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AIBU?

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Original poster

to go out of way not to say happy birthday

201 replies

Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:24

Dear god, I hope the title makes sense. I have moaned about this friend before so I guess I deserve this but..

My birthday was last week. My close friends (who is also my colleague) sons birthday is the next day and each year we have a discussion on how we will each celebrate our birthday - so she knows the exact date of my birthday.

Me her and he DS who is aged 8 was talking about our birthdays the evening before my birthday. I wanted to bake a sugarfree cake so that DS can join us in eating the cake so I posted stories about how I made it the night before. Went to work in morning and everyone said happy birthday. Friend was sat there and comletely ignored this. Came home and started to decorate my birthday cake and added stories of the process which she viewed each one. Still no happy birthdays. Eventually I added the final result of cake and she commented with 'claps' which I replied Happy birthday to me and she replied with yes happy birthday.

Now this isn't a simple matter of not saying happy birthday this is basically going out of your way to not say happy birthday to a close friend!
I have to say she is a pretty good friend, always helping out and we do have our good times at work and outside but we have had issues of jealousy before which she admitted to once.

Am I being unreasonable to let this annoy me?

OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 17/10/2020 12:26

YANBU but I’m confused. Was she sitting there in your house or via video call?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/10/2020 12:28

Not knowing her it's hard to say. Is she the type to deliberately not say Happy Birthday for some petty reason? Or might she have simply thought she was joining in by doing the clapping hands and hanging around?

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:28

The night before my birthday we were out together at a restaurant talking about my birthday and her sons birthday.

I posted stories of my cake on WhatsApp (starting from the night before up until my birthday evening) which she viewed.

And on the day of my birthday I was at work when everyone said happy birthday and she sat there completely ignoring it.

The comment on happy birthday to me happened on my birthday evening on whatsapp chat :)

OP posts:
zigaziga · 17/10/2020 12:28

Was she sitting there in your house or via video call?
I’m assuming instastory?

So did you or are you going round to share the cake with them? I’m a bit confused.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/10/2020 12:31

To be honest I can imagine not getting that involved with lots of updates on cake making but I probably would have made sure to say happy birthday or give you a card.

throwaway100000 · 17/10/2020 12:31

That’s weird. Maybe she thought she already said it? Did she sign your birthday card or chip in to your gift - maybe she though she didn’t need to say it twice.

If not, she does sound like a petty person

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 17/10/2020 12:31

I would assume she'd thought she'd already wished you a happy birthday tbh.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:32

@IMNOTSHOUTING

She does have these small petty things she does. If someone is sat complimenting me she will start talking very loud as if she doesn't want to hear it. If we compliment other people at work she always has something mean to say 'oh her nose is big' 'oh but she is overweight' etc

She previously admitted to me that she was the least favourite child of her parents, was raised with little attention got married to get away from her family but ended up married to someone who cared even less about her etc. She admitted this is why she has a lack of confidence etc and is negative towards others because it is all she saw from her own mother. However on lack of confidence she is forever complimenting herself.. maybe as a facade to hide how she really feels? I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:33

@throwaway100000 I moved abroad 5 years ago and here we don't have gifts or cards :) I've learnt cards is a very British thing

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 17/10/2020 12:34

I’m also confused do you work together? And how many stories did you post?

Grilledaubergines · 17/10/2020 12:35

Is it possible she purposely didn’t say it because she was rolling her eyes at all the cake updates? It does sound like you were making a big deal out of it to be honest. Perhaps she thought there was no point as you had overdone it with the birthday hints?

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:35

We work together which is how we first met 5 years ago, but since then we have become close friends (with a few other coworkers too) and see each other outside of work too.

The only reason I mentioned the stories is to make it clear that she knew it was my birthday. I don't expect her to care about my sugar-free cake as most people wont be interested

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 17/10/2020 12:36

But she did say Happy Birthday (that night), and spoke to you at length about it the night before and "clapped" at your cake post. Did you really expect her to comment on every single cake post you put up?

How old are you op? Because you're behaving like a child. Not everyone cares about your birthday as much as you do.

64sNewName · 17/10/2020 12:37

It sounds like there are two sides to it: she has a slight tendency to sulk and be petty, and you have a slightly inflated sense of entitlement to appreciation of your multi-step IG stories Grin

Neither of those things is really a huge crime imo and she did say happy birthday in the end, so I’d be inclined not to get hung up on this specific thing. You did a nice thing making the cake, you’re on the moral high ground — I mean it gently, but I’d say just move on.

64sNewName · 17/10/2020 12:39

Oh I thought you made the cake so that her DS could share it? Is that not what you meant in your second post? (There was a typo and I might have misunderstood)

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:39

@Grilledaubergines I guess so. Maybe that could be the reason. I am a teacher abroad and here most children have junk food all the time and sugar free or healthy eating isn't really important.

With DS (18 months old) we always kept it sugar free and I use WhatsApp stories to share recipes (which most parents then ask for details) - I share all my sugar free recipes via WhatsApp so it wasn't about throwing birthday hints.

(it may be strange to have parents numbers etc but I work at a private school as a 'British' english teacher (very valuable haha) and the culture here is parents and teachers always have close relationships because we keep the same students all through primary school - year 1,2,3 and 4)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:42

@Poptart4 I mentioned above that I didn't expect her to care about my cake? The part that I didn't get is not getting a simple happy birthday from my close friend. The night before birthday conversation was between me and her son who was excited for his birthday.

@64sNewName No - I made my own birthday cake sugar free so that my own DS can join and have a slice. I then added the recipe and how I made it on whatsapp stories.

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 17/10/2020 12:42

I think you’re really overthinking this. It sounds as though you’ve told the world and its granny it’s your birthday - she’s probably fed up hearing about it.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:46

@SarahBellam well. No. I shared posts about how to make a sugar free birthday cake.

But say if I did.. and assuming this was the other way around - I still would have said happy birthday to my friend (or even a stranger) if everyone else around me was saying it. What I wouldn't do is ignore it when everyone else is saying happy birthday

OP posts:
Honeybobbin · 17/10/2020 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

64sNewName · 17/10/2020 12:47

OK. In that case, I’m afraid I’m with everyone who thinks you’re unreasonable to be so bothered about her not saying happy birthday (or rather, not saying it soon enough for your liking).

An adult’s birthday is not automatically important to anyone else, honestly — even close friends. It’s lovely if someone says something, but it is also fine if they have other stuff in their head and don’t get round to it.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:50

@Honeybobbin actually I am quite self aware lol the only reason I post sugar free recipes is because every-time I post loads of people ask me for the recipes and then make the recipe and send me pics. I defo wouldn't post anything if no-one around me was interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:52

@64sNewName I can appreciate that actually - she only said happy birthday once I made a point of it - 'happy birthday to me'

I guess I am being unreasonable if so many people think so its just I would have said happy birthday to anyone around me. I am always one who enjoys building people up - if its your birthday you get attention. If you look good you're going to get a compliment. If you get a promotion I will be there celebrating. Just find it odd when others aren't the same.

OP posts:
Florencex · 17/10/2020 12:57

It sounds like you go on and on and on about your birthday. She maybe is fed up with your endless conversations about it and doesn’t want to encourage you any further.

BathtubGin · 17/10/2020 13:00

Sorry Op but you really need to step away from SM.

Try starting with 48 hours without telling anyone anything about yourself or your child on SM. Maybe look for some professional help?

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