My DH thinks he should be applauded for only wanting a baby to make me happy..

[severusbadgerfox]

DH and I have been discussing having a child for a number of months

In July he said “let’s have a baby, we will make a great team”

Numerous positive comments since then

We put our house up for sale to accommodate another child. We can afford this

I got my coil removed two weeks ago. He drove me to the appointment

We had even lightheartedly discussed baby names and a theme for the nursery..

Side note: in a previous life I’ve had miscarriages into double figures. Last night over a cup of tea - the conversation went something like this:

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

WTF. I can barely look at him. Obviously now I’m definitely not going to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to make me happy..

But seriously? AIBU to feel very off about this? Or am I being dramatic. I feel like he has lied to me, or misled me. He feels like he should be commended for this act of selflessness 👀

YNBU! what a shitty thing to say!

Ah, that's hard. Reading what he's said previously, and then what he said in that moment, it sounds like he might have being trying -hamfistedly- to remove the pressure from you?

He said he really loves you - you know him best. What do you think his intention would have been in that moment? Is he good at articulating his feelings generally? That would determine my response.

You told him you would shelve the idea in 6 months, did he maybe say it to make on he wouldn't be disappointed if it doesn't happen?

But yeah it's not the greatest of things to hear!

I think a lot of men, if they're being honest, only have kids for that reason. I suspect it's part of the reason you see so many complaints about parental imbalances.
Men who actively want children do exist, but they probably wouldn't be as keen on "shelving" the idea.

It sounds like he's said that to make you feel better but worded it all wrong as most men do.
Go for it and I'll be keeping everything crossed for you x

Definitely not great to hear but he finally come up with truth before you started to conceive do giving you the power to decide what to do.

If this is how he feels, then that's how he feels. It could change but right now, he isn't feeling broody.

I also think it sounds like hes trying to keep it pressure free.
He might also have nicely tried to say he only wants one WITH you, if you know what I mean, but ballsed it up.

Mmm I think he's said that to make you feel less pressure too as his behaviour this does not seem like a man that isn't interested ☺️

Be really careful. I know a few men who just went along with their partner when she wanted a baby and these relationships have now broken down.

A lot of men do not cope with the reality of family life, especially if they didn’t really want it in the first place.

It's horrible. He adores me, and I adore him too

But why make out like you want a baby? This is not a puppy or a car. Just say you don't want one. Do not say you do, and then say - "well I don't really but I want you to be happy so yeah love, it's the same thing"

He's actually baffled at why I'm upset. I'm not even that upset at the prospect of not having a baby - possibly the miscarriage mindset and having spent years coming to terms with possibly not having any - but fuck me - when someone tells me they want something, I tend to believe them. Turns out that's not the case in my marriage

I think a lot of men, if they're being honest, only have kids for that reason.

Agree with this. It's better to know now, OP. But I'd be upset since he seemingly brought it up first.

To be honest most men I know didn't want children until they actually had them. I think what he said came out a bit badly but I don't think his actual feeling is all that unusual.

when someone tells me they want something, I tend to believe them. Turns out that's not the case in my marriage

I'm sorry, I understand how that stings. I hope you can tell him how you feel so it doesn't fester.

We have been having unprotected sex - I think I feel so off because if we hadn't had that conversation last night then I'd be none the wiser - tootling along thinking my husband wants to have a baby when really

Probably unreasonable in that he's prioritising my happiness above his own but I am not the woman who has a baby without us both actively wanting one. Everyone loses, especially a little baby

But you are part of his decision making process. He would rather have a baby and a happy wife than no baby and an unhappy wife.

That's a valid decision, he feels more strongly about you than the theoretical baby.

I think he was trying to take the pressure off you too. Don’t take it to heart, he’s trying to be supportive as I’m guessing he knows about your previous losses x

I think this was probably just a stupid attempt to make you feel better OP. 😁

Had you discussed your desires or otherwise to have children before now? Before marriage even? That would give a better idea if he is trying to take pressure off or if he’s genuinely not interested

I had a child because my DH wanted one, I was ambivalent to the idea- neither opposed or invested in the idea of having children, but it mattered to him so I went for it. I love my DD and we do make a great team. He might have said it bluntly, and you may have believed he intrinsically wanted children because of the positivity associated with the conversation. Maybe some relationship counselling would help?

I would be just as upset, but I don't think he meant it badly

DH wouldn't have had children if I didn't want one. He is now begging for another!

My husband said similar to me after a good 5 years or so TTC. I wanted to look into adoption. He said he would do it if it was important to me but he wasn't that pushed on having a kid. 5 YEARS after we started trying he came out with this. So I think I understand what you're feeling. Genuinely it was my husband's fucked up way of taking pressure off me- I think that's likely the case here with your husband too TBH.(Side note we have 2 kids now, not adopted, natural happy surprises)

It was very much a "we will see what happens and how we feel"

I turned 30 recently and it was my husband who said - if we're gonna do this, we should probably get on with it..

He even made me a cuppa and brought my vitamins out to me yesterday. He's still rabbiting on this afternoon and saying if I want a baby then excellent, let's go 👏🏼

But he doesn't actually want one 😳

My mind is blown

I think he was trying to make you feel better like oh I'm not bothered if you can't get pregnant, as not to make you feel bad/guilty for being unable to conceive. I think it came from a good place. I'd go easy on him personally.

All he is saying is that he is not broody. He wants a baby but mainly because he knows you want one. That doesn't mean he won't welcome the news that your pregnant and be overly emotional and happy when they are born.

One of the first things I asked DH when we first started going out, was did he want to get married and have (more) children? (he has a daughter from a previous marriage) I wouldn't have carried on dating him if he didn't because I've always wanted to be a mum

How can you marry someone and not know where they stand on things like having kids?