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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the whole family I exist

200 replies

Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 18:44

Long story.
Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived.

Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it.
For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name.
I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me.
Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family?
I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them.
But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad?
I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret.
Any help would be lovely

OP posts:
cherrybun01 · 17/10/2020 20:07

are*

blueberrypie0112 · 17/10/2020 20:08

@Mammawilson

My mum is supportive of it, sadly my life growing up was not easy though due to various issues with my mum. Thankfully it is because of these issues growing up that I have done quite well in my life.
My mom also have some issues. But before us, she was date rape by her ex fiancé, I don’t think she ever cope, everything, giving up her child and all. That’s why I asked. I want to make sure she is ok by it.
Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 20:08

He wasn't abusive, he was just a sort of one night stand.
My plan is to contact his sister, another cousin of theres is aware I was looking for the family, i will ask questions that I have about the family time make sure it is them first.

The cousin that popped up on ancestry doesn't have any contact with that side of the family so doesn't have information on the family history.

OP posts:
bethany39 · 17/10/2020 20:10

I think you probably have quite an idealised view about how this is going to go.

He may well have been with his wife when you were conceived - I'm not quite clear how you "know" that he was not? Your siblings may well resent you for the damage knowing about you will cause to their parents marriage. His siblings may well fall out with him about it too even if they are pleasant to you.

Yes, he "deserves" that, but what do you get from causing that pain? It's unlikely to lead to you playing happy families with him. Gently, do you think you might be seeking this "new family" in part because of your unhappy childhood? I would worry that repeated rejection by your bio dad is actually going to hurt you more.

Enko · 17/10/2020 20:10

OP there are charities that can make the contact for you. Might be the better way around it as that way it can be a bit more removed for your father and he might respond. This way you will know

TidyOmlette · 17/10/2020 20:11

I wonder how many people telling the OP to stay away or not get involved have ever been in this situation personally?

1Morewineplease · 17/10/2020 20:13

You are not being unreasonable to want to find out but if your messages are being ignored then you have to respect that.
You are not owed anything from them if they have chosen to ignore you.

I have been in a similar situation.
It's very hard but you can't force their hand.

cherrybun01 · 17/10/2020 20:13

OP I'm really asking you to ignore those telling you not to. you will always ask what if, those feelings will never go away because you will always want to know

Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 20:13

The funny thing is from what I can tell is that he has been a brilliant dad to his other children, one of his children has open popular accounts on social media so i have had a peek, from what I can see he has been a good dad, again that doesn't necessarily make me annoyed, I'm happier that others haven't had to experience what I have been but I am still very sure that I deserve to be acknowledged whether he wants a relationship or not is not my issue.

OP posts:
myhousekey · 17/10/2020 20:16

What did your messages to him say, @Mammawilson ?

Elizaaa · 17/10/2020 20:18

Long story. Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived. Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it. For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name. I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo. Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me. Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family? I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them. But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad? I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret. Any help would be lovely

I think it's obvious he doesn't want a relationship.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 20:20

I think asking if I am trying to find a 'new family' because if my unhappy childhood is a bit patronising, I'm really very aware that i have a high chance of being rejected by them all but unless i go forward how would i know? My childhood wasn't great but it made me more successful which I probably don't need to get into. My life is secure and good and now I have found a piece of a puzzle.
I'm also aware I'm not 'owed' anything but again if people are not aware that I even exist then how will I know how they react

OP posts:
hitchhikingghost · 17/10/2020 20:20

Why would op leave him alone? The man was happy enough to make a baby, and has had no responsibility whatsoever so far. Time to catch up and provide the answers op needs. And there is also heritage - it’s a birth right.

Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 20:22

The messages just asked if he knew my mum and a friend of his, then telling him that I believe we were related. I think his silence was a clear message to me so I'm under no illusion that he probably doesn't want anything to do with me but my point remains that other members if his family might (obviously they might not) and even if there is a small chance they might then I feel it's worth it

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 20:23

Eliza, have you read the thread?

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 17/10/2020 20:26

Hi Op I was in the similar kind of situation to yours,before a long time I am adopted,brought up in children's home in Birmingham, my Advice is its only natural to want to find our your family heritage,i totally get mixed feelings an confusion an feeling emotionally adrift at sea with not sold Anchor feeling,(My Advice is to go through social services channel and Barnadoes charity and also contact Norcap organization too, that help to prepare Adopted Adults / people emotionally to the emotional high an lows of meeting family members such as not having unrealistic expections such as seeing stuff through rose tinted glasses of wanting idealised version of family connected,an also been aware of finding poss family skeltons etc, Be open minded Tread carefully even if your natural father does not know ,there could be other members who would appreciate opportunity to know,even if they don't,you will still discover more about your family heritage through social services and Barnadoes And NoRCAp organisation if its still the name of this may be different,(my natural father didn't want to know me,but the rest of my family Gran brothers and sisters Aunties and uncles did want to see me and know me,( Be level headed ,Don't get your hopes up too much,Rember the saying nothing ventured Nothing Gained,(other people on mumsnet thread here who,have said impliedimplied you are looking for some kind of revenage for being abandoned, Are talking nonsense,Bullshit saying stupid stuff like that,(They are clue less ! And are just projecting their own human imperfections on to you, ! Dont get bogged down with their slant on stufff ok,you don't sound come across as that type of person at all I think you are lovely person,who is desperate to feel like they belong somewheresomewhere, Dosesn't everybody feel a need to feel connected,Just be careful,Look after yourself Rember you already have children of your own,See it as bonus if you discover even one member of family interested to meet you,let me know how you get on with this,(Go for it you only live once, better to find out than life full of regrets,just be mindful to do the right through right channels,so you are not on your own, doing this Best of Luck

Lovemusic33 · 17/10/2020 20:27

He might not want contact with you but his children might, they are adults so they can decide, I would contact them.

timetest · 17/10/2020 20:30

I think an adult who was dismissed by her father in this way has a right to pursue a meeting with him and his family if only to get some closure.

thosetalesofunexpected · 17/10/2020 20:31

Hi op let me know how you get on,I have been through it myself,I know exactly what its like, don't let others mumsnet posters put you off ok,(

Beautiful3 · 17/10/2020 20:31

If his children are in their thirties, then yes I'd message them and see if they wanted to meet up. Lifes too short. Try it and see.

MJMG2015 · 17/10/2020 20:42

You have every right to contact whoever the hell you want to.

You don't have to keep his secret.

Even if he was cheating, that's on him, not you.

DuckonaBike · 17/10/2020 20:48

You have every right to contact them if you want to. They of course don’t have to see or acknowledge you; that’s up to them. So I think your main concern should be how you will cope if things don’t work out. Might it be worth talking to a counsellor, or a relevant charity (a PP suggested some) first?

Icantrememebrtheartist · 17/10/2020 20:52

Oh OP you’re not in limbo. He has given his answer by not replying to you.

I think you need to spend some time considering why you want to contact if it isn’t for a relationship with him. You say you want recognition but would you feel any happier if he acknowledged your existence and then said he wants nothing to do with you?

My DH was in a similar ish situation. His parents were married and he was planned (only child), he was born and 9 months later his dad left for another woman and he hadnt seen or heard from him since. 39 years later DH became a dad and it threw up a lot of emotions for him. He found his dads brother on fb and messaged him. Long story short his dads brother (his uncle) was thrilled and DH and uncle chatted and then met up. His uncle filled him in but sadly DH learned that his dad had remarried, had two sons, his new family had never been told of DH”s existence. His uncle had told DH”s dad about the meeting but his dad didn’t want to meet him, speak to him, and asked his uncle not to pursue it. And there is was left. DH has never heard from his uncle again and he hasn’t contacted him.

Think carefully about why you want to tell his extended family. I think you might be hoping they will welcome you but be prepared for them not to.

Pringlemonster · 17/10/2020 20:56

I’m sorry
I actually understand ,I have no family for the same reason.
I didn’t contact his family ,as I didn’t want more rejection
I hope you find some peace xx

Staffy1 · 17/10/2020 21:03

I don't agree with those saying don't contact HIS family and it wouldn't be fair on HIS family. They are the OP's family as well. Is it fair on them to lose out on knowing a half sibling/relative? Is it fair on the OP? The decision should not just be her father's on behalf of the whole family.