Pissed off two friends as won't share my baby things

[Pollypockett23]

I've upset two friends by not sharing my baby things. It's my first baby and I have bought everything brand new.

Both are pregnant and both have been pestering to borrow things. Neither have asked outright but have been hugely hinting eg. Can't try things on in maternity stores etc. I've just said you don't really get maternity clothes in store anymore, most is online anyway.

I feel really under pressure and don't want to share my things. One has recently married a millionaire - I don't know why she would want my second hand stuff?

I just want to keep everything new but feel under massive pressure. Am I being unreasonable?

One friend is strapped for cash but has chosen to have a baby. I don't feel I should have to fund her lifestyle choice?! I did give her a bag of things - maternity clothes - and she turned her nose up at them and hasn't worn them since. They were all brand new but things I hadn't spend hundreds on.

Bizarre behaviour.
What CF's.

Her opinion on what you decide to do with your maternity clothes and baby stuff is none of her business.

Honestly OP, I can only imagine how upsetting this is by supposed friends.

Years ago my friend "loaned" some gorgeous items to her SIL who was pregnant and going on holiday.
Lovely pretty bits that would make you feel special on holidays.
She got them back after a hot boil wash and they were ruined. You don't boil wash silk🙄.
She was livid, told her so and never gave her a single baby item.

Don't loan anything that you want back to use, recipe for disaster.

Frankly I would tell your newly weathy friend to get over herself.

Friends don't behave like this.

Its rude of them to assume. I had a small gap between my eldest and I didn't lend anything out because i didn't really have chance. As soon as number two no longer needed things I gave lots of stuff away though.

There have been plenty of threads on here about people lending baby things out and then never seeing them again because people ruined them or passed them on themselves not realising original person wanted them back. The general consensus is not to lend stuff out / give away until you are completely done with it.

Just stick to your guns and say you're trying again and will be keeping your own things until your family is finished with them.

"Lucy's" reply leaves me speechless OP. Her tone is very entitled and almost bullying, telling you how silly you are to keep your own belongings in your own cupboards! Do you really want this woman as your friend? My reply would be a resounding silence....

What a rotten reply.

You are NOT being silly, she's being a grabby fucker and she can fuck off and buy her own stuff.

There's no "use by" date on baby clothes etc - they can stay packed away until you need them, she doesn't need to "keep them running" for you (like you would a car).

Honestly, some people.

They're YOUR baby clothes, YOU paid for them, it's YOUR choice. Stand firm and tell her to go buy her own!

This comment shows exactly how much you value your friendships, OP, and I'm sorry for you, because good friends that look out of each other are worth good.

OP's 'friends' seems to value her baby things over her, as they are gossiping about her choices and not listening to her, so maybe they aren't really good friends after all.

I'd reply

"I know you don't plan for you baby to destroy my things but then I've had a baby and know that they do whether or not you plan that. I look forward to hearing what other things your baby has planned, so that we can have a good chuckle together when they are a year old and you understand how naive you were being".

Or just tell them to fuck off, you are busy at the weekend finding friends instead of entitled grabby fuckers.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. It's your stuff, you bought it, and you want it for a potential second child.
Don't let people make you feel like you need to give handouts. Your friends have chosen to have babies so it's their responsibility to buy the bits they need.
I'd just make it overly obvious you're keeping everything for your next one.
If they're allowed to hint at you, you're allowed to hint at wanting to keep it 😂

@RelaisBlu

"Lucy's" reply leaves me speechless OP. Her tone is very entitled and almost bullying, telling you how silly you are to keep your own belongings in your own cupboards! Do you really want this woman as your friend? My reply would be a resounding silence....

And yes shes not a friend. Shes a leech who thinks she can use you rather than respect your feelings and property.

I'd DEFINITELY not lend her a thing after trying to emotionally blackmail you.

How horrible of your 'friends'. A close friend announced her pregnancy and I am so excited. I've offered up anything of DSs that she might find useful. I obviously kept anything that is sentimental and I know I won't have any more children but it was my decision to make. If she'd asked for things I would have felt uncomfortable.

I don't understand how you can dismiss helping out a poor pregnant friend as 'funding a lifestyle choice'. Perhaps you have the friends you deserve.

@allthedamnvampires

I don't understand how you can dismiss helping out a poor pregnant friend as 'funding a lifestyle choice'. Perhaps you have the friends you deserve.

Because the friend isn't her responsibility and the OP might not be able to afford to rebuy everything if it gets wrecked.

I wouldn't bother seeing them again its all one way giving and hard work. They need to sort themselves out. They are ungrateful too.

I've never asked anyone for anything. I'd be too ashamed!!

@redtoothbrush you are of course correct but this is not what I'm taking issue with. Describing a pregnancy as a lifestyle choice is crass. It's a baby and a family, not an accessory. The friends are not friends but the OP doesn't sound much of a delight either.

Errr the OP gave the strapped for cash friend a bag of maternity clothes. The strapped for cash friend hasn't worn any of them...

Having a baby is a choice no matter what the financial situation. Nobody should be made to feel shit for wanting to keep things they've bought for their own babies! How the fuck is anyone arguing this point??

I passed all our baby stuff on with the exception of the boys I wanted to keep for DS2, but like fuck would I be passing on stuff I wanted to keep.

If your friends don't want to/aren't able to spend much, they can look into local baby banks or swap shops.

I'd just ignore the first part of her message and reply re the weekend. You've made your stance clear.

Fwiw, I assume DS had no plans to destroy any clothes, but pretty much every vest and baby grow up to 6 months ended up with poo stains that I couldn't get out, his GroSnug has a poo stain, all his current vests are stained around the neck because he takes his bib off when eating, the knees are worn on most of his trousers from crawling around... A lot of DD's summer clothes ended up with sun cream stains as well (why do they make kids stuff coloured??).

YANBU.

It’s your property! They are not entitled to it because they’re your friends. Tbh, they wouldn’t be my friends anymore with this behaviour.

I remember my first baby and people were just giving us hand-me downs not even considering that we may not want them and some were from family members who had children who were at least five years old so said clothes had been sitting in a loft or garage for years. Half of it was put in the clothing recycle, and the majority of the rest was washed (they hadn’t done so by the look and smells of things) and put into the charity bin. Why people wouldn’t check these things before giving them away boggles my mind.

There’s also no guarantee that the clothes you have is actually going to fit their babies either and again their your property and you can do whatever you want with it including keeping it for the next baby.

This is bizarre! Is baby/child stuff viewed differently? I gave lots of baby stuff to a friend and after she used it, she tried selling it online. I thought that was a bit cheeky. I expected her to pass anything useful on, in turn. Another friend didn't use lots of expensive baby stuff but never gave it back, either.

Describing a pregnancy as a lifestyle choice is crass.

It's true though. You make a choice for the kind of life (general) you want. A baby isn't an accessory, obviously, but it is a choice. A choice make because (general) you want them.

I don't see why describing a pregnancy as a lifestyle choice is wrong. Except if its unwanted or unplanned. People decide they want a baby and then start demanding baby stuff belonging yo other folk. Not on.

Are you sure these people are your friends OP?

It certainly doesn't sound as though they are.

How odd, everyone I know buys new for a first pregnancy/baby. Why would they assume you’re giving them your stuff?
Just say no I’m sorry I’m keeping it all.

I would have thought that most people having a new baby would want to buy their own new things. Without being harsh, if people don't have the money to buy their own things, perhaps they should think about delaying having a baby until they can afford to do so.

I wouldn't lend my baby stuff out until I was certain I wouldn't need it again. As PP have said, it's not likely to come back in the same condition. It's your stuff that you bought for baby no1 and you want to keep it in good condition for baby no2. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Friends would understand that, they sound entitled.

They should be ashamed of themselves. If someone wants to lend their baby things to friends, that's nice, but it's certainly not something they should be expecting and pressuring you about. Anything that wears out (clothes) and that you think you might need again or want to save for sentimental reasons, I'd never consider loaning.

Clothes are cheap these days, if you're not too picky. It's not as though they can't make it through without the loan of your clothes.