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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out of way not to say happy birthday

201 replies

Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:24

Dear god, I hope the title makes sense. I have moaned about this friend before so I guess I deserve this but..

My birthday was last week. My close friends (who is also my colleague) sons birthday is the next day and each year we have a discussion on how we will each celebrate our birthday - so she knows the exact date of my birthday.

Me her and he DS who is aged 8 was talking about our birthdays the evening before my birthday. I wanted to bake a sugarfree cake so that DS can join us in eating the cake so I posted stories about how I made it the night before. Went to work in morning and everyone said happy birthday. Friend was sat there and comletely ignored this. Came home and started to decorate my birthday cake and added stories of the process which she viewed each one. Still no happy birthdays. Eventually I added the final result of cake and she commented with 'claps' which I replied Happy birthday to me and she replied with yes happy birthday.

Now this isn't a simple matter of not saying happy birthday this is basically going out of your way to not say happy birthday to a close friend!
I have to say she is a pretty good friend, always helping out and we do have our good times at work and outside but we have had issues of jealousy before which she admitted to once.

Am I being unreasonable to let this annoy me?

OP posts:
Thesheerrelief · 17/10/2020 20:50

I've never said anything to her about this however when we do go out for meals with other colleagues everyone always mentions how my DS (who was baby led weaned) is eating alone and that her son is still being fed by mum. I just think if she is comfy feeding her child and her child is happy then so what.

You also sound pretty judgemental

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 20:51

@Thesheerrelief you need to read properly. I didn't say that. I said a friend said that.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 17/10/2020 20:52

Nobody cares that it's your birthday!

Thesheerrelief · 17/10/2020 20:54

[quote Mella91]@Thesheerrelief you need to read properly. I didn't say that. I said a friend said that.[/quote]
I read that (properly! But thanks for the snideness Grin) Why are you discussing her like that with someone else though? If she's a close friend then you don't bitch about her or let anyone else do it either.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 20:58

@Thesheerrelief we are a group of colleagues who also go out together and are quite close. Most of the people in our group are starting to get irritated with her not being happy for their success and so talk about it with one another.

You never have problems with a friend which you discuss with another friend? You know you do so get off your high horse.

OP posts:
DolphinsAndNemesis · 17/10/2020 21:02

[quote Mella91]@DolphinsAndNemesis Yes I think our difference in cultures is an issue with other problems we have too.

@Leaannb yes, I saw him and gave him his gift.[/quote]
I thought it sounded as though cultural factors might be involved. For instance, in the example you gave in which she called you fat, that would be considered extremely rude in the UK but can be entirely unremarkable elsewhere. I don't know whether that's the case in her culture, of course, since I have no idea where you currently live, but it is quite typical in some places.

As a veteran of the culture wars, I understand how complicated such things can be. My husband and I are from different countries. Although we speak each other's languages fluently and have lived in both countries, we still sometimes encounter areas of misunderstanding. It has certainly heightened my awareness of how much of communication is bound by cultural norms (including what is considered rude vs. polite). Things I once thought of as human nature turned out to be entirely culturally determined.

Thesheerrelief · 17/10/2020 21:06

[quote Mella91]@Thesheerrelief we are a group of colleagues who also go out together and are quite close. Most of the people in our group are starting to get irritated with her not being happy for their success and so talk about it with one another.

You never have problems with a friend which you discuss with another friend? You know you do so get off your high horse.[/quote]
You don't sound like a particularly nice person or a good friend, based on your description of your friend and your replies to people here. Maybe I'm lucky with my group of friends but we don't bitch about each other. You asked if you're being unreasonable but you're coming across as hostile to people who don't agree with you. Not sure why you posted.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 21:07

@DolphinsAndNemesis yes I completely agree with you because I have had issues with what I consider normal being offensive to them and vice versa. However in the instance of her calling me fat - I was walking through the corridor and heard her say 'no she is still overweight' mentioning my name. I confronted her straight away to which she and friend admitted that the friend complimented that I looked good considering I just gave birth and she said no she is still overweight. She admitted to me that she was upset and realised how offensive her words where. That was the day she admitted to me about the lack of attention she received growing up and that she is always negative towards people because that was all her mum ever did (criticise everything about her and others) and that is all she knew.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 17/10/2020 21:07

You never have problems with a friend which you discuss with another friend? You know you do so get off your high horse.

But she’s explicitly told you what her issues are and where they stem from, so why kick her when she’s down? Why not just think ‘ah, she told me she has issues, never mind’, why see it as an excuse to have a pop at her?

Malachite234 · 17/10/2020 21:09

YABU for making a sugar free birthday cake! If you can’t have sugar on your birthday then life would be pretty joyless!

FGS it’s just a birthday, who cares. Absolute cringe that you sent and happy birthday to me! So passive aggressive

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 21:11

@Thesheerrelief ha! I don't sound nice because I am not putting up with your rubbish. I don't think so.

I am always open to criticism which I have replied to nicely on most of my posts admitting that yes maybe I am being unreasonable, yes maybe she did think she said happy birthday etc. But that is with people who have criticised without being rude or hateful.

When it comes to 'criticism' from miserable people (I can see you there) then no I am not particularly nice to online bullies at all. I hate to think what a person must go through in life to be horrible and snarky.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 17/10/2020 21:13

Maybe they didn’t get enough sugar as children?

Many people don’t consider birthdays a big deal.
Maybe she’s fed up with the sugar free cake posts?

You’re not really friends are you though? Certainly not “close”. Time to move on.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 21:14

I am ending replying to this thread.

I guess I may be unreasonable with expecting her to say happy birthday - I will continue saying happy birthday to everyone around me on their birthdays.

Thank you to everyone for your replies! I have decided that she is just not a nice person and that I shouldn't put up with it. Having no attention from parents, having a miserable job with low pay, having an unhappy marriage - none of these for me is enough to justify being a miserable person. So for now the only option is to slowly distance myself from her like most of the people around her.

Good night Smile

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 17/10/2020 21:15

Maybe they grew up in families where they were constantly criticised and as a result find it difficult to relate to people?

ulanbatorismynextstop · 17/10/2020 21:16

Sounds like she's jealous, just let her stew but stay friends with her, she obviously has issues, I wouldn't get offended, she needs to work through them herself.

Pumperthepumper · 17/10/2020 21:16

Having no attention from parents, having a miserable job with low pay, having an unhappy marriage - none of these for me is enough to justify being a miserable person.

That’s hilarious 😂 Yes, that’s really the markers of someone with no troubles at all!

Thesheerrelief · 17/10/2020 21:26

I hate to think what a person must go through in life to be horrible and snarky.

So you already know what happened in your friend's past but what happened to you to cause you to be so mean about her? And hostile to everyone who disagrees with you?

Rollmopsrule · 17/10/2020 21:37

Op you don't sound like a nice friend to me. You know her issues, they stem from real problems. Why can't you talk to her about how you feel? Give her a chance to discuss it with you before dumping her like her other friends?

diamond4u · 17/10/2020 21:42

Maybe she felt this is so childish, a grown woman discussing birthdays with a child. You said your abroad, in a lot of other countries, birthdays aren't that much of a big deal when older. She prob found it annoying constantly going on about your birthday

DolphinsAndNemesis · 17/10/2020 21:49

As I said, the weight thing was just an example. Cross-cultural relationships of any kind can be complicated, and they require understanding and flexibility on both sides.

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 17/10/2020 21:58

I think you should stop the 'our birthday' thing with your friends son. He's eight and you are a grown up.

redcarbluecar · 17/10/2020 22:24

I think yanbu but would let it go if it’s not part of a bigger picture of issues with the friendship.

DrManhattan · 18/10/2020 01:16

Omg I think I have hit peak lockdown, its 1 a.m. and I am reading all this BS about a sugar free cake thats full of sugar and a grown-up acting like a year 5. Make it stop lol

Feelingconfused2020 · 18/10/2020 01:27

Omg get over yourself. She said happy birthday once, that's more than enough. She has a DC whose birthday is near yours, that's more than enough if a reason for yours to take less of a prominent position.

If I had a friend who posted images of their birthday cake over the course of it's development and expected comment after every post I would lose that friend fairly quickly.

Feelingconfused2020 · 18/10/2020 01:29

DrManhattan you've defined it perfectly, peak lockdown, I need to.go.to.bed!