My DH thinks he should be applauded for only wanting a baby to make me happy..

[severusbadgerfox]

DH and I have been discussing having a child for a number of months

In July he said “let’s have a baby, we will make a great team”

Numerous positive comments since then

We put our house up for sale to accommodate another child. We can afford this

I got my coil removed two weeks ago. He drove me to the appointment

We had even lightheartedly discussed baby names and a theme for the nursery..

Side note: in a previous life I’ve had miscarriages into double figures. Last night over a cup of tea - the conversation went something like this:

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

WTF. I can barely look at him. Obviously now I’m definitely not going to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to make me happy..

But seriously? AIBU to feel very off about this? Or am I being dramatic. I feel like he has lied to me, or misled me. He feels like he should be commended for this act of selflessness 👀

My DH wasn't fussed either way about having children - he wasn't against it but wouldn't have minded if I didn't want children. He adores our DS, is an excellent, hands on father, and we plan to try for another some time next year.

@thepeopleversuswork

I'm not sure that is the general consensus tbh, as I mentioned in another post, we've also heard from posters where the situation was reversed; the woman "wasn't bothered" but had children because her partner did.

What are "good" motivations for wanting a child is a huge philosophical question and everyone will have different views. Whether wanting them not for your own sake, but because your partner does is a good enough reason is an individual opinion.

I think my husband is concerned that I'll blame him for stopping us having a baby

So he's saying loudly and clearly - have one

Doesn't want one but equally doesn't want me potentially resenting him in five years time

He isn't saying he doesn't want kids though, he's saying he wants a family with you and is enthusiastically engaging with it all.

If you no longer want a child with him for this reason, OP, that's entirely your right, though.

Maybe he is subconsciously worried about miscarriage again. He might be letting you now he is happy if you're happy he wants what you want?

I think if they were being totally honest a large amount of men would say the same sort of thing.

Of course there are men who really do want children but a lot don't seem to care one way or another and quite a few don't particularly want them but have them because their wife/partner wants them and/or "it's what you do"!

I agree with previous posters that a lot of men probably feel like this, but wouldn't say it out loud.

Don't overthink it. If you adore each other, then what is the problem? All of marriage is a compromise. He is saying he loves you so much, he is willing to do it. That doesn't mean he won't love the baby. Or that he won't be a good father.

Do you think that rather than taking the pressure of you, he's (possibly subconsciously) trying not to get too attached to the idea, because he knows it may not be possible? People talk themselves into and out of things as a way of coping psychologically. If you have low expectations then you can't be disappointed iyswim.

And I don't mean to derail. But I just don't accept the general premise of most of these posts that a bloke has to be chipped away at and manipulaed until he finally caves. I do think a man who is actively up for being a father is far more likely to be a better and more engaged father.

I accept that my views on this are probably tainted by my upbringing but all the men I know who were desperate to be fathers are very traditional religious types who see motherhood as a woman's only value in life and are not hands on fathers at all.

Conversely my husband was adamant he didn't want children. When we had an unplanned pregnancy I cried for months because I thought our marriage was over. He had no interest in the pregnancy at all, although he was very kind and looked after me when I was ill (and I was very ill and spent a lot of time in hospital). When our first child was born he cried tears of joy (the only time I've ever really seen him cry) and was besotted. He did night time feeds, nappy changes, everything.

The problem is that you have no idea what sort of parent anyone will be until they are one. And then it's too late. Loads of men are reluctant but turn out great. Loads are reluctant and are, as expected, rubbish. Loads are enthusiastic but rubbish when the baby arrives and loads are enthusiastic and are great when the baby arrives.

I very much interpreted it differently, as "hey don't worry, I'm not fussed, don't feel bad for me" as against "I'll do what you want but blame you if it goes tits up as I told you what I thought".

But you know him best, which is more likely?

Oh heavens OP - cut this poor man a bit of slack! He is trying to do and say the right thing and you are taking it apart word by word!

There is no right time to have children; there is no way any couple go into it entirely clear what they are letting themselves in for; many men feel that they have children because it is what their wives want. And what happens? - in the vast majority of cases a happy family.

I think you need to examine your own attitude here - you are, entirely understandably, very anxious about having another miscarriage. Maybe you are almost afraid to try. If you make a big deal about what he has said, then you can offload the "blame" for not trying onto him.

Go and talk to someone outside the situation - someone you trust - even a counsellor. Your feelings sound very mixed up to me for you to be being so harsh on your OH, who clearly loves you very much.

Be careful what you are throwing away.

What Tutti said. I also think he is just being honest - plenty of men I know were just not bothered about kids and would happily have not had any if their partner had not wanted them.

True fact:
Men love women
Women love children
Children love hamsters

Your DH has come out and said what a lot of men quietly feel. The vast majority will nevertheless turn out to be perfectly competent dads who adore their kids.

CoalCraft

But there's a vast difference in the likely outcome between a man who ends up having children but "isn't fussed" and a woman who ends up having them and "isn't fussed".

The man who "isn't fussed" is very likely to fall back on that when he decides changing nappies and night feeds isn't his thing. That option is never going to be open to the woman.

Your point about the vast range of reasons for wanting a child and their validity is a good one, but I'm concerned about the outcomes. If a man can argue he only went along with it to shut the woman up it's far more likely that he can argue his way out of participating in family life afterwards.

I just find it depressing that we expect so little of them.

I can understand that must have been upsetting to hear when you thought you were on the same page but equally I think you are probably only focusing on the negatives a little. I get the impression from lots of Men that they are possibly less attached to the idea of having a baby than their partner but equally they know that if / when the kid comes along they will love it 100%. I know a guy well who literally said to me - "I'd rather not have kids but I love my wife and she'll leave me if I say no, so we are having kids". He adores them (all 4 of them!) now, of course.

Are you upset because of the way he feels (which he can't control) or the way he managed it (which obviously he can)? If you are upset because you want him to really want a kid and he doesn't then to some extent you need to try and put that behind you IMO. He wasn't desperate for a kid but he loves you, he thinks you'd make a great team and he's going ahead with it. Did he actually say anything disingenuous? It doesn't sound to me like he did from your post.

You can be upset because you are not quite on the same page as you thought, or you can choose to take the view that he was doing what he felt was the right thing for you and for your relationship, in the knowledge that people always love their kids when they come along, even if they weren't desperate for one to start off with. He loves you and think you will make great parents together.

I would be so upset by this too. I've had miscarriages in a previous relationship too. And my DP has also done this sort of thing of saying yes, let's have a baby then later oh, actually, if we don't that'd be fine too. Not quite as bad but I was gutted.

I think that, for me, the reason I was so gutted was that I just needed someone else to do the emotionally risky bit of getting all-in invested in the possibility of a pregnancy. I wanted my DP to be the one saying 'yay, BABY!' so I could reserve a tiny bit of myself in case I did miscarry again.

Do you think that might be part of it? If it's not please excuse me. But I just thought it might be that as it was for me.

I think you are reading too much into this a bit

Most men I'd say wouldn't come out and say I WANT a child - most of the time the conversation goes like this

Woman - I'm broody and Id like a baby. My clock is ticking etc etc

Man - yeah ok then (goes back to what's he's doing)

I think he what he was really saying was I want one if you want one but I don't want to put pressure on you due to your history of miscarriage to feel like you are disappointing me in case we can't have one. But if you don't want one then I don't either 🤷‍♀️🤣

Women are from Mars and Men are from Venus and all that!

My husband is lovely and I have no doubts whatsoever that he'll be the best father in the world..

He is very hands on and does his fair share of "wife work" fucking hate that term but he does the cooking, I do the cleaning and he wouldn't bat an eyelid at changing the sheets if I've had a bad period or nipping to the shop for supplies

Obviously the above is no indicator but I mean he isn't a dinosaur - he's a great fella

I think I'm just miffed that he let me believe he wanted one. He really doesn't. If/when I tell him no baby - I know he'll not jump for joy out of respect for me, but he will not shed one tear. He'll shrug his shoulders and say "okay, well as long as you're sure. I've always wanted to go to New Orleans, do ya think we should book now or wait until this COVID thing has eased? We can do that now we're not having a baby. Oh, and at least you'll be able to get a nice sporty car instead of a ham sandwich one" 🥺

For example

I was like your dh. I didn’t really want children, but was willing to have them for dh. Then it turned out we couldn’t and I wasn’t willing to go the IVF route, which he accepted because he loved me more than he wanted children.

Then I got pg. 🤨

We now have two dc who I adore more than anything in the world, and I’m incredibly happy to have them. I am engaged and all that jazz.

But if dh had required me to show the kind of commitment in advance that you expect from your dh, they would never have happened.

@SarahAndQuack thank you. You've got it 💜

But why make out like you want a baby? This is not a puppy or a car. Just say you don't want one.

Maybe he has mixed feelings. Many people do. Like you say this is not a puppy or a car, it's not always a simple decision with simple yes or no feelings.

Maybe he hasn't really explored and expressed all his feelings and ideas about having children? He's just kind of decided and forged ahead? But maybe you are coming from two very different places, you having past experiences and emotions he hasn't. It's as if you also thought it through alone and presented him with a closed package - six months trying then stop - instead of talking through how you felt about those pregnancies and miscarriages and then deciding with him what to do. It sounds as if you both told each other the decisions you made before you'd really talked to each other about your deeper feelings. So it came out wrong.

So rather than a total stop, can you put a pause on the babymaking and just talk some more first?

@cooperage

True fact: Men love women Women love children Children love hamsters

Your DH has come out and said what a lot of men quietly feel. The vast majority will nevertheless turn out to be perfectly competent dads who adore their kids.

God that's so unbelievably depressing.

@caughtalightsneeze

To be honest most men I know didn't want children until they actually had them. I think what he said came out a bit badly but I don't think his actual feeling is all that unusual.

I think you’re right. Women always seem to be the drivers on this one.

It is really tough.

Can you tell him how it is, though?

I know my DP would never in a million years have realised how I felt if I hadn't figured out how to put it into words. I don't think it's men are from Mars etc., I think it's that miscarriage really does make you feel vulnerable.

Op - it was a crap thing to say BUT, imo 50% of men feel this way they just don’t say it! So many men don’t have any urges to have a child at all- that has all come from the women. Even more Men wouldn’t be fussed about having a second or a third but so it because their partner wants it.
This is going to sound basic but from an eveloutionary perspective- mens job is to impregnate many women. Women can only have one pregnancy every 9 months.
In general Women have the sting urge for a child, Not men.