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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the whole family I exist

200 replies

Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 18:44

Long story.
Mum claims she doesn't know who my dad is, only a few details, including age, star sign (yes really) first name and area he lived.

Recently on ancestrydna a cousin pops up, no relation on my mums side, asked some questions and find a cousin of hers has the same name and details as my bio dad, found him on facebook, sent him a message along with a friend request, he deletes the friend request and doesn't reply to the message, I then message him on another app where I know for sure he will get the message, again he ignores it.
For a side note, according to my mum he is aware of my existance and that I am female but not my name.
I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

Anyway, so he is part of a large family including 2 children who are a few years younger then me.
Would I be so bad to contact the rest of his family?
I don't want to contact his children, that would be either a last resort or no resort at all as they are completely innocent in this and I don't want to hurt them.
But to contact maybe his siblings?? Would that be to bad?
I have no interest in a relationship with him if he doesn't want it but I feel I deserve to not be hidden away like some dirty little secret.
Any help would be lovely

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammawilson · 17/10/2020 19:22

I really don't understand people who say "he's trying to stay out of family drama", I mean he did create this dram didnt he? If my partner had a child pop up looking for him I would be horrified if he chose to walk away or ignore them. Also people saying it's not my right? Surely it is my right to not be hidden from potential family?
I wasn't from an affair, I don't want revenge i just want to to be recognised as existing.

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 19:24

I am aware I am bordering on getting obsessed but a simple acknowledgment of "sorry I don't want to know" would have been better then living in limbo.

The no reply is a rejection. You are not in limbo.
Sorry this happened, but don't contact the rest.

MuserOwl · 17/10/2020 19:25

@Mammawilson just press pause on your plan
Can you give him time to work through panic, fear, relief, regret, curiosity.....

MuserOwl · 17/10/2020 19:25

Just give him 6 months to digest this.

MuserOwl · 17/10/2020 19:27

Ps you do deserve better of course you do.

PatriciaPerch · 17/10/2020 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onadifferentuniverse · 17/10/2020 19:28

We all deal with situations differently though op and you really don’t know what he or any of the other family members are going through at the moment and what negative affect your existence could cast on them.

He has made it clear he isn’t interested, I think you should respect this for now.

Martamaybe · 17/10/2020 19:30

I am surprise the voting is currently saying you are unreasonable. You should not feel like you are a secret to be hidden away . Do take care though and I hope you have good support systems in place for you.

Staffy1 · 17/10/2020 19:30

I don't see why you shouldn't try and contact his siblings, or even his children. They are old enough to get over any shock and I can't see how it would blow anyone's life apart. Good luck Flowers

Halliehallie9828 · 17/10/2020 19:31

@Onadifferentuniverse

We all deal with situations differently though op and you really don’t know what he or any of the other family members are going through at the moment and what negative affect your existence could cast on them.

He has made it clear he isn’t interested, I think you should respect this for now.

I agree with this. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want contact. Leave him and his family alone.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/10/2020 19:31

I think some of us voted as YABU to think about contacting others, rather than YABU to feel the way you do. Because the latter isn't unreasonable. It's OP's feelings.

Onadifferentuniverse · 17/10/2020 19:31

That’s all presuming everyone is of clear mind and healthy @Staffy1

christinarossetti19 · 17/10/2020 19:32

Mammawilson I completely agree with you, being in a not dissimilar situation myself.

You have done nothing wrong. He's the one that has created this situation but you're the one having to live with it and try to make some sort of sense of it.

I would say yes contact his siblings. Even if his children if you really feel that you need to. You have as much right as anyone else to information that exists (if any) about health conditions in your biological family, and as much right as anyone else to contact who you want to (and for them to decline contact of course).

But what I would also suggest is that you get come counselling/therapy for yourself. You can't make your father act in a particular way, but you can get support for the effect his behaviour has had and continues to have on you.

In short, the person who needs to acknowledge your existence, as you are and what you've been through, the most is you.

Leaannb · 17/10/2020 19:32

Going to go against the grain here but you did receive a response and you are not in limbo. You are just circumventing his wishes

SleepingStandingUp · 17/10/2020 19:32

I think your siblings have a right to know about you

Blondiney · 17/10/2020 19:33

Leave it, don't give him another chance to reject you. His loss.

Ohalrightthen · 17/10/2020 19:34

What will you do if they turn around and block you too? Or if they go to your dad and he says you're full of shit?

You run the risk of getting smacked down really hard. If you're not desperately missing these people from your life I'd tske your dad's behaviour as an interesting data point and leave well alone.

christinarossetti19 · 17/10/2020 19:34

@PatriciaPerch

oh god don't do this My bio dad has loads of kids I know about, some I don't presumably SOMEONE from some child and family agency keeps contacting me via skype saying, please add me, we'll show you the conversations etc, just out of the blue. IT has really unnerved me. Please don't do this, please don't just force yourself on people, try to be diplomatic. I understand all the other shit that goes with this, believe me I do but forcing yourself into peoples lives isn't on and it just wont work out well
I don't think that OP is talking about forcing herself into peoples lives though, is she?

She's spoken about considering making contact.

I agree with you that keeping contacting someone who a. doesn't want to be contacted b. wasn't responsible for your situation is out of order though.

conduitoffortune · 17/10/2020 19:34

He is trying to stay out of family drama, leave him alone. He already made it clear to yo

@blueberrypie0112 - what a fucking horrible thing to say, how dare you?

OP, I'm sorry that your birth father has been so cruel. If you want to get to know your siblings, you should. If that causes any upset for any party, well your birth father has to own that. You have done nothing wrong, and would be doing nothing wrong by trying to have a relationship with your biological family. If I had a sibling who I was unaware of and they got in touch with me, regardless of the circumstances I would 100% want to get to know them. Good luck.

cheesetoastiewithham · 17/10/2020 19:35

I wouldn't. I don't know my father. He knows about me. My mother chose to have me he didn't. "a woman's body a woman's choice" and all that. They both made their choices.
I've chosen not to try and insert myself into his family, it wouldn't be fair on them.
You've already tried to contact him. As they say, actions speak louder than words. He's deleted your friend request and ignored your attempts to contact him.
You tried. I'd now leave well alone. You may be family by blood but you dont know how their family works. I wouldn't try and just appear after all these years no matter what the reason. It's unfair to others.
It may go amazingly well. It could also blow a family apart.
I personally chose to stay away. I don't want to be the cause of a family break down and I certainly didn't want to face further rejection. I've just got on with my life instead.

christinarossetti19 · 17/10/2020 19:38

cheesetoastiewithham how could OP possibly 'be the cause of a family break down'?

How is she responsible for other peoples actions and relationships?

Staffy1 · 17/10/2020 19:38

@Onadifferentuniverse, yes, but should the OP leave it and miss out on what could be good for everyone on the vague chance that they aren't?

Owlcapone · 17/10/2020 19:38

I would say don't do it. Unless he makes contact himself, contacting his family is not on. Try to contact him again in the future but don't contact people who probably know nothing about you.

Our family had a kind of similar situation and it was not good. Slightly different in that we all knew about the child but it caused a lot of stress and bad feeling.

Rosebel · 17/10/2020 19:39

I'm sorry but bluntly he's made it obvious he doesn't want a relationship with you. You want to contact his siblings but why? Because you want a relationship with them or you want to try and connect with your dad through them?
I think you need to step aww. Slightly different but I know people who are adopted and contact their birth families and it never ends well.

YeOldeTrout · 17/10/2020 19:40

I'd have to think about it longer if I were OP, but fwiw, I had kind of similar situation ...

discovered uncle (adopted away, now age 71). What would happen if I contacted him?
If he spent his whole life ignorance about being adopted, and would be ...
...very unhappy to discover truth, then I only ruined a small part of his life
...shocked but eventually glad to learn truth, then I did him a favour

If he long knew he was adopted...
...but didn't want to know birth family, he would reject me & soon forget about me, so I would only ruin a few days of his life
...and really wanted to know birth family, I would give him a wanted opportunity.

It just felt like the balance was more benefit than risks, so I got in touch. Sadly, neither he nor his step children wanted to know (I believe no bio children). He's probably forgotten me again now.

That's how I made the decision.
I'd enormously want to know if I had missing siblings, btw. My dad was glad I told him about his lost sibling even if uncle didn't want to know us.