Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To tell the whole family I exist

200 replies

Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 18:44

Long story.
Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived.

Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it.
For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name.
I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me.
Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family?
I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them.
But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad?
I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret.
Any help would be lovely

OP posts:

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 21:03

You can find his address, Mammawilson, or the DHSS or whatever it is now called will find it and forward a letter to him from you. Everybody has a national insurance number. That is what I did with my mother. Having said that I knew her full name and date of birth - it took a bit of searching on my part to discover but I did know how old she was in years when she had me so could narrow it down.

There are organisations that can help you do all this discreetly.

I doubt anyone will be angry with you but it will be a shock and take a bit of digesting if you do manage to make contact; be prepared to wait a bit for a response and also for not having one. At least you will have tried.

Good luck.

nancybotwinbloom · 18/10/2020 21:13

My "dad" left us when I was three.

I've no desire to meet any siblings I may or may not have.

However if they turned up at my door I'd have to get to know them.

I'm happy not knowing.

newnameforthis123 · 18/10/2020 21:31

@Mammawilson

Unfortunately the process is already in motion but it's something I'm looking into

You can stop the process for now though can't you? And not contact anyone else until you've had some counselling and a chance to think it through more. There's no reason to push ahead immediately, I would really recommend taking a step back and doing the counselling side of things now before anything else.

Grilledaubergines · 18/10/2020 21:35

OP, this was via Facebook? Question: how do you know he’s deleted your friend request? I didn’t think it showed if it was deleted, just that the requested person hasn’t accepted. If the message is unread, it’s possible therefore that (a) the friend request gives no explanation of who you are so has just been ignored; and (b) if you’ve messaged him via messenger and he hasn’t read it, that he doesn’t get notifications. I say this as I have found messages in the messenger spam folder and hasn’t known of their existence.

Is any of the above a possibility?

HeddaGarbled · 18/10/2020 21:35

You’re angry with him, aren’t you? That’s understandable. But maybe not the best starting point for what you are planning to do. I concur with PPs who are suggesting accessing some professional support.

T33l9 · 18/10/2020 21:38

I would do it.

Neither me not my lovely brother knew about each others existence until I was 25 and he 32. We are both very happy to be in one anothers lives.

Original poster

Mammawilson · 18/10/2020 21:43

No I'm not angry, I've already had counselling before around this subject so I always had an idea how I would react , again this is always something i knew would eventually happen so i have dealt with every possibility in my head

OP posts:

Tangledtresses · 18/10/2020 21:48

I'm here with you! My dad had 4 children all different mums!!! He weirdly only wanted to know who I was 😬 so I found my brother and not yet found the two others....
I'd be happy to find them! So really no one ever knows how Amy one else would feel until you try!
Didn't go well with the brother that I found, I realised my dad was an utter coward....and I told him so. He's passed now. I will keep on trying to find them
It's a weird situation that I get wholeheartedly from your point of view 😀 so keep going

newnameforthis123 · 18/10/2020 21:52

@Mammawilson

I appreciate you say you've had counselling before but the reality of actually contacting more people is different to thinking how you feel hypothetically. So until you feel confident of your decision and not uncomfortable with it (which starting a thread implies) it's probably better to do nothing either way until you feel more certain. Counselling would be a great way to do that.

EmeraldShamrock · 19/10/2020 00:54

You never know until you put yourself out there, you sound prepared.
I know if I'd a sibling turn up I'd be angry at the parent responsible for abandoning them not the sibling.
I hope it goes well if not it is their loss, at least you'd know then close the chapter. Best of luck.

AnneOfTeenFables · 19/10/2020 01:17

You don't sound like you've dealt with every possibility. Nowhere in your posts have you considered that this man isn't your father. You also haven't considered that his siblings and his DCs know about you and have decided not to contact you or pursue a relationship with you. You talk about their 'right' to know but actually this is all about what you feel are your rights.
Nothing has been set in motion. Go back to counselling. Contact charities with experience in this field. This isn't the type of family decision that benefits from being played out at speed online.

Irisheyesrsmiling · 19/10/2020 04:27

Your Father should acknowledge you. I think counselling before you to anything is key, with someone who specializes in this sort of thing.

I would want to know if I had a sibling. As would many.

DinoTeam · 19/10/2020 08:00

@Calligraphy572
She wasn’t denied the family I’d had . There’s three of them and they had contact with my dads family etc as they all live in the area my dad was born. I was raised an only child with no contact with any of my dads family. They had more family than I ever had and still do!

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 19/10/2020 10:37

@Mammawilson OP I really feel for you in this situation, it’s clear this more about knowing them it seems like your searching for something, A relationship or whatever. I’m so sorry he is treating you this way you don’t deserve that but I don’t think it’s fair to contact anyone but him, like you’ve done nothing wrong neither have they. Just concentrate on your life and your family. This man may not think of himself as anything other than a spree donor. I’m sorry he’s let you down.

CupidStunt2020 · 19/10/2020 10:49

Either way you don’t have the right to risk wrecking other people’s lives

This is pure bullshit, and so demeaning to OP! Stay quiet, piss off, you're not important, but these people are? Fuck that! OP has no obligation to them. He fathered a child and she exists. She can contact who she likes and say what she likes. If other peoples lives are affected by this, thats on him.

Bluesheep8 · 19/10/2020 11:02

I would want to know if I had a sibling. As would many.

And I absolutely wouldn't want to know. As wouldn't many.

CupidStunt2020 · 19/10/2020 11:09

And I absolutely wouldn't want to know. As wouldn't many

Well that would just be tough for you, if one turned up. They wouldn't owe you anything.

Bluesheep8 · 19/10/2020 11:14

Well that would just be tough for you, if one turned up. They wouldn't owe you anything.

Why would it have to be "tough for me?"
I wouldn't owe them anything either.

RoseTintedAtuin · 19/10/2020 11:32

I sympathise with you OP and I recognise that a lot of this will be tied up in you finding parts of your identity and perhaps finding connections, but I do t think you have thought through the impact your actions may have. You father may have had good reasons to walk away, you suggest it was a one night stand and there appears to have been little contact which suggests he had little input into the decision to have a baby and he may not believe you are his. There may have been a lot more to his side of the story. By pushing contact with extended family you may well be damaging their relationship with him (e.g. I adored my father and if I found out he had another child that would have had serious repercussions), so while you have not done anything wrong your actions going forward could cause significant damage to a lot of people. It is not as simple as they choose to accept or reject you. You also seem to want this all to move at your own pace but what about theirs? I feel for you, but I also feel for his kids and other family and depending on the circumstances of your birth I feel bad for him if he had no input. With the deepest sympathy your suggested actions seem reckless, and as if you’re acting out. I agree with your DP to take it slowly and give him time.

CupidStunt2020 · 19/10/2020 11:32

Why would it have to be "tough for me?

Have you confused yourself? You said you wouldn't want to know if you had a sibling, and I said that would be tough luck if you had one and they told you. You can't control other people saying they exist, you know

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 19/10/2020 11:43

My DH was in this situation. Adopted and traced his birth parents, both now dead. We found contact details for his half siblings but sat on the information for a while. I thought it over and said to him that, as one of a big family, with a lovely dad (also passed away), even though I'd be shocked if a half sibling turned up, and it would change my view of my dad, I would absolutely want to know my half sibling. It's a very big deal and a very close genetic relationship. The thought of them out there on their own would horrify me.

In the end, DH made contact - he's formed a wonderful relationship with some of his siblings - one of them didn't want to know, but he accepted that. Yes, they were shocked, but my DH is a nice guy and they're happy to have him in the family.

Best of luck with it OP

Beautiful3 · 19/10/2020 11:46

If you contacted me, I would love to meet you as a sister! I would go for it. Lifes too short to never know what might have been

RudeAF · 19/10/2020 12:15

I have only read half the thread because as a fellow abandoned child who did not have one of these super single mums who are apparently mother and father rolled in to one the nasty replies were really distressing. Anyone who doesn’t know why it’s like to have a huge parent shaped hole in their life and how that affects your self esteem will never understand. He owes you a conversation OP and you aren’t less of a person than your half siblings. He created a human and he doesn’t get to hope you quietly go away to make his life easier.

Newfornow · 19/10/2020 12:18

I believe in no regrets.
If I didn’t try I would never know.
He may not want anything to do you. Other relatives might, why should you and they miss out? You are not asking for anything. You are offering.

Newfornow · 19/10/2020 12:48

I kind of relate, and although the family didn’t want to know me, I knew.. They weren’t looking for me and I had tried.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread