Dealing with a toxic EX, Am I being unreasonable?

[Hover93]

Ladies, I need your help. Me and my ex partner split up some time ago, we have 2 children together and we get on really well, have a good relationship co- parenting our girls and still being friends.

We both have new partners now, my new partner has 4 children two boys aged 15 and 13 and two girls ages 6 and 5. The boys are older an dont really like staying over they want to be on there computers or seeing their friends/girlfriends typical teenage boys however, the girls we have stay over.

This is where it gets difficult and I need advice regarding his difficult ex.

So we have his girls every Wednesday over night an take them school the next day and then give them tea on Thursday before taking them home and then we don't have them again untill the following Wednesday but then that week we have them Wednesday night, Friday night, Saturday night an take them home Sunday night. So basically every other weekend we have them all weekend. But still 8 times over the month. We told his ex we would start bringing the girls back at 2pm every Sunday so we had a couple of hours break before my girls came home an we had work the next day. But she refused an said we cannot bring them home untill bedtime as shes out and made plans as thats her weekend and its our problem to sort them.

My girls stay at there dads every Saturday night and sometimes 1 night in the week depending on what shifts he works. My partner has started a new job now which also requires him to work away some weeks, we have asked his ex if we can change the days having the girls from ever other full weekend to every Friday night instead. This would mean every Wednesday and Friday they stay with us, he even asked his mother if every other Saturday she would have the girls so his ex could still have a full weekend with no girls. The reason we wanted to change is because of his new job for one but also because the way it fell it meant we only had 2 days a month with no children to be able to do anything, I may sound like I'm being selfish but everybody needs some time especially new relationships.

Basically his ex has refused an said it doesnt suit her and the girls are in a routine with every other full weekend and thats how its staying. Without sounding petty and like I'm having a go at her the girls are not in any routine. Here is a couple of examples: last week we was told we can't drop the girls off untill 8pm on Sunday because she was out, 8pm came an she said she aint getting the girls she won't be back we will have to sort them David asked what time was there bedtime as it was a school night, she replied what ever time I put them to bed. So no routine which we already new anyway. So we kept the girls, bare in mind not only were they in school the next day but we also had no clothes/uniform for them alls they brought with them on the Friday was the clothes they were wearing, a coat and there tablets. We were not suprised by this anymore and had already bought an entire new wardrobe for the pair of them for when they are with us as they always looked homeless. The first time they came there bag consisted of 1 pair of knickers, 1 pair of leggings, 1 pyjama tshirt and 1 tshirt which was full of crusty food. Its really sad too see as they cry an want to take their stuff home when they go but I refuse as it doesn't come back.

The weekend that she is meant to have them she takes them to my partners mothers an she xmas them while she goes out or the boys look after them. I'm concerned for the girls in general, they sleep on metal camping beds, the only time they have a bath or shower is with us, they even questioned why we make them brush there teeth as they never have to do it at home, there late for school almost everyday even though the school in 10 doors down from there house, they even refuse to eat my food because "its tastes disgusting when its not made in a microwave"

We had to take the one of the boys shopping and buy him a toothbrush an toothpaste because they didn't have one and we found out for months he was either not brushing his teeth or having to use his brothers

Anyway so I've gone of a rant now but basically, I want to know of we are being unreasonable asking to change the days to every Wednesday and Friday instead of every other weekend?

The children are being neglected and you want to see them less? Wtf is wrong with you?

You chose to shack up with someone who has four children. If you wanted to have a break from children, you should either remain single or only date men who don’t have children. You can’t now demand they change their access arrangements just so you can have a few hours alone with him every week, no.

You have done a good job at painting the Mother as completely feckless though, well done.

You have no right to change the routine now and expect the ex to rearrange her life to suit you. She's not the toxic one.

Changing their routine with their Dad just so you have some quiet time is utterly unreasonable. You can have your relationship time on the weekend he doesn't have his girls.

It's also seriously fucking cheeky to ask for Wednesday and Friday so you can have weekend time - when does their mother get weekend time? Also, when in that will he have time to take them out for the day? Visit his family? There is more to parenting than making them dinner and putting them to bed.

Also, if the kids are as poorly looked after as you are alleging then cutting his time with them so you can have a shag makes him an utterly shit father.

So, you think they are being neglected but you want to see them less.
If your children's father asked to not have his kids every sat because he wanted a sat night off what would you say?
Your partner had to ask the children's mum what time they go to bed at on a school night, yet he has they every wed ON A SCHOOL NIGHT?

I think a full weekend every other week with his girls is what he should be doing.

Most nuclear families don’t have days off from their children. You have every other weekend without his girls don’t you - why can’t you change arrangements with your ex to similar so you have those weekends free if childfree time is so important - not cut down the time your DPs children get to spend with him.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. The contact arrangements are between the girls parents. I’d be pissed off if my kids dad got a new gf who then started interfering and dictating our contact arrangements. I think you need to accept that you can’t have kid free days a couple days a month with all of the kids you have between you. I’m not even sure how many there are? You say he has 4 with his ex, you have 2 together, but you also have kids with an ex as you say you have girls who stay with their dad? As it is, he only has his children part time, so it would be really shitty of you to reduce his weekend time with them even further to suit yourself

YANBU in itself but the neglect side is worrying.
Contact social services? Does she even want her children?

And my dd would be devastated if she got shunted to grandma on daddy’s saturdays so he could spend time with his DP rather than her. Shame on both of you for even considering that

TBH If what you say is true about their mum then I'd be wanting to spend more time with them than less to ensure they were getting looked after.

I do get we all need time to ourselves, but you wouldn't get that if you were still with your children's dad anyway.

I brought all my children up by myself & it's only when the youngest 2 were 10 & 12 (last year) that I started getting every other weekend to myself, youngest was a year old when i split from their dad.

@Suzi888

YANBU in itself but the neglect side is worrying. Contact social services? Does she even want her children?

I’d take the ops claims of neglect with a pinch of salt, considering she’s using that as a reason to see them even less. If they were actually being neglected then the post would be about having them full time, not banning them from their dads on the 2 weekends a month they actually see him, so she can have him to herself.

YABVU. Your new part

You cannot expect her to change her plans at your convenience.

You have six children between you, it is hard luck that you will only get two child free days a month. My parents never had any child free days in the month, same as many other parents that remain married.

So, according to you, their mum isn’t looking after them properly at all yet instead of stepping up and trying to help these kids you want to cut their time with their dad, the only time they wash, sleep on proper beds, have clean clothes etc so that you can have some child free time??
Seriously!?

@Scweltish

I also took the neglect with a pinch of salt, it read like an afterthought to presumably paint the mother in a bad light. If it were true, I would. Have expected it to be the first thing OP mentioned with a discussion on how to increase their contact / get full custody.

The girls mum is not looking after them properly and going out a lot according to you. This is not your problem. It is your partners. He obviously sees this too and he needs to address it.
If he has changed his job and can't look after them then it is not your job to look after them. He needs to come to an agreement with his ex wife about dates.

If he has them that much, how come he doesn’t know what time they go to bed?

You want to get rid of his children early so you can “spend time with him” before your kids come home?
That’s dreadful! Poor children!

You don't get child-free time because you both have children. If you want child-free time then you get a babysitter - like parents who are still together would have to. The ex sounds like an awful mother but she doesn't appear to be doing anything at all wrong with regards to your ex or you.

I voted YABU due to the fact you say they only shower when will you don’t brush their teeth look homeless ect but your DP as you call him doesn’t want them more to take care of them or hasn’t done anything to get full custody.

Si not only is he not seeing his sons anymore who at 13 and 15 SHOULD see their dad if anything even more as teenage boys need their fathers input more than ever, he is now looking at reducing his time with his daughter to have more free time to have fun with his new partner?

Sorry OP, you do sound like a reasonable person but yes, you are reacting in Avery selfish and entitled way and he is weak and selfish for going along with it.

I can imagine what the mum must think if him and you and frankly, she has a point.

Her deciding that the girls should stay over at the last minute us not in though, unless she did have a good reason and it was a one off.

I'm still highly amused at a couple with 6 kids between them thinking they're entitled to child-free time every weekend.

We have 6. Half of them are at uni now and we still don't get (or expect) child free time every weekend.

Sorry you don’t Call him dp

I hope you have good contraception sorted

You sound like the difficult and toxic one! Granted doesn’t sound like mother is great but then again it could just be you twisting everything so I don’t know if i believe you. Who do you think you are dictating contact time anyway? Put the children first and be quiet.

You think the children are being neglected, and you want to see them less.

The only opportunity they may have to have decent clothes etc is what you guys buy them, yet they still have to cry, at only 5 and 6 because they can’t take home something that gives them joy.

Their own dad doesn’t even know their bedtime, and has to ask the other parent.

Their own dad is trying to palm his children off to his mother, so that he has more free time.

It all sounds lovely. You should be very proud of your new boyfriend, and of your attitude towards his very young, and potentially vulnerable children.