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Original poster

Pissed off two friends as won't share my baby things

389 replies

Pollypockett23 · 16/10/2020 13:22

I've upset two friends by not sharing my baby things. It's my first baby and I have bought everything brand new.

Both are pregnant and both have been pestering to borrow things. Neither have asked outright but have been hugely hinting eg. Can't try things on in maternity stores etc. I've just said you don't really get maternity clothes in store anymore, most is online anyway.

I feel really under pressure and don't want to share my things. One has recently married a millionaire - I don't know why she would want my second hand stuff?

I just want to keep everything new but feel under massive pressure. Am I being unreasonable?

One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! I did give her a bag of things - maternity clothes - and she turned her nose up at them and hasn't worn them since. Confused They were all brand new but things I hadn't spend hundreds on.

OP posts:
Youandmeareluckytobeus · 16/10/2020 13:49

I would totally ignore unless asked directly and then just tell them straight that you are saving them for your next baby.

If they drive you mad though with their obvious hints you'll just have to put on your big girl pants and tell them to knock it off, you aren't loaning them out and to stop talking about it.

Even if you weren't TTC soon, you have every right to put them away for as long as you want.

OhCaptain · 16/10/2020 13:50

@ancientgran

I just don't understand the concept. It feels so entitled? I actually feel sick and a bit stressed about it. For some it is the normal thing to do, it isn't for you so fine but I think you are making a big thing of it, just say if you weren't trying for another baby you'd lend it but as you are you want to keep your things.
I think this is true.

And you do seem to be acting like it’s some badge of honour to have spent a fortune on your baby stuff.

If you spent “waaaaaay too much” that’s fine and your prerogative but it’s just a decision same as choosing to borrow is an equally valid decision.

SlightlyJaded · 16/10/2020 13:50

@Pollypockett23. Glad the text suggestion helped. Let us know how they respond.

RedToothBrush · 16/10/2020 13:51

There is no such thing as 'lending' baby stuff. There is only 'giving it away'.

You aren't ready to give away as you still have a need for your things.

diddl · 16/10/2020 13:51

You have some strange friends, Op!

SengaMac · 16/10/2020 13:52

If it were the other way round and they had babies first wouldn’t you appreciate being offered a few bits?

Offering is fine.
Asking and then whining isn't fine.

I say this as someone who was given things, and also gave things away.
It always involved offering, not asking.

MamaPip · 16/10/2020 13:53

Oh gosh I totally agree with you we had a 2.5 year gap between are two . I bought everything brand new with my first and it was still in perfect condition when we started using it for our second.

I can’t say the same for when we will need it for any future children we may have . Baby two is a chewer the perfect buggy now has a tooth mark she eats everything!! Our toddler if she finds a pencil will draw on anything and everything 🙈

If I had lent my stuff out and got it back in the state it is after this munchkin I would of been upset as some children can wear clothes much harder !! There will be no pass me downs from baby two 😂

If anything survives our own children when we know we won’t be having more then I’ll sell it on and use it to pay for newer things they will need .

And I don’t feel bad not passing it on baby stuff is so expensive for how long you need it .

Appuskidu · 16/10/2020 13:53

Ignore any subtle hints and just say no to any openly asked requests. They're not real friends if they treat you different if you say no and good riddance if they stop speaking to you over this

This. If you have numerous people repeatedly asking you to give them your things, despite you saying you’re ttc again soon, they really aren’t very good friends.

VettiyaIruken · 16/10/2020 13:53

If they hint again, you could tell them you don't lend things because it's a hassle getting them back and you can never know whether you will actually get them back or if you do, whether they'll be ruined and it has the potential to cause resentment and ruin friendships so you would never lend, you would give and only when you have completed your family.

If they persist, you could tell them you've heard of too many friendships wrecked because someone loaned, for example, a pram or a cot or a big piece of baby equipment which was then absolutely wrecked and you don't want to risk that. And you don't want to end up having to buy all the expensive stuff again because you lost it by lending it out.

grapewine · 16/10/2020 13:53

You're not in the least bit unreasonable, and they're a bit CF.

NataliaOsipova · 16/10/2020 13:53

If you spent “waaaaaay too much” that’s fine and your prerogative but it’s just a decision same as choosing to borrow is an equally valid decision.

It’s not the same, though, is it? You can choose to spend whatever you like....but to borrow requires someone else who is willing to lend to you. So I don’t think it is valid to “choose to borrow” without the offer of the loan being made first.

notanothertakeaway · 16/10/2020 13:54

@Pollypockett23

And I'm upset as now my other friends are asking why I'm not lending my stuff out.

I explained, we are going to start trying again. It upsets me that one of my best friends is making me look like a shit friend and gossiping behind my back.

I just don't understand the concept. It feels so entitled? I actually feel sick and a bit stressed about it.

Just tell them you've seen too many posts on Mumsnet, complaining that items have been sold on / returned in poor condition

Or, if people ask why you haven't lent your stuff, just smile and say "because I don't want to", and change the subject

Spam88 · 16/10/2020 13:55

YANBU, lending baby stuff is never a good idea - a lot of people don't realise you'll want it back (because frankly the norm is not to), won't remember which items belonged to you, aren't going to only feed their baby bananas on days where they're not wearing one of your vests etc etc. I say this as someone who can't give stuff away quickly enough now that I'm done having kids, but I wouldn't have lent anything out between my two kids (and two family members had babies during that time).

RonObvious · 16/10/2020 13:56

This is just weird! I've always had people offer baby stuff (once you no longer need it, you are sometimes quite grateful to find someone to give it a new home), but I've never heard of anyone asking for it! Plus it isn't really "loaned" out, is it - it gets worn and stained. If you want to keep the clothes, then absolutely don't hand them out! You're not being selfish at all.

OhCaptain · 16/10/2020 13:57

@NataliaOsipova

If you spent “waaaaaay too much” that’s fine and your prerogative but it’s just a decision same as choosing to borrow is an equally valid decision.

It’s not the same, though, is it? You can choose to spend whatever you like....but to borrow requires someone else who is willing to lend to you. So I don’t think it is valid to “choose to borrow” without the offer of the loan being made first.

Sorry, what I meant was there’s nothing wrong with borrowing stuff.

It’s not entitled to borrow. Spending way too much isn’t magically better, that’s all.

Nor is it entitled to share baby stuff, which OP said.

And feeling sick and stressed because her friends/cousins might want to borrow something is ridiculous.

TheHighestSardine · 16/10/2020 13:57

What a bunch of dicks your friends are. Perhaps you should do something about that.

OhCaptain · 16/10/2020 13:58

Though I will say I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting to lend things out!

Nottherealslimshady · 16/10/2020 13:58

They're being very grabby!
It's your stuff. I dont get the whole lending long term use items though. "Can I borrow your power washer for the weekend" yeah sure! "Can I borrow your trousers for a year?" Erm no.
You're planning a second and if you lend the stuff out and it comes back filthy or damaged or not at all, you'll have to buy new again.
Anytime any mentions "such a shame all that stuffs just in the cupboard" reply "well I nee to save it for our next baby :)"
Do not feel under pressure to give your stuff away.

Original poster
Pollypockett23 · 16/10/2020 14:01

@MamaPip

Oh gosh I totally agree with you we had a 2.5 year gap between are two . I bought everything brand new with my first and it was still in perfect condition when we started using it for our second.

I can’t say the same for when we will need it for any future children we may have . Baby two is a chewer the perfect buggy now has a tooth mark she eats everything!! Our toddler if she finds a pencil will draw on anything and everything 🙈

If I had lent my stuff out and got it back in the state it is after this munchkin I would of been upset as some children can wear clothes much harder !! There will be no pass me downs from baby two 😂

If anything survives our own children when we know we won’t be having more then I’ll sell it on and use it to pay for newer things they will need .

And I don’t feel bad not passing it on baby stuff is so expensive for how long you need it .

Exactly! Thank you! I want to sell things as well, to pay for new things when they get older!
OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/10/2020 14:01

Just be more upfront about the fact that you'll be wanting them for no.2 so no, you won't be "lending" them out to anyone.

YANBU at all and they should back the fuck off.

BestZebbie · 16/10/2020 14:03

If you are going to start TTC in January it is presumably possible that you might even end up having an overlapping pregnancy with one of these friends? When the topic of money or baby stuff comes up again I'd just make a point of saying something like "oh yes, we spent so much last time I'm so glad we are all set up for the next one now!" and make the point that it is still in use by you/not actually finished with.

Original poster
Pollypockett23 · 16/10/2020 14:05

So I text the below text to one. (The one married to a millionaire). Haven't sent it to the other one. 'Lucy' replied...

'Polly, I think you're being silly. Our new baby isn't planning to destroy your things. We would look after anything you give us? It just seems a waste for it to be left in a cupboard? Unless your pregnant? What's the plan for this weekend?'

Ffs.

OP posts:
Lizadork · 16/10/2020 14:05

Also lending things is a sure fire way to never see said items again, only ever "lend" something prepared to lose. Better to keep what you want and give away what you don't.

InkyPinks · 16/10/2020 14:05

I'm pregnant with my first and found that most shops don't even have their maternity clothes on the rails, so you need to order and return if not happy.
Please don't feel bad for not wanting to share your things! It's YOUR stuff. Who is to say you won't beed it again?
For your friend who is financially not so stable, she can find all the essential things for baby on Facebook marketplace or Facebook second hand or free groups. There are some wonderful things for super cheap.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/10/2020 14:05

YADNBU to not loan your baby things to your "friends" OP They would not BU to pick up on your judgemental attitude towards them.

Perhaps your friendship has run its course.Sad

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