AIBU to be scared to tell my boyfriend that i'm keeping the baby he is so sure i am going to abort?

[nutellacrumpet8991]

I know i posted before but i find this situation extremely difficult to deal with and i need more advice.

Long story short. We're 22 and 24. Boyfriend wants abortion saying he’s made his decision, i don’t want to, i want to keep it. He thinks me keeping it will make him resent me long term. It i do decide to keep it he wants us to live together regardless if we are together or not because he doesn’t want to be away from his baby. I told him that i’m not going to live with him if not a couple. He said ‘well tough, i’m not staying apart from my child’.

I have made my decision. How do i tell him i decided to keep it when he’s almost convinced i won’t? I am scared of his reaction. Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock (although he might just be a complete dickhead)

@Storyoftonight, yes they do, as always there is a chorus of "her body, her choice".

Going into this thinking he is going to be a supportive partner is the emotional equivalent of relying on a lottery win for your financial planning.

He has shown you who he is - a nasty control freak with a sideline in emotional blackmail. You will be dealing with that for the foreseeable future if you have the baby.

Having said that, if you do have the abortion, I have no doubt he will break up with you anyway. It’s a well known trick by a certain type of man - promising sunshine and roses if their partner has an abortion then dumping her as soon as the procedure is carried out and he’s not on the hook for child support.

If you want this baby I would agree you should consider going back to your home country before it is born. Otherwise you will be stuck in the U.K. for the foreseeable future.

Once the baby is in the world then yes, both parents have a say. In the womb it's the Mother's say. How could it be otherwise? Could you have women forcibly taken into hospital for abortions?

He sounds properly dangerous, very controlling, and if he feels it's 'his' child then he could frankly do anything in future.

If you really want this pregnancy, then you need to ensure that he does not have a chance to be abusive to you, and especially not a child. Can you pretend to miscarry, be deeply upset about it in front of him, and then leave - go to stay with your family and then decide what you want to do from there?

"Carrying a baby for 9 months doesn't make it all about your body or give you any more right to decide what happens to the baby than the other parent."

Seriously?!!!
Are you quite aware of the effects of pregnancy and child birth on a person? It is most definitely all about your body and you do have more right to decide. Obviously it's perfect to be in a position to have a joint decision, but not everyone is in that position.

@Staffy1

Ridiculous comment. The body relates to whether they want to go through pregnancy or have an abortion - both intrusive procedures. And you know it.what is the alternative ? That women are forced into giving birth or having abortions they don't want?

I don't agree, I think your comment is ridiculous. Why should men be forced into either any more than a woman should be? Yes, the woman has the pregnancy, but men have no choice in that, it's just nature. Both people are responsible for the pregnancy (at least in this case, and the majority of cases, not talking about rape) and both are parents of the baby. Carrying a baby for 9 months doesn't make it all about your body or give you any more right to decide what happens to the baby than the other parent.

So who gets the 'final' say so to speak, if the man and woman disagree about next steps? If the man absolutely wants a child but the woman doesn't, should she be forced to carry the child and give birth? The reason people say "her body, her choice" is that the final say (for want of a better term) must always be the woman's. Because a man cannot carry and give birth to a child. Equally if she wants to carry and give birth and would find a termination unbearable, saying the man gets equal say would mean forced terminations where the man doesn't want the child. In an ideal world, both parties would be able to come to a compromise or understanding - that doesn't work in the case of pregnancies where there are two outcomes that cannot coexist. The final say should therefore always be the woman's. Saying otherwise is backing forced terminations or forced births.

I remember your other thread.
Where is your family? Can you just go and stay with them - don't whatever you do tell him before you go.
Have you told your mum?
You have had good advice on this thread- it is YOUR CHOICE to have an abortion or not, don't let him bully you.

I really wouldn’t have a baby with an unsupportive partner and no family support.
What’s the point having a child with someone you’re already warring with. You’ll be stuck with him forever if you go ahead with this pregnancy. It’s clearly the wrong partner. No baby deserves to be born into this mess.

Frankly, he sounds controlling and potentially abusive.

He has decided you will abort. That is not his decision to make.

He has said he will resent you if you have the baby. That is not your problem.

He has decided he will live with you if you have the baby, even if you don't want to live with him. Again, not his decision to make. You have to agree and you don't.

He is not the boss of you. And you don't have to do what he says. And you certainly don't have to live with him or stay in a relationship with him if you don't want to.

He's trying to get you to do what he wants by acting like this. Tell him to get to fuck. This isn't love. This is control, manipulative control.

@Staffy1 how about you start your own thread about how the poor men are hard done by, and stay off this one where the OP needs advice about continuing a pregnancy with a controlling new partner in a country where she has little support?

He wants you to have an abortion but if you don’t he will force you to live with him? I find this very concerning. He is bring threatening and controlling already.

Can i ask if you want to stay in the uk if you don't leave before baby is born.

OP, I suggest you firstly dump him and then go to wherever your family are. Tell him you've terminated and will be moving on by leaving the country. Make sure he can't find you.

OP it all sounds very difficult. Now that you've made your decision to keep the baby it's time to start making a plan as to what your lives will look like. How will you work, sort childcare, can you claim any benefits? Where will you live? Which country would be the best place to raise your child? Making a concrete plan should help you to feel more in control and less scared. Remember that you can change your mind too.

I would say don't factor in any promises from this guy when making plans, and please don't live with him, at least at first. He sounds quite controlling and you are still new in your relationship. I hope that he will overcome his shock and be a supportive partner, but before he has shown you that he can do that try not to rely on him. Best of luck.

I had a similar situation to yours when I was younger. He was insistent that I had an abortion, but I wanted to keep the baby. We were living together at the time. Things went from bad to worse when he eventually beat me up and I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. It was an absolutely awful time in my life. He even had the cheek to say, after my miscarriage, that he would have accepted the baby anyway.

Get away from him asap.

He wants the baby terminated, yet he won’t be apart from the baby if you choose not to.

Get away, do not put him on the birth certificate.

Everything FizzyGreenWater has said.

You have known him 6 months. This is no time to know a person.

Until you have had or know of someone who has had a child with an abusive twat you cannot comprehend how hard they will make your life. I am incredibly lucky that I was married and my pregnancies were planned but my friend wasn't as lucky. The father of her children did everything to point score. The courts will decide that he has every right to a relationship with his child.

It was soul destroying for her, her ruined Christmases, never enforced any rules as to bed times, things they could eat, teeth brushing, homework. This isn't just a baby, it is a child who will grow up having this poisonous arsehole saying whatever he likes about you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a slightly similar situation, unplanned third pregnancy with my partner pressuring me to abort, and likewise blowing a fuse at the proposition of putting the baby up for adoption ('you can't give away MY CHILD'). It was a nightmare.

As many others here have said, him being the father gives him NO right to live with you. The way he's trying to put you into a double bind, leave you no way out, makes him sound dangerous and plainly nasty.

Seek safety first. Can you go stay with a friend; somewhere he can't find you? Maybe even move jobs/towns? Move to near your parents? Just somehow get him out of your hair first. Prepare for single-parenthood, or if that does not appeal, get an abortion after all.

Which I suspect will take the shine off the relationship anyway. It's really sad that a relationship that apparently started out very well has come to this so quickly, but that's how it is now.

Congratulations on the decision btw. Babies are lovely. I wish I could have more... but circumstances have to be right.

My job is here, my life is here. I am not doing bad financially, it is not a financial problem.

I know the smart thing is to abort. There's just something in me that doesn't let me. I am only 6 weeks so i know it's not a baby yet, but i feel this sense of attachment and protection over it.

Initially he said he'd talk to his mum (she's a counsellor so i hope she'd understand my point too) but now he doesn't want to put unnecessary stress on her because he believes i will abort. However, the mum doesn't really like me because i am not muslim like them so i really don't know.

My family would be supportive if i told them. But there's not much they can do from back home. If i go home there's nothing i can do with my degree because it doesn't even exist back there.

Do you have any friends?

Oh op I’m so sorry. There is no easy right choice here. Personally I would terminate the pregnancy, ditch the boyfriend who clearly isn’t the man you deserve and take contraception much more seriously in future. I think It would be a good idea to see a return to old fashioned values like marriage before kids which offers women more security and because engagements/weddings don’t happen over night it also gives time for the first flushes of love and romance to pass and reveal the reality of who you choose to parent with before you are stuck with the lifelong commitment of having a child with someone. Once you are tied to this man by having his child you will be stuck with him even if you aren’t together, then he’ll start a new relationship and you’ll have that person in your child’s life too. Being a mum is hard, even if you have all your ducks in a row first. I’d advise not actively making it harder. The right time will come, the right person will come.

[quote Staffy1]@Storyoftonight, yes they do, as always there is a chorus of "her body, her choice".[/quote]
A woman is asking other women for advice.

If your only advice is that she should do as she is told by an abusive man, maybe best you move away from the thread.

@nutellacrumpet8991

My job is here, my life is here. I am not doing bad financially, it is not a financial problem.

I know the smart thing is to abort. There's just something in me that doesn't let me. I am only 6 weeks so i know it's not a baby yet, but i feel this sense of attachment and protection over it.

Initially he said he'd talk to his mum (she's a counsellor so i hope she'd understand my point too) but now he doesn't want to put unnecessary stress on her because he believes i will abort. However, the mum doesn't really like me because i am not muslim like them so i really don't know.

My family would be supportive if i told them. But there's not much they can do from back home. If i go home there's nothing i can do with my degree because it doesn't even exist back there.

Would your own parents/siblings/friends be supportive if you decide to have baby alone?

Tell him you have aborted and move. I remember your last thread. He isnt going to change. He is not a good peson.