AIBU to be scared to tell my boyfriend that i'm keeping the baby he is so sure i am going to abort?

[nutellacrumpet8991]

I know i posted before but i find this situation extremely difficult to deal with and i need more advice.

Long story short. We're 22 and 24. Boyfriend wants abortion saying he’s made his decision, i don’t want to, i want to keep it. He thinks me keeping it will make him resent me long term. It i do decide to keep it he wants us to live together regardless if we are together or not because he doesn’t want to be away from his baby. I told him that i’m not going to live with him if not a couple. He said ‘well tough, i’m not staying apart from my child’.

I have made my decision. How do i tell him i decided to keep it when he’s almost convinced i won’t? I am scared of his reaction. Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock (although he might just be a complete dickhead)

Muslims and having babies/sex out of wedlock is a BIG FAT NO!!
There’s no way on earth he will tell his mum or anyone about this baby. His reputation is on the line here. I don’t think you realise how serious and messy all this is.
I’m sorry you are going through all this.
Hugs

I was on your other thread too. Get away from this toxic, horrible man. Go to your family, outside the UK. Give birth there. That way this revolting man has no rights over your child. Keep it that way. I hope you have a good pregnancy and much joy with your baby.

Take a year out for your baby. You can return to your job after a year, just stay away from that man.

If you have this kid you need to tell him you've aborted and go home to your family. Make sure he nor anyone associated with him, can't see anything about you on social media and keep your kid off it.

You are in for a lot of problems if you try to stay in his life and bring a baby into it. You really need to wise up for your own safety and that of your child. If you have this child, don't tell him. Ever. Have it for yourself or have an abortion. This has so many red flags for trouble.

I'm a Muslim.

Can I ask which country he is from? (It is relevant)

@LittleMissSpendid

I am curious to know why you say your degree would not be valid/acknowledged in your own country.

I'm guessing it's on the lines of she's a lawyer in England and would have to study and take the Bar in her own country if she wanted to practice there.

@nutellacrumpet8991

I think that only you can make the decision.

However, think about a few things:
1 He would expect the baby to be brought up Muslim. And it's unlikely this would be negotiable. That could be difficult for you.
2 he's made it clear he wishes to be involved if you have the child. As you're not British, you do realise that if you stay, have baby here and then ddcide you wish to return to your home country, likelihood is that he would win in a court scenario and get this move stopped? Possibly even as far as going for resident parent?
3 how will you fund the baby? Maternity leave? How will afford childcare - at least £50 days a day?

Personally, in your situation, I would suggest moving back home, at least for the birth and to get the birth registered. Your family will be incredibly needed to support you during pregnancy, birth and then probably throughout motherhood. My family are key to our lives.

Good luck.

What are you planning to do re your living situation/finances/childcare when you go back to work? You are only 22 in a country where you have no one.

Also remember, if he also has a "home country" his parents often visit yearly, he can take your child there and literally never return. It's happened plenty.

And remember if you have this baby in the U.K. he will never let you leave. You’ll be stuck living in the U.K. until your DC is an adult.

@nutellacrumpet8991

You are young and vulnerable and he is abusing you. You have no family here. Please ring womens aid and get out whilst you can. Then make a decision in regards to your pregnancy. Keep away from this man. He’s already making decisions that affect you without any consultation. You think he won’t make the same in regards to when your in labour/decisions about the child/ whether you are permitted to work.

He expects you to live together but not be together knowing full well you love him I would think that would be complete emotional torture especially when he’s likely to be going to sleep with whoever he chooses whilst you are indoors with the baby and his response would always be “but you know we aren’t together”
He would probably even continue to sleep with you but still seeing other people. Hell no.

Get out now.

@spongedog - I have spent decades, both here and in the US stating that it is a woman's right to choose whether they have a baby or not. And that abortion should be freely available. I havent done this for some silly young person to decide that after only a few months in a relationship, when they carelessly fell pregnant to someone they neither really know or seem to like, that they will have the child.
How many decades you have spent campaigning and in how many countries give you fuck all say over whether the OP can keep her child! Who the fuck do you think you are?!

If you choose to abort, then I can't help thinking that you would resent him for it and wouldn't see you wanting to go on and have another with him in time. I think that you would probably break up tbh.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation OP. I can only echo what others have said, for your own sake, you need to get away from this man.

You have a few options here imo:

1. Have an abortion and leave him. Get a room in a house share or contact women's aid for help.

1. Have an abortion and go back to your home country to be with your family. I know you say your degree isn't valid there but are there conversion courses?

1. Contact women's aid for help to get away safely and have your baby. Once baby is born, make sure he isn't mentioned on the birth certificate.

1. Tell him you have had/are having an abortion and board the next available plane home. You would need to be extremely careful with this option but if you are clever about it, it is entirely possible. Someone my mum knew left the country to go to her father who had emigrated. She was married with 2 children. Managed to plan it in secret and take herself and her children while her abusive husband was at work.

Obviously, only you can make the decision but if it were me, I'd be going for option 2 or 4.

Good luck.

The man cannot dictate what you do.
But you aren't going to be happy with him. He doesn't want the baby. Babies are hard work and frustrating at times. This sounds like a disaster. I think you want to keep the baby so you can be tied to this man but you aren't seeing how ridiculous that is. What an abuser he is.

Leave him. He does not dictate to you who you live with

@spongedog the right to choose works both ways: she equally has the right to continue the pregnancy.

I don’t personally think that abortion is morally right. But I don’t think it’s for me to make that decision on behalf of anyone else. It’s a necessary evil

For Christ's sake, if your family are all abroad, and that is your home country, and you are determined to proceed with this pregnancy, then grab that with both hands, tell him you terminated, then immediately return to your home country to have this baby. You can go anywhere pregnant. Once your child is born, he can stop you removing his child from the country.

Gome home to your family, otherwise, he will use the family court here to destroy your life and that of your child.

@spongedog I think the women of the world can manage to make their own choices without you - you do know what a choice is, right? It works both ways and it's actually none of your business? Just checking.

OP, you can always put him on the birth certificate but you can never take him off. Keep the baby by all means, but protect it- and that means getting away from this awful man.

It’s your body and your baby. Keep it- and do not let him bully you in to changing your mind: you’ll regret it forever unless a termination is actually want you want.

Dump the boyfriend and keep the baby. My DSis had my DNephew at 19 - they’ve both done brilliantly.

Tell him youve had the abortion and go back to your family

So it appears that you want your life and future to be in the UK. And that you don't want to move home as your degree wouldn't make you employable there. But never say never. Life takes us on many different roads.

You also say your family would be supportive, I assume you mean supportive of your choice to have the baby. Is there any way you could take a leave of absence of a few months so that your baby is born and the birth registered in your home country? If you leave him off the birth certificate, register the child under your surname and then get the child a passport only from your home country, perhaps that might put a 'legal layer' between you and this man should you ever decide you want to relocate, either back home or to another part of the UK.

If that's not feasible, I do think you need to consider relocating within the UK as far away from this man as you can possibly get. I just don't think you're seeing him or the future very clearly.

This tenfold. You are in for a rough life if you stay with him.

I don’t say this lightly, but I’d be leaving him and having an abortion. You will be tied with him for life if you keep the baby and you can’t stop him having contact. Speaking from experience, you’re risking years of hostility, arguments and it’s exhausting.

@Arthersleep

If you choose to abort, then I can't help thinking that you would resent him for it and wouldn't see you wanting to go on and have another with him in time. I think that you would probably break up tbh.

There are other men in the world.

You post doesn't make any sense.

I haven’t seen the previous thread so I can only go on what is here. OP I feel so sorry for you and you have my every sympathy. I am pro choice, but I believe that it is important to try and make the right decision for both of you, and by that I mean you and your potential child.

This is so worrying to read, and since saying he is from a Muslim background and you aren’t, I know which decision I would be making. The first alarm bells are that he doesn’t want the baby, but if you chose to proceed he wants you and the child to live with him but not in a romantic relationship.

That would have me leaving faster than anything. Could you honestly live in the same house while he no doubt brings home his latest girlfriends? And would you be permitted to see other men?

What kind of opinion will he be instilling in your child? YOU had pre-marital sex, YOU were dirty, YOU were sinful, YOU should be shamed. I would be petrified especially if your child was a girl that they would be bought up thinking of you in such a derogatory way.

I am in no way saying that all Muslim men are like this, but from what I have read about this particular man I would have genuine fear.

Personally I would leave him and under the circumstances I would terminate the pregnancy but I appreciate that it is a lot easier for me to sit here and say that when my life isn’t affected. I wish you well and hope you make the decision that is right for you.

He can’t force you to live with him and honestly, he sounds like an absolute arsehole. I’d leave him if I were you and face up to being a single parent.