Dealing with a toxic EX, Am I being unreasonable?

[Hover93]

Ladies, I need your help. Me and my ex partner split up some time ago, we have 2 children together and we get on really well, have a good relationship co- parenting our girls and still being friends.

We both have new partners now, my new partner has 4 children two boys aged 15 and 13 and two girls ages 6 and 5. The boys are older an dont really like staying over they want to be on there computers or seeing their friends/girlfriends typical teenage boys however, the girls we have stay over.

This is where it gets difficult and I need advice regarding his difficult ex.

So we have his girls every Wednesday over night an take them school the next day and then give them tea on Thursday before taking them home and then we don't have them again untill the following Wednesday but then that week we have them Wednesday night, Friday night, Saturday night an take them home Sunday night. So basically every other weekend we have them all weekend. But still 8 times over the month. We told his ex we would start bringing the girls back at 2pm every Sunday so we had a couple of hours break before my girls came home an we had work the next day. But she refused an said we cannot bring them home untill bedtime as shes out and made plans as thats her weekend and its our problem to sort them.

My girls stay at there dads every Saturday night and sometimes 1 night in the week depending on what shifts he works. My partner has started a new job now which also requires him to work away some weeks, we have asked his ex if we can change the days having the girls from ever other full weekend to every Friday night instead. This would mean every Wednesday and Friday they stay with us, he even asked his mother if every other Saturday she would have the girls so his ex could still have a full weekend with no girls. The reason we wanted to change is because of his new job for one but also because the way it fell it meant we only had 2 days a month with no children to be able to do anything, I may sound like I'm being selfish but everybody needs some time especially new relationships.

Basically his ex has refused an said it doesnt suit her and the girls are in a routine with every other full weekend and thats how its staying. Without sounding petty and like I'm having a go at her the girls are not in any routine. Here is a couple of examples: last week we was told we can't drop the girls off untill 8pm on Sunday because she was out, 8pm came an she said she aint getting the girls she won't be back we will have to sort them David asked what time was there bedtime as it was a school night, she replied what ever time I put them to bed. So no routine which we already new anyway. So we kept the girls, bare in mind not only were they in school the next day but we also had no clothes/uniform for them alls they brought with them on the Friday was the clothes they were wearing, a coat and there tablets. We were not suprised by this anymore and had already bought an entire new wardrobe for the pair of them for when they are with us as they always looked homeless. The first time they came there bag consisted of 1 pair of knickers, 1 pair of leggings, 1 pyjama tshirt and 1 tshirt which was full of crusty food. Its really sad too see as they cry an want to take their stuff home when they go but I refuse as it doesn't come back.

The weekend that she is meant to have them she takes them to my partners mothers an she xmas them while she goes out or the boys look after them. I'm concerned for the girls in general, they sleep on metal camping beds, the only time they have a bath or shower is with us, they even questioned why we make them brush there teeth as they never have to do it at home, there late for school almost everyday even though the school in 10 doors down from there house, they even refuse to eat my food because "its tastes disgusting when its not made in a microwave"

We had to take the one of the boys shopping and buy him a toothbrush an toothpaste because they didn't have one and we found out for months he was either not brushing his teeth or having to use his brothers

Anyway so I've gone of a rant now but basically, I want to know of we are being unreasonable asking to change the days to every Wednesday and Friday instead of every other weekend?

Apart from potential safeguarding - which wouldn't from what you've said there probably be viewed as such - your principle issue is you want time with your oh. I'm struggling as to why the children's care wasn't your priority for this thread, but there we go.

Re your time, the obvious workaround to. Me was for your children to have whole alternate weekends with their dad in line with when the ex has the children. That tbh imo would have been preferable as you have no quality weekend time with your children at present, so cannot go away with them etc.

Fwiw putting aside the ex's behaviour, I think that your reason to reduce contact is unreasonable and actually quite self absorbed.

Why would you want to drop children off early to a parent so ready and willing to 'neglect' them?

I would love to heat the 'toxic ex's' side....

If they're being neglected, you need to report it to social services tbh.

@CovidStoleTheRainbow

Why would you want to drop children off early to a parent so ready and willing to 'neglect' them?

I would love to heat the 'toxic ex's' side....

Exactly and so would I !!!!

As for fully custody its something we are actually thinking of doing anyway.

So what would be different about full custody that wouldn't make the weekends difficult with his new job?

And if he pays for all their uniforms, why doesn't he have any?

300 a month for four children? That is a tiny portion of the amount needed to feed, clothe, house, and otherwise provide for them.

(As an aside, I think the maintenance amounts that many non-resident parents get away with paying in the UK are nothing short of criminal.)

In this case, I feel very sorry for all the children involved. The father of the younger girls doesn't even know when their bedtime is? Not a very involved father, evidently. And nothing has been done about the neglect the children are experiencing? Poor kids, all of them.

Jesus, these poor kids.

Urgh. You’re one of those new partners. Bought the ‘she’s a lazy bitch’ line and happy to spout it off to anyone who will listen, hoping that they’re stupid enough not to realise that a good father and step parent wouldn’t tolerate the blatant abuse of children. Moan about how she won’t do as you want, how she’s lazy and stupid but not actually bother to do anything at all about it. If those children are abused (and I doubt it), you are worse than their mother in that you see it and turn a blind eye. As long as your life is easy, no boat is going to be rocked.

Tell me, OP, what kind of mother would want to be with a man who knows his children are being abused but does sod all about it?

@CovidStoleTheRainbow

I know we aren't allowed to troll hunt but are we allowed to call out a sock puppet?

Which one will you go for? There's a good choice

Have to admit I hate these posts.
It's always the 'ex' at fault, never the father/mother and new partner.
Ps-what are days off? I hope you never have to start having your children full time because going by the sounds of this you'd resent it highly.
You knew what you got yourself into when getting together, he also knew what he was doing taking a new job that would lessen his time with his children.
In absolute honestly I think it's F all to do with you and if he has such strong opinions of how she parents their children, HE needs to sit down with her and maybe ask if she's struggling or needs any help. Anyone thought about the mother in this or do you just want to slag her off?

@Hover93

Also to point out she doesn't work shes home all day every day and we do work full time

Well, with the way he's pissing her around with wanting to reduce contact and dump them off on her before a normal weekend shift would finish, she's not going to be in a situation to get a job now, is she?

@Enoughnowstop

Urgh. You’re one of those new partners. Bought the ‘she’s a lazy bitch’ line and happy to spout it off to anyone who will listen, hoping that they’re stupid enough not to realise that a good father and step parent wouldn’t tolerate the blatant abuse of children. Moan about how she won’t do as you want, how she’s lazy and stupid but not actually bother to do anything at all about it. If those children are abused (and I doubt it), you are worse than their mother in that you see it and turn a blind eye. As long as your life is easy, no boat is going to be rocked.

Tell me, OP, what kind of mother would want to be with a man who knows his children are being abused but does sod all about it?

Couldn’t of put it better myself.

Awful post, awful grammar, awful judgement of the mother....just awful all round and getting worse with each update.

I don't know, I can't work out if OP is getting a hard time here or not. If their mum is neglecting them, you should not be thinking about full custody, you should be actively seeking it. Paying over and above what CMS says means nothing, nothing at all. Not with 4 children. Maybe you've considered that though when you've been thinking about full custody? Maybe you've realised that if you got it, you'd be paying a hell of a lot more?

Now that I've thought about it, you're taking the p*ss. I don't think you care about these poor children. It seems like you're trying to work out a deal that suits you so you can have you're cake and eat it. NOBODY with 6 children has 2 days to themselves.

@Suzi888

YANBU in itself but the neglect side is worrying. Contact social services? Does she even want her children?

Neither does dad

I think you just need to accept YABU and you're not making much sense.

You have 6 children between you. The fact that you have 2 days without children is pretty insane.

None of your reasoning sounded like you or your partner had the children's interest's in mind.

Unfortunately yes the new job was necessary as my OH was made redundant because of covid any job was better than none but we was lucky as it meant a little bit more money too just meant working away sometimes Unfortunately

€300 a month for 4 kids? That won't go far

I've noticed but I just want to thank you, somebody who's not judging me and seeing the bigger picture, my partner was made redundant during covid so had to get a new job unfortunately 😕

I get less from my ex partner an it goes very far

@Notinterested93

I get less from my ex partner an it goes very far

Ah so that’s what it’s all about really...

Why the second new ID to answer on the same thread? @Hover93 @Notinterested93

As it stands, it's pretty simple - she has residency, access times are in place, he asked to change, she said no. End of story.

The only way to get your precious couple time is to go to court.

Or go to court for residency. Which would totally scupper your couple time.

And £300 per month is less than £2.50 per day, per child. That can't even cover their food bill. What a great Dad he is!