My DH thinks he should be applauded for only wanting a baby to make me happy..

[severusbadgerfox]

DH and I have been discussing having a child for a number of months

In July he said “let’s have a baby, we will make a great team”

Numerous positive comments since then

We put our house up for sale to accommodate another child. We can afford this

I got my coil removed two weeks ago. He drove me to the appointment

We had even lightheartedly discussed baby names and a theme for the nursery..

Side note: in a previous life I’ve had miscarriages into double figures. Last night over a cup of tea - the conversation went something like this:

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

WTF. I can barely look at him. Obviously now I’m definitely not going to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to make me happy..

But seriously? AIBU to feel very off about this? Or am I being dramatic. I feel like he has lied to me, or misled me. He feels like he should be commended for this act of selflessness 👀

I think you have been to hard on him.

It's you projecting your fear of disaapointment. I know mamy men that were ambivalent until the babies were born. Who then became exxellent fathers ( unlike the pp on this thread who only know feckless ones. I know of two twats in my entire wider group of hundreds. Obv disclaimer of behind closed doors etc. But those in my close circle all engage happily and properly with their children and family life. All.

I think he sounds refreshingly honest.

I think more women are broody than men, but many men love their partners so much they want to do things that make them happy- and many men know that broodiness is a real and deeply felt thing for women.
Having said that I think thankfully most men step up to the plate and are good fathers, form real and loving attachments with their children.

But he does want a baby OP - to make you happy. People want them for all sorts of reasons. I was similar to your DH, not bothered but would have one to make him happy, now we both adore our daughter. I think you are overthinking this.

@severusbadgerfox

Sorry to clarify -

He doesn't want one. He said he would love the baby if/when it came and be hands on - but if it was up to him then he wouldn't have children

I don't think this has anything to do with easing pressure. He does not have that yearning

🤷🏽‍♀️ He's perfectly entitled to feel how he does but I wish he'd stop thinking he's husband of the year

Op I don't think his attitude is that different to lots of men. If they come and they're with the right woman, cool. If not, bit they still have the right woman, that's fine. I don't know any guy who yearned for a baby the same way my female friends and I did

@Daisydoesnt

OP I'm sorry but I actually think you are being really, really unfair on your DH.

You obviously and rightly have incredibly complex feelings about TTC, and he naturally is very anxious about the whole thing, and is trying to do and say the right thing. From what you've said he's trying to protect you ('life will go on if it turns out we can't have a baby, 'I love you more than anything) and himself from potential devastating blow of MC.

Judge people by their actions and not just their words, because none of us are half as eloquent as we'd like to be. From the sounds of the moving house, fetching vitamins, and planning the nursery, he is as keen as any partner could be knowing the hell you must have been through in recent years.

100% this.

Many people don’t actively say what they want. They reserve a part of their commitment for fear it might not happen. He’s doing everything to support you. He’s showing you what he wants but telling you it’ll be ok if not purely because he doesn’t want you to suffer if it doesn’t happen.

Haven't rtft
My dh and I both agreed to have children as we wanted to be a family with children, but it was a head decision, neither of us were broody as such. The day before my baby was born I still want sure how I would feel towards it. I feel madly in love so I was sorted, it took dh a little longer to fall in love, but he was fully committed to being a parent, pulled his weight and gave it his all. Ds had a minor accident say 9 months and had an hour in a&e... That was when dh knew he loved him, but you would never have known that outwardly.
We are our two dc now and can't imagine life without them. But it was a head choice not a heart led decision for both of us... Doesn't mean you aren't serious or committed.
I think you know your dh but have another conversation to try to understand where you are each coming from. I don't think it's show over myself if he is serious and committed.

I think you're being unreasonable here OP. He said he wanted one, you said you were only willing to try for 6 months and then would "shelve the idea" and know you're cross for him agreeing? It's either self preservation for his feelings (I do this) or he's wanting to play it down so not to put pressure on you (my DH does this).

Adore our two dc now. 🙄

It could be so you won’t feel disappointed for him
If it doesn’t happen?

Men don’t get broody. Anyone who doubts this doesn’t know many men. If couples waited to have children until men really, truly wanted them, the human race would have died out millions of years ago.

Huge numbers of men are ambivalent, at best, about having children and the main reason they agree to do so is that the women they love are desperate to be mothers, and men want their partners to be happy.

But he does want a baby OP - to make you happy. People want them for all sorts of reasons. I was similar to your DH, not bothered but would have one to make him happy, now we both adore our daughter. I think you are overthinking this.

cretelover- I agree.

I spent all of my 20s very happy to be child free, didn't meet my OH until I was 36, by then I was ambivalent about having kids.
My OH was very broody and keen to be a father, so I agreed to start a family.
I love being a parent and love my children, so glad they are in my life.

But honestly if I had remained child free I think I would also have a happy life.
I understand where the OPs OH is coming from.

To be honest if my dh had said he didn't want kids i wouldn't have minded. I might have thought it was a sliding doors thing, as in- if I'd met a different man who really wanted kids I'd be a mum, but I didn't so I won't.
It would have been a non issue. So I suppose I'm like your dh. I am still thrilled with my family and wouldn't change a thing, and I was the one caring the baby doing the breast feeding etc.
Some people aren't broody, doesn't mean they don't mean it when they say let's make a baby.

From what you've said he's trying to protect you ('life will go on if it turns out we can't have a baby, 'I love you more than anything) and himself from potential devastating blow of MC.

Judge people by their actions and not just their words, because none of us are half as eloquent as we'd like to be. From the sounds of the moving house, fetching vitamins, and planning the nursery, he is as keen as any partner could be knowing the hell you must have been through in recent years.

I agree with this.

He wants to reassure you that he won't be disappointed in you or in life or the Universe or whatever if you miscarry, rather than telling you that he doesn't want a baby full stop.

He wants you not to feel pressured to achieve a successful pregnancy.

I think you are overthinking this.

I've had multiple MCs too, and it changes how you approach the prospect of pregnancy and parenthood.

Please don’t take his comment too much to heart.
My dh has been the most fantastic dad*, but I honestly don’t think he was that bothered when we started trying - he was just going along with what I wanted. He showed very little interest and zero excitement when I first thought I was pregnant (I was) - back in the days before you could buy tests over the counter. It did upset me a bit when I was so excited.

Once the baby was actually there it was so very different, and I do think quite a few men are much the same.
*He’s a lovely grandpa now, too.

In fact the more I think about it, I only wanted a baby because my dh is who he is. If he wasn't ace, and I knew he would be a brilliant dad, and we make a good team, I wouldn't have touched the idea with a ten foot barge pole.
I'm definitely your dh. But I can see how to some people it could sound like a very clinical way to make a decision to bring a baby into the world. But look at the children created from a passionate desire to make a baby, strong broody feelings etc etc... Doesn't guarantee you a decent set of parents or a lifetime of love.
Talk to him, lots, see if you can get him to explain his motives in a way that makes sense to you, while being true but without underlining your impression that he's going along with a plan that is for you only. Cos I think this is a communication issue not a dh issue.

Your husband is just like millions of other men, until he has his baby in his arms he will be non comittal. Also, with your history there is the possibility he is putting on the bandage for both of you before having a wound. So, don´t be so black and white with him.

If you believe that a woman is always the gatekeeper of her own fertility and has the full and final say in whether or not a viable pregnancy continues, then a man is ultimately powerless to decide if a baby is born or not. Thus men may feel that, whilst they can express a willingness to TTC, it's not really up to them to be committed or involved until the point at which the baby arrives. They may even think they are overstepping the mark if they do.

There was a programme on Radio 4 some time ago about men whose partners were pregnant, but had decided to have abortions, whilst the men were desperate to be fathers, but obviously had no say in it. I can imagine that some develop a defence mechanism in deliberately not making any assumptions or getting up any hopes until the baby is actually here.

Sounds like he's not bothered ether way

I know this is an anecdote and that means nothing on a population level etc. But my husband and I were chatting recently about how only one of his friends wanted to be a father. He even ended his marriage as his wife decided she didn't want children. The rest of them had children because their wives wanted to. The friend who was desperate to be a father eventually met someone, later in life than the others, and they had a baby and he is the one who hates fatherhood and does anything to avoid looking after his own child. The rest of them took to it like a duck to water and are very hands on.

I wonder if in his case he had built it up so much in his head that the reality could only be a disappointment.

im not sure youre thinking straight on this

men dont get broody they dont get excitment they dont have the same ghormones

saying that i know someone eager to have a baby then got bored of him after about a year so it doesnt mean anything

He's a good man and I love him very much - what more is there to say really? Don't let this slip through your fingers over a little (yes it IS little) misunderstanding. How many women would give their right arm to be able to say this?

I am not saying that deciding to have children is a little thing; but that this impasse is over something little; over him using words that you have leapt on, because you are (very understandably) feeling sensitive about it all. Your memories of getting pregnant are full of emotion and sadness for you.

He is happy to try and have children with you. Be happy with that and do not pick at it.

The crux of the matter is: can you cope with the idea of trying for a baby and risking going through further miscarriages? That is the real challenge for you; and I wish you luck with this and hope things go well for you both.

I think this is actually true for a numher of men - hear me out! They don't necessarily get that overwhelming hormonal urge, but they may still like the idea and think well if she really wants one let's see what happens. Then they adore the baby when it's here.

You need to talk to him.

If you can afford it I would suggest it is worth getting a few sessions of counselling to talk things through.

Haha. I didn't want a baby except for my DH (I'm a woman), I did it to make him happy! If making him happy meant having a baby, then I wanted that baby.

Fast forward many years and more than one child, and now he's the one saying he could have lived a life well lived without kids

But seriously, if both of you can take or leave it, DON'T have children. They're bloody hard work, expensive, impact every part of your life and frankly are of questionable value on a logical analysis. If you're ambivalent about having kids, enjoy your lives as they are without.

Hi OP

I feel for you, I think he shouldn't have mis-led you, the fact that he suggested to have a baby would to most people imply he actively wanted one - it's a fair assumption to make.

But I wouldn't rule out not having one just because of that. People have children for all sorts of reasons - a significant proportion are accidental, some people have them to please their partner, to fix a marriage etc etc. And when the babies arrive then they are loved and people would still choose to have them if they could go back and actively choose. What I'm trying to say is that in his mind it's still a valid reason to have a baby and he still might want one when the alternative is you being unhappy. If he thinks he would love it when it was there, he wouldn't be likely to regret it.

Me and my husband were both on the fence about having kids. For years. He was a bit more keen on it than me but found it harder when they arrived. No one knows whether they are going to enjoy it or be good at it. I just mean it's a massive leap of faith even if you both think you actively want it

Having a baby because someone wants one is a horrific idea. Shelve it altogether!!