AIBU to be scared to tell my boyfriend that i'm keeping the baby he is so sure i am going to abort?

[nutellacrumpet8991]

I know i posted before but i find this situation extremely difficult to deal with and i need more advice.

Long story short. We're 22 and 24. Boyfriend wants abortion saying he’s made his decision, i don’t want to, i want to keep it. He thinks me keeping it will make him resent me long term. It i do decide to keep it he wants us to live together regardless if we are together or not because he doesn’t want to be away from his baby. I told him that i’m not going to live with him if not a couple. He said ‘well tough, i’m not staying apart from my child’.

I have made my decision. How do i tell him i decided to keep it when he’s almost convinced i won’t? I am scared of his reaction. Also as stupid as this sounds i am hoping we can work it out and that he’s not going to break up with me because i really do love him and he’s never acted like a dickhead before so i blame his behaviour on the initial shock (although he might just be a complete dickhead)

It’s your body and your choice. I’m not saying anything new that PP haven’t said. But:

1. Never have a baby with a man in the hope it will change him into a better person or that he’ll stay with you as a result. The whole ‘accidental pregnancy makes couple fall in love and live happily ever after’ only happens in romcoms and sitcoms and it’s literally the most dangerous lie there is. In real life, it usually either makes men who show abusive or controlling tendencies worse, or they disappear.

1. Only do this if you want to be a single parent. Having a child is beautiful. But it’s also really, really hard. Even with two parents. Starting with childbirth.

1. Remember it isn’t ‘having a baby’. It’s having a child. It’s a responsibility at least unless they’re 18, possibly older. There’s feeding and potty training and tantrums and misbehaviour and homework and exams and teenage hormones - the list goes on.

I would terminate the pregnancy without a shadow of a doubt. If you just cant bring yourself to do that then make absolutely sure you do not put the fathers name on the birth certificate for all the reasons PP have said above.

I think it should also be pointed out that you're unlikely to have much of a career if you're absorbed with resisting the control and abuse of such an ex. Repeated family court will both mentally and financially exhaust you and you simply will not be able to focus on your work. You will lose employment and your career will suffer or completely perish. That's intentional on the part of the abuser, quite common and the system doesn't care and won't stop them.

If you won't abort, I would tell him you did and move home abroad "heartbroken" (and delete social media/keep child off it) before the pregnancy progresses and do the retraining required as that is the only chance of a career.

If you have this baby, whether you like it or not he is in your lives, he can go to court to prove paternity and can request access leading to 50/50 (the court generally doesn't grant overnight for babies but be prepared for the future) he can also apply to stop you taking your child out of the country if he can persuade a court you are likely not to return. Have you checked how you can support this child? Lots to think about. Ultimately you decide on abortion but children are a huge commitment and it concerns me you are simply not in a position to raise a child alone.

So his mother doesn't like you.

He is of a different faith.

You are in a foreign country.

You are so young.

You barely know him.

He is controlling and sounds like a very domineering man.

Morher of God, could you be more vulnerable.

As @FizzyGreenWater has written, you are choosing to absolutely throw your life away.

OP,
You will most likely highly regret attaching yourself to this man for the rest of your life.

You do realise by having a child in his country, he can legally prevent you EVEr moving home?

You are putting yourself in enormous peril.

Of all the situations you could welcome a child into, why would you select this one? You are probably going to ruin your life, your child's life, and, if you care about him, the father's life.

You are in no way ready to become a mother. Don't let posters on here convince you to have a child just to align with their bitter, self-indulgent ideology.

men are expected to accept women forcing unwanted parenthood on them in these same scenarios

Men who don't want to become parents should make sure they use effective contraception or avoid PIV sex.

A woman's right to choose applies just as much to choosing to continue with a pregnancy as to terminating one. No man has the right to tell a woman what to do with her body.

DO NOT PUT THIS MAN ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Seriously. I would just leave him. Go home. Have the baby and never tell him. But thats me.

I certainly would NOT tell him you're having the baby either way.

Honestly my DD is one year old and although I knew it would be hard work before she was born I have no idea just how tough it would be. I have an incredible amount of respect for single mothers, especially those who have no nearby family support. Please think very long and hard about dealing with a newborn/young baby whilst also handling the headfuck that is this man.

If you're 22 and have a degree you've been in that job what, a year? Is it enough to fund you and a DC, including childcare? Will you be able to have time to study or take professional exams (if this applies)? What about networking/industry events outside office hours to help build your profile? You may sacrifice family support for a job which you actually can't progress in because you don't have that support.

I think you either stick with your life as it is now OR accept that moving home and picking up your career again when baby is a few years older are your only two sensible options here. Either way, only a fool would bank on your DBoyfriend stepping up here.

If you absolutely must have the baby, OP, do it somewhere where you have support. If that means going back to your home country to give birth, so be it. You have no idea what state the birth will leave you in, and you go straight from that to the biggest, most relentless, sleep deprived permanent life change you'll ever have.

Reckon he'll demand his fatherly rights to watch the birth too?

I recall your previous Thread. You must get away from this man. Your life with him will be awful, just look at how he is treating you now. I would not be surprised if he forced you to attend a termination appointment. Please be very careful OP🌺

Whilst keeping the baby is your decision, I can see that based on his attitude and the way he speaks to you, he'll make your life a misery and I don't think bringing an innocent life into the world is fair on them.

Even if you tell him you've terminated and keep the baby, the baby will grow up and ask questions...they could find him on ancestry DNA.

It's just a hot mess. You need to think of the child... not just your desire to have a baby.

Not knowing or not having a relationship with their father leaves many children suffering from an identity crisis...even more so in cases where the father is from a different ethnic background and it shows in the child.

No matter what decide...ditch him.

Tell him you’ve aborted. Go home. Have the baby, register the baby there.
Come back to a different area.

Seriously, your screwed if he thinks you’ve kept it. He is not a nice man and he will have control over you, he can potentially stop you even going on holiday to visit your family let alone move back there. That’s before you look at any cultural issues.

If you decide to proceed with your pregnancy OP you need to do it with your eyes wide open to your situation.

This man is not a nice man and is already trying to control you. You are from different countries and have different cultural and religious backgrounds which could cause conflict when it comes to naming baby, whether to circumcise a male baby, how to raise baby etc. You also have no family here and will need and want their support.

After birth you will be exhausted and vulnerable. Your family won't be with you to care for you and to stop this man and his family stamping all over your boundaries. You'll be alone.

If you have the baby in the UK he could prevent you moving back home with the baby. If you proceed you would be much safer going to your home country ASAP and giving birth there. You will be further away from this man and surrounded by your family for support.

You're only 22 so plenty of time to retrain for a new career when back home, or the same career if it's something like law where you'd need a conversion degree. You'd also have family support whilst doing so.

Get rid then make sure he has no contact with the child, he’ll be a crap dad anyway with this attitude.

I don’t say this lightly, but I do think that you should get an early termination. You are very young, in a foreign country and are at risk of linking yourself to this awful man for life. Please think harder about this.

I cannot decide whether he is saying he is going to live with you and the child to scare you into an abortion, or if he honestly is going to try and bully and somehow force you into this.

If you are absolutely convinced that you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, then I recommend you run. Tell him you had an abortion and take yourself back to your family and hopefully we’ll out of his reach.

Oh OP, I really would have a termination if I were you. The egg is 6weeks old, do it now before it develops.

Dump this guy, continue with your life meet someone better and start a family when you are with a lovely man for a year or two, engaged/settled/married/happy.

You are so young, it's only a 6 week egg, don't bring another child into a broken home. If you were 40 or the baby was 20 weeks I might say different.

But you are young and it's hardly developed yet, you have options to do this better, to bring a baby into a happy loving family. That is not what you have right now.

Keep your baby, you obviously want your son or daughter but be wary of letting your partner get too involved until he proves himself to be a good father and partner.
I wish you all the best.

@Buddytheelf85
Yes it’s hard with being a single parent but you only list the hard parts. What about the first smile, the cuddles, the pure joy of raising your child, the companionship and love that also occur?

Personally I would NOT have this baby, there will be other babies.
Do you want your child fought over in court and torn apart by two adults, I have been there and it's years and years of misery and a very damaged child.
He sounds extremely abusive and controlling and I would get rid of him immediately and never go back.
You will never be rid of him if you have this child.

And all this stuff about not letting him get too involved, he can drag you through the courts for years if he wants to. He will get 50/50 custody if that's what he wants.

Guys, he’s a Muslim, he will either be forced to marry her by his family or he will pressure to abort to hide the shame.
He wouldn’t want to have any sort of custody of a child that’s born out of wedlock. They will shame him forever.

Guys, he’s a Muslim, he will either be forced to marry her by his family or he will pressure to abort to hide the shame.

Sorry.... I totally missed this info.. 🌺

@CovidHalloween

Guys, he’s a Muslim, he will either be forced to marry her by his family or he will pressure to abort to hide the shame. He wouldn’t want to have any sort of custody of a child that’s born out of wedlock. They will shame him forever.

I can certainly see any uber-religious family pressuring a member to marry a pregnant GF.

But no one can truly be 'forced' to marry. It's still a choice, even if that choice is to marry or be cut out of the family. And no matter how much 'forcing' his family may try, they certainly can't 'force' the OP to marry him.

Coercion on him to take the child away from OP is more of a concern IMO. And one of the main reasons she needs to 'disappear'.