To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

[northernstar0412]

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

Fascinating!

No. When I visit someone I am not visiting their house. I am visiting them.
When my children were small and played with friends from school they all went to each others homes and I saw some really dirty houses and some quite the opposite. I never judged the people at all. It's not my business if they don't have a handle on cleaning or tidying up.

I think it's quite over the top to scrub and clean for hours if you think someone is going to visit.

As for messy. It depends. Messy, as in loads of clutter? It's not how I'd want to live but it's not my house. Dirty? Yes, I would avoid visiting. Far easier to avoid it entirely than have to make excuses when I'm there to avoid drinking from a mug or eating from the kitchen. I don't want to get sick. My sister's house is disgusting. Her own kids have been hospitalised multiple times with severe food poisoning. I'm not risking being next.

Anordinarymum, of course that is the right answer, and very noble. I wish I could be the same.

It's interesting that my sisters and me and exactly the same - all of us clean freaks who hate disorder. I think it's because we grew up in a house that was chaotic and dirty. Our lovely mum had severe mental health issues and it wasn't her fault. Dad wouldn't help around the house.

I had a friend who was/still is an alcoholic. My children played with hers and we were in and out of each others houses all of the time. Her house was the filthiest hovel I ever saw but she was lovely and the children were too. I had to see past the mess, and I even drank out of the cups. Other friends had smelly houses too but not everyone is capable of cleaning to high standard especially when they work and are a single parent.

I'm clean and always have been so, or at least I think I am :)

I avoid someone's house for the fact the kids always have head lice.
Messy is ok you have to move that basket type but Not unhygienic
I think it's good not to care if it's only messy.
Can u fold my 3 baskets of washing please?
I'm to busy to care

My house is clean but cluttered. I have time to spend with my children, we all have time to relax. It's not perfect for us but is it perfect for anybody ? We are decluttering because we are emigrating, that's enough stress for one family

@northernstar0412

Anordinarymum, of course that is the right answer, and very noble. I wish I could be the same.

It's interesting that my sisters and me and exactly the same - all of us clean freaks who hate disorder. I think it's because we grew up in a house that was chaotic and dirty. Our lovely mum had severe mental health issues and it wasn't her fault. Dad wouldn't help around the house.

I grew up in a spotless home, my mother was houseproud. I am extremely untidy and messy, always have been.

I’m similar to you op. I can cope with clutter, toys etc but dirt and dirty smells make me very uncomfortable. I have had to do a lot of home visits over the years for my work. Most houses are either tidy or lived in but clean. Then there are those with dirty surfaces and unwashed dishes left about, which are a bit grim to visit, but not everyone has the time, inclination or mental health to keep on top of things.
Then there are the truly shocking ones, where you are literally stepping over rubbish and the stench hits you like a brick and burns the back of your throat. (not envy)

I think there is kind of a middle ground. Having to clean for hours is not great, but OTOH it can be stressful to be in a house that is really filthy. I have a friend who tends to be messy, which I have no issues with. Though she does generally make an effort to have seats if people come over. I've also occasionally been to a place where for example there was dried poo on the toilet. That would generally make me avoid visiting them at home, although people like that aren't so much disrespectful as they don't see the dirt for some reason. People who see it but struggle to combat it typically don't invite people over IME.

IHateCoronavirus - yes, I agree with you, most houses ARE either tidy, or lived in but clean - I guess that's what I'm talking about. I understand that not everyone has the time/energy/ mental health etc. It can be hard keeping on top of it all. But I would not be able to do home visits for this reason!

When I go to someone’s home that’s a mess, it just makes me feel better about my messy home.

I do clean and tidy before people come round and wish I was comfortable enough to leave it.

I must say dirty and smelly homes I wouldn’t feel comfortable in and would probably avoid going back, but cluttered and a bit dusty are fine.

Goosefoot, I don't clean for hours every day, but when I do a clean up every week it will take me a few hours. My sister literally never stops cleaning!

I knew a very posh couple where the bloke didn't used to clean his poo remnants from the loo. I guess he was too posh to brush!

Why would I care what others think of my home? As long as my family are happy, healthy and secure, that's all that matters.

Anyone visiting my house will usually find a little bit of clutter but a warm welcome and a decent cup of coffee. And the spare room's always made up for anyone who needs it. How can you enjoy impromptu guests if you need to "scrub & clean for hours" first.

I go and see my friends, not their houses. Most of the time.

I am naturally messy but capable of keeping it generally OK and I am lucky enough to have a cleaner I tidy up for once a week.

The two friends I visit regularly who have very messy houses aren’t unclean, and have other stuff going on. I really don’t care and they always apologise profusely before I go in which I feel sad about. I might need to move a box of washing to the floor or negotiate the duplo but it’s fine. I have another friend whose house I avoid going in: it’s madly cluttered (although a good size) and despite two huge reception rooms there is nowhere to sit. The sofa is piled high with stuff and so they ask people to sit on the floor if they’re staying. The floor space to sit in is just passageways through the stuff. There are big mental health issues going on and a tendency to hoard (think: why have one electric mixer when you’ve got both from when you run two households, one from the wedding present you asked for, and one you inherited from granny) although I know there has been decluttering going on and I haven’t been for ages. I just invite to mine or accept summer invitations to sit in the garden in that case.

I am probably more like you and even think people are judging me if my house is spotless. That goes back to my childhood hone being very messy and feeling as if I could invite people over though. I actually like going to friends who aren't like me and are more 'take me as you find me' - I personally think it feels more welcoming as if they have nothing to hide and accept me as part of the family. It makes me relax more and feel more at ease.

Utter filth is hard to cope with , but then so are places that are so so immaculate. Our home is somewhere in between.

I was brought up that a house is more for the comfort of other people than the occupants. So biggest bedroom put aside as spare room etc.

@DDIJ - What???!!! Nooo, the house is for the occupants. Do you really expect OTHER people to set their homes up for YOUR comfort? No?? Then why would you do it for theirs???

I'm a bit on the messy side, and have to do a big tidy up before people come over. I actually like having people come over frequently because then I'm always doing a bit of tidying constantly and its easier to stay on top of it!!!

We are a large family with too many clothes and books, our house is fairly cluttered, I would clean and tidy for guests though, but I wouldn't try and pass our home off as a show home.

I'm another with an untidy home. I clear a table and then stuff just creeps up on it over the week until I clear it again. I pretty much leave it all until the weekend when I'm not working because I can't be bothered to do more than washing/washing up/showering/cooking food after work.

I did have a friend who was really messy but she was a delight to be with and the house wasn't actually dirty, just stuff everywhere. She had 3 or 4 times as many clothes as I had and since laundry was a real chore (shared laundry room in apartment block) she did it all at once when she had absolutely nothing left to wear.

I couldn't deal with that. As soon as the washing bag is nearly full I have to get a wash on because I know I'd regret it if I didn't.

When reading this did anyone think of that episode from Friends?

I’d be put off going to someone’s house if it was smelly, but otherwise I’m not too bothered. I’m quite tidy and don’t like having to step over/sit next to piles of stuff, but would put up with that for the pleasure of seeing a friend- it’s their home and their environment after all.
Your perception comes across as a bit binary - people either spend hours scrubbing things spotless or live in a pigsty. There’s quite.a lot in between that! People have their own levels of sensitivity towards cleanliness though (one of my friends used to run her finger along shelves when she came round!) and yanbu to find your friend’s place difficult.

I prefer a messy house to a tidy one... Until it crosses the line into filthy. Don't mind clutter, scattered toys and moving things to sit down. Nor a bit of dust or crumbs around the place. I do mind layers of dust, caked food on the floor and that never been cleaned smell. That would put me off visiting. The only one of my friends I know who has a truly immaculate house works full-time and has a cleaner 3 days a week and a very efficient nanny. We were laughing recently, because she was saying that the only way to keep the place up to her standards at the weekends is to stay out of it as much as possible .

Messy houses, get over yourself, filthy, garbage filled houses... Another story but if you have never asked to help your friend, who may be struggling, sort things out then yeah I would judge you.