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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the whole family I exist

200 replies

Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 18:44

Long story.
Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived.

Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it.
For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name.
I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me.
Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family?
I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them.
But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad?
I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret.
Any help would be lovely

OP posts:
blinkboo · 18/10/2020 15:01

I have two friends who were contacted out of the blue (as young adults) by siblings they knew nothing about, after the parent did not reply to messages. In both cases the friends went on to have a good relationship with the new sibling and in one case it then eased the path to a relationship with the parent.
Tread carefully and respectfully and don't ask the family members to take sides. It's not up to one person to decide whether or not you have a relationship with the others.

nosswith · 18/10/2020 15:04

If you do decide to contact the siblings, be prepared for the possibility that they might not want to have any contact with you.

Carouselfish · 18/10/2020 15:12

Contacting 'his' family? Well, they are also the ops family too. Contact them op.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 18/10/2020 16:04

I find it really strange I am being accused if being selfish for wanting to know an entire other side if his family, regardless if he doesn't want to have a relationship that is his right. The rest of the family also have a right to at least have the choice as do I, to consider me selfish is a really strange thing to think.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 18/10/2020 16:37

Strangely this thread looks to be going the same way of the
father and his partner situation thread.

emilyfrost · 18/10/2020 16:46

The rest of the family also have a right to at least have the choice as do I

Except that all you’d be doing would be barging into their lives and disrupting them; few people are going to be happy about that.

Blood doesn’t mean anything, you’re just a stranger to them and knowing you have the same blood doesn’t make you family.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 18/10/2020 16:50

Emily, your comments are not very nice considering I haven't actually done anything wrong, I wonder if your comments are more about an experience you have had and not about my actual post

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 18/10/2020 17:11

I think that's important to hold on to OP - you haven't done anything wrong. You didn't create this situation. You can't just switch off your desire to connect with your biological family.

Anderton · 18/10/2020 17:14

Except that all you’d be doing would be barging into their lives and disrupting them; few people are going to be happy about that

How do you know they won't be pleased that they've gained a sister? Your posts are horrible, why do you feel so strongly that the OP isn't entitled to make contact with her own family?

Calligraphy572 · 18/10/2020 17:22

Having the same blood quite literally makes you family. Confused

Original poster
Mammawilson · 18/10/2020 17:28

I always find it odd that even though he deletes my friend request (that's understandable) and not read the messages, although I'm 100% sure he has seen them I find it strange that he didn't just block me, maybe I am hopeful. My partner is very matter if fact and says to just leave it for a while and then hopefully his curiosity will get the better of him.
A part of me feels a relationship with other family members if his will be less complicated, so if they don't reject then it might actually be easier. So many what's its, I would rather know, go through the rejection and then be able to heal.

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 18/10/2020 17:41

I'm adopted and when you speak to professionals about whether or not to seek contact, they strongly recommend having counselling before making any decisions. I think that would be a good idea as it's a highly emotive issue and sometimes it's hard to see the bigger picture and make a balanced decision.

picosandsancerre · 18/10/2020 18:04

hmm its an interesting situation. I know my dad had lots of DC, he dumped my mum in a new town with no support and three DC at the age of 21. He had three other girls and a boy. I have zero interest in meeting them, I have my own family and extended family. We may be related by blood but I am truly not bothered. So if one of his DC turned up seeking a relationship I would be pretty clear I wasnt interested. Bonding over a man who treated woman like shit and had lots of DC? Nope time to move on and leave the past in the past and not let it dictate your future

AnxMummy10 · 18/10/2020 18:13

OP I think that as you are dealing with all adults here, they can make up their own minds. You might find that some want a relationship and some dont. Just be prepared for the worst outcome. Wishing you peace.

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 18:15

I agree with that. I too was adopted and found my birth mother when I was 37. It has to be handled very sensitively and I felt I had to be the most sensitive. I'm very glad I found her.

She told me about my birth father (her first love), who did actually ask her to marry him but she wasn't ready for marriage and had decided to give me up for adoption (with strong support/pressure from her mother). I knew his name and age and did locate him but never met him; I wasn't going to push it. I think finding my mother was enough really. She later married but had no children, she had been widowed about eight years when I met her. I don't know about him, I expect he married and had a family but they are both dead now.

It was good to fill in blanks. I really liked my mother, felt quite protective towards her and didn't intrude on her life.

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 18/10/2020 19:14

I am adopted and don't know any of my birth family and personally wouldn't do this. I would write him a letter and take it from there.

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 19:26

@DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld

I am adopted and don't know any of my birth family and personally wouldn't do this. I would write him a letter and take it from there.
That is sensible. I wrote a letter to my birth mother; I didn't know her address but the government can find anyone if you know their name and dob, and will forward a letter so that's what I did. Then it was up to her whether or not to contact me and she did.

With my father, my mother told me his name and I traced him myself. When Christmas was nigh I sent him a Christmas card signed with my name and put an address sticker on the back of the envelope; I just said,"This is *'s daughter. He had known about me, had wanted to marry my mother, so unless he had completely forgotten, would have realised who I was but it looked innocuous enough if anyone else saw the card. I never heard anything and didn't pursue it.

jessstan1 · 18/10/2020 19:26

Sorry, I seem to repeated myself a bit.

Dweetfidilove · 18/10/2020 19:44

He's already rejected you now you've contacted him and possibly throughout your entire life; so it can't get worse for you.
Contact his family, see what comes of it then proceed with your life accordingly.

Storyoftonight · 18/10/2020 20:14

@Rosebel

I'm sorry but bluntly he's made it obvious he doesn't want a relationship with you. You want to contact his siblings but why? Because you want a relationship with them or you want to try and connect with your dad through them? I think you need to step aww. Slightly different but I know people who are adopted and contact their birth families and it never ends well.
Completely different situation and also offensive.
HeddaGarbled · 18/10/2020 20:22

The risk is that he will be very very angry with you.

Rosebel · 18/10/2020 20:46

Why offensive? I'm merely stating facts based on life experience.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 18/10/2020 20:55

The risk of him being very angry with me is almost laughable really though, he has no right to be angry with me, I am aware if his children found out they may feel anger towards me but that would be misplaced and reflecting something into me that should be at their dad, in a perfect world he would have told them he fathered a child and chose to walk away but that is not in my control.
Unfortunately to the people who say write a letter, that would have been better but as I don't have an address it's not something I could have done.

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 18/10/2020 20:57

@Mammawilson

The risk of him being very angry with me is almost laughable really though, he has no right to be angry with me, I am aware if his children found out they may feel anger towards me but that would be misplaced and reflecting something into me that should be at their dad, in a perfect world he would have told them he fathered a child and chose to walk away but that is not in my control. Unfortunately to the people who say write a letter, that would have been better but as I don't have an address it's not something I could have done.
Would you consider some counselling before you decide what to do OP? As mentioned I am adopted and this is always, always advised to people considering their next steps re contact with birth families.
Original poster
Mammawilson · 18/10/2020 21:02

Unfortunately the process is already in motion but it's something I'm looking into

OP posts: