Pissed off two friends as won't share my baby things

[Pollypockett23]

I've upset two friends by not sharing my baby things. It's my first baby and I have bought everything brand new.

Both are pregnant and both have been pestering to borrow things. Neither have asked outright but have been hugely hinting eg. Can't try things on in maternity stores etc. I've just said you don't really get maternity clothes in store anymore, most is online anyway.

I feel really under pressure and don't want to share my things. One has recently married a millionaire - I don't know why she would want my second hand stuff?

I just want to keep everything new but feel under massive pressure. Am I being unreasonable?

One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! I did give her a bag of things - maternity clothes - and she turned her nose up at them and hasn't worn them since. They were all brand new but things I hadn't spend hundreds on.

And I'm upset as now my other friends are asking why I'm not lending my stuff out.

I explained, we are going to start trying again. It upsets me that one of my best friends is making me look like a shit friend and gossiping behind my back.

I just don't understand the concept. It feels so entitled? I actually feel sick and a bit stressed about it.

Don’t lend any baby items, ever. Too high odds of being destroyed. Only pass along things you are ok with not getting back

And regardless of where you stand on sharing stuff, the friends aren't behaving well. They don't want to feel or look demanding for asking, so they are putting pressure on OP via hints and hence making her be the one with the negative feeling. Not good.

I'm with you Op, it's fine for people that lend their stuff out, but I didn't until I had had both of my children because they were mine and I didn't want to risk damage, wear and tear, being sold or lost, because it would've cost me double to buy all over again!

Just get it out in the open. Say 'I'm not lending anything out as I want it in as good condition as possible for future pregnancies/babies'

IF they're cheeky enough to say anything about being careful etc

Just say 'I've already told you I'm not lending things out, can you please drop it as I'd hate to fall out over it'

Ignore the hints. When asked outright say no. I find this really cheeky. I hate it when people act entitled.

Thanks for all your replies, I feel a bit stronger in my opinion on it now.

One friend is barely talking to me because she thinks I'm being selfish. She's married a bloody millionaire and always banging on about her cleaner, her personal trainer etc. It's not like she can't afford new.

My husbands cousin recently got pregnant and she said to me, if you've got a bag of things would you mind dropping them over? I gave away all my old maternity stuff.

Is this the norm now?! I feel like such a witch saying no... why do people even ask! I don't really like the thought of saying, we are going to be trying again but feel that's my only excuse!

It's your stuff, if you don't want to lend it, don't!
I lent friends stuff, and they didn't look after it. I lent a friend a cot, she painted it terracotta to match her nursery decor
Other stuff had been washed and washed and arrived back all mis-shapen and bobbley. I'd brought it all brand new, and was happy to help out friends, the agreement was they'd return it when I had more children.
It wasn't fit to use again, as they hadn't brought it, it was like 'easy come, easy go'
I had to buy everything again when I had my second child. I never lent again.

I just don't understand the concept. It feels so entitled? I actually feel sick and a bit stressed about it. For some it is the normal thing to do, it isn't for you so fine but I think you are making a big thing of it, just say if you weren't trying for another baby you'd lend it but as you are you want to keep your things.

@Sceptre86

Ignore the hints. When asked outright say no. I find this really cheeky. I hate it when people act entitled.

That's good to know! Maybe I need to be more direct!

Dd was 9 before passed along all her baby stuff to a much loved family member.

Until that point, I couldn’t in my heart see them go. I July wasn’t able to.

Keep your things, op, if it settles your mind and heart.

@Groovinpeanut

It's your stuff, if you don't want to lend it, don't! I lent friends stuff, and they didn't look after it. I lent a friend a cot, she painted it terracotta to match her nursery decor Other stuff had been washed and washed and arrived back all mis-shapen and bobbley. I'd brought it all brand new, and was happy to help out friends, the agreement was they'd return it when I had more children. It wasn't fit to use again, as they hadn't brought it, it was like 'easy come, easy go' I had to buy everything again when I had my second child. I never lent again.

Oh no! This is my fear!

I really look after things and I would be gutted if that happened.

I hope they didn't plan their pregnancies to coincide with the time they thought you'd no longer need what I'm assuming are fairly high end baby clothes, @Pollypockett23.

Stranger things have happened at sea.

I think they're being super weird. I always remember though...I had my baby a year after my sister had her twins. She was 44 and now with 4 kids, they'd be her last....and I asked her if I could use her moses basket stand and she said no!

I was I mean...she didn;t sell them or anything. As far as I know, she still has them in the attic! They weren't special...just metal frames.

I was very poor at the time too.

OP it's because some people clearly have so little respect for others boundaries/stuff/time etc. that they're behaving in such an entitled way it makes you doubt yourself. Even if your friend were as poor as a church mouse, she had no business to pressure you like this. She could have asked you politely once and if you said no, that should be the end of it.

Not that you should have to explain yourself, but if it's causing issues: maybe send a text.

Hi 'Friend'. I've been getting the impression that you are disappointed that I'm not handing over all my baby stuff to you and 'Friend 2'. Just to clear the air (because it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable'), I'm hanging on to it all for now because we are hoping to conceive again quite quickly and so I've washed and packed it all away for that reason. I also feel a bit sentimental about it all - first baby and all that! Once I'm 'done' with it, you are welcome to most of it. Can we please stop talking about it now! x

@Butchyrestingface

I hope they didn't plan their pregnancies to coincide with the time they thought you'd no longer need what I'm assuming are fairly high end baby clothes, *@Pollypockett23*.

Stranger things have happened at sea.

I'm not going to lie, I spent waaaaaay too much!

That is “I just wasn’t able to “.

Tell them you’ve seen the disastrous consequences of lending baby items on Mumsnet and you value your friendship far too much.

Or, when I’m feeling weak about an issue I don’t want to get into a confrontation over, I say that DH says No.

I’d start asking when your millionaire friend is going to lend you the services of her cleaner and personal trainer......

@SlightlyJaded

Not that you should have to explain yourself, but if it's causing issues: maybe send a text.

Hi 'Friend'. I've been getting the impression that you are disappointed that I'm not handing over all my baby stuff to you and 'Friend 2'. Just to clear the air (because it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable'), I'm hanging on to it all for now because we are hoping to conceive again quite quickly and so I've washed and packed it all away for that reason. I also feel a bit sentimental about it all - first baby and all that! Once I'm 'done' with it, you are welcome to most of it. Can we please stop talking about it now! x

This is a perfect text.

I'm going to send this! Thank you x

I've given or loaned precious things to family members and close friends and never got them back! So I'll never do that again! They don't sound like very good friends to me.... just ask them what the problem is?
Do you normally give them stuff? Maybe they expect too much?

Only pass along things you are ok with not getting back

This is good advice. And it sounds like you’re talking about clothes here, not high value items. Baby clothes are easily and cheaply available - if you’re on a budget, you can get perfectly serviceable stuff online or at the supermarket. But if you’re talking about expensive, special stuff that you want to keep....why would you lend it to someone else? Baby clothes more often than not get stained or washed into oblivion. Keep what you want and let your friend buy her own.

If you were talking about, say, the loan of a Bumbo chair for six months (that can be washed down and easily reused), then that might seem different - although it’s clearly your stuff and ultimately your right to keep or lend as you wish. But for clothes? I wouldn’t lend anything I hadn’t finished with either.

@Tangledtresses

I've given or loaned precious things to family members and close friends and never got them back! So I'll never do that again! They don't sound like very good friends to me.... just ask them what the problem is? Do you normally give them stuff? Maybe they expect too much?

Yes, one is quite grabby. I've known her for years and I've always just given her bits. Probs my fault.

@NataliaOsipova

Only pass along things you are ok with not getting back

This is good advice. And it sounds like you’re talking about clothes here, not high value items. Baby clothes are easily and cheaply available - if you’re on a budget, you can get perfectly serviceable stuff online or at the supermarket. But if you’re talking about expensive, special stuff that you want to keep....why would you lend it to someone else? Baby clothes more often than not get stained or washed into oblivion. Keep what you want and let your friend buy her own.

If you were talking about, say, the loan of a Bumbo chair for six months (that can be washed down and easily reused), then that might seem different - although it’s clearly your stuff and ultimately your right to keep or lend as you wish. But for clothes? I wouldn’t lend anything I hadn’t finished with either.

Agreed.

I was happy with some of the maternity clothes eg. ASOS jeans, primark leggings, H&M tops, some topshop bits.

She was obviously disappointed it wasn't the good stuff. But I wasn't bothered about getting the above back.