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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the whole family I exist

200 replies

Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 18:44

Long story.
Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived.

Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it.
For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name.
I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me.
Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family?
I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them.
But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad?
I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret.
Any help would be lovely

OP posts:
Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 17/10/2020 18:52

This is a tough one. This was me 2 years ago. I always knew my dad's name but never his location. Turns out it was 5 mins up the road from my house. I only found out through his obituary. But, I discovered and contacted my sister and auntie through this loss and no we have an amazing relationship. When I found out more about him, he had been told by my vile birth mother that she had me adopted and I lived hours away. He'd done paintings of baby animals and signed my name on them, spent nights crying for me but not knowing where to start as he was told my name had been changed on birth. My advice is try. I regret not trying harder before my dad died. Xx

NameChangeAgain222 · 17/10/2020 18:54

I'm sorry I can understand you must be feeling angry and rejected but I don't think you should blow up his life. You're not even sure it's the right person. And if it is he's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship. Exposing him to his family won't create a relationship and you know that, it will be revenge for his abandonment. Which would hurt his children.

ScrabApple · 17/10/2020 18:56

I agree with you OP. You deserve the right to a heritage and to extended family.
Tread carefully and with empathy but take the steps you need to take.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/10/2020 18:56

How old are his children op?

Boom45 · 17/10/2020 18:59

Its not his children's or siblings fault he's ignoring you and the best case scenario here is they ignore you too. The worst case is you split a family apart for someone you have no interest in a relationship with. It must be so hard for you to have tried to contact him and have him refuse to engage but contacting his family wont make you feel any better.

daretodenim · 17/10/2020 19:01

We're assuming that the "children" would be hurt to find out they had a sibling.

They probably would be shocked.

And upset at their dad.

But, don't they have a right to know they have a sibling, who she is and then choose themselves if they want to get to know her or not? And OP, it could be that they wouldn't, but as they don't really know you, that decision would be about them and their lives, not you as a person.

I have a half brother that I've never met. I talked to him on the phone and it was great. Ultimately he didn't want to connect with me. That hurt, it was a rejection, but I respect his decision. I made contact with him, I entered his life unasked and uninvited. That was the risk I took.

Unless the "children" are minors, I wouldn't worry about them being upset. Focus on what feels good for you, it's not selfish to want to meet your relatives!

Nottherealslimshady · 17/10/2020 19:05

I think I'd send your potential siblings a message saying you think you're related and would they be interested in meeting or doing a DNA test to confirm.

UnsureOct20 · 17/10/2020 19:05

You could message him from another profile letting him know your intention to contact his family if he doesn’t show you the decency of a reply.

As for blowing up his life to get revenge for abandoning you, why shouldn’t you? You do not owe him any grace imo.

So It’s ok to abandon your child but not for that child to want answers? I don’t think so.

MadeForThis · 17/10/2020 19:05

I'm sorry, but you have tried in 2 ways to contact him, which he has chosen to ignore.

That is your answer.

MuserOwl · 17/10/2020 19:06

This is really tough. I would let it settle for a while. I dont mean "give up" or obligingly fade in to the background. I mean let him digest this. And you take stock and make sure you're ok.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 19:07

His children are in their early 30's
It's not so much I don't want a relationship with him, that would be good but difficult but having a relationship with other family members would also be great, I don't think it would split his family up, from what I can tell I was conceived at least 5 years before his eldest was born so he wouldn't have been with his wife when he was with my mum so I'm not worried on that part, obviously it would be a completely different story if I was born out of an affair. I just want people to know I exist, also having my own children I would appreciate knowing any family medical history which is always a worry

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 17/10/2020 19:07

You can do whatever you like Thanks

You can contact whomever you like - they are your relations

Queenoftheashes · 17/10/2020 19:08

I think fuck him, if he doesn’t want to talk to you maybe your other relatives will. He’s missed his opportunity to manage the situation and has been enough of a prick to you that I wouldn’t feel at all guilty about it. Why should he get to keep you secret?

madcatladyforever · 17/10/2020 19:11

Sorry OP my "father" is the same. I've never met him and the one time I tried I was met with a massive brick wall. I've given up now, I'm 58 and I don't know if he's dead or alive.

Notimeforaname · 17/10/2020 19:11

I say go for it. Contact who you like op. It will eat away at you if you don't.

You're not breaking the law you're are entitled to at least make a move and ask. Good luck Flowers

ArtemisBean · 17/10/2020 19:11

Would you be doing this in order to meet your extended family, or to spite your father? The latter can only lead you to a bad place, and the former could turn out not the way you expect. On 'Long Lost Family' the family are always excited to meet the person seeking them and it's a lovely happy ending, but that's a heavily edited TV program and real life is probably full of as many rejections as joyous reunions. Think very carefully about what you want from this before you do anything you might regret.

LiveFromHome · 17/10/2020 19:12

As long as you're mentally well enough and emotionally prepared enough to hear "we knew about you already - and we don't want to know you", then you have the right to contact who you like.

MimiSunshine · 17/10/2020 19:12

I would wouldn't. It’s not your right to do that to unsuspecting people.

The cousin however is different, why don’t you build a relationship with them at least at first?

Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 19:13

The funny thing is I'm not angry, I'm shocked as I assume I would have been but I'm just annoyed their is no reply from him, even as a rejection. I am intrigued by the possibility of aunts and uncles and cousins and if possible siblings but that's the dream, I am aware that I have a high chance of being rejected. I'm ok with that though, I would just prefer to go through it and then be able to deal with it.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 17/10/2020 19:15

you dont owe him anything. If you want to get in touch with your brothers and sisters then its up to you. If he is a dick about it, thats not your fault

blueberrypie0112 · 17/10/2020 19:16

He is trying to stay out of family drama, leave him alone. He already made it clear to yo

MelbourneWay · 17/10/2020 19:16

Hello, I have personal experience of this situation, fortunately with good results. I was formally adopted, so there was a recognised process to follow, but this is what I did.

You have a lot of feelings and you want to get a message to your birth dad. That is great and wonderful. However the best way to do this is via a letter, not via social media. Take your time, compose the perfect letter over several days or weeks and get it right.

The biggest problem here is that you have no idea of his situation, what his circumstances are and what he knows about you. You popping up now might cause him a lot of problems.

Ideally you need an intermediary to deliver the letter, unopened, so that your birth dad knows it is there and so that he can open it when he is ready.

Possibly the DNA cousin who popped up on Ancestry might be able to contact your dad and say something like "I have a letter for you from a relative of yours born in xxxx (your year of birth), would you be interested in receiving it?"

If he says yes, then that's great and you can take it from there. If he says no, then you have tried your best, and your cousin still has the letter for the future.

I hope things work out for you.

MuserOwl · 17/10/2020 19:16

Give him long enough to feel regret at having cut you off.

What is your goal? To get some answers?

If so, give him long enough to feel the fear that he feels (rightly or wrongly) to pass.

He will feel relief at first.

Then maybe he will feel that it wasnt his finest hour.

I know it is hard not to rush things but try to slow it right down.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 17/10/2020 19:18

I don't think it would split his family up, from what I can tell I was conceived at least 5 years before his eldest was born so he wouldn't have been with his wife when he was with my mum

You just don’t know that, I’m afraid. He could easily have been with his wife, even if they weren’t married at the time, at the time he was also with your mother. It could have been an affair his wife and children know nothing about, or that his wife has had to deal with. Either way you don’t have the right to risk wrecking other people’s lives.

I’d recommend getting some counselling to deal with what’s going on, because it must be awful for you. However, you say you don’t want to be left in limbo but I think your father’s response to you and the cousin has been pretty unambiguous.

CSIblonde · 17/10/2020 19:22

I'd be prepared for them not to want contact. And that if they do, your Dad might see it as a revenge move & things could get complicated. Theres a woman on You Tube whose bio parents are still together & didn't want to know her when she found them. Her bio brother got such guilt about seeing her, he then cut contact a year in & she was left devastated for a 2nd time. My DM traced her bio family who welcomed her , but her real mother had died & she had little in common with her cousins who were all the family left & contact naturally died off. She didn't want to find her Dad who was a married man & had returned to Ireland shortly after she was born.

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