My DH thinks he should be applauded for only wanting a baby to make me happy..

[severusbadgerfox]

DH and I have been discussing having a child for a number of months

In July he said “let’s have a baby, we will make a great team”

Numerous positive comments since then

We put our house up for sale to accommodate another child. We can afford this

I got my coil removed two weeks ago. He drove me to the appointment

We had even lightheartedly discussed baby names and a theme for the nursery..

Side note: in a previous life I’ve had miscarriages into double figures. Last night over a cup of tea - the conversation went something like this:

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

WTF. I can barely look at him. Obviously now I’m definitely not going to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to make me happy..

But seriously? AIBU to feel very off about this? Or am I being dramatic. I feel like he has lied to me, or misled me. He feels like he should be commended for this act of selflessness 👀

I think he was trying to take the pressure off you.
Good luck with the ttc.

My dh only had kids because I wanted them. If I didn’t want any kids or only 1, he would have just gone along with it. It’s nothing bad. He just didn’t have any burning desire to have children.
He loves his dcs and is a good father to them and (mostly!) a good partner to me.

@LetsSplashMummy

But you are part of his decision making process. He would rather have a baby and a happy wife than no baby and an unhappy wife.

That's a valid decision, he feels more strongly about you than the theoretical baby.

But the logical conclusion of that is that he see the baby as "your" domain -- its something he's doing to make you happy rather than because he wants it too.

He's basically setting up a get-out-of-jail-free card for when you have a baby and he then can say it was "your" idea and therefore by default now "your" responsibility. That may be a "valid decision" for him but its not compatible with family life.

I wouldn't have a child with him TBH.

Your husband is willing to make the ultimate commitment, despite it not being what he would choose, because he loves you more than anything else. If you don't think that makes him a good person, you're free to walk away.

Sorry to clarify -

He doesn't want one. He said he would love the baby if/when it came and be hands on - but if it was up to him then he wouldn't have children

I don't think this has anything to do with easing pressure. He does not have that yearning

🤷🏽‍♀️ He's perfectly entitled to feel how he does but I wish he'd stop thinking he's husband of the year

Would he really do all this to keep you happy?

I think he has worded it clumsily, but he is trying not to show you he's on your side and trying to offer you comfort and support.
It's exactly what my DP would say to me, doesn't mean he wouldn't dearly love a baby, but he's seen the physical and mental trauma I've gone through having been through so many miscarriages. So he'd be trying to reassure me he supports whatever choice I make as it is me going through it.

Sit down and talk to him again. Don't be mad at him, clarify what he means.

@FooFighter99 because neither of us had strong opinions on children 🤷🏽‍♀️ I had miscarriages and couldn't say for sure what the future held

DH - as we've seen - is happy enough to do whatever

I want him to want one 😡 which is not going to happen

@Stradivari

I had a child because my DH wanted one, I was ambivalent to the idea- neither opposed or invested in the idea of having children, but it mattered to him so I went for it. I love my DD and we do make a great team. He might have said it bluntly, and you may have believed he intrinsically wanted children because of the positivity associated with the conversation. Maybe some relationship counselling would help?

Same with my oh wanting to go for a third. I was happy with the two girls, but he wanted at least one of each sex so wanted to try again for a boy (thank god it was😂) They would have been adored no matter what the sexes, but I only went for the third for him

Just read your update.

Sorry about that. Not surprised you're upset.

His views are just half baked, and off putting, just the kind of Father a child would like (NOT)

I’m not really seeing the issue here at all? He’s not super eager for a baby - but loves you so much that he is happy to have one with you..that’s how I’m seeing it anyway?

And yeah - he’s probably trying to take the pressure off a bit after what you said.

I really think you are over reacting

I feel like this is a normal reaction

I do things that I'm not bothered about to make my husband happy because that in turn makes me happy

I would love my husband to agree to another baby to make me happy!! I love being a mum

I think he meant it in a way of saying I love you so much I will do whatever you want and then he tried to make it sound like he was indifferent so you wouldn't be worried about him being heart broken too if you didn't get pregnant (for whatever reason)

Also: there will not be a baby

I will not have a child with anyone who doesn't want one

I'm just gonna lick my wounds for a while. Bloody idiot. He's so lovely and it's hard to articulate everything

There are a lot of men who go into parenthood a bit like this. The imperative to reproduce is very strong for you and many other women. My OH was a bit like this, but what a great Dad he turned out to be! - and would never ever have regretted having them. But I imagine he would have left it a bit longer if the choice had only been his.

But he doesn't actually want one - It is not that he doesn't want one, but he recognises how very important it is to you and is happy for it to happen now. Please don't overthink this or pick it apart with black and white thinking.

I honestly think that he is not untypical, and that what he said to you was a (rather ham-fisted) attempt to alleviate your worries about a miscarriage. You are of course very sensitive on this subject. Kiss and make up and get baby-making!

As PPs have suggested, in the circumstances is it possible he was trying to reduce the pressure in case of difficulties carrying to term rather than actively misleading you?

severusbadgerfox

"He doesn't want one. He said he would love the baby if/when it came and be hands on - but if it was up to him then he wouldn't have children."

Sorry, but this is a contradiction in terms. If a man doesn't want a baby then he is unlikely to be a hands-on dad when the baby arrives if he can help it.

I think he's basically signalling to you that he will go along with this to make you happy as he'd rather do it than lose you. But he ain't going to see himself as having the same level of responsibilities that you will.

Question you have to ask is whether you are prepared to raise kids with someone who will basically leave you to it.

I think most men are scared by fatherhood and the commitment it brings even if they want to be fathers. I think it's possible that he really does want kids but worries a bit about the massive changes it will bring. Really big decisions are seldom simple.

Have a talk with him about what he said and why.

I never wanted kids but knew my DH did and it would have been a deal breaker for him. So we have kids, whom I adore and get so much joy from, even through the teenage angst years! However we did discuss it before marriage, let alone before trying to conceive.

I think quite a few posters are being harsh on your DH. I think my DH was the same - he didn't actively NOT want children, but he didn't yearn either and was happy to keep waiting until my ovaries perished. I brought it up and he said ok, and we have two now. He absolutely adores them and is an amazing father.

My point is, your DH is saying he wants them with you. He doesn't in the abstract want children. I really think that's fair enough and there's nothing wrong or dodgy about what he's done. No red flags at all.

Did you want him to be upset and argue against shelving the idea?

It's a tricky one but I mean, if he truly would be ambivalent about having children on his own and your desire for them is his main motivation for wanting them too... Well is that bad? He has enthusiastically engaged and seems to genuinely want a family with you.

I dunno. Maybe it's an unpopular idea but the idea that he wants to start a family with you specifically, rather than just wanting children for the sake of it, strikes me as a good thing rather than a bad one.

I think there is no doubt he wants one and not only did he say that to take the pressure of you but to also ease his disappointment if it doesn't happen.

If you have already had multiple miscarriages then he KNOWS the chances are not good. He is convincing you and himself it 'doesn't matter' that way the unbearable crushing despair of infidelity.. (that no one can really begin to understand if not been through it) is somehow minimised..

It's such a difficult thing to articulate. Especially for the man who has such minimal input to the whole pregnancy mechanics and knows the one most seriously affected will be the person he loves most.
It's like not going for a job you want because you 'know' you won't get it... only you will only really know if you try. Like trying to bamboozle fate.. (not that a baby is the same as a job but the analogy of being too scared to try is what I was getting at) .

I really think he was trying to take the pressure off you and saying he would be fine whatever happened.

[quote severusbadgerfox]@FooFighter99 because neither of us had strong opinions on children 🤷🏽‍♀️ I had miscarriages and couldn't say for sure what the future held

DH - as we've seen - is happy enough to do whatever

I want him to want one 😡 which is not going to happen[/quote]
TBF @severusbadgerfox my mum didn't want kids, but had me and my 2 brothers because my dad really wanted kids.

We've never EVER felt unloved or unwanted, and our dad died when I was 11 so it's been just mum and us for 24 years...

I wouldn't write off the idea of having children with him OP - but I'd definitely have a further conversation with him about it

Actually, I'm pretty sure my DH would have been happy to not get married or have more kids, he's very non-committal and a "go with the flow" kind of guy - but he's an amazing dad, he's so hands on and DD loves the bones of him (as does his 20 year old DD who lives with us!!)

I don't think you need to have the same level of enthusiasm about having children

I think you're shooting yourself in the foot here. Very very few men I know ever felt fussed about a baby. All my friend's husbands and my DP went along with it because their wives were adamant that they wanted children and the men did what made their wives happy. And all those that I know are still married, love their children and are having a happy family life.

I don't think men are as hard-wired to want their own children (could be wrong but in my experience women think a lot more about babies than men do). Most go with the flow.

Of course there are some men who want nothing else but to be a father, but I can't say I know many. Whereas I know several women who've told their husbands they will leave them if they don't give them another baby.

I don't think this is worth throwing away your marriage and any future children for. Your husband loves you enough to do whatever will make you happy. He will no doubt love the baby if it comes. Sure, any marriage may go down the pan in the future but that's the case whether you have children or not. I wouldn't over think things here. If you want a child then try and get pregnant.

I think that if every single couple waited until they were exactly at the same stage of readiness/keenness as each other before conceiving no children would be born...