Pissed off two friends as won't share my baby things

[Pollypockett23]

I've upset two friends by not sharing my baby things. It's my first baby and I have bought everything brand new.

Both are pregnant and both have been pestering to borrow things. Neither have asked outright but have been hugely hinting eg. Can't try things on in maternity stores etc. I've just said you don't really get maternity clothes in store anymore, most is online anyway.

I feel really under pressure and don't want to share my things. One has recently married a millionaire - I don't know why she would want my second hand stuff?

I just want to keep everything new but feel under massive pressure. Am I being unreasonable?

One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! I did give her a bag of things - maternity clothes - and she turned her nose up at them and hasn't worn them since. They were all brand new but things I hadn't spend hundreds on.

Her baby might not plan on destroying things but they do vomit and poo everywhere as you well know. A lot of things didn’t last my second child and I’d have been quite upset to have lent them out and not had them to be able to use again. I think it is quite normal to hang into your things for a second or subsequent child and then give away once you’re done:

I’m gobsmacked at the brass balls entitlement of your ‘friends’ op . Asking to borrow stuff, fine. Being unpleasant when your friend says a polite no and bitching about them in your wider friendship group - most definitely not fine.

What is wrong with people!?

They are being very unreasonable. If you lend out your stuff it’s likely much of it won’t be good for your next dc. It’s quite another thing to give hand me downs but I’ve always assumed anything I passed down I wouldn’t be seeing again. If any was good enough for another turn I’d assume the person would pass it on to someone else

I think its weird that they expect you to lend them things? Maybe that's just me? I never expected any of my pals to lend/give me things.
I also bought everything new for our DC (except the pram which we got from Gumtree) we bought good quality items that we will keep for (hopefully) our 2nd DC when the time comes.
You already gave one of your pals a bag of clothes which was generous.
You are doing nothing wrong Op , them hinting and talking to other friends about it is pathetic. Be firm and just keep reiterating that you are keeping them for your next child. You don't need to say anything else.

I have honestly never heard of anything like it and can’t imagine anyone I know acting in such a way? It’s bizarre enough that they’d be constantly hinting and taking to other friends about it but to not let it go after you sent the text and still try to get your stuff just doesn’t seem like something anyone with an ounce of self respect would do.

Are you sure you’re not just humble bragging that you spent so much on such amazing baby and maternity things that even millionaires are desperate to get their hands on it?

If not then of course yanbu - just ignore any further hints and refuse to engage in it.

I’m clearly not so fancy as any baby stuff I’ve bought new has been from supermarkets and even then, having seen that she’s only been in everything for approximately 20 seconds before growing out of it I’ve been reluctant to spend on those. She has an amazing wardrobe all ready for the next few sizes the vast majority of which is second hand but in immaculate condition so people saying that clothes get ruined I don’t think that’s the case at least till they’re more mobile and starting to wean? But even so, I have never for a second expected to be given/loaned anything and as yet nobody has ever made me feel like I should be passing on the stuff we’re finished with either (although I will). Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the friendships?

Stand firm OP don’t give these grabby fucker’s a single thing and don’t even respond to her pathetic reply. In fact I think it’s time to ditch them altogether and find some new friends who actually care about you and not your possessions.

P.s If they are Mumsnetter’s and find this thread that could be a good thing. The majority of these posts agree they are CF’s and it might make them think. But sadly this could be wishful thinking as they sound so self absorbed I don’t think much would penetrate their egos.

I passed on all my stuff, most of it was secondhand anyway and I was delighted to be rid of it. I hate clutter and I wasn't planning a second child.

However what you have described would piss me right off for multiple reasons.

I hate having to justify my decisions. It's your stuff, it's up to you what you do with it.

I hate when people drop passive aggressive hints instead of asking for something directly.

I hate people talking about me behind my back instead of to my face.

"Are you getting rid of any of your old baby things? I'd love a look through if you are."
"No sorry I've decided to hang onto them for the moment, not sure yet what the future holds."

And you are absolutely right - their financial situation is not your concern.

Oh gosh sorry didn’t refresh. She’s a massive cheeky fucker. How dare she.
I hope you stick to your guns

***How rude.

I would say going behind my back and talking to the wider group of friends about why I haven't lent my things is pretty upsetting. This has been going on for months and this weekend when I saw said wider group of friends, I was quite hurt to hear it was a thing... not just something in my head.

I was interested to know what people thought on sharing baby items. Isn't that what MN is for? Or is your name 'Lucy'? Jeeeeez***

I think you are making up a lot of drama here. So what if they say it, or want it? Can you not just ignore it. Don't get involved. You have made your choice now communicate it and leave it at that. I'm not rude I just don't conveniently fit with your narrative.

Have a lovely weekend!

YANBU - pregnancy and baby things are very precious. And as you say, you want to use them again. Just ignore their hints, they ABVU.

Can't believe how cheeky her reply was! Some folk really are bold as brass. I'd be tempted to reply saying "I think it's silly to be so wound up about someone not loaning you clothes when you're married to a millionaire and can afford a cleaner and personal trainer but we all have different opinions, don't we?"

I really hope she is on here so she can read this thread! Just point blank tell her no!

Don't lend them. Keep them, use them, store them appropriately for your next child (if you have one), reuse and then once you're done with them, sell the pricier things and donate the rest.

I'd never share baby stuff. Babies get everything dirty and I wouldn't trust someone else's cleaning skills to keep things nice. I wouldn't want to accept back stained, ruined things. They can buy new if they want, or go to the charity shop. You aren't a way for them to get freebies they likely wouldn't give back.

Omg I can't believe her reply to you! She is being ridiculous. You have every right to do whatever you want with your baby's things. I kept everything from my first baby - washed and put in vacuum sealed bags. I took good care of them and they were able to be used for my two subsequent babies as well. I will give them away if anyone wants them after my 3rd outgrows them but I would never give away or even lend something that I might want back/need to use again. Your friends are absolute CFs.

I also hope Lucy is on here.

Lucy, you grossly overuse question marks.

That isn’t normal behaviour....Just ignore them.

I liked the idea of using second-hand stuff for my DCs. So I got it on eBay and at NCT-type sales and in charity shops. My DSis gave me some but it was her offering, not me asking. All this to say that your ‘friends’ can get their own, whatever their financial situation.

I also find it utterly bizarre if you're well off, why wouldn't you want to pick out and buy stuff for your own baby? It's one of the nicest things to do before baby arrives. I'm not even exclusively speaking about new items, either. You can find loads of gorgeous pre-owned baby clothes from Joules, Boden etc on Facebook for a few pounds.

If you're begrudging spending money on your baby and can afford it... I pity the child.

YANBU in respect of maternity stuff. YABU to say of your friend that she has "chosen" to have a baby. Sounds very harsh. Should there be a means test for reproducing?

Yikes. Awful reply. Poor you.

Your friend is terribly rude and entitled. She has no right to your things. The fact that you’re being talked about and the attitude she is showing is quite bullying.

Has she / they always been that way? Has she / they given / lent you things or money in the past, which would make you seem unreasonable to them when asked to share baby things?

Maybe just keep repeating "You don't lend things you still want, when done you sell/donate/offer friends but everything still needed". Also instead of saying you are keeping things for next child, just pack away and claim got rid of/ruined. No one needs to know what you keep.

Worst reply ever. Ignore all her ‘question marks’ to do with the baby clothes and pretend like the subject no longer exists. I would answer the bit about the weekend plans just to make it clear that you’re not addressing the baby subject again.

After that reply, no way in hell would I lend her anything. If anyone calls me silly for stating an opinion, I'm done with them by and large. It's disrespectful.

The cheek of some people! They wouldnt be getting a thing from me. So what if you spend 'way to much' on baby clothes. It will pay off as your planning on using them for your future DC.

'Lucy' it's not a waste! A waste would be Polly throwing a big massive cake away because she couldn't eat it all and didn't want to share, or leaving a perfectly good piece of furniture outside to be ruined because she doesnt want it but also doesnt want to share...that's waste. Those baby clothes aren't being wasted...they're being stored safely away until Polly needs them. Stop being so entitled.

Stand your ground OP. Cheeky fuckers!