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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with a toxic EX, Am I being unreasonable?

183 replies

Hover93 · 16/10/2020 10:32

Ladies, I need your help. Me and my ex partner split up some time ago, we have 2 children together and we get on really well, have a good relationship co- parenting our girls and still being friends.

We both have new partners now, my new partner has 4 children two boys aged 15 and 13 and two girls ages 6 and 5. The boys are older an dont really like staying over they want to be on there computers or seeing their friends/girlfriends typical teenage boys however, the girls we have stay over.

This is where it gets difficult and I need advice regarding his difficult ex.

So we have his girls every Wednesday over night an take them school the next day and then give them tea on Thursday before taking them home and then we don't have them again untill the following Wednesday but then that week we have them Wednesday night, Friday night, Saturday night an take them home Sunday night. So basically every other weekend we have them all weekend. But still 8 times over the month. We told his ex we would start bringing the girls back at 2pm every Sunday so we had a couple of hours break before my girls came home an we had work the next day. But she refused an said we cannot bring them home untill bedtime as shes out and made plans as thats her weekend and its our problem to sort them.

My girls stay at there dads every Saturday night and sometimes 1 night in the week depending on what shifts he works. My partner has started a new job now which also requires him to work away some weeks, we have asked his ex if we can change the days having the girls from ever other full weekend to every Friday night instead. This would mean every Wednesday and Friday they stay with us, he even asked his mother if every other Saturday she would have the girls so his ex could still have a full weekend with no girls. The reason we wanted to change is because of his new job for one but also because the way it fell it meant we only had 2 days a month with no children to be able to do anything, I may sound like I'm being selfish but everybody needs some time especially new relationships.

Basically his ex has refused an said it doesnt suit her and the girls are in a routine with every other full weekend and thats how its staying. Without sounding petty and like I'm having a go at her the girls are not in any routine. Here is a couple of examples: last week we was told we can't drop the girls off untill 8pm on Sunday because she was out, 8pm came an she said she aint getting the girls she won't be back we will have to sort them David asked what time was there bedtime as it was a school night, she replied what ever time I put them to bed. So no routine which we already new anyway. So we kept the girls, bare in mind not only were they in school the next day but we also had no clothes/uniform for them alls they brought with them on the Friday was the clothes they were wearing, a coat and there tablets. We were not suprised by this anymore and had already bought an entire new wardrobe for the pair of them for when they are with us as they always looked homeless. The first time they came there bag consisted of 1 pair of knickers, 1 pair of leggings, 1 pyjama tshirt and 1 tshirt which was full of crusty food. Its really sad too see as they cry an want to take their stuff home when they go but I refuse as it doesn't come back.

The weekend that she is meant to have them she takes them to my partners mothers an she xmas them while she goes out or the boys look after them. I'm concerned for the girls in general, they sleep on metal camping beds, the only time they have a bath or shower is with us, they even questioned why we make them brush there teeth as they never have to do it at home, there late for school almost everyday even though the school in 10 doors down from there house, they even refuse to eat my food because "its tastes disgusting when its not made in a microwave"

We had to take the one of the boys shopping and buy him a toothbrush an toothpaste because they didn't have one and we found out for months he was either not brushing his teeth or having to use his brothers

Anyway so I've gone of a rant now but basically, I want to know of we are being unreasonable asking to change the days to every Wednesday and Friday instead of every other weekend?

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 16/10/2020 20:49

You DP isn't being unreasonable to want to discuss different contact arrangements because of a new job. But really he should have discussed this before taking the new job just as the main parents who has them the majority of the time has to when they look for a new job.

More importantly with what you've said about the girls' home life with their mother, he should be trying to work out how he can get the kids all the time, not just a night or two a week. Your description of their home life is one of neglect and as their father he needs to be trying to get them out of that environment.

DumplingsAndStew · 16/10/2020 20:53

@Notinterested93

I get less from my ex partner an it goes very far
You get less than that? So less than £150 pm since you have half the number of children? And it goes really far? Please, do share how that works, because even the Government thinks that's not enough to live on...
Ihatefish · 16/10/2020 20:54

Couldn’t actually get past the “we only have two days to ourselves” when there seems to be loads of kids involved. Then the mum complaining she wouldn’t have a child free weekend! We only have one and we have no free days! Is this what makes people divorce so they can palm their kids off for days at a time. I’d be heartbroken if I couldn’t see my child every day.

CoffeeInAnIV · 16/10/2020 21:00

There are four children being neglected. YABU. Contact social services and apply to have them full time.

lyralalala · 16/10/2020 21:24

@VanGoghsDog

As it stands, it's pretty simple - she has residency, access times are in place, he asked to change, she said no. End of story.

The only way to get your precious couple time is to go to court.

Or go to court for residency. Which would totally scupper your couple time.

The op states that they told the Mum they were changing times on the Sunday... might have got on better if he’d asked, or discussed it with her.
Notinterested93 · 16/10/2020 21:33

I get 50pm from my ex as thats all he can afford an I dont want to put him in financial difficulty he pays for them when they are with him an that is fine by me.

Newmumatlast · 16/10/2020 21:36

sorry but you're being extremely unreasonable. Why shouldn't your partner have his children in this sort of shared way. And why should he be able to dictate convenience around what works for his new partner and the children she already has? You knew he had children.

I also don't get the whole everyone needing time away from kids etc. Parents who stay together have their kids all the time unless they can get a sitter for an occasion. Why can't your partner do the same. Its not actually normal to not be responsible for your kids all of the time. When people split up its not that they want to see their kids less - most people surely miss them terribly and want to see them more. It would actually be a massive red flag for me if my partner wanted to see his child less to work around my child being away so he could see me on our own and not his child.

And i say that as a step mum so I'm not at all a bitter first family mum. I'm the second family

ispepsiokay · 16/10/2020 21:58

My partners children are being neglected, AIBU to insist they spend less quality time at our house as I need romantic time. Oh but when you meanies say I'm wrong I'll throw in the he is an amazing dad because he pays money to his kids and is 'thinking' about applying for full custody (residency)

Hey OP, why not tell your own children to come home less so your time with your partner isn't interrupted?

ihaveanidea33 · 16/10/2020 22:07

Sorry I only want to add if my exes partner was saying "we're going for full custody" of His and his exes children... that wouldn't go down too well with me as the mother. It's him that would be going for full custody. Not you.

ihaveanidea33 · 16/10/2020 22:11

Actually feel sorry for these girls. They are being pushed around by people who show little regard for them and what they actually want.

lyralalala · 16/10/2020 22:19

@Notinterested93

I get 50pm from my ex as thats all he can afford an I dont want to put him in financial difficulty he pays for them when they are with him an that is fine by me.
Just because you are happy for your ex to dodge paying doesn’t mean your partner is a hero for paying £300 for his 4 kids
DumplingsAndStew · 16/10/2020 22:23

@Notinterested93

I get 50pm from my ex as thats all he can afford an I dont want to put him in financial difficulty he pays for them when they are with him an that is fine by me.
And that "goes very far" in contributing to half of their needs and expenses? I doubt it's just your partner's kids that are being neglected then.
Newmumatlast · 16/10/2020 22:29

@Ihatefish

Couldn’t actually get past the “we only have two days to ourselves” when there seems to be loads of kids involved. Then the mum complaining she wouldn’t have a child free weekend! We only have one and we have no free days! Is this what makes people divorce so they can palm their kids off for days at a time. I’d be heartbroken if I couldn’t see my child every day.
same. It is a genuine worry of mine that it could happen. My relationship is a very happy one but you never know do you and I'd be devastated. I'd willingly change career, move cities and all sorts to be able to see her as much as possible and if a partner came between that they would go
ShebaShimmyShake · 16/10/2020 23:08

@Ihatefish

Couldn’t actually get past the “we only have two days to ourselves” when there seems to be loads of kids involved. Then the mum complaining she wouldn’t have a child free weekend! We only have one and we have no free days! Is this what makes people divorce so they can palm their kids off for days at a time. I’d be heartbroken if I couldn’t see my child every day.
I was also struck by everyone appearing to be driven by not wanting the children. Poor kids.
Imworthit · 16/10/2020 23:23

I voted YABU they have no decent clothes and you won't let them take their clothes home. You think they're neglected and you want to see them less. If their mum is as bad as you say then your just as bad.

Enoughnowstop · 16/10/2020 23:37

Is this what makes people divorce so they can palm their kids off for days at a time. I’d be heartbroken if I couldn’t see my child every day

ODFOD. You have absolutely no clue. Children of divorce are not palmed off. They are with one or other of their parents. I sure could cry every time my children spend time with their father but then what would be the point? Misery for misery’s sake? Divorce means juggling childcare with the reality of rebuilding your life. If that makes me a shit parent then so be it. But do be careful what you wish for. Plenty of people out there have to eat their words.

Imworthit · 17/10/2020 00:05

And the every week thing isn't really considering the kids. Getting shipped out every second weekend was hard enough. Never mind changing houses every couple of days. I missed out on so many friends things, birthdays, days out because I was always on custody time. Can't say there's a good solution for that but the kids will be exhausted by all this.

Also I call bullshit. You want routine but you want to change times to suite you as well. New relationship for years. Less time but full custody. Complain a mother of four doesn't work, but should be beholden to you & partners so you both can😂 cake and eat it much 🎂

Florencex · 17/10/2020 00:10

[quote Lolapusht]@Florencex did it occur to you that the reason the dad is only paying that amount is because he is in a low earning job and maybe had to accept a job with weekend shifts because not everyone has the opportunity to earn £50k with flexi time? Doesn’t sound like the mum does have them 90% of the time and she can’t provide them with a regular bedtime, make sure they brush their teeth or buy the son toothpaste.[/quote]
I don’t care what he earns. I am challenging OP when she states that £10 a week is “ more than enough” to keep a child.

Pinkyxx · 17/10/2020 00:37

6 kids between you, 2 of which your boyfriend doesn’t really see as they are ‘teens’ (??), he doesn’t know even the bedtime of the others despite your claiming you have overnights. You want to change contact arrangements to achieve child free weekends. The mother whom you paint as neglectful won’t agree, which you claim is unreasonable...you’re not remotely concerned about the welfare of these children simply judgemental about how the mother parent’s (or rather how you assume she parents). The mother is therefore defined as ‘toxic’ and you want advice on how to deal with her.

Really?

Given your clear disregard for the children and attitude towards their mother it’s doesn’t seem in their best interests for you to have any say at all.

VanGoghsDog · 17/10/2020 01:16

@Notinterested93

I get 50pm from my ex as thats all he can afford an I dont want to put him in financial difficulty he pays for them when they are with him an that is fine by me.
Another delightful race to the bottom.
vlnr77yac · 17/10/2020 03:11

Seriously? Why someone would get involved with a man with FOUR kids then complain about his kids schedules? It's called a dealbreaker.

A divorce lawyer friend of mine says new DH/GF's constantly insert themselves in children's schedules, maintenance etc so they're banned from his office.

Its people like you who give step mother's a bad name!

BritWifeinUSA · 17/10/2020 03:53

You’ve certainly got some venom for the mother of your boyfriend’s children. Like it it not, he chose her yo ge the mother of his child not once, not twice, not three times but 4 times. And one of those was only 5 years ago so she must have some good qualities. They were together a long time.

When you choose to shack up with a man who has 4 children with someone else there is going to have to be a lot of compromise. The children have to come first. They have done nothing wrong. And he should love the children more than you hate his ex. At the moment it seems to ge the other way around.

And don’t think he’s a hero for paying 300 quid a month for 4 children. That’s £2.42 per child per day. You can’t keep a dog on that amount, let alone a child. Got yourself a real winner here, eh?

Pippa12 · 17/10/2020 04:29

There are lots of jobs out there both DH and I would prefer, but we can’t because of childcare. Your partner has got himself a job that doesn’t work for childcare reasons, not his ex partners fault.

Childfree time every week with 6 kids between you??? Realistically how many people honestly have this luxury???

The mother is so terrible yet your happy to take them back every week where they are not washed and cared for properly?

I genuinely hope you’ve written this post in haste, and the replies have given your head a wobble. Poor kids.

MerchantOfVenom · 17/10/2020 04:42

So, you’ve - what? - 6 kids in the mix here?

Can I heartily recommend water-tight contraception, and not adding any more to the mix?

I mean, it shouldn’t have to be said, given you’re so keen for time away from kids, but something tells me it does need to be. Said, that is...

lunalulu · 17/10/2020 06:00

@slipperywhensparticus

The children are being neglected and you want to see them less? Wtf is wrong with you?
I just started reading the thread and I have to au I felt the same.

You should be having them all the time!

And I'm afraid that with him having four children, it's just par for the course that they have to come first and no, there's no right to free time with him alone. In my opinion/experience.