Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out of way not to say happy birthday

201 replies

Mella91 · 17/10/2020 12:24

Dear god, I hope the title makes sense. I have moaned about this friend before so I guess I deserve this but..

My birthday was last week. My close friends (who is also my colleague) sons birthday is the next day and each year we have a discussion on how we will each celebrate our birthday - so she knows the exact date of my birthday.

Me her and he DS who is aged 8 was talking about our birthdays the evening before my birthday. I wanted to bake a sugarfree cake so that DS can join us in eating the cake so I posted stories about how I made it the night before. Went to work in morning and everyone said happy birthday. Friend was sat there and comletely ignored this. Came home and started to decorate my birthday cake and added stories of the process which she viewed each one. Still no happy birthdays. Eventually I added the final result of cake and she commented with 'claps' which I replied Happy birthday to me and she replied with yes happy birthday.

Now this isn't a simple matter of not saying happy birthday this is basically going out of your way to not say happy birthday to a close friend!
I have to say she is a pretty good friend, always helping out and we do have our good times at work and outside but we have had issues of jealousy before which she admitted to once.

Am I being unreasonable to let this annoy me?

OP posts:
DollyDoneMore · 17/10/2020 17:24

She did say Happy Birthday.

knittingaddict · 17/10/2020 18:12

Are you winding us up op?

UncleFoster · 17/10/2020 18:23

So baaically OP you posted endless stories of you making a normal fucking cake?

Golden caster sugar is unrefined. Coconut sugar is just sugar, theres no health benefit to using coconut sugar over normal golden caster. Plus you added additional sugar in the form of date paste. Your cake is just a cake with extra sugar. No one gives a fuck about your cake stop posting stories about it. They probably ask because they are expecting it to be actually sugar free

Your friend probably just forgot on the day and thought she had done, she probably didnt watch the stories and posted a clapping emoji to be polite

Harehedge · 17/10/2020 19:03

I would stop with all the posting. Who has time to view endless pictures of updates of a cake being made? It does seem a bit attention seeking. As for the passive aggressive "Happy birthday to me".... I would not have space for a friend like this, as lovely as you sound.

DolphinsAndNemesis · 17/10/2020 19:16

I wonder whether a cultural difference is at the root of the issue. It may go deeper than the traditions surrounding birthdays. For instance, the conflict may be related to higher-context vs. lower-context cultures. Expectations and assumptions are so often culturally bound to a degree that we may be entirely unaware of.

Leaannb · 17/10/2020 19:21

[quote Mella91]@IMNOTSHOUTING

She does have these small petty things she does. If someone is sat complimenting me she will start talking very loud as if she doesn't want to hear it. If we compliment other people at work she always has something mean to say 'oh her nose is big' 'oh but she is overweight' etc

She previously admitted to me that she was the least favourite child of her parents, was raised with little attention got married to get away from her family but ended up married to someone who cared even less about her etc. She admitted this is why she has a lack of confidence etc and is negative towards others because it is all she saw from her own mother. However on lack of confidence she is forever complimenting herself.. maybe as a facade to hide how she really feels? I don't know.[/quote]
Did you wish her son a happy birthday?

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 19:24

@UncleFoster nope. I made a refined sugar free cake that LOADS of people who views cared about and asked about. I posted stories of step by step ingredients and measurement. And considering most of my contacts watched them - they clearly care. I mute most peoples stories that do not interest me.

And even if it is a normal cake what harm is there? You're getting triggered over nothing. What difference is it to someone else posting stories of their day out? Their children? Their holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 19:26

@DolphinsAndNemesis Yes I think our difference in cultures is an issue with other problems we have too.

@Leaannb yes, I saw him and gave him his gift.

OP posts:
Grendalsmum · 17/10/2020 19:30

DP keeps bees - raw honey is basically syrup, it has loads of sugar and will rot your teeth just as fast as anything else ... Sorry! Grin

CeeceeBloomingdale · 17/10/2020 19:32

Maybe she felt inadequate she hadn't made her son a cake and your performance parenting on social media reinforced that. You do seem rather hung up on a non-issue.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 19:35

@Grendalsmum You're assuming the reason we don't have white sugar is because it rots our teeth. I never mentioned I care about that part.

Refined sugar has empty calories with no nutritious benefits. Unrefined sugar may have same calories (which doesn't matter as DS is at a healthy weight), they may rot teeth the same but they are better and have much more nutrition then normal refined sugar.

Instead of buying him a muffin from the bakery I make (and will continue making) my own refined sugar free muffins at home.

OP posts:
GenevaL · 17/10/2020 19:38

Did she think you were attention seeking because you kept posting on social media about your cake and birthday? Many adults celebrate their birthdays quietly without taking photos of presents / cake / meals etc and putting them on social media. Maybe it rubbed her up the wrong way and she didn’t want to indulge it. Just being honest - this is AIBU after all. I don’t think adults need fussing over on their birthdays so maybe she found it needy.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 19:39

@CeeceeBloomingdale that could be the issue as she is always being judged for her parenting (still spoon feeds her DS - which is what our colleagues all tell her not to) and is defensive about it when people judge her.

I've never said anything to her about this however when we do go out for meals with other colleagues everyone always mentions how my DS (who was baby led weaned) is eating alone and that her son is still being fed by mum. I just think if she is comfy feeding her child and her child is happy then so what.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 19:41

@GenevaL I appreciate your honestly but they weren't 'its my birthday cake' posts. It was just a recipe of a birthday cake as I didn't want the parents (who all have my number and follow my stories) to know it was my birthday. We did however speak about my birthday and her sons birthday the day before with her son and maybe she found that part attention seeking? Could be.

OP posts:
GenevaL · 17/10/2020 19:43

I think she sounds a bit mean tbh. I can’t think of any reason she’d deliberately avoid wishing you happy birthday except for her thinking you’d had enough attention and she didn’t want to give you any more. Maybe it’s because she’s not an adult-birthday kind of person, maybe it’s because nobody gives her that fuss.

UncleFoster · 17/10/2020 19:45

Im not getting triggered OP.

But it is a normal cake. You just used a cake recipe with coconut sugar. As I said normal golden caster sugar in unrefined. Its really nothing revolutionary, unrefined sugar is really common. And its still sugar at the end of the day, it really doesnt change much.

MidnightFlit · 17/10/2020 19:46

I wish the word 'journey' could go back to meaning a literal trip on the bus/train/horse.

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 19:50

@GenevaL yes.. I think the main reason is no one fusses over her. She always mentions she feels she doesn't fit in at work, her family ignore her, her husband ignores her and her in laws ignore her.

We had issues of her openly being jealous (eg the time she called me fat to coworkers 2 months postpartum when they complimented me) and admitting to it where I put some distance between us but each time she would come round cry tell me that she has had it rough whereas I have always been privileged etc.

I think its time I really evaluate our friendship

OP posts:
Rollmopsrule · 17/10/2020 19:53

What's the point of a sugar free birthday cake? Surely its a one off treat. Its hardly going to be that harmful. ~ misses point entirely~

Original poster
Mella91 · 17/10/2020 19:55

@Rollmopsrule I mentioned it was to challenge myself as I have been cooking refined sugar free treats for ages. A refined sugar free birthday cake was something I wanted to try which I enjoyed and will probably always make now.

OP posts:
nighttrains · 17/10/2020 20:01

@MidnightFlit

I wish the word 'journey' could go back to meaning a literal trip on the bus/train/horse.
Me too. I feel inclined to use it as intended for the OP - 'On your bike' springs to mind.
UncleFoster · 17/10/2020 20:06

But its not really a challenge? You just used one sugar in place of another? Its hardly making it any healthier, its not something thats difficult to do or any kind of special recipe?

UncleFoster · 17/10/2020 20:07

It doesnt really sound like your close friends OP tbh

kutess · 17/10/2020 20:10

I wish the word 'journey' could go back to meaning a literal trip on the bus/train/horse.

It's 2020 and we aren't travelling anywhere. I'd take what I can get!

Thesheerrelief · 17/10/2020 20:48

She sounds petty ignoring your birthday. You sound OTT and also petty talking to other people about her (saying she'll be there to cheer you up but doesn't like it if you're doing better then her). You don't sound like a great friend to be honest

Swipe left for the next trending thread