My DH thinks he should be applauded for only wanting a baby to make me happy..

[severusbadgerfox]

DH and I have been discussing having a child for a number of months

In July he said “let’s have a baby, we will make a great team”

Numerous positive comments since then

We put our house up for sale to accommodate another child. We can afford this

I got my coil removed two weeks ago. He drove me to the appointment

We had even lightheartedly discussed baby names and a theme for the nursery..

Side note: in a previous life I’ve had miscarriages into double figures. Last night over a cup of tea - the conversation went something like this:

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

WTF. I can barely look at him. Obviously now I’m definitely not going to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to make me happy..

But seriously? AIBU to feel very off about this? Or am I being dramatic. I feel like he has lied to me, or misled me. He feels like he should be commended for this act of selflessness 👀

Wishing you all the very best OP, my DH was a little like this, he was very happy just being a couple, I was too, then suddenly I wanted a baby, we had two. My DH is the best dad ever, very family oriented. Our two are now 19 & 17. Good luck, hoping you have some happy news very soon.

I'm quite shocked that people are saying what he said is OK.

He's told you that he doesn't really want kids but he'll do it to appease you.

How is that acceptable in a marriage?!

*I'm quite shocked that people are saying what he said is OK.

He's told you that he doesn't really want kids but he'll do it to appease you.

How is that acceptable in a marriage?! shock*

He didn't say that though- he said he would prefer not to have children.

Perhaps his preference is not deeply felt.

A feeling can go anywhere from a deep desperate yearning to a mild feeling.
And if we have a mild preference or an ambivalence about something that is a deeply held feeling within our partner then it doesn't cost much in emotional terms to put our preferences to one side to enable our partner to fulfill their needs.

He's told you that he doesn't really want kids but he'll do it to appease you

Except he hasn’t. He’s said he loves her and wants to make her happy. Huge difference.

My partner would have been quite happy not to have more children but was willing to have a baby with me because he knew how much it meant to me to be a mum. He now adores our son and has even suggested having another.

I don’t think it’s always as clear cut as you want a baby or you don’t want a baby. Lots of people are somewhere in between. I think maybe he is ambivalent like my partner was but just hasn’t worded it very well.

OP, I'm sorry to say I think you are over reacting.
From my experience, I was in pretty much same position, my DH said near enough the exact same thing. Think his wording was if he wasn't arsed but he would rather have a baby than loose me as he knew it was important to me.
Went on to have DD1 and DH was under her spell the min he laid eyes on her and I can't fault him as a dad and he regrets nothing. So much so im Currently preg with number 2.

Have a chat with him. If he's willing to start a family go for it

Another one here whose DH actively wanted children and (broadly) planned for it while I was more ambivalent to start with. It's certainly not the case here that it was at all one-sided - and we are both equally thrilled to be parents and slightly despairing that our previous lives are gone forever

Men don’t get broody. Anyone who doubts this doesn’t know many men.

That's poor logic. You only need to know one broody man (and I know at least one who has rearranged his life with the goal of having children) to prove that generalisation wrong, whereas you could know thousands of non-broody men and still not have enough data to conclude that no men get broody.

Men don’t get broody. Anyone who doubts this doesn’t know many men.

That's plainly rubbish- and demonstrated to be untrue by several posters on this thread.

My OH was also the broody one- not me!

@Roselilly36 I would agree, I never wanted kids and DH never did either. We were happy as a couple. Then suddenly late in life and after 20 years together I changed my mind and wanted a child, and he agreed because it’s what I wanted.

He’s an amazing father and loves his little boy more than anything. Far better than many dads I know who eagerly wanted children and then left their partners to do all the work while their life didn’t change a jot. He’s still my same husband too.

I would be angry at your DH too Op. He has done a complete turnaround from his conversations with you. I'm with you, if someone says let's have a baby, let's put the house on the market and let's get your coil removed, I pretty much believe them when they say they want to have a baby. I believe you when you say he is lovely, but in this case he really has displayed the emotional intelligence of a slug.

You do really need to spell it out to him what a dick he is to suggest having a baby then turn round and say, but I don't really want one. Also let him know it ain't happening now. I guess you need to take the house off the market and get another coil fitted, god he's a twit isn't he?

I am so sorry for your previous losses, and gently suggest they are making you more brittle around this subject than you perhaps realise.

Your DH sounds like most men. Honestly. The bonus of that is that if it sadly doesn’t happen, he will still enjoy a fulfilled life with you. If it does, he’ll be the great dad you know he’ll be and never regret it.

Men don’t get broody. Anyone who doubts this doesn’t know many men.

I guess there are some that do but I've never met one, and that includes my husband.

Personally, I think you are reading way too much into this. Look at his behaviour not just his words. It certainly doesn't come across as if he is uninterested in having a child!

Give him a break. He sounds lovely.

Men don’t get broody. Anyone who doubts this doesn’t know many men.

Not all men aren’t the same, just like not all women are the same. I can’t wait for us to get married so we can have number two together.

It was a horrible thing to hear

I will speak to him properly once I don't feel the need to cry at him..

I am very fortunate for so many things

You've been very helpful and kind. I really appreciate every single post

As others have said I think that the majority of men are ambivalent towards the prospect of children, and lots agree to have them just to please their partners.

I was very eager to have children. DH wasn't hugely fussed either way. We now have two daughters and he's an absolutely wonderful father (and arguably a far better parent than me.) He got up almost every night with them when they were babies, even though I was a SAHM, spends hours playing pretend (long after I've lost interest) and completely revolves his life around them. Just because your DH isn't as keen as you, doesn't mean he will love the child any less once it's here.

To be honest I find some men are not that interested in the abstract but ones a baby comes they are very happy.

I think what he said was awfully heartless and yet either way, I'd do what you want to do. He may well come round to it and love being a dad.

Can I ask how old you both are, roughly?

I'm 30 and DH is 40

Your over reacting here, most men don’t think and feel like most women do. I think you would be hard pressed to find a man that screams he wants a baby from the roof tops without actually being a parent yet.

I think you have taken this the wrong way and making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Defo YANBU. However, is there any chance he was downplaying wanting a baby to make the possibility of not conceiving less of a blow to you if that were to happen - like in his mind you would feel less bad about it all if he seemed indifferent somehow? Posssibly a stretch, but still...

To be honest I find some men are not that interested in the abstract but ones a baby comes they are very happy

From what I’ve seen on here, men seem to give up trying entirely when the baby is born.

OP I definitely understand why you feel the way you do, but I also kind of see his intention? If it’s any consolation my dad was utterly baffled when my mum suggested having a baby (they’d been together 10 years and just bought a house 😂) and was like “why would we do that?!” He eventually agreed but said well I’d rather it was just the two of us but fine I’ll give it a go to make you happy.
30 years later he has been the best father I could imagine. He was so hands on and apparently smitten with me from the second I was born. We’re so close and he said that he stands by that he never wanted children but that having me was the most rewarding thing he’s ever done.
My point is that in my personal opinion I really don’t think this is the worst thing your husband could have said and I don’t think it means bodes anything negative for the future, but it was a silly thing for him to say.

I think loads of men feel like this tbh.

What's bugging me so much though - I wasn't hit with the baby bug before he brought it up

I was and am very much grounded in that if any potential pregnancies result in further miscarriages then 🤷🏽‍♀️ so be it..I've had a long time to come to terms with that aspect and I'm not willing to put myself under too much pressure

It's just the attitude of: "whatever ya want dear"

I don't expect him to sit and knit blankets but my goodness, do not tell me you're thinking of baby names and then "I'd prefer not to have one"

The attitude of peacocking about like husband of the year is rattling me. It's like "look how much I love you" and that's fab but fuck me, don't plant a seed and then piss on it