My DH thinks he should be applauded for only wanting a baby to make me happy..

[severusbadgerfox]

DH and I have been discussing having a child for a number of months

In July he said “let’s have a baby, we will make a great team”

Numerous positive comments since then

We put our house up for sale to accommodate another child. We can afford this

I got my coil removed two weeks ago. He drove me to the appointment

We had even lightheartedly discussed baby names and a theme for the nursery..

Side note: in a previous life I’ve had miscarriages into double figures. Last night over a cup of tea - the conversation went something like this:

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

WTF. I can barely look at him. Obviously now I’m definitely not going to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to make me happy..

But seriously? AIBU to feel very off about this? Or am I being dramatic. I feel like he has lied to me, or misled me. He feels like he should be commended for this act of selflessness 👀

@severusbadgerfox
I think his actions spell out a completely different perspective - he said let’s have a baby, put the house up for sale, he took you to have your coil removed. That tells a very different story to the new words of I only want one because you do.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d be confused and slightly devastated if I was you BUT if I was your DH it would also take me hours to come up with the right words to say - something that both says I want to have a baby but I also don’t want to have a baby in case that’s putting pressure on you and our relationship is enough for me without a baby.

I just would ‘consider’ that he’s trying to play it safe with his words, as if you think he wants a baby and then you don’t have one, you’re not then constantly thinking that he wants a baby. Might not be true, just consider it due to his previous actions being quite forward thinking towards having a baby. I mean a house move is a massive deal so a lot of people move after a baby.

From what I’ve seen on here, men seem to give up trying entirely when the baby is born.

Only the bad ones usually have threads started about their behaviour; nobody is coming on to say "My husband has a few little anoying habits like everybody else, but he's a really decent husband and father - AIBU?"

In other news, there are absolutely loads of women out there who love their MILs and SILs dearly - but why would you start a thread asking for advice about how to deal with somebody you get on very well with anyway?

I think this happens alot. My DH definitely went along with it. I only discovered it when I was pregnant and he changed completely. I felt pretty pissed off tbh. He's a great Dad but I don't think he ever really wanted kids.

Ive just read altiara post and agree entirely. Maybe he doesn't want you to feel pressured and you'll be fine as a couple with or without a baby.

We have discussed everything - with accompanying tears

He has clarified a lot and repeated what a lot of you have said - he said that by moving house and supporting me with coil removal shows that he does want a baby

Also pointed out that if he didn't want one, he wouldn't have unprotected sex with me

I am still a tad emotional but he has told me loudly and clearly this morning - he does want a baby

I was in your OH boots when my 2nd. My OH was desperate with a second one, I really wasn't. I'd found becoming a mum very hard with our eldest and really apprehended doing it again. I did it because my OH so much wanted it and deep inside I wasn't totally against it just apprehensive. That o my lasted until the 1st scan. By then, that was it, the protective feelings kicked in and when he 2as bien, the overwhelming love rushed through me.

From what you've written about your OH, I expect just the same.

I am normally quite a brutal poster but I think on this occasion it sounds as if he has meant well and worded it badly. It sounds to me as if he was trying to reassure you and as men can do at times , worded it in a way that made it worse .

That’s a great update. I’m so glad you reached an understanding. Very best wishes

So glad you have talked about it

Hooray!!!

You hang on to that bloke........

I think you are much more clear in your thinking style, that's all, he is adaptable and a 'mirrorer'. Which is probably why your relationship works well in the main. Yes, he has feelings and wants but he is less clear and absolute than you, and can adapt to circumstances and see the benefits in both courses. He does want to try for a baby with you ❤️ and he is wholeheartedly in on that possibility, but he doesn't want you to not be ok if it doesn't happen.

Just caught up on this thread and I’m so glad you cleared the air with him OP.

Good luck to you both on your conception journey.

He sounds lovely, and so do you.

Good luck.

XXXXXX

@SicklyToaster

I think a lot of men, if they're being honest, only have kids for that reason. I suspect it's part of the reason you see so many complaints about parental imbalances. Men who actively want children do exist, but they probably wouldn't be as keen on "shelving" the idea.

I agree. On the basis of personal observation of my fellow men (gender specific term intended) I would say that men who actively want children are in the minority.

Or his actions show he will do what you want to make you happy? I don't want to ruin this for you but I think you need actually be very careful around this. He's seen how upset you were when he said he wasn't fussed so he back tracking.

I agree with various pp's that lots of men aren't fussed on having children. So I don't think what he's said is that surprising.

I agree with pps who say he was clumsily trying to take the pressure off you. I think you're being a little over dramatic tbh.