My DH thinks he should be applauded for only wanting a baby to make me happy..

[severusbadgerfox]

DH and I have been discussing having a child for a number of months

In July he said “let’s have a baby, we will make a great team”

Numerous positive comments since then

We put our house up for sale to accommodate another child. We can afford this

I got my coil removed two weeks ago. He drove me to the appointment

We had even lightheartedly discussed baby names and a theme for the nursery..

Side note: in a previous life I’ve had miscarriages into double figures. Last night over a cup of tea - the conversation went something like this:

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

WTF. I can barely look at him. Obviously now I’m definitely not going to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to make me happy..

But seriously? AIBU to feel very off about this? Or am I being dramatic. I feel like he has lied to me, or misled me. He feels like he should be commended for this act of selflessness 👀

My dh only has children because I wanted them

Has that stopped him from stepping up and being a fantastic dad?

No not at all! He just never really considered them in the first place

He does not have that yearning

Lots of women don't have an active yearning to be a parent, but it happens by accident, they adore their surprise, and are excellent and devoted parents. I don't think that actively "wanting" one is that big a deal.
I see that it is for you; but I hope you don't let this be a deal-breaker!
I know of men who were fathers before and never thought of having another child, then after divorce etc meet someone else and bam! And it's like it's what they wanted all along.
Many men don't even think of it, and their gf gets pregnant; shock at first, then they're 100% enthusiastic. Happens a zillion times!

I want him to want one 😡 which is not going to happen

It doesn't mean he wouldn't be a great father if/when it happens!

Whatever the outcome, I wish you all the best. It must be devastating to have so many miscarriage's and I understand where you're coming from, but the main thing is, he adores you and would the baby.

Thank you for your kindness

I know some people are a bit clumsy with words. But it's back to that thing -

If he'd told me in July that he wasn't fussed then I wouldn't have entertained the idea. I certainly wouldn't have removed my coil - he's continuing to bumble about and I'm like a traumatised rabbit

I do not do things I'm not fussed on. Well except cleaning but seriously?! A baby is such a big thing for someone to really shrug their shoulders and say "whatever ya want"

Please talk to him.
Possibly part of the not wanting DCs is hoping to avoid the risk of you going through MC again. And that may be all he has experience of when it comes to DCs, if he was with you at the time.
Would you stay with him without the chance of DCs?

Am I the only one who's a bit disturbed by this consensus that men are not fussed about having kids and its the wife's job to wear him down until he gives in to shut her up... depressing much?

I know plenty of couples where the man has wanted a child as much as if not more than the woman.

I think it sets up an unhealthy dynamic in the marriage as well: its more or less paving the way for the man to disengage if and when children come along and say "that's your job, love". Urgh.

It's true that in this particular case he may be trying to manage expectations and not get your collective hopes up, in which case his position is understandable and may need a bit of unpicking.

And I don't mean to derail. But I just don't accept the general premise of most of these posts that a bloke has to be chipped away at and manipulaed until he finally caves. I do think a man who is actively up for being a father is far more likely to be a better and more engaged father.

My husband was never bothered about kids, he had them because I wanted them, we now have an 8 year old and a 3 year old, he is a brilliant hands on father who loves the kids more than life. I may be flamed but I do think you're slightly overreacting

I'm so sorry you had miscarriages. Were you two together then, or were you with someone else?

Idk- I mean he could just have agreed with Op, to try for a while & then stop.

I mean if he doesn't want kids, he shouldn't be suggesting to Op that he does imo.

@thepeopleversuswork

I know plenty of men who vocally want children and I'm sure many other posters know some too, but these situations aren't really relevant to the thread. OP has described a scenario where she wants children and her partner is "not fussed", so naturally people are commenting on that and recounting similar experiences.

I don't think you are over-reacting, OP, though it reads like you might have some emotions (traumatised rabbit) that his statement might have triggered but might reflect something longer-standing. If you were wanting to have children with him before, it might be an idea to take stock and reflect over the next few weeks and months rather than throw the towel in.

Good luck.

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

It could have responded...
Him: Grief no! We agreed we'd have a baby, if it doesn't happen soon then we need to see the doctor and find out why then keep trying. IVF perhaps

I think he'd thought it over and agreed as you were keen so he was but if you were sounding a bit worried then he wasn't pushing you.

We've also heard from posters where the situation was reversed; the woman "wasn't bothered" but had children because her partner did.

@ severusbadgerfox

I totally understand why you're so angry and upset by this.

He's behaved stupidly and, as you've said, he's acting like he should be getting a 'Husband of the Year' trophy for his selfless act of having a baby, even when he doesn't want one

You really need to sit him down and actually articulate why you're upset and what he's done wrong here, because he doesn't understand that you've actually had the 'rug pulled out from under your feet' here.

This may well set the tone for the rest of your marriage if you don't make him understand what he's done to you..............

How will you know he's not 'just humoring' you with other major life decisions ?

I think he’s probably just saying that you should make the decision (because it will probably have a much greater impact on your health/future life etc), and he will be fine with whatever you decide.

I think it depends on whether you think he’ll be a good dad or not. If he’s going to be a useless dad and then throw it back in your face that he told you he didn’t want kids, then probably not a good idea to proceed with the idea.

"It doesn't mean he wouldn't be a great father if/when it happens!"

What a risk to take though-is that how women end up with men who are shit fathers?

My husband would have said something like this when we were discussing them theoretically but no one loves their kids more than he does now they’re here.

My husband does want one and he hasn't been as involved as yours! Honestly it sounds like a crappy attempt to take the pressure off you. I wouldn't be mad about it.

[quote CoalCraft]@thepeopleversuswork

I know plenty of men who vocally want children and I'm sure many other posters know some too, but these situations aren't really relevant to the thread. OP has described a scenario where she wants children and her partner is "not fussed", so naturally people are commenting on that and recounting similar experiences.[/quote]
Yes, but the general consensus coming back in the posts is that that's just what blokes are like and they all end up doing it for a quiet life.

In this case clearly there are complicating factors for the OP which explain why he may be reluctant to embrace the idea wholeheartedly.

But as a philosophical point why are we not exploring that "not fussed" is not the best starting point for conceiving a child?

I also think lots of men have that attitude his words are harsh.
DP can't wait for the DC to grow up. He loves them he does what he needs to do he misses peace and quiet too.

@MonicaGellerBing

My husband was never bothered about kids, he had them because I wanted them, we now have an 8 year old and a 3 year old, he is a brilliant hands on father who loves the kids more than life. I may be flamed but I do think you're slightly overreacting

I agree with this and although I mean this gently, I think you might be overreacting too.

I have to say when I had my first, I wasn’t overwhelmed with desire for a baby or a a child, it just felt like the right time, the right person and we were at a point in our lives when we could do it. I loved DD from the start and was lucky enough to be able to go on to have more children.

He’s remembering your vitamins, moving house, discussing nursery decor, I think he’s pretty invested in the idea.

It's probably not as bad as you think. As above poster said - he's not overly broody but will be happy to have a baby with you if it happens.

My DH was a bit the same, would have been ok with not having them if I wasn’t bothered. He was happy to have them because it was important to me. He’s a great dad, very hands-on, loves our kids to bits.

I think you might be getting a bit side-tracked about how positive he should be about it in advance. I don’t think him saying it’s ultimately up to you is any indicator of how good/engaged a parent he’ll be.

Have you talked to him to clarify what he meant and ask why he's been acting so keen if he would prefer not to have one? If nothing else, he needs to be aware how much work he's letting himself in for. A baby isnt a toy for you to keep yourself happy with afterall!

I think you are overthinking here! How many men are gushing over babies, thinking of babies, very few. Most until they actually see the baby don´t really feel it´s real. My husband wanted a family, but bad mental health has made me the main carer...We only have one and it is the best thing we have done. Your husband is just like millions of other men, until he has his baby in his arms he will be non comittal. Also, with your history there is the possibility he is putting on the bandage for both of you before having a wound. So, don´t be so black and white with him.

My miscarriages were from my first marriage. I have emotionally dealt with them and have actually accepted that I can have a fulfilling life without children. I am not crying into baby socks in Tesco, thankfully

I think I'm just annoyed because I thought we were on the same page, and we clearly weren't. And if I hadn't said what I did, then Mr Fox would be continuing to feed me vitamins and tell me we aren't naming it "Severus"

Just say if ya don't want one don't say you do when you don't..don't let me have those thoughts. Don't let me think "awk well, maybe next Christmas we'll have someone else to buy for" - just don't go there. I was perfectly fine beforehand, I kinda feel like he let me believe something was a possibility

Yes I can have one if I want. But I don't want a baby with someone who would prefer not to have one