My DH thinks he should be applauded for only wanting a baby to make me happy..

[severusbadgerfox]

DH and I have been discussing having a child for a number of months

In July he said “let’s have a baby, we will make a great team”

Numerous positive comments since then

We put our house up for sale to accommodate another child. We can afford this

I got my coil removed two weeks ago. He drove me to the appointment

We had even lightheartedly discussed baby names and a theme for the nursery..

Side note: in a previous life I’ve had miscarriages into double figures. Last night over a cup of tea - the conversation went something like this:

Me: If we fail to conceive over the next six months I’d prefer to shelve the idea - I do not want to get back into the obsessional mindset of having a successful pregnancy. What will be, will be

Him: I’m not fussed. Whatever you think, I only want one because you do. I’d prefer not to have one but I really love you and if you want a baby then I do too

WTF. I can barely look at him. Obviously now I’m definitely not going to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to make me happy..

But seriously? AIBU to feel very off about this? Or am I being dramatic. I feel like he has lied to me, or misled me. He feels like he should be commended for this act of selflessness 👀

In the abstract, your husband doesn’t want a baby but loves you so much that he is happy to have one with you.

And respects your decision to try for a limited period and taking the pressure off you

I

Yanbu at all. AT all.

My husband really wanted to be a dad and have a baby. I’d only want a baby with someone who felt that way. Not with someone parenting out of love for me and some sort of fatherly duty once the baby arrived.

I think a lot of kids only exist because their dad wanted to make their mum happy and vice versa tbh. Because life is about compromise. So long as they're supportive parents and partners I honestly don't see the issue.

As PP have said it sounds as if he is aware of your history and is trying to be kind and supportive. Would it be better if he had said ‘No, we will keep trying no matter how hard it is for you. I am never going to give up on having a child’. That might have sent You down a wormhole of “he wants a baby so much he might leave me if I can’t have one’.

From what you’ve said so far, having a successful pregnancy is a massive and much wanted deal for you so it would be perfectly understandable if you were worrying too much and overthinking things.

Try to relax. You have a caring partner who wants a child with you. You are lucky. Don’t worry about micro-analysing his words or his motivation.

Oh heavens OP - cut this poor man a bit of slack! He is trying to do and say the right thing and you are taking it apart word by word!

There is no right time to have children; there is no way any couple go into it entirely clear what they are letting themselves in for; many men feel that they have children because it is what their wives want. And what happens? - in the vast majority of cases a happy family.

I think you need to examine your own attitude here - you are, entirely understandably, very anxious about having another miscarriage. Maybe you are almost afraid to try. If you make a big deal about what he has said, then you can offload the "blame" for not trying onto him.

Go and talk to someone outside the situation - someone you trust - even a counsellor. Your feelings sound very mixed up to me for you to be being so harsh on your OH, who clearly loves you very much.

Be careful what you are throwing away.

^ This. I think you’re being way too hard on him, he clearly loves you very much.

So you were both excited (on the surface) about trying for a baby. Then you sprung it on him that you only want to try for six months, which makes it about 50/50 whether you'd concieve, and he replied that he's also not that fussed.

You both said pretty much the same thing and yet you feel hurt and betrayed?

Honestly, I think he’s trying to be kind to you and maybe phrased it poorly.

I think many men aren’t quite as fussed about the getting pregnant/tiny babies side of things. I don’t think my DH would have suggested ttc#2 if I hadn’t brought it up, although he’s now really looking forward to their arrival. In my DH’s case, he takes the attitude that the timing of such things is really my choice as it’s my body and career that is predominantly affected. He was the same when I suggested we ttc#1.

Your DH is telling you that he loves you and the most important thing to him is your happiness. That doesn’t sound like someone who is going to be a useless father.

I think a lot of men, if they're being honest, only have kids for that reason.

I've said this before. An awful lot of men are just looking for a relationship and see kids, and marriage, as a concession to their partner and as part of what is expected of them but if the they are totally honest, they really don't want any of it. But then I've know friends issue an ultimatum knowing this, " oh he'll feel diferently once the baby is born, they all do".

OP I'm sorry but I actually think you are being really, really unfair on your DH.

You obviously and rightly have incredibly complex feelings about TTC, and he naturally is very anxious about the whole thing, and is trying to do and say the right thing. From what you've said he's trying to protect you ('life will go on if it turns out we can't have a baby, 'I love you more than anything) and himself from potential devastating blow of MC.

Judge people by their actions and not just their words, because none of us are half as eloquent as we'd like to be. From the sounds of the moving house, fetching vitamins, and planning the nursery, he is as keen as any partner could be knowing the hell you must have been through in recent years.

I don't think men feel the same biological drive to have kids always as women do. At least he's been honest now, whether you decide you still want to try is up to you

Maybe I am wrong - that's why I'm here - I can't see the wood for the trees today

He's a good man and I love him very much. I just don't like him today - I'm quite an honest person and generally don't "go along with things" and therefore I'm struggling to see why anyone would

He's entitled to do and think what he wants, it was just a bit of a shock to hear "I'd prefer not to"

That would make me doubt everything. YANBU OP x

Most men don’t really want kids - it’s just reality. They don’t get broody and can clearly see all the many downsides without having any of the hormonal urges or societal pressure which cause us women to want them.

He doesn’t really want kids but is prepared to do it to make you happy and he’s getting pelters for putting your desires above his own. Poor guy.

He is just trying to make you feel better and got it wrong! he probably doesnt want to add to the pressure he thinks you may be feeling especially with previous miscarriages.
Honestly just see what happens and good luck!

I had several miscarriages before the DC OP, and I said to DH, well what if we cannot have DC? He said, well, we will still have a great life. He wanted a life with me, with or without DC. That was his point. Maybe that is your DH's point? I mean, as others have said, you have already a history of lots of miscarriages so if he was desperate to be a dad (who are those men???), he probably would not have married you.

@Holyrivolli, that is quite a generalisation. Most of the men I know were keen to be fathers.

Tbh, most men do.
That's why they are happy for eow or to even disappear with nc after the divorce.
Unless you have discussed the real ramifications of having children and they have proved themselves capable fathers why put a child through it.

[quote MikeUniformMike]@Holyrivolli, that is quite a generalisation. Most of the men I know were keen to be fathers.[/quote]
Not my experience Mike. I work with a bunch of guy who will take any extra duty that is offered or will be found down the gym or on the golf couse.

Neither my husband nor I wanted a baby. But, we got pregnant as we weren’t careful enough and ended up with a beautiful baby boy. He’s 15 now and growing up fast. DH enjoyed the experience so much, he’s been desperate for another baby for years. It’s me that says no to more, but even I who was adamant I didn’t want kids, am so happy to have our son.

People don’t always truly know how they’ll feel about a baby that hasn’t been born yet. It’s easy to not be bothered if you aren’t desperate to be a parent. You are the main person in your husband’s life, so it seems obvious to me that, how you felt came before the baby as far as your husband was concerned.

They are all keen to be fathers until reality hits
It's rare to find one who doesn't have the mother as the main parent.
I've got one though He thinks he's equal to me in parenting, never went off to the pub or a selfish hobby.

I think a lot of men, if they're being honest, only have kids for that reason

I agree. I’ve met a few that say they only went along with it to keep a relationship going. Sadly it didn’t though in most of the cases.

I’d not be TTC with a man who has been honest and said he is only doing this to please you, I think a child deserves so much more than that. I’d also not want someone to do something they didn’t want to just to please me. That’s not a partnership imo.

[quote MikeUniformMike]@Holyrivolli, that is quite a generalisation. Most of the men I know were keen to be fathers.[/quote]
Yeah it is a generalisation but it’s true. Most guys are ambivalent about it. Of course some might be hyper broody and others desperate not to have them but the bulk will just go along with it to keep their OH happy. They probably won’t tell their other half or her mates as they’ll get reactions like the OP.

Bet he wishes he’d not been honest now as he’s getting all this drama/ aggro for prioritising what she wants over his feelings.

For the love of God, please don't have a child with this man!

My father didn't want children - he ended up with 3 as my mother is Catholic (and she oopsed him). He finally had a vasectomy after my younger brother was born.

Knowing your own father didn't want you to exist is horrible.

He was a rubbish father, stop being a full-time father when I was 9 (started working abroad, we hardly saw him for a decade) and left my mother 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

Ah, @severusbadgerfox, I’m sorry.

I’m 30 too, and recently married. We were quite non-commital about kids originally, but husband is now very excited and doing lots of research. It’s now me that’s a bit apprehensive! I’d be gutted if he was just going along with it for me. That feels so misleading. He may well have meant well, but it doesn’t come across like that for something so important. Maybe pretending he’s happy with the same thing you want for dinner or whatever, but not a baby...

All the best with whatever you choose. It’s okay to feel like the rug has been pulled from under you right now - it has.

@Daisydoesnt

OP I'm sorry but I actually think you are being really, really unfair on your DH.

You obviously and rightly have incredibly complex feelings about TTC, and he naturally is very anxious about the whole thing, and is trying to do and say the right thing. From what you've said he's trying to protect you ('life will go on if it turns out we can't have a baby, 'I love you more than anything) and himself from potential devastating blow of MC.

Judge people by their actions and not just their words, because none of us are half as eloquent as we'd like to be. From the sounds of the moving house, fetching vitamins, and planning the nursery, he is as keen as any partner could be knowing the hell you must have been through in recent years.

This post says everything I was going to say.

I think your partner is caught between a rock and a hard place.

Talk to him. He knows what he means....not a bunch of strangers on MN.

Good luck.