AIBU to be scared to tell my boyfriend that i'm keeping the baby he is so sure i am going to abort?

[nutellacrumpet8991]

I know i posted before but i find this situation extremely difficult to deal with and i need more advice.

Long story short. We're 22 and 24. Boyfriend wants abortion saying he’s made his decision, i don’t want to, i want to keep it. He thinks me keeping it will make him resent me long term. It i do decide to keep it he wants us to live together regardless if we are together or not because he doesn’t want to be away from his baby. I told him that i’m not going to live with him if not a couple. He said ‘well tough, i’m not staying apart from my child’.

I have made my decision. How do i tell him i decided to keep it when he’s almost convinced i won’t? I am scared of his reaction. Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock (although he might just be a complete dickhead)

Where are your family ? It's a whole lot easier to move home now than it would be once the baby is here.

It's unrealistic to imagine a happy future with bf and baby.

He's clearly a nasty control freak.

Personally I would be disappearing back to my home country and deleting all social media so I couldn't be contacted.

Staying with him is going to be a whole lot of heartache. Not only will you have to put up with your "roommate" dating people I bet he won't contribute financially or practically because this is a decision "you made" He's going to be critical of your parenting , how you look when you're heavily pg and you will be paranoid about him saying stuff to the child about you and manipulating them into saying that they want to live with him.
He's not showing love. He's showing a controlling side that is only going to get worse as the stress of having a newborn hits. Abortion was never his decision- your body your choice. It's much easier to run now than later

He's blackmailing you into an abortion. He won't go through with wanting to live with you if you choose to have it. Just do what you want to do, he will have to live with it.

What support will you have when you have no family in this country and your boyfriend doesn’t want you to have the baby?

He’s a bully.

He’s pressuring you towards abortion when you’ve said you don’t want that.

You feel scared of telling him what you want.

He’s demanding to live with his child - why? So he can control it and you.

There is zero chance of you having a happy long term relationship with this guy. I know he started off seeming nice. But all men seem nice at the beginning- even the worst.

Get away from him OP and congratulations on your pregnancy I hope you have a lovely life with your baby xxx

I agree with PP- go back to your family and have the baby there. Don't bring it back to the UK because then you'll face difficulty getting it away from its father.

Do not stay with him and do not let him live with you. Lay down the law and be firm. You're keeping the baby, but his behaviour us concerning and you dont want to be with him. You can agree on visitation but you dont have to let him in your house, you dont have to let him have the baby without you present, for a matter of hours or overnight. You can meet at a coffee shop or park for him to spend time with baby but he wont be entitled to lone contact until months down the line.
You dont even have to allow him to the birth.
Do not let him control you or your body.

Well he sounds a treat, he's decided HE wants an abortion, HIS baby

Yet everyone thinks it's just fine when women act like this.

Keep the baby ditch the man he has made himself clear he doesn't want the responsibility so don't put his name to it yes you won't get finances from him but he doesn't want the baby anyway you will get nothing but trouble from him

@Staffy1

Well he sounds a treat, he's decided HE wants an abortion, HIS baby

Yet everyone thinks it's just fine when women act like this.

Her body her choice

I’m not sure why you want to stay here if you have no family and it seems no friends?? You can’t rely on a guy you’ve known 6 months they all say they will be involved at first but as soon as he meets someone else and has a proper family watch how soon he disappears. Then you won’t be able to move out of the country unless he gives his permission which most times they won’t just to spite you

Due to the Hague convention he can stop the baby leaving this country once it's born. Unless you want to stay for the rest of your life you'd be better off going back to your own country before you give birth.

He sounds awful. I realise that you love him now but his behaviour really isn't normal or healthy for you.

@Feelingconfused2020

deliberately saddling a child with a father like this is cruel and selfish

What an awful thing to say, telling another woman they should have an abortion they don't want is not pro choice. The OP has said she wants the baby.

Op please don't listen to this nonsense.

Unfortunately, not all truths are pleasant to hear. OP is thinking about this from a selfish perspective. She doesn't want an abortion. She isn't thinking about the quality of life of this child, saddled with an abusive father, or she is thinking about it and is being wilfully naive. This is no life to bring a child into. She gets to choose whether or not she aborts. But i strongly believe not doing so would be an error, and one that the innocent child would then have to live with forever.

Another vote for disappearing off the grid and raising the child alone. You won’t have to start answering their questions for years, and in that time, with the right support, you’ll come to understand yourself enough to provide true, age-appropriate answers. And that child will have all the love in the world from you, and you’ll get through because of your love for him/her. You can do this

Her body her choice

Except a baby is no ones body. He or she is a person. Do you think, years later, "oh there goes that bit of my body that dropped out, off for it's first day of school"?

I agree with @Ohalrightthen

I can only assume that some people here haven’t had their lives made miserable by an abusive ex with whom a child is shared.

It’s a world of pain - it’s the theft of your enjoyment of being a parent.

This man has told you very clearly who he is. Whatever you decide about the baby you’re a fool if you stay with him.

@Staffy1

Well he sounds a treat, he's decided HE wants an abortion, HIS baby

Yet everyone thinks it's just fine when women act like this.

Do they? Quite an unfair comment to make really.

OP , I feel for you. I think you know the right option isn't to have this child but your head must be mashed. He sounds awful. PPs are being unecessarily harsh about the six months - if you wander over to other threads there are plenty stories about people being in love in less than that.

I hope you get the support you need OP.

@Staffy1

Her body her choice

Except a baby is no ones body. He or she is a person. Do you think, years later, "oh there goes that bit of my body that dropped out, off for it's first day of school"?

Ridiculous comment. The body relates to whether they want to go through pregnancy or have an abortion - both intrusive procedures. And you know it.what is the alternative ? That women are forced into giving birth or having abortions they don't want ?

Get your own place. He can't make you live with him. He sounds immature and controlling.

@Staffy1

A baby doesn’t just grow up with no assistance - the most important thing in forming healthy well adjusted adults is having good parents.

Having a baby that isn’t wanted, that you aren’t capable of looking after, that will have an abusive parent etc is a bad idea.

Please re read @FizzyGreenWater post and heed their advice. Leave the country and go back to your family before he has real power of you and your child.

It seems to me you are relying on him changing his mind and playing happy families with you.

This isnt a good start to a childs life because of the uncertainty. If you are prepared to be a single parent, then do it, but don't rely on him becoming the perfect partner.

I'm sorry but I agree with the majority of PPs. If you want to have the baby, that's your decision. But you need to get far, far away from this man.

He doesn't want the child, yet says if you have it that the two of you will live together so he can control you and the child. That's enough in and of itself to scare the living daylights out of someone. His assumption that he is going to do exactly what HE wants to do regardless of what you want.

But remember, too, that you are very young and there will be chances in the future to have a child with a man who truly loves and deserves you and that child. The joy of having & raising a child with such a man is a wonderful thing. But the misery of having a child with the wrong man? Well, you only have to look at the many, many threads on MN written by women who are having to coparent with men like your boyfriend to know how horrible it is. This will not be your only chance at motherhood.

You need to give very serious consideration as to whether or not you want to have a child with a man who will resent you, resent the child, and do everything he can to make you miserable as 'punishment' for not doing what he wanted.

In your situation I’d have an abortion.

Tying yourself to someone who actively doesn’t want a baby is a huge undertaking.

I’m not going to castigate him - maybe he’s an arsehole maybe he’s not: you were in a short term relationship and he doesn’t want a baby. That’s ok and itself doesn’t make him an awful person.

If you really really want this baby because you want the baby not because you’re hoping he’ll come round then go ahead. But don’t expect him to come round.