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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off two friends as won't share my baby things

389 replies

Pollypockett23 · 16/10/2020 13:22

I've upset two friends by not sharing my baby things. It's my first baby and I have bought everything brand new.

Both are pregnant and both have been pestering to borrow things. Neither have asked outright but have been hugely hinting eg. Can't try things on in maternity stores etc. I've just said you don't really get maternity clothes in store anymore, most is online anyway.

I feel really under pressure and don't want to share my things. One has recently married a millionaire - I don't know why she would want my second hand stuff?

I just want to keep everything new but feel under massive pressure. Am I being unreasonable?

One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! I did give her a bag of things - maternity clothes - and she turned her nose up at them and hasn't worn them since. They were all brand new but things I hadn't spend hundreds on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pollypockett23 · 16/10/2020 13:24

Not to drop info in - I saw friends at the weekend who asked if I was going to lend my things out. I know that one of the pregnant friends has been speaking to my other friends about it. Telling them I haven't lent anything...

OP posts:

TW2013 · 16/10/2020 13:25

Just say that you are not sure how long it will be before you will want them again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2020 13:26

They can buy their own stuff. Weird they’d expect to get anything from you. Their financial circumstances are nothing to do with you and their own responsibilities.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/10/2020 13:26

How odd. Just say you've lent to someone else or given to a charity shop.

pinkgreenblue · 16/10/2020 13:27

I happily lent my friends baby things and maternity clothes etc but I was also passed a lot of stuff myself so I didn’t spend loads. I understand if you bought it all new that you might want to keep it for Dc2? Either way, it’s your stuff and you don’t have to lend it to them although it would be kind of you. If it were the other way round and they had babies first wouldn’t you appreciate being offered a few bits?
It’s odd that you gave one friend a bag of things and she hasn’t touched them. Did you say they were for lending or that she could have them?
To be honest you don’t sound like great friends anyway, I can’t imagine begrudging any of my close friends some clothes. Especially as we lend them to each other and then pass them back again eg. I have my DD and then my friend got pregnant, so I lent her a load of maternity clothes (that I mainly bought new) and she has just sent them back again as I’m pregnant with DC2.

HollysBush · 16/10/2020 13:27

I’m a bit confused. So they’re pestering but haven’t asked to borrow? So they’re just dropping hints? They’re not being direct, but are upset because you haven’t volunteered the items?

Dizzib1 · 16/10/2020 13:27

Or just say you want to keep them incase you might want anymore kids.

sunshinesupermum · 16/10/2020 13:27

I don't understand why they should expect you to lend your things at all? It's your first baby so you will need them yourself! Are you hoping to have more than one child? If so, you will continue to need them.

goisey · 16/10/2020 13:28

Tell me you might need/want them for yourself in the near future - a second child is not an unusual concept!

flissity · 16/10/2020 13:28

Hi, what do you want to do with the baby things?
Keep for the future (baby number 2/3/4 etc!) or sell?

It’s your stuff to do with as you please! If they haven’t asked outright then continue to ignore. If they actually do ask, then just say A) I’m keeping for future. B) selling it all etc et.

Viviennemary · 16/10/2020 13:28

Cfs much. You are having another soon. Your sister is pregnant.

RonaCor · 16/10/2020 13:28

How strange. I'd ignore them. Are people lending you things? No, I thought not.

WineGummyBear · 16/10/2020 13:29

They are being grabby.

It's nice to be offered things but you are under no obligation. You might want to use it all again. Took me ages to feel ready to pass my maternity/baby stuff on. It went to the people who needed it at the time.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 16/10/2020 13:30

They’re not friends.

Cut them out, move on.

AmayaBuzzbee · 16/10/2020 13:31

Ignore hinting. If they ask directly, then just tell them you won’t be lending things as you want to keep them in their nearly new condition for the next pregnancy/baby.

OverTheRainbow88 · 16/10/2020 13:31

Why don’t you want to lend your baby stuff when it isn’t being used by your baby any more?

I’ve got a group of school friends and we share everything, my sleepyhead is on baby number 5 in our group... as is my pram. Every time I see one of their boys they are wearing something my DS has outgrown. Im currently borrowing a balance bike, loads of books, a winter coat for both boys and loads more!!!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/10/2020 13:32

They are cheeky fuckers who can buy their own stuff.
A lot of the high street shops maternity ranges are online only anyway.

Original poster

Pollypockett23 · 16/10/2020 13:32

@HollysBush

I’m a bit confused. So they’re pestering but haven’t asked to borrow? So they’re just dropping hints? They’re not being direct, but are upset because you haven’t volunteered the items?

Hinting to me massively - making me feel under pressure about financials but then talking to my other friends in the circle saying I haven't given them anything. Pestering every time I see them but not being direct.

Eg. 'Oh look at all your lovely baby things, what are you doing with the things you aren't using anymore?' 'What a shame they're just sitting ina cupboard'. And on and on and on...

I saw friends at the weekend who were like, are you going to lend 'Lucy' anything?

I explained no, as were looking to start TTC in Jan.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 16/10/2020 13:32

YANBU.

Imagine if it were your shoes. Or your handbag. That would anybody find odd and cheeky, wouldn't they. Just because it's baby and maternity goods doesn't make it any different.

Ignore any subtle hints and just say no to any openly asked requests. They're not real friends if they treat you different if you say no and good riddance if they stop speaking to you over this.

Frazzled2207 · 16/10/2020 13:32

Is a bit odd of them to drop hints. I have given lots of stuff to friends but they never ever asked and I know they’re very grateful.
Having said that in these times I think the responsible thing to do is to pass stuff on as well as get stuff passed on. This is particularly pertinent with baby and maternity stuff which has a short lifespan anyway.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 16/10/2020 13:32

That is very strange. I would never assume or ask that someone would want to give/lend me any of their things.
Just ignore all the hints. And if they ask outright just say you want to keep everything. Very odd that they feel so entitled to your possessions.

DodgeRainClouds · 16/10/2020 13:33

I only passed stuff on when I was certain I wasn’t having any more children! and even then I only felt able to pass onto my sister as I knew I could get most of it back if I needed. Bless her I still get regular text asking if I want stuff back to sell on or if she can pass on for free.

Dont feel pressured at all to pass on!

Original poster

Pollypockett23 · 16/10/2020 13:34

@pinkgreenblue

I happily lent my friends baby things and maternity clothes etc but I was also passed a lot of stuff myself so I didn’t spend loads. I understand if you bought it all new that you might want to keep it for Dc2? Either way, it’s your stuff and you don’t have to lend it to them although it would be kind of you. If it were the other way round and they had babies first wouldn’t you appreciate being offered a few bits? It’s odd that you gave one friend a bag of things and she hasn’t touched them. Did you say they were for lending or that she could have them? To be honest you don’t sound like great friends anyway, I can’t imagine begrudging any of my close friends some clothes. Especially as we lend them to each other and then pass them back again eg. I have my DD and then my friend got pregnant, so I lent her a load of maternity clothes (that I mainly bought new) and she has just sent them back again as I’m pregnant with DC2.

One is a best friend. We are close, I just don't want to lend my things. I want to keep them for our second.

Everything is washed, ironed and put away. When I'm done, I'll practically give my friends everything but rn, I want the things to be new for baby number 2.

I feel I'm being made to feel guilty for that. you never get things back the way you lent them out.

OP posts:

Tamingofthehamster · 16/10/2020 13:34

YANBU. Don’t lend stuff like that until you know you don’t need it again.

CatteStreet · 16/10/2020 13:35

@OverTheRainbow88

Why don’t you want to lend your baby stuff when it isn’t being used by your baby any more?

That's lovely... if you're happy to share (and I too always have been). OP isn't. She may have very much wanted her baby to hav new stuff and feel the same about the next one (as close to new as possible, in that case). It wasn't how I saw things, but there's no obligation on her.

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