to go out of way not to say happy birthday

[Mella91]

Dear god, I hope the title makes sense. I have moaned about this friend before so I guess I deserve this but..

My birthday was last week. My close friends (who is also my colleague) sons birthday is the next day and each year we have a discussion on how we will each celebrate our birthday - so she knows the exact date of my birthday.

Me her and he DS who is aged 8 was talking about our birthdays the evening before my birthday. I wanted to bake a sugarfree cake so that DS can join us in eating the cake so I posted stories about how I made it the night before. Went to work in morning and everyone said happy birthday. Friend was sat there and comletely ignored this. Came home and started to decorate my birthday cake and added stories of the process which she viewed each one. Still no happy birthdays. Eventually I added the final result of cake and she commented with 'claps' which I replied Happy birthday to me and she replied with yes happy birthday.

Now this isn't a simple matter of not saying happy birthday this is basically going out of your way to not say happy birthday to a close friend!
I have to say she is a pretty good friend, always helping out and we do have our good times at work and outside but we have had issues of jealousy before which she admitted to once.

Am I being unreasonable to let this annoy me?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable Op. it’s very clear that she just didn’t want to say happy birthday to you, but felt she had to eventually and begrudgingly. I’d be a bit irritated by her childishness.

I’d suggest you ignore the snarky comments from some posters. There are quite a lot of people on AIBU who only post to make spiteful comments.

[quote Mella91]@Poptart4 I mentioned above that I didn't expect her to care about my cake? The part that I didn't get is not getting a simple happy birthday from my close friend. The night before birthday conversation was between me and her son who was excited for his birthday.

@64sNewName No - I made my own birthday cake sugar free so that my own DS can join and have a slice. I then added the recipe and how I made it on whatsapp stories.[/quote]
I'd be leaving a WhatsApp group if it was full of crap like that tbh, you sound very needy and attention seeking.

I was quite confused too but the upshot is I think you’re expecting people to behave exactly as you like to behave and being disappointed when others have different norms. Setting expectations like this is very likely to lead to disappointment.

@Florencex that is quite assuming of you though?

I baked a cake which I gave out the recipe to (I didn't even say here that I mentioned it was my birthday on the posts )

I mentioned before that we do a birthday talk before my birthdays which is for her year old son not me lol. He talks about what presents he wants what cake he wants etc and is more excited because its 'auntie Mells birthday the day before'

I can appreciate being told that I am being unreasonable or that she may have forgotten or has more important things in her life - yes that could be the case but to assume I go on and on about my birthday ... hmmm

Sugar free cake sounds like am abomination. Yabu for that alone.

“Just find it odd when others aren’t the same”

You think anyone not like you is odd?

Because tbh, if it’s true (as opposed to a slightly passive-aggressive way of congratulating yourself for being thoughtful), that is a bit odd. Certainly it’s misguided, and likely to lead you into conflict/damage your friendships.

You could try working on your understanding of how others might actually feel, how different their perspectives on things like this might be from your own — and how completely valid that is.

Jesus. Grow up. Are you 8 as well?

Considering she's supposed to be your friend, I think she was bloody rude not to wish you a Happy Birthday! She doesn't have to comment on your cake etc (and maybe you did update too much on something that wasn't of interest to her etc) but who doesn't say Happy Birthday to a friend?

Adult Birthdays (unless big ones) aren't really seen as a big deal by other adults even friends... it wouldn't have hurt her to say happy birthday though but maybe she felt she had already acknowledged it.

If she is s good friend I-d forget it. I don't think it's on purpose.

Is it possible that on your new homeland it’s not common for adults to make a big thing about their birthday? I think it just be a British thing (and not every British person does thus) for adults to have birthday cakes and make a big fuss for their birthday. I’m happy with a card from my mum and some flowers from my husband. I get a day older every single day. I don’t really get why adults need to celebrate birthdays with cakes and social media posts.

@BathtubGin You clever girl. because I did say before that I share everything about my child on SM. - I share RECIPES. and yes I will continue sharing them and if you want some recipes you can get in touch. I'll be more than happy to help you out :)

@wineandroses1 Exactly that.. there just isn't any reason to not say happy birthday. I do notice those spiteful ones, lord knows how miserable they must be.

@Chewbecca I do think this is the main issue. I try to do what is good always and it does get disappointing to have others not be the same. My other close friends in UK didn't say happy birthday - I didn't care one bit. I wouldn't expect people to remember. But like I said above this is a case of her going out of her way to not say happy birthday which is odd

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think people are misunderstanding. These aren't continuous messages of a cake being sent to the friend, they are posted on OPs story meaning they weren't directly to friend, she could just see them if she was interested. She clearly was or she wouldn't have chosen to view it. I think either she has gone out of her way to avoid saying it because she's annoyed (for whatever reason) or she thought she had already said it earlier on. Otherwise it's just very odd and I'd pull a friend up on it if they treated me like that. No, not everyone cares about your birthday but a close friend should.

But it is your opinion of what is good and we all have different views about that.

@BritWifeinUSA 100%. Here birthdays for adults is completely odd, for me I don't make a big deal of my birthday too. Its usually home with family, cake and a glass of wine. As for the social media posts I didnt mention my birthday it was just posts (lots of posts to be fair) of how I made and decorated a sugar free cake that can be enjoyed by babies.

The main reason I don't mention my birthday on SM is because the parents of our school LOVE proving themselves by sending over the top lavish gifts to the teachers which I always found .. not nice and not right.

However my friend knew it was my birthday cake because my birthday is a day before her DS birthday

You both sound like hard work!!

@MummytoCSJH

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think people are misunderstanding. These aren't continuous messages of a cake being sent to the friend, they are posted on OPs story meaning they weren't directly to friend, she could just see them if she was interested. She clearly was or she wouldn't have chosen to view it. I think either she has gone out of her way to avoid saying it because she's annoyed (for whatever reason) or she thought she had already said it earlier on. Otherwise it's just very odd and I'd pull a friend up on it if they treated me like that. No, not everyone cares about your birthday but a close friend should.

Exactly this. Anyone who isn't interested have the choice to not view them. I do notice its always the mothers of my students, coworkers friends and family who view my stories. The fathers of my students rarely view as the posts clearly do not interest them (where I live usually the men are the breadwinners and women are homemakers)

It defo could be the case that she thought she wished me a happy birthday.

It doesn't in my mind matter if you saw someone the day before their birthday you would still say happy birthday on the actual day, especially if you ate working with them and they are literally in front of you. So I do not think yabu. She sounds like quite a jealous, entitled person and tbh I would keep my distance as this type of pettiness is annoying.

You are being unreasonable about making a sugar free cake for an 18 month old, honestly how much cake would your child actually eat that it needs to be sugar free? Sweet treats on their parents birthday won't kill them or lead to lifelong weight issues

You are coming across as a birthday bore. You are trying to share the limelight with a child. Adult birthdays are not the same so I think it's time now to grow up a little bit and not be so demanding.

@Blueuggboots

You both sound like hard work!!

@Blueuggboots This made me laugh thank you :)

Yes she's gone out of her way. But....be a grown woman and move on. It's not worth calling out over. If there are more slights to come and they start adding up, quietly distance yourself from being emotionally involved with her.

But you’re complaining about your friend on social media over something pretty minor. And, as you say yourself in your OP, it’s not the first time.

How can that fit with your self-image as someone who tries to do “what is good” and is disappointed in others who don’t live up to your goodness?

Maybe your friend had a bad day; maybe her plans for her young son’s birthday were weighing on her mind, especially given the world we currently live in? Maybe the expectation for her to brightly switch her focus to your birthday first thing on that day was just a little bit much.

Falling

@Sceptre86 actually DS has started to have the odd bit of sugar. He actually munched on an oreo today after his lunch. The first year and a bit I made sure it was zero sugar but the past 2/3 months he does have very tiny bits of junk here and there.

I think the cake making was a small experiment as I grew bored from the typical sugar free cookies, muffins donuts etc. However it turned up amazing and I think I might just be making more cakes...

*are
Hope you had a nice birthday despite her strange behaviour.