To tell the whole family I exist

[Mammawilson]

Long story.
Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived.

Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it.
For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name.
I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me.
Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family?
I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them.
But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad?
I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret.
Any help would be lovely

OP, it's not your responsibility to "protect" his family (who are your family, too, btw) from the knowledge of your existence. I think you have to brace yourself for rejection, if you do contact any of them, but if it's important enough to you to take that risk, that's your right, and you're not wrong to want to be acknowledged. You're totally innocent in all this.

It might work out so that you form new relationships-- if not with your father, then with someone else in the family. On the other hand, they might be cold or (irrationally) angry. There's really no way to know without trying. It's up to you, and there is no wrong answer.

OP just read your comment about him bring a brilliant dad to his other children. DH also got the impression his dad has been great to his two other sons. His dad is financially secure from having his own successful business. His two other sons have had wonderful holidays and a great upbringing. In contrast he never paid a penny in maintenance for DH despite being taken to court.

@hitchhikingghost

Why would op leave him alone? The man was happy enough to make a baby, and has had no responsibility whatsoever so far. Time to catch up and provide the answers op needs. And there is also heritage - it’s a birth right.

No there isn't. Ops bio father has no obligation to provide anything to OP. Not even medical info.OP is not owed that. Its his personal medical info. He has made it obvious he doesn't want contact. Whats the point in forcing him to say "fuck off"

Why don’t you try writing a letter to him, rather than a random text out of the blue. Give him time to digest you trying to get in contact. It might have been quite a shock to suddenly get the message from you, and maybe he deleted it in haste.

I think it’s up to him to tell his children about you, not for you to drop the bombshell.

I think a couple of commenters here are confused. You're the child in the situation, not a spurned romantic partner who made their own choices at some point. There is no etiquette for you to follow. Your bio-fathers blown up or not blown up life is his own business. Contact your family members. It's possible you can have a relationship with them without involving him.

I don’t think YABU to want to know things about your dad and wider family. I don’t think you owe your father anything and it was fine for you to attempt to contact him. You aren’t really “in limbo” though- you’ve tried to contact him and have had no response, so I think that’s a clear rejection. For now at least.

I’m a bit on the fence re contacting his children or siblings. I understand why you would want to, and they may be happy to welcome you into the family, allowing you to build a relationship with that side of your family. Or it could be throwing a bombshell into their family and they may not be happy about it, nor interested in getting to know you. It is up to you in the end- but I suppose you need to be reasonably sure that you could handle their rejection and/or angry responses.

Op he doesn't want to know, that is why he ignored your messages.

Im confused, I read the OP and its not clear that the person you have contacted is actually your bio father, he may have received these messages off you and be so confused that he has ignored you as he genuinely isnt who you think he is.

You said your DM only knew his first name etc, so unless its a very rare name, could it just be someone with the same name that is related to your cousin. Its also a bit strange that your DM wouldnt have told you that he was related to the family via your cousin, or have I got it all mixed up in my head.

Fuck him and his feelings. What about you?

This is your family OP, you aren't a dirty secret. You tell who the fuck you want.

@Mammawilson

His children are in their early 30's It's not so much I don't want a relationship with him, that would be good but difficult but having a relationship with other family members would also be great, I don't think it would split his family up, from what I can tell I was conceived at least 5 years before his eldest was born so he wouldn't have been with his wife when he was with my mum so I'm not worried on that part, obviously it would be a completely different story if I was born out of an affair. I just want people to know I exist, also having my own children I would appreciate knowing any family medical history which is always a worry

Why?

My father had been married for 12 years before I was conceived during an affair - they'd been going through what passed for fertility treatment for several years at that point (which included quite a few D&Cs and miscarriages for his poor wife).

You do not have to keep his secret for him. It is totally wrong for a child to feel they have to keep their existence quiet in order to preserve the feelings of the family that their parent now has - you are also part of that family.

I would make contact gently and see if anyone would be willing to do an Ancestry test to confirm the relationship.

In my similar situation I made contact with two half siblings. I felt like I was viewed with suspicion and chose not to pursue a relationship. My existence was acknowledged though and I believe every child has a right to that.

Everyone keep telling me not to reach out my half sibling , or I am disrespecting my mother (who took it to her grave) . The thing is, our mother never told us about him , I would had no idea. one of my aunt told us (a slip up) and everyone was very angry with her. Even my own sister is mad and said “if mom didn’t want us to know and my sister hate our family and think it should be private.

I did reach out to him but it was before I figured it out (I did the math based on his age and how closely he related to me and I search his name on ancestry and found a birth detail showing he was born in the same location my mom lived- my grandma moved there after she got divorced) . I just asked him how he is closely related to me, but he never responded .

I love to reach out to him but I am feeling very conflicted. But I think he would have responded by now. I took the hint.

Ive been here op. My advice is to leave well alone your risking yourself alot of heartache

You don’t owe him anything and you should do whatever is best for you. However I think it would be sensible for you you to prepare yourself for rejection.

A few years ago my biological Dad’s son contacted me on Facebook. I haven’t seen or heard anything from my Dad since he left my Mum when I was two and my stepfather brought me up.
Anyway my ‘brother’ sent me a message saying he was my brother and would like to be in touch. I replied saying sorry we might share the same birth father but he’s not my brother and I wasn’t interested and blocked. Nothing against him but I’m just not interested in that part of my life. I was just as entitled to do that as he was to message me. It’s something you might want to prepare yourself for if you start reaching out too.

OP, totally get your frustration with the father, however contacting the extended 'family' is unwise. What do you think will happen? They are genetically linked to you but that's pretty much it. They are not a real family. You are likely to get more rejections from them as well which would cause even more upset to you..do you want to do it just to annoy your rude biological father?

I'm estranged from my sister. Tried and tried gave a relationship with her but she is just so toxic, has a persecution complex and there would be a big xrama eery few months, followed by accusations flying, venomous texts etc etc. In the end l decided l had to give up on her as she was making me ill walking continually on hot coals and couldn't do right for doing wrong.
But she won't accept it, keeps popping up on family social media to get to me through them when lve blocked her off mine, my brother accidentally let her see my address's letters started arriving. I ignored so she started turning up at my door and then banging on neighbours and sagging me off to them, telling them stuff l did as a child (nothing terrible, ran away once and she tells neighbours how lm still running away (lm nearly 60 ffs) and how she's determined lm gonna answer the door as she knows l am in.
I know you haven't done any of these things OP but if someone says they don't want to see you then you have to accept it. I actually am more determined not to respond to my duster the more she tries force the issue so it's counter productive anyway.

Ffs predictive text my sister, not my duster obv. Also have a relationship not gave one. Slagging me off, not sagging.... to name a few!!

@Bahhhhhumbug

I'm estranged from my sister. Tried and tried gave a relationship with her but she is just so toxic, has a persecution complex and there would be a big xrama eery few months, followed by accusations flying, venomous texts etc etc. In the end l decided l had to give up on her as she was making me ill walking continually on hot coals and couldn't do right for doing wrong. But she won't accept it, keeps popping up on family social media to get to me through them when lve blocked her off mine, my brother accidentally let her see my address's letters started arriving. I ignored so she started turning up at my door and then banging on neighbours and sagging me off to them, telling them stuff l did as a child (nothing terrible, ran away once and she tells neighbours how lm still running away (lm nearly 60 ffs) and how she's determined lm gonna answer the door as she knows l am in. I know you haven't done any of these things OP but if someone says they don't want to see you then you have to accept it. I actually am more determined not to respond to my duster the more she tries force the issue so it's counter productive anyway.

Yes, I feel it is a bit of stalking. The father didn’t mean to expose his family informations over the internet to be stalked. It is a bit private from people who never met them.

Op, it’s best to stick with those who are a match to you and respond to you. I found many new wonderful “family” from my matches who are a 2nd or third cousin to me

We were contacted by my elder half brother. He had had counselling before he made contact and took it slowly. It has worked out very well for us.

I think that counselling before you do anything is a good idea.

You tell who the fuck you want.

Yeah, and don't give a fuck about who it could screw up. I mean, they are all "guilty" by association so screw their feelings. Nice attitude.

I think to just ignore your mails says your Father is spineless - he owes you a response at the very least.

You seem to have come to terms with the fact there will be no relationship but I get the what to know that side of the family. You have half siblings, I imagine aunts, uncles, cousins - it's not just about him. I say do it. Your posts don't talk about revenge or throwing grenades. DO IT - I am sure you will mindful. If I found out there was a half siblings - I would want to know and possibly meet them.

DO IT OP. You deserve it. Good luck

I agree with Catflapkitkat and understand you are prepared for rejection, although hopefully that doesn't happen, he might just need a bit more time and once he sees other family members having contact with you, curiosity might just get the better of him.

Sorry there is no much negativity in some replies, it's easy to see they have had a 'perfect' life with no family secrets and have never been in your situation. My background is similar to yours but many years ago when tracing was more difficult there were no avenues for searching and I guess my birth father has passed away now. Unfortunately I don't have a name as mine was a forced adoption and everyone has taken my secret to their graves so I don't have any hope of a discovery now, which is why I say give it another try but with cousin first as they might be able to explain it to him and give him some support.

If you don't do it 'now' you might lose the opportunity, don't mean to sound morbid but what if he died and you had let that last chance slip through your fingers?

Wishing you 'all' the best and please update as info such as this can help other people...besides I love to hear happy endings.

Go for it or you will always wonder what could have been. The family might welcome you with open arms or reject you but at least you’d know where you stand. Good luck OP

WindyRose Have you taken an Ancestry DNA test? Even if your father has passed away you may be able to discover who he was.

I think it’s very difficult for people to understand how painful not knowing can be.