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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel conflicted that I'll be a homeowner before 30?

208 replies

Maria53 · 16/10/2020 22:00

And it's mostly not through my own hard graft. I come from a fairly working class/lower middle class family.

I met my grandfather about 10 times in my whole lifetime - I wont get too deep into it, but he had a very hard childhood, where some very bad things happened which he ended up receiving a large pay out/compensation for. He never spent the money & was always mean with money while alive and struggled to have a proper relationship with any of us.

In the end we tried to have a relationship in the last couple of years of his life, I helped him out during his illness and I now have a large chunk of inheritance. I have just, as of today, become a homeowner using mostly this money and a portion of my own savings. I will be paying all legal fees and furnishings myself.

But I almost feel I dont deserve it? And I don't think I can mention it to my friends in any way, many of whom will struggle to own their own home for years. As I am currently single, I also worry what a future partner will think about this. AIBU?

OP posts:
BrightYellowDaffodil · 16/10/2020 22:50

Your friend is an arse.

I bought my house with significant financial contribution from my family. If an potential partner found this a problem then I don’t think they’d last very long.

Megan2018 · 16/10/2020 22:50

How odd, this is a non problem.

I bought my first house at 22/23 (23 when got keys, 22 at exchange), I saved some but a big chunk was given to me. It’s never occurred to me to be bothered by it? Grateful yes,

None if my friends, boyfriends or now DH could care less. Why would they?

Cloudybean · 16/10/2020 22:51

Meh, he evidently wanted you to have it, it was his choice, it's not about being deserving or not, but similarly no need to feel any sort of guilt; you're spending it wisely and not harming anyone else. If your friends have an issue that's their problem, over the years I have been jealous of my friends at certain points, but overidden that to feel pleased and happy for them, because I want the best for them and them to be happy. We have a house, but if any of my friends who are struggling to get on the ladder inherited some money and were able to, I'd be over the moon for them.

Ihatefish · 16/10/2020 22:52

@Maria53 it does seem that you feel guilty, let some joy come out of whatever darkness befell your grandfather. Let the joy you feel in owning your house wipe out any pain that was inflicted. Rejoice in the opportunity to do good with the money and change your life for the better

Lindtballsrock · 16/10/2020 22:54

Why would you be worried about what a hypothetical man might think? If he thought any less of you he obviously wouldn’t be right for you.
Congratulations on your new home. Relax, enjoy it and don’t rub people’s noses in it but don’t lie about it either...that would almost definitely come back to bite you on the arse.

FuckYouCorona · 16/10/2020 22:54

Stealth boast! Hmm I had my first place at 25 & my sister at 18 if it makes you feel any better?

JuliaJohnston · 16/10/2020 22:56

You worry what a man would think of it... There are no words, really 🤦‍♀️ Complete nonsense.

FOJN · 16/10/2020 22:57

Don't over think it. You could have just easily worked really hard, saved for years and still not have been able to afford to buy, it's the reality for many people today. Be grateful, I don't mean that in a sanctimonious way, I own a house without a mortgage and am grateful everyday for the security it gives me. Things we accomplish in life are not always 100% the result of our own efforts.

Congratulations and enjoy your new home.

HibiscusNell · 16/10/2020 22:59

Was the inheritance distributed evenly between all your grandfathers children and grandchildren or did you end up with a larger share because you tried to have a relationship with him during the last couple of years of his life. If you did receive more than other descendants is it possible that is why you feel guilt?

Not sure why you need to discuss your finances with anyone.

ToastyCrumpet · 16/10/2020 23:02

There will always be people who resent the good fortune of others. I think if you get any nasty comments you should change the subject straight away. If a ‘friend’ continues to be crap about it, see less of them. I’ve inherited two large chunks of money. One was completely unexpected, from a relative I hadn’t seen for many years. I think of that person kindly every day. Remember your granddad with kindness and enjoy your house. Also: make sure you don’t land yourself with a cocklodger. No need to tell a guy you own your home outright for at least the first year and if you get married, I’d talk to a solicitor about protecting your home.

RaspberryToupee · 16/10/2020 23:02

I had a friend who bought a house in a low cost area and purchased their house a few years ago for £80k. I have another friend who purchased in a high cost area and the cost of the first friend’s house was their deposit, gifted by their parents. Their property went up a lot in the short time they owned it. Both of my friends were able to buy before 30 and without a partner. We bought a fixer upper for £180k (with £30k already spent on it) and hasn’t increased in value over the 4 years we’ve owned it. We bought before 30 but neither of us would have been able to afford it without the other. Neither of my friends are rubbing my face in it that their circumstances are different to mine. I’ve had lucky breaks in different ways and in different areas to them. It’s how it works. You don’t need to be ashamed of how you purchased your house. You don’t necessarily have to broadcast it either though because that’s your personal information and you don’t need to share it.

cyclingmad · 16/10/2020 23:03

Why are you discussing your finances with other people. I never do, not even with my close friends.

Original poster
Maria53 · 16/10/2020 23:04

@HibiscusNell not exactly equal. He have most to my father and I. He gave his daughter (my aunt) very little because she was mistreating him and that is where I stepped in.

It is possible I am feeling a bit conflicted due to that.

I guess maybe I need to get over myself and put some champagne on ice??

OP posts:
nanbread · 16/10/2020 23:08

I would see it as this situation has turned something really shitty - what happened to your grandpa - into something really positive, a secure home for you. Try and see the positives.

UncleFoster · 16/10/2020 23:11

Youe grandad saved that money and decided to give it to you. Its just an inheritance, plenty of people have inheritances its really not that big of a deal.

I really doubt any man is going to give a shiny shit tbh. No one really cares how hard youve worked.

If your reallt feeling guilty yoi could always gove the money to a charity of your chosing and go back to renting

UncleFoster · 16/10/2020 23:14

Also I really dont understand what your friend was on about. Couldnt accept that kind of money from a family member? Its not like you can give it back to him

I think they were jealous. I dont think having inheritance money is something you need to hide, you dont need to tell anyone how you bought your house but equally i dont see any point in hiding an inheritance.

Proudling · 16/10/2020 23:14

[quote Maria53]@Ihatefish I think that is part of why I feel the way i do. Because so much of the money came from compensation from a bad event, i think i feel i am carrying that somehow. I know how weird that sounds but there you go.

Of course i am very happy an grateful, just feeling a bit overwhelmed about how it would be perceived. Maybe I am overthinking it.[/quote]
The way I see it.... compensation from a bad event should absolutely be used to bring happiness somewhere along the line. Or else what’s the point. The bad thing can’t be undone but someone can have happiness out of darkness.

Aside from that you don’t need to hide your home ownership. You probably need to stop hanging around with foul weather friends who’d prefer you to be less happy than them. True friends would be happy for you.

MidnightHangingTree · 16/10/2020 23:18

I bought my first house at just turned 24, two years ago, with no inheritance/help. It's not that unusual to buy a first house under 25, let alone 30. Some of my friends were also buying houses at the same time. Some were renting. Some were still living with parents. Some were at uni. Everyone's situation is different and no one else cares about what other people are doing. You're overthinking this.

Goldencurtain · 16/10/2020 23:19

How much was left?

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2020 23:23

Enjoy your home. Make your grandfather proud by looking after your home and using your inheritance wisely.

You do not need to tell your friends you own your home. Unless you want to. What your friends think is entirely up to them and doesn't reflect om you.

Andante57 · 16/10/2020 23:23

Nothing to stop you giving your inheritance away if you fell that bad about it.
Somehow I don’t think you will give it away, though.

IndiaMay · 16/10/2020 23:24

Apart from 2 of my friendship group of 13, we all bought our own homes at 24-25 with no help or inheritance. And we live in the south east where its bloody expensive. Its not a bit deal.

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2020 23:25

Agree with Ihatefish " ...it does seem that you feel guilty, let some joy come out of whatever darkness befell your grandfather. Let the joy you feel in owning your house wipe out any pain that was inflicted."

"He gave his daughter (my aunt) very little because she was mistreating him and that is where I stepped in.

It is possible I am feeling a bit conflicted due to that.

I guess maybe I need to get over myself and put some champagne on ice??"

She is lucky to get anything if she was mistreating him!

Get that champagne on ice.

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2020 23:27

Maria53 Re "I actually mentioned it to my best friend about 9 months ago she definitely had an attitude about it at first. Said she didnt personally think she would accept so much money from family (her family is much richer than mine as it happens). It made me feel bad at the time."

That was a really cruel and frankly ridiculous thing to say.

When someone gives you a gift to not accept is a bit rude, assuming that there is no other factor in place. Enjoy your home and do not discuss with her.

MiniMum97 · 16/10/2020 23:31

You are massively overthinking this.

And your friends should be pleased for you. If you can't tell them because they will somehow be resentful of you because you've been lucky on this occasion, you need new friends.

Lots of bad things happen to people all the time. Sometimes good things happen and they should be celebrated not feel like they need to be hidden.

You bought a house, you didn't win millions of pounds (in which case I would be v careful who I told!!).

People get helped out or not in different ways. You got on inheritance, others may be gifted money. some may win some, some may be lucky with big bonuses, some may marry partners with family money, some have trust funds, some may have marry a partner who is a high earner. Some people have none of these things. Stop worrying that you received an inheritance and be grateful and happy.

Any future partner will think it's great you have a house. It will put you both in a great position financially that you've bought early.