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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell the whole family I exist

200 replies

Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 18:44

Long story.
Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived.

Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it.
For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name.
I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me.
Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family?
I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them.
But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad?
I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret.
Any help would be lovely

OP posts:
Calligraphy572 · 18/10/2020 07:59

You should absolutely pursue this. You are not actually sure he is your father, and you have a right to know that. Deleting your messages, etc, was a deplorable move by him.

Yes, contact his children and/or siblings. You do not have a right to a relationship with anyone, which you clearly understand. But you do have a right to know who your biological father is. And if this 'man' won't answer you directly, then of course you should contact his immediate family.

Best of luck to you, OP.

VentventVENT · 18/10/2020 08:16

I really feel for you and have been in a similar situation (I’m adopted). I was acknowledged but for a long time my Birth parents would not tell their children and as much as I sometimes wanted to push it - I realised that it would cause heartache to all.

While you say “I’ll just contact his sister” - you have literally zero clue about the family dynamics. Maybe she’ll tell all and sundry as she does t like her brother. Maybe she’ll say horrible things about your mum. Maybe she will ignore your as well.

I know it’s heart wrenching but it’s best to leave it alone.

joystir59 · 18/10/2020 08:18

Do whatever you need to do to make contact with your relatives. It is your right.

AlwaysCheddar · 18/10/2020 08:19

You do what you want to do, or you will regret it in years to come.

DinoTeam · 18/10/2020 08:31

I wouldn’t. I was contacted by a half sibling and it caused a shit storm of grief for me and I haven’t forgiven her. I don’t understand the people willing you to blow a family apart, your dad may not be innocent but his family are Sad.

Bluesheep8 · 18/10/2020 08:37

I would respect what his wishes appear to be and leave well alone. I wouldn't try to contact him or his family again.

Anderton · 18/10/2020 08:52

I wouldn’t. I was contacted by a half sibling and it caused a shit storm of grief for me and I haven’t forgiven her. I don’t understand the people willing you to blow a family apart, your dad may not be innocent but his family are

Do you not think that children have a right to know where they came from?

Not everyone reacts the same way or would feel as you do. Many people would be thrilled to discover they have a half sibling or niece.

A child should not feel that they have to keep their existence quiet to protect others. They are not responsible for the actions of their parents.

Calligraphy572 · 18/10/2020 08:57

@DinoTeam That response makes no sense. Your half-sister didn't blow up the family. Whoever created and then denied her existence did that. I feel sorry for your sister, that on top of being denied the family that you had, she also has to deal with your misplaced blame.

The OP has offered her potential father the opportunity to answer her questions without anyone else knowing. He didn't take her up on it.

Catflapkitkat · 18/10/2020 10:47

Bluesheep8. 'Respect his wishes and leave well alone'. Are you the Father?

He has IGNORED two emails/social media attempt at contact. He has not made his wishes clear and he certainly doesn't deserve any respect.

This is about the OPs curiosity/questions and wishes. She is the one who deserves respect and a response.

Bluesheep8 · 18/10/2020 11:29

*Bluesheep8. 'Respect his wishes and leave well alone'. Are you the Father?

He has IGNORED two emails/social media attempt at contact. He has not made his wishes clear and he certainly doesn't deserve any respect.

This is about the OPs curiosity/questions and wishes. She is the one who deserves respect and a response.*

....Er no, I'm not Confused

The fact that he has ignored two attempts at contact makes his wishes very clear. He doesn't want contact.

christinarossetti19 · 18/10/2020 11:38

But his wishes around contact (which he hasn't made explicit) aren't the deciding factor for other people in OP's family.

I don't get the 'I chose to leave well alone' posters. Great - you made a choice that was right for you (you may of course change your mind at some point). Why shouldn't OP make the choice that is right for her?

It does seem that some people are less affected (for want of a better word) than others by wanting to know about their biological family. But if it means a lot to you, it means a lot to you, and you can't just close that aspect of your identity and awareness down at will.

VentventVENT · 18/10/2020 11:50

I don't get the 'I chose to leave well alone' posters. Great - you made a choice that was right for you (you may of course change your mind at some point). Why shouldn't OP make the choice that is right for her?

Because it’s not just about her and of it goes wrong it will likely be more grief. As mentioned above I’ve been through a similar process - it ended well. However I spoke to lots and lots of people who had been through similar and cannot think of one person who had a positive experience.

Cam2020 · 18/10/2020 12:00

It depends on what you want from your father. He's been cruel to just ignore you IMO. If you want him to simply acknowledge you and for people in your family to know you exist, then do it, but if you actually want a relationship with his man, then I wouldn't advise contacting other family members.
You really need to think about what it is you want. You have to be prepared for a lot of resentment and hostility all round here - do you think you can cope with that?

@Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 that is so sad about your dad, but so lovely that you've formed a relationship with your sister and aunt. Flowers

Twigaletta · 18/10/2020 12:03

He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with you but other family members might. He doesn't get to make that decision for them and you.

A word of caution is that you should listen to their responses. No response IS a response so please listen if that is what their reply is.

TillyTheTiger · 18/10/2020 12:19

If you're certain it's the right person then he DOES owe you something. He fathered you, knew of your existence and chose not to be in your life, not to support your mother, not to do any parenting. Now according to some people he has no obligation to you at all and you should just quietly leave huge questions about your own identity and family unanswered out of respect for his feelings? Even though this situation was of his making, not yours.
The very very least he owes you information about the medical history of his side of the family, since your DNA is 50% his.

Giggorata · 18/10/2020 12:26

@Anderton

You do not have to keep his secret for him. It is totally wrong for a child to feel they have to keep their existence quiet in order to preserve the feelings of the family that their parent now has - you are also part of that family.

I would make contact gently and see if anyone would be willing to do an Ancestry test to confirm the relationship.

In my similar situation I made contact with two half siblings. I felt like I was viewed with suspicion and chose not to pursue a relationship. My existence was acknowledged though and I believe every child has a right to that.

I was in a similar situation, too. In hindsight, I would have been better to have involved a social worker to mediate rather than do it myself, as then a lot of issues could have been addressed beforehand, about feelings, expectations, the past, the future, etc.

I was adopted for reasons. The family dynamics were difficult and there was a great deal of narcissism and drama, which I unwittingly got drawn into after I made contact. It has been a difficult journey, and I had to distance myself somewhat to maintain my own peace.

Overall, I am glad that I know my birth family, especially my siblings, and have got to know family histories, etc, which sort of helps place me in the world.

I found that my siblings knew all about me, which was a surprise, but that in the extended family, me and my other adopted sibling were dirty secrets, and I was never allowed to know my paternal grandparents, who were from the “respectable” end of the family.

I would have liked to have known them, and also to have my existence acknowledged in the wider family. MY wider family. which I had a right to know about, and maybe to know, and possibly even to join. (Ah, but there's the romantic ideal again)

I would advise adjusting expectations, if you do make contact with wider family members, and work on coming to terms with your father's refusal to know you first. The suggestion upthread of involving a third party is, I think, the way to go.
Good luck. Smile

EmeraldShamrock · 18/10/2020 12:58

Yes if it makes you feel better. Please protect yourself emotionally before you do. My Dsis DH had a DC he never told Dsis until he got a college maintenance order.
He ignored it. The DC age 19 went to Dsis and his parents everyone stuck by her DHs decision and rejected the DC again.
He has 2 abandoned DC none his fault apparently according to Dsis we've had arguments as I know he cut the 2nd off age 3 when he met Dsis that one is 15 and other than maintenance by court they give the DC no time no extra gift at Christmas he doesn't exist in their other than a monthly maintenance order. Sad
It doesn't sit right with me. I love Dsis not her attitude.
She's an intelligent stupid person.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 18/10/2020 13:06

@Mammawilson sorry OP you’re not in limbo, he’s not responded twice. That’s your answer. I wouldn’t want to be contacted by someone who claimed to be a sibling. I also wouldn’t go behind my dads back and have a relationship with them if my dad has not been responding to messages. You can contact them but be prepared that the response may be not what you want.

Also why do you assume they don’t know you exist? Maybe they do and just don’t want to have a relationship.

christinarossetti19 · 18/10/2020 13:20

@VentventVENT

I don't get the 'I chose to leave well alone' posters. Great - you made a choice that was right for you (you may of course change your mind at some point). Why shouldn't OP make the choice that is right for her?

Because it’s not just about her and of it goes wrong it will likely be more grief. As mentioned above I’ve been through a similar process - it ended well. However I spoke to lots and lots of people who had been through similar and cannot think of one person who had a positive experience.

The choices she makes in her relationships are about her though. In the same way that her relatives have the choice to say that they don't want a relationship.

You chose to make contact with your relatives (you describe a similar process) - why shouldn't OP have the same choice?

VentventVENT · 18/10/2020 13:56

@christinarossetti19
Well no - if you read myearlier post I pointed out that for several years after Initial contact my siblings were unaware of my existence and I didn’t directly contact them.

There are very rarely good endings when things are pushed like that.

Worldwide2 · 18/10/2020 14:23

Like pp his no response is a response. (speaking from experience) a half sibling contacted me and my siblings as my dad didn't want to have any relationship. We stood by our dad and didn't want one either.
It maybe harsh to some ppl but it's reality.

Doingitaloneandproud · 18/10/2020 14:33

@Bluesheep8

*Bluesheep8. 'Respect his wishes and leave well alone'. Are you the Father?

He has IGNORED two emails/social media attempt at contact. He has not made his wishes clear and he certainly doesn't deserve any respect.

This is about the OPs curiosity/questions and wishes. She is the one who deserves respect and a response.*

....Er no, I'm not Confused

The fact that he has ignored two attempts at contact makes his wishes very clear. He doesn't want contact.

This. I'd say his no response is quite clear he does not want a relationship with you. It's your choice on the siblings however be prepared for rejection, they may decide they want nothing to do with you, make sure you protect yourself from any hurt.
emilyfrost · 18/10/2020 14:35

YABVU and selfish. The sad thing is that he doesn’t want to know you, and it’s not your place to go barging into the rest of his family and disturbing their lives.

Anderton · 18/10/2020 14:46

YABVU and selfish. The sad thing is that he doesn’t want to know you, and it’s not your place to go barging into the rest of his family and disturbing their lives.

Why is it selfish to want to know your biological family? His family are also her family are they not?

RoisinD · 18/10/2020 14:55

@emilyfrost

YABVU and selfish. The sad thing is that he doesn’t want to know you, and it’s not your place to go barging into the rest of his family and disturbing their lives.
It is not the OPs fault that the rest of the family's lives are being disrupted. The man who is rejecting her yet again is the one responsible and selfish. She is the one being victimised and punished and you think she deserves more of the same?
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