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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with a toxic EX, Am I being unreasonable?

183 replies

Hover93 · 16/10/2020 10:32

Ladies, I need your help. Me and my ex partner split up some time ago, we have 2 children together and we get on really well, have a good relationship co- parenting our girls and still being friends.

We both have new partners now, my new partner has 4 children two boys aged 15 and 13 and two girls ages 6 and 5. The boys are older an dont really like staying over they want to be on there computers or seeing their friends/girlfriends typical teenage boys however, the girls we have stay over.

This is where it gets difficult and I need advice regarding his difficult ex.

So we have his girls every Wednesday over night an take them school the next day and then give them tea on Thursday before taking them home and then we don't have them again untill the following Wednesday but then that week we have them Wednesday night, Friday night, Saturday night an take them home Sunday night. So basically every other weekend we have them all weekend. But still 8 times over the month. We told his ex we would start bringing the girls back at 2pm every Sunday so we had a couple of hours break before my girls came home an we had work the next day. But she refused an said we cannot bring them home untill bedtime as shes out and made plans as thats her weekend and its our problem to sort them.

My girls stay at there dads every Saturday night and sometimes 1 night in the week depending on what shifts he works. My partner has started a new job now which also requires him to work away some weeks, we have asked his ex if we can change the days having the girls from ever other full weekend to every Friday night instead. This would mean every Wednesday and Friday they stay with us, he even asked his mother if every other Saturday she would have the girls so his ex could still have a full weekend with no girls. The reason we wanted to change is because of his new job for one but also because the way it fell it meant we only had 2 days a month with no children to be able to do anything, I may sound like I'm being selfish but everybody needs some time especially new relationships.

Basically his ex has refused an said it doesnt suit her and the girls are in a routine with every other full weekend and thats how its staying. Without sounding petty and like I'm having a go at her the girls are not in any routine. Here is a couple of examples: last week we was told we can't drop the girls off untill 8pm on Sunday because she was out, 8pm came an she said she aint getting the girls she won't be back we will have to sort them David asked what time was there bedtime as it was a school night, she replied what ever time I put them to bed. So no routine which we already new anyway. So we kept the girls, bare in mind not only were they in school the next day but we also had no clothes/uniform for them alls they brought with them on the Friday was the clothes they were wearing, a coat and there tablets. We were not suprised by this anymore and had already bought an entire new wardrobe for the pair of them for when they are with us as they always looked homeless. The first time they came there bag consisted of 1 pair of knickers, 1 pair of leggings, 1 pyjama tshirt and 1 tshirt which was full of crusty food. Its really sad too see as they cry an want to take their stuff home when they go but I refuse as it doesn't come back.

The weekend that she is meant to have them she takes them to my partners mothers an she xmas them while she goes out or the boys look after them. I'm concerned for the girls in general, they sleep on metal camping beds, the only time they have a bath or shower is with us, they even questioned why we make them brush there teeth as they never have to do it at home, there late for school almost everyday even though the school in 10 doors down from there house, they even refuse to eat my food because "its tastes disgusting when its not made in a microwave"

We had to take the one of the boys shopping and buy him a toothbrush an toothpaste because they didn't have one and we found out for months he was either not brushing his teeth or having to use his brothers

Anyway so I've gone of a rant now but basically, I want to know of we are being unreasonable asking to change the days to every Wednesday and Friday instead of every other weekend?

OP posts:
Noitjustwontdo · 16/10/2020 12:37

Oh and it’s really none of your business where the Mother goes in her spare time so the ‘drinking session in Blackpool’ is completely irrelevant.

Florencex · 16/10/2020 12:37

@Hover93

We asked to change it for work reasons not personal time
In your first post you clearly said you wanted to change it so that you had some time for yourselves and you went on to explain that you needed new relationship time.

Yes you also mentioned the job, but in any case, surely he should be thinking about his child responsibilities before he accepted a job? Not just assume that the other parent needs to pick up the slack? If he was a single parent, he would have to turn the job down presumably.

And you keep insisting that going from one week day and EOW to every Wednesday and Friday is the same thing. No it isn’t. They are at school on Wednesday and Fridays, so effectively you want to swap a whole weekend for a couple of hours in the evening.

VanGoghsDog · 16/10/2020 12:39

@Hover93

He done a calculation online for how much he should be paying which was £218 a month he didn't see this as reasonable so pays her £300 a month, plus the boys are at ours eating every other day an when we do have the girls so hes paying more than enough. I'm not changing it for my time he asked to change it to a weekly thing and sees them the exact same amount of time mainly due to work.
£300 to house, feed and clothe four kids. Aye - he's super generous there!

Out of interest, why did he accept a new job with terms that undermine his family life?

Yes, you are being unreasonable by the way. As is he.

Cabinfever10 · 16/10/2020 12:43

@Hover93 in your 1st post you literally say you want to change the days/times so you can have child free alone time but are now saying that its because of your boyfriends shifts so which is it?
If your boyfriend buys all the uniform why don't you have any at your home?
All I can see is a selfish new girlfriend who doesn't want his kids around and when told that by MN is trying to back track and drip feed so we will change our mind it won't work and just makes you look worse

VanGoghsDog · 16/10/2020 12:44

Toast.

I'm glad you included toast in the list of things he paid for. Without that you might have looked quite bad!

earthtopluto · 16/10/2020 12:45

Toast Confused

CovidStoleTheRainbow · 16/10/2020 12:49

You do realise parents of children who haven't split up, don't get to have a couple of hours childfree every other weekend don't you?

YABVU, they are his kids, and the others are yours. It's ridiculous to think you can wangle things to get a few hours off by dropping the girls back early.

She isn't toxic, you're difficult!

Florencex · 16/10/2020 12:49

@Hover93

Hes pays monthly maintenance nearly £100 more than he should he pays for all there clothes at our house and he pays for all their uniforms for all 4 kids every single item, he also pays for all there school fees, milk, toast, school dinners ect and any trips they have
£100 more than he should? So you both think he should pay £200 a month for four children including two teenage boys. Roughly £10 a week per child.

This is not a word of a lie, but I spend more than that on my dogs food and toys. And I didn’t have to buy / rent a house big enough to accommodate my dogs.

PhoneAddict · 16/10/2020 12:51

I have to say, my children go to their father's house two nights one weeks, and three nights the next. It has never once occured to me to pack clothes for them. And I'll bet good money ExH has never thought about it either. He just has clothes at his, and I have clothes here. I'm also puzzled as to why your partner didn't have uniform for them the Sunday night you described, if they go to school from your house regularly? Again ExH has uniform at his, I have uniform at mine. We share the cost of the PE kit etc.

Original poster
Hover93 · 16/10/2020 12:56

Also to point out she doesn't work shes home all day every day and we do work full time

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 16/10/2020 12:56

He isn't trying to get them less hes trying to get them every week instead of every other week!!
OP, you know that's not the case. You want to trade 2 full days for 2 afternoons and evenings. That IS less and you know it. You also know it means you get all your weekend either with your kids alone or your OH alone. She however doesn't get one free weekend, but you genuinely think this is reasonable?

You are so critical of her it doesn't come across true at all. I bet she isn't out getting drunk every weekend nor leaving the girls every other weekends for the whole day with their grandparents and I bet they are not really neglected.

I also find it sad that the boys don't want to spend any weekends with him.

I think you are realising how demanding life with 6 kids is and looking to ease matters to your benefit, not it not caring about the impact this has on his ex but trying to portray her as a bad mum, probably to ease the fact that you and your oh are the ones being selfish.

EatDessertFirst · 16/10/2020 12:57

@Hover93

Also to point out she doesn't work shes home all day every day and we do work full time
So fucking what??
dontdisturbmenow · 16/10/2020 12:58

Also to point out she doesn't work shes home all day every day and we do work full time
So either she will now be elected to look for work as her you best is 5, or she is I'll, which makes the situation worse, or she is a carer. Which one is it? Unless she is fully supported by her family or new partner, in which case, it's totally irrelevant.

Groovinpeanut · 16/10/2020 13:01

OP you're on a hiding to nothing raising such a topic on these boards. Every thread goes the same. You cast as the unreasonable one and most responses saying the father should be doing X,y and z
You have every right to ask reasonable adjustments in contact visits if the current ones aren't working out.
It's not your place to have to compensate for their mothers crap parenting. They're her kids just as much as your partner's.
Their relationship is over, their mother has a life, you're entitled to one too. You shouldn't have to cover her shortcomings.
Put your proposed arrangements giving her ample notice, clearly state the days you will be having the children. This gives her ample time to sort her arrangements.
Ignore all the bashing. You do what's right for you and your family and the other children.

lyralalala · 16/10/2020 13:03

@Hover93

Also to point out she doesn't work shes home all day every day and we do work full time
What's that got to do with anything?

Your partner doesn't have his children and excessive amount of time.

Midweek and EOW is a very standard arrangement.

Original poster
Hover93 · 16/10/2020 13:03

We don't have any uniform they come in there uniform we wash it put them back on yhem the day after,

My OH has no clothes for my daughters I send a bag packed for them each whenever they go

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 16/10/2020 13:05

Put your proposed arrangements giving her ample notice, clearly state the days you will be having the children. This gives her ample time to sort her arrangements
And maybe she'll right back and tell her to stuff her suggested arrangements. She is entitled to do what's right for her and her family. The world doesn't revolve around OP.

If it went to court, a judge would be very unlikely to consider the suggested arrangements fair and the best interest of the children.

Dizzib1 · 16/10/2020 13:05

We can't really moan about CMS payments 'only' being a small amount as if he is on a low income that could be why.
Unless of course he is hiding money & getting paid cash in hand to help hide it?

lyralalala · 16/10/2020 13:05

@Groovinpeanut

OP you're on a hiding to nothing raising such a topic on these boards. Every thread goes the same. You cast as the unreasonable one and most responses saying the father should be doing X,y and z You have every right to ask reasonable adjustments in contact visits if the current ones aren't working out. It's not your place to have to compensate for their mothers crap parenting. They're her kids just as much as your partner's. Their relationship is over, their mother has a life, you're entitled to one too. You shouldn't have to cover her shortcomings. Put your proposed arrangements giving her ample notice, clearly state the days you will be having the children. This gives her ample time to sort her arrangements. Ignore all the bashing. You do what's right for you and your family and the other children.
You don't think the OP's father should be doing more than EOW for his apparently badly neglected children?

He can't just change their arrangement unilaterally. If she doesn't want to change it then he'd have to go to court. And since EOW is the standard, and the status quo, he'd lose. The mother is entitled to spend some Saturdays with her children as well.

lyralalala · 16/10/2020 13:07

Should be doing more than changing EOW that should say.

Original poster
Hover93 · 16/10/2020 13:08

I'm not a new girlfriend weve been together years and never changed the agreement untill now because of his shift it so so happened it would benefit our time too

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 16/10/2020 13:10

@Hover93

I'm not a new girlfriend weve been together years and never changed the agreement untill now because of his shift it so so happened it would benefit our time too
Heh, make your mind up, from the op: everybody needs some time especially new relationships.

Also, you said he didn't see them when you were first with him and she only allowed him to see them after he got together with you. Do try and keep up with your own story.

Notimeforaname · 16/10/2020 13:10

Hi op I have no idea why people keep reading your post wrong and repeating things that aren't true which you've corrected already!!

You and ur partner sound like lovely people to me. You dont s ok und like bad guys to me either.

You were seeing the children 8 times a month and with this alternative arrangement you are suggesting,it will still be 8 times a month. He pays more than he was instructed to amd buys their uniforms..he does slightly more than some live in dads I know.

It's not an ideal situation for any of you.
And I get you're not just looking for a break from them as you say you both are thinking about full custody.

But I do think you cant force their mum to change the days and I would leav it as it is. Even if it means dad not seeing then on Saturday with work.

I think it's not worth the hassle
With his ex...for a few free hours. Just comply.
It is about the kids after all.

Good luck

Halliehallie9828 · 16/10/2020 13:12

You say he pays £300 a month for 4 children like it’s something to be proud about.... that is nothing. It’s not even £20 a week per child Hmm

Notimeforaname · 16/10/2020 13:12

So many spelling mistakes 🙄