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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the whole family I exist

200 replies

Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 18:44

Long story.
Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived.

Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it.
For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name.
I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me.
Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family?
I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them.
But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad?
I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret.
Any help would be lovely

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 17/10/2020 19:40

How are you going to protect yourself from further hurt? That's the first thing.

Thereafter, are you willing to hurt other people? Can you be sure you won't?

dna testing turns up some suprises. My dad was surprised to find he actually is my dad. I'd always thought he was cold and aloof because he was a nasty person. Turns out that he didn't think I was his. I was 62 when he knew for sure.

blueberrypie0112 · 17/10/2020 19:41

@Mammawilson

I really don't understand people who say "he's trying to stay out of family drama", I mean he did create this dram didnt he? If my partner had a child pop up looking for him I would be horrified if he chose to walk away or ignore them. Also people saying it's not my right? Surely it is my right to not be hidden from potential family? I wasn't from an affair, I don't want revenge i just want to to be recognised as existing.
Sorry, I thought it was a cousin who won’t reply. His siblings are likely to stay out of it too. All of my family (aunts/uncles/cousins) refuse communicate with my half sibling. But my half sibling won’t talk to me anyhow. I just learned to let it go. Your best best is look for second or third cousins, they are far more willing to talk about your father’s ancestors.
christinarossetti19 · 17/10/2020 19:41

Rosebel yet there are people in this thread who were adopted and have described how they contacted their birth families with a good outcome.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/10/2020 19:41

I don't understand. He hasn't left you in limbo, he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want contact. I'm surprised you tried again after he deleted your first message.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/10/2020 19:41

I don't want to be the cause of a family break down how is a child in this situation to blame for family breakdown?
If she's the product of an affair, that's wholly on the cheating parent.
If a pre relationship baby but the "new" partner isn't ok with it, that's on the two people within the relationship and probably the parent who didn't disclose.

HotPenguin · 17/10/2020 19:42

Are you sure your birth father knows you exist? It sounds like your mum was very vague about him. Is it possible that he never knew about you? If so, you could understand him being suspicious on receiving your message.

I think you should contact your half siblings if you want to. A friend of mine found she had a half sister she had never met. The sister had been given up for adoption long before she was born. My friend was a bit surprised but not angry or upset.

katy1213 · 17/10/2020 19:43

I think he's made his position clear. I don't know why people think that siblings would be thrilled to be contacted out of the blue - I'd be horrified and would have zero interest in making contact. And your father's siblings - why would they be interested? I haven't a clue what my brothers got up to in their younger days and care less! It's tough, but I think the more you try to force it, the more you'll be hurt.

PatriciaPerch · 17/10/2020 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iola4 · 17/10/2020 19:45

"Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is"

"according to my mum he is aware of my existance"

I'm confused...she doesn't know who he is but knows he knows of you? Have you written this wrong OP?

I am giving it a guess but if he's ignored you twice he knows full well who you are and doesn't want contact at all.

Onadifferentuniverse · 17/10/2020 19:45

No, because it’s not just about the op and if they’re willing to have a relationship with op or not. It gos deeper than this and it wouldn’t be fair.
The dad has made it clear.
@ Staffy1

Pleatherandlace · 17/10/2020 19:47

@Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 that’s such a sad story about your Dad, I’m sorry that happened. OP I think you should just do whatever makes you feel ok.

Sportsnight · 17/10/2020 19:50

I have had a couple of relatives pop up via Ancestry.com which was a bit startling. I haven’t really gone on to form a relationship with them, I have been willing to tell them what I know. I think it’s very hard on the person left guessing with no one else to ask.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 19:52

I'm really surprised by people's reactions, If i had a niece or nephew who popped up wanting some form of contact then i would as much as i felt i could. Also if my partner had a child from a previous relationship pop up i would also take a step back so it surprises me how many people feel it's ok to somehow put the blame on me for the actions of the people who made me.
Also i don't see how contacting his sister to explain that I believe I am related to her is 'forcing myself' on to people who may either reject or not. Worse case scenario is they reject me, and that's ok as I wouldn't have gained or lost anything, best case scenario is I have new family member and answers to my ancestry

OP posts:
slashlover · 17/10/2020 19:55

Have you asked the cousin you're in contact with how they think everyone would react? Surely they could also give you the medical information you need?

HelloDulling · 17/10/2020 19:55

He’s made it very clear he’s not interested in a relationship with you. That isn’t going to change.

Are you happy to be the bringer of much family discord as well as possible joy? If you are, go ahead.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 19:57

I should have made it clearer, my mum knows who my dad is just not his surname, he knows I exists as he saw a baby photo of my when I was a few months old, he also knew she was pregnant but didnt believe her at the time until he saw the photo of me

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 17/10/2020 19:57

I feel for you, Mamawilson. Many years ago I located my biological father and sent him a Christmas card with my name and email address. I just wrote, "I am Barbara's daughter". I received no acknowledgement. He is dead now.

I think you just have to accept he does not want to know. He may well have buried your existence in his subconscious, probably moved on and had a family. There's no point in intruding and contacting any of his relatives would be wrong.

At least you had your mum, that's the main thing. I also hope you have had a decent life.

Good luck.

PatriciaPerch · 17/10/2020 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemondust · 17/10/2020 19:57

My perspective is from the other side. I was contacted by a woman a few years ago on messenger who said we had the same mother and we were half sisters. I am an only child and never would have had any idea. She is 5 years older than me.

She had been in touch with my mother for about a year before and was getting frustrated with not being acknowledged to the wider family so took matters into her own hands. My mother lived a stressful and terrifying period while this all came out which is really sad. I was and am actually fine with it, if anything intrigued and interested. I think it was far better for my mum once she knew i was aware and we could talk about it. My sister and mum stopped contact but I am still in contact with her 6 years later.

blueberrypie0112 · 17/10/2020 19:58

How does your mom feel about this?

TidyOmlette · 17/10/2020 19:58

OP I’m in a similar scenario. It pisses me off that people think he should be allowed to have no consequences. He fathered a child, he had a responsibility.

This may be my own personal hurt talking but I would blow the whole family apart. Tell them all everything and give them a chance. Don’t have the rest of your life wondering what if.

BorderlineHappy · 17/10/2020 20:00

2 things,

1.What if the fella you contacted is not your dad.You cant just drop a bomb like that,

you would have to be really certain its him.

2.What if he was abusive and thats why your dm was vague.

I dont know my sperm donor.He knew i existed.

I made the choice not to contact him.Because he had plenty of years to do it.And didnt.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 20:01

My mum is supportive of it, sadly my life growing up was not easy though due to various issues with my mum. Thankfully it is because of these issues growing up that I have done quite well in my life.

OP posts:
Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 17/10/2020 20:06

Thanks @pleatherandlace 33 years of wanting to find him, then knowing I did it too late..... heartbreaking. Its the answers now I will never get x

cherrybun01 · 17/10/2020 20:07

it's really pissed me off you have had such a large yabu response.

I didnt know my real dad either, then met him a few years ago. he came up with excuse after excuse why his 4 other children weren't able to be told about me. point being, it was for HIS sake not theirs. he was a coward. we were no contact now.

and for the record, if I could find my siblings I would definitley get in touch and have looked for my eldest one several times with no luck unfortunately. life is too short. him and his extended family may well not want anything to do with you but you'll never know unless you try. I used to find it really painful but then I met my real dad and realised actually I had dodged a bullet. he was an asshole and a workaholic who had damaged, by his own account, his other 4 children by being in and out of their lives like a yoyo. thank fuck he stayed out of mine for good.