Dealing with a toxic EX, Am I being unreasonable?

[Hover93]

Ladies, I need your help. Me and my ex partner split up some time ago, we have 2 children together and we get on really well, have a good relationship co- parenting our girls and still being friends.

We both have new partners now, my new partner has 4 children two boys aged 15 and 13 and two girls ages 6 and 5. The boys are older an dont really like staying over they want to be on there computers or seeing their friends/girlfriends typical teenage boys however, the girls we have stay over.

This is where it gets difficult and I need advice regarding his difficult ex.

So we have his girls every Wednesday over night an take them school the next day and then give them tea on Thursday before taking them home and then we don't have them again untill the following Wednesday but then that week we have them Wednesday night, Friday night, Saturday night an take them home Sunday night. So basically every other weekend we have them all weekend. But still 8 times over the month. We told his ex we would start bringing the girls back at 2pm every Sunday so we had a couple of hours break before my girls came home an we had work the next day. But she refused an said we cannot bring them home untill bedtime as shes out and made plans as thats her weekend and its our problem to sort them.

My girls stay at there dads every Saturday night and sometimes 1 night in the week depending on what shifts he works. My partner has started a new job now which also requires him to work away some weeks, we have asked his ex if we can change the days having the girls from ever other full weekend to every Friday night instead. This would mean every Wednesday and Friday they stay with us, he even asked his mother if every other Saturday she would have the girls so his ex could still have a full weekend with no girls. The reason we wanted to change is because of his new job for one but also because the way it fell it meant we only had 2 days a month with no children to be able to do anything, I may sound like I'm being selfish but everybody needs some time especially new relationships.

Basically his ex has refused an said it doesnt suit her and the girls are in a routine with every other full weekend and thats how its staying. Without sounding petty and like I'm having a go at her the girls are not in any routine. Here is a couple of examples: last week we was told we can't drop the girls off untill 8pm on Sunday because she was out, 8pm came an she said she aint getting the girls she won't be back we will have to sort them David asked what time was there bedtime as it was a school night, she replied what ever time I put them to bed. So no routine which we already new anyway. So we kept the girls, bare in mind not only were they in school the next day but we also had no clothes/uniform for them alls they brought with them on the Friday was the clothes they were wearing, a coat and there tablets. We were not suprised by this anymore and had already bought an entire new wardrobe for the pair of them for when they are with us as they always looked homeless. The first time they came there bag consisted of 1 pair of knickers, 1 pair of leggings, 1 pyjama tshirt and 1 tshirt which was full of crusty food. Its really sad too see as they cry an want to take their stuff home when they go but I refuse as it doesn't come back.

The weekend that she is meant to have them she takes them to my partners mothers an she xmas them while she goes out or the boys look after them. I'm concerned for the girls in general, they sleep on metal camping beds, the only time they have a bath or shower is with us, they even questioned why we make them brush there teeth as they never have to do it at home, there late for school almost everyday even though the school in 10 doors down from there house, they even refuse to eat my food because "its tastes disgusting when its not made in a microwave"

We had to take the one of the boys shopping and buy him a toothbrush an toothpaste because they didn't have one and we found out for months he was either not brushing his teeth or having to use his brothers

Anyway so I've gone of a rant now but basically, I want to know of we are being unreasonable asking to change the days to every Wednesday and Friday instead of every other weekend?

YABU, you can't change the standing arrangements just for it to suit you. It seems strange you say there is signs of neglect, yet you want to see them less, if that is true it doesn't paint you in a good light.

Yabu. The ex is definitely not the toxic one

I agree with the others and would also add that you seem to want a medal for the fact their father has bought them clothes to wear when at his, because their feckless mother doesn't send them. Why should she? It's not her responsibility to provide for their children when they're with him.

Why don't you change the time your ex has your girls (eg to EOW to match his kids) so that you have more time with your DP? Why do you have to mess contact arrangements around with DPs ex who is already dealing with 4 children at very different ages and stages? It sounds really stressful for her. I just have the one 8 yo and find I really make the most of EOW he is with his Dad to get stuff done and decompress a bit (although I miss him of course!). Maybe she needs more support with the children especially as she has the older 2 all the time.

The ex's neglect of the girls is a side issue and should be dealt with separately.

Poor kids everyone’s try to gob them off onto someone else.
The bit about bringing dirty clothes and crying to take your clothes home with them is heartbreaking too.
Your partner needs to address the non bathing & teeth brushing with his ex partner - those girls will be picked on for bad hygiene.

OP what do you think parents who have their kids full time do? I'm a lone parent, am I entitled to child free time? You sound as though you are putting your wants far above the children's needs here.

The only reason there should be for returning them early on the Sunday is because of school the next day and it might be better for them.

Your current contact with them is pretty 'normal'. I don't understand why you don't have your children every other weekend? They don't see much of their father and you get every Saturday off. Do the children from the two families ever mix?

I may sound like I'm being selfish but everybody needs some time especially new relationships.
Hahahahaha.

Try that when there is no family help at all!!
And how 'new' is your relationship?

Oh, and btw. If your partner was a decent dad, he'd be going to court for full custody if his children are that neglected.

You both suspect that they're being neglected, so want to see them LESS?!

YABU how do you think people who stay together with children cope with no days off childfree?

@Starlight39

Why don't you change the time your ex has your girls (eg to EOW to match his kids) so that you have more time with your DP? Why do you have to mess contact arrangements around with DPs ex who is already dealing with 4 children at very different ages and stages? It sounds really stressful for her. I just have the one 8 yo and find I really make the most of EOW he is with his Dad to get stuff done and decompress a bit (although I miss him of course!). Maybe she needs more support with the children especially as she has the older 2 all the time.

The ex's neglect of the girls is a side issue and should be dealt with separately.

Why should the OP's ex only see his kids EOW, when they're settled in every Saturday just because the OP wants some alone time with her partner?

They have every other Saturday to themselves when her kids are with their Dad and he doesn't have his kids - that's more than most other couple with 6 kids between them will have!

This is funny. Of course YABU - he is their dad and has responsibilities.

I'm also not convinced about neglect. How much does your DP pay in maintenance? Because I can't help wondering if the children arrive in bad clothes because their mother doesn't see why she should have to provide things for them while they're with him. The girls are still young so what was happening before - I had a friend whose ex refused to buy nappies for their daughter when he had her so she had to provide a weekend's worth of nappies or risk her DD coming back with nappy rash. Somehow, I can't help suspecting similar here.

The girls' mother not being home at the agreed time is not good, I'd agree, but I am dubious about the overall situation and can't help thinking you're trying to paint her in a bad light. I also don't understand why you think you have th right to change things for these girls so you get some more time to yourself. That's now how it works with children.

If his children are being neglected by their mother, your partner should do more, not less.

With 6 kids to juggle, time together as a couple is a luxury most don't get and you just have to deal with it. Get a babysitter and go out for a couple of hours. Even if that's just sitting in the car having a chat.

Ok let me get one thing straight as clearly I've not portrayed it correctly. The arrangement was made when we was together to have them as previously she wouldn't let them come at all!!

He isn't losing any days with his kids nor has he said he wants less time with them hes simply changing his days to EVERY week instead of every other week, and its not only so we have time together its because his new jobs requires him to work away an work some weekends.

In reply to the comment when does the mother get her weekend she has every single weekend as she takes them to his parents where he also sees them too. The reason for the change was for 1. The girls have a better routine set in stone they know every single week they are with their dad every Wednesday an Friday. 2. Because my partners new job makes every other weekend tricky. 4. Because it wasn't fair his mother having the children every other weekend so his ex could go to the pub and Lastly 4. Yes, so we had a few hours with each other.

Yes I agree we got together knowing full well what things would be like but changing the arrangement to suit me is not what this was IN THE SLIGHTEST.

And I'm not dictating the contact time, when the girls are with us we have days out, even if its just a little picnic on the park, go picking supply's from the forest making pictures ect. As for fully custody its something we are actually thinking of doing anyway.

And as for the somebody elses comment I have 2 children to my ex and he has 4 to his ex. So 6 children in total but 3 are teenagers. He does see his boys they come round every other day have tea with us ect go park play football they stay when they want to, just don't have set days to stay over unlike the girls who need a routine as they are younger.

Her deciding the girls should stay was because she travelled to Blackpool on a drinking session with her new boyfriend instead of getting the kids like she was supposed to.

As for their bed time they have a set bedtime with us but the girls said they don't have bedtimes at home, he was simply trying to get her to confirm as there communication is minimal due to always arguing.

You need to do more not less!!

Also you only have them every other weekend and then 1 night in the week. It’s not exactly a lot!! 8 times a month?! Wow wee... and you want to drop it? Bit of a joke.

His ex neglects his children and he isn't pushing for full custody but actually trying to look after them less??

Real prince you've taken up with there 🤨

And wtf child free days? Parents don't get those. Just because you've arranged to be child free EOW, this is not normal. Child free time is the very odd exception not the rule when you have opted to have kids or to be with someone who has kids.

But yes, if the mum is as bad as you say your partner should be trying for resident parent status. If your ex treated your DDs that way, would you let him look after her most of the time just so you had shagging time???

Oh wow. Those poor children. Sounds like you and your DP don't want them around and their mum is apparently neglecting them (which is hard to believe on just your say so).

The amount your DP has them to stay over seems standard to me. Your DP will get no medals for providing them with clothing for his time with them. Thats basic parenting.

You have six children between you, something you knew when you got involved with your DP. Why on earth would you be entitled to 'relationship time' to the detriment of the children or their mother? I'm glad to hear she is sticking to boundaries with regards to weekends.

Not sure who you think you are tbh. Its between your DP and his ex. Keep your beak out. Please don't bring anymore children into this mess.

He done a calculation online for how much he should be paying which was £218 a month he didn't see this as reasonable so pays her £300 a month, plus the boys are at ours eating every other day an when we do have the girls so hes paying more than enough. I'm not changing it for my time he asked to change it to a weekly thing and sees them the exact same amount of time mainly due to work.

@Hover93

Ok let me get one thing straight as clearly I've not portrayed it correctly. The arrangement was made when we was together to have them as previously she wouldn't let them come at all!!

He isn't losing any days with his kids nor has he said he wants less time with them hes simply changing his days to EVERY week instead of every other week, and its not only so we have time together its because his new jobs requires him to work away an work some weekends.

In reply to the comment when does the mother get her weekend she has every single weekend as she takes them to his parents where he also sees them too. The reason for the change was for 1. The girls have a better routine set in stone they know every single week they are with their dad every Wednesday an Friday. 2. Because my partners new job makes every other weekend tricky. 4. Because it wasn't fair his mother having the children every other weekend so his ex could go to the pub and Lastly 4. Yes, so we had a few hours with each other.

Yes I agree we got together knowing full well what things would be like but changing the arrangement to suit me is not what this was IN THE SLIGHTEST.

And I'm not dictating the contact time, when the girls are with us we have days out, even if its just a little picnic on the park, go picking supply's from the forest making pictures ect. As for fully custody its something we are actually thinking of doing anyway.

And as for the somebody elses comment I have 2 children to my ex and he has 4 to his ex. So 6 children in total but 3 are teenagers. He does see his boys they come round every other day have tea with us ect go park play football they stay when they want to, just don't have set days to stay over unlike the girls who need a routine as they are younger.

Her deciding the girls should stay was because she travelled to Blackpool on a drinking session with her new boyfriend instead of getting the kids like she was supposed to.

As for their bed time they have a set bedtime with us but the girls said they don't have bedtimes at home, he was simply trying to get her to confirm as there communication is minimal due to always arguing.

Your OP says... We told his ex we would start bringing the girls back at 2pm every Sunday so we had a couple of hours break before my girls came home an we had work the next day.

No mention of job or girls routine or anything like that. All about you.

And the comment about protecting his Mum from having them too much is also a joke as you asked her to have them every other weekend yourselves.

Own it for what you said. You want more time together. People pointed out you were unreasonable.

Backtracking and re-writing history doesn't make you look any better.

He isn't trying to get them less hes trying to get them every week instead of every other week!!

Its the exact same amount of time if not more.

I find it very hard to believe that you could take this awful, neglectful attitude towards children whom you know are being neglected.

You need to deal with school and social services and take over their full-time care, otherwise you’re as bad as their mother.
NOTHING ELSE IS ACCEPTABLE.

Although since you apparently need strangers on the internet to explain basic human decency to you, I suspect you won’t.

We said his mum could have them every other Saturday so she wasn't getting them all weekend every other weekend when we didn't have them.

This way we have them every Friday and all day Saturday, which would also mean his mum didn't then have to get them.

The update doesn't change much. You both still seem terribly self absorbed.

Why would your DP take a job that would make it awkward to see his children? Why do all the changes revolve around you and what you want? What does your DP say in all of this? Where is the comsideration for the children.

And no, £300 a month is not enough for four children. Its a pittance.

What do you mean you're "thinking about" full custody? It's a no brainer if they are neglected as you describe, and what a room was he taking when she wouldn't let him see his kids at all?? Jesus he sounds really slack on the parenting department. Please don't have any more kids with him.

And if you are "thinking about" full custody, why are you actually asking to reduce his time with them - two school evening every week instead of actual quality weekend downtime? Doesn't sound like either of you are mature or unselfish enough to step up to being full time parents to any of the poor kids you've made.

If he actually gave a shit about the apparent neglect he'd be taking them on a Friday every week as well.

But I guess that doesn't fit in with the drip-feed job issues.

Its something we have been looking into