To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

[northernstar0412]

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

If I don't have to clean it, I don't care of it's messy, dusty, etc. I won't go to filthy disgusting houses thst make me want to run home and scrub myself.

What I hate is messy friends coming to my house and constantly making comments on how clean my house is compared to theirs. It makes me feel I have to make excuses for why it's clean.

I do say no thank you to offers of cups of coffee from people whose cats walk all over the work tops and bread board, brushing their tails along cups etc
Me too. Especially those with an overuse litter tray in the Kitchen. 🤢

I feel most comfortable in a home which is reasonable tidy but lived in. Places that are too clean and with no clutter at all feel like show homes and don't make anyone feel at ease. It would have to be a health hazard before it actually bothered me enough to avoid going round for a cup of tea.

I grew up with a hoarder in a 3 bed council house. 7 people lived there. Chaos.

I am the opposite now and people always comment on my “spotless” house. When my house does get a bit cluttered, it starts affecting my mental health. I do not spend hours cleaning, it’s easy to keep my space clean as we don’t accumulate things and clear out stuff often.

I don’t give a shiny shit how much mess other people have but I’m with you on the dirt.

A friend invited me and ds for a play date, I turned up and I cannot begin to describe the filth. 3 cats, spilling litter trays, cat sick, hadn’t been hoovered for months. Kitchen looked like a squatters with rotten food/plates.

My son had an asthma attack. I told her straight. “I can’t come over because your house is a health hazard to my son. Please come over mine.”

I keep my house like a pigsty.

I find it's useful for repelling judgey fuckers.

I have a friend who I suspect has some sort of hoarding condition.
There is stuff everywhere in her home. It’s even piled up on the radiators. She is constantly moving things from one place to another to make some ‘space’. She has cats too and when I go there I immediately feel my chest tighten, even though I don’t have asthma or allergies.
When mine were younger I’d avoid going over because I was worried about my little ones putting something in their mouths.
Now I will go but I admit I feel extremely uncomfortable there. I feel for her child, who eats off a play table covered in stuff and does her homework there too. It’s a 3 bed place but there’s no other room.
I don’t know what, if anything I should do. She knows what other people’s homes are like and despite everything I’ve said, her child has clothes that fit and food in her belly.

None of my friends live in a pigsty...all their homes are immaculate. Mine is more lived in but I clean like a mad woman if anyone comes over.

I'd happily visit someone who lives in a mess...I'm pretty easy going and it would make me feel better about myself

I agree with the pps saying it's hard to relax in spotless, white carpet territory.

My husband has a single friend who is very meticulous. His whole house is sparse, white carpets without a speck of fluff; just immaculate. It's stressful to visit, even the end of the toilet roll is folded neatly over, if I dry my hands on a towel I ensure I fold it and hang it back exactly in line with the others.

However, that's extreme. Surely most of us fall into the middle ground of fairly clean and tidy, a bit cluttered? It's rare to come across either extreme of cleanliness/dirtiness.

YABU.
My house is spotless but I would NEVER not visit someone because of their house.
It's not 'inconsiderate' not sure what you think makes you so precious that someone else should consider your feelings when entering THEIR home.
If someone needed help with their house I'd also be the first one offering to help.
You're so rude.

My house has always been spotlessly clean and tidy. I always thought my children would be glad of it as when I was growing up my house was filthy and no one was allowed to visit. However my now adult children told me recently that when they were teenagers, their friends didn't like to visit our home as it was so clean/tidy they felt uncomfortable in there. I'm sure there is a middle ground somewhere.

I'm not bothered about messy houses but I do notice any dirt. It wouldn't stop me visiting though.

I think there is a difference between a mess and dirty.
I think most families with young kids will find their house in a mess at times, but if you feelit is so dirty that your kids can get sick than maybe you should give the place a wide berth.

This does all sound a bit Hyacinth v Daisy and Rose!

I agree with the pps saying it's hard to relax in spotless, white carpet territory.

I don't. I'm not clumsy so I don't worry about spilling stuff. I have one friend whose house is like a showhome. I love her house. I love the minimal, clinical look. She has Karndean downstairs not carpet though.

My house looks lived in - nothing matches, I have pictures and photographs everywhere, but it is clean and tidy.

There's so many levels of cleanliness. For my home, it's tidy and clean, I feel happier when I walk into a room and it's clean and tidy. I find I get into a bad mood when it's not. We have things about the house, it's not bare and people always seem happy to sit on my chairs and relax which I don't mind.

There are some other houses I wouldn't go into, I've been in my brother's house about 5 times, they are just manky, it smells the minute you get in, the bathrooms always have wet towels with silverfish crawling about, always underwear flung in sinks or bath or shower, loads of empty bottles in bathrooms, kitchen worktops full of dirty dishes, they'll tell you to use a cup from the dishwasher but it's always full, smells and filthy. Never a chair to sit in as everywhere has clothes, piles of clothes on chairs, table, radiators, doors.

Then I have a sil who makes you take off your shoes upon entering, when you get to your last mouthful of coffee she takes the cup and scrubs it and puts it away, you can only eat at the table and you are not allowed in the living room as that's for visitors

All in all all their children seem happy in both houses.

When my house gets cluttered, it starts affecting my mental health

Actually, yes I identify with that. It affects my mood- I feel like things are getting out of control if there is debris everywhere and I haven't hoovered! I can't ignore it.

I remember when a health visitor visited my house after giving birth and I'd stuffed lots of clutter behind the living room door in a quick tidying up attempt.
Unfortunately, she shut the door to do a hearing check on my son and everything fell out on top of her. I was so embarrassed.

I have family members whose home is spotless but sterile, it upsets my sensibilities far more to sit in a room with no books, cushions etc.
Messy homes are usually far more cheerful ime.
Dirty is another level I can do without.

My own home is clean and a bit cluttered because I love having books, craft projects etc around.

Sooo... i have this friend. Her house is really really tidy and everything in the right place, cushions neatly arranged, no shoes left by the door, nice fruit bowl in the kitchen with fresh fruit, no cup left unwashed, there is virtually no clutter at all anywhere. BUT. The house is absolutely filthy. There is dust from the year 2000 on everything. Cobwebs in the corners. Shower never seen a cleaning product. The hand towel by the filthy sink in the bathroom is sticky and smelly. Toilet dirty with ‘bits’ stuck to the surface. Stove greasy and probably there is alternative life crawling on the kitchen floor living off the crumbs.
I do wonder... does she not realise? That you have to clean, and not just arrange things neatly? I never visit anymore because i don’t want to disturb the black death lurking under the carpet.

I completely get it OP, I am a clean freak, my house is always tidy and I will make sure it’s clean everyday even if we have no visitors. Mess and clutter gives me anxiety but dirt literally drives me crazy! My sister lives in a pig sty, it’s filthy and she never cleans, when I visit her I feel the stark difference in energy between our homes and I tend to go home and clean everything again as I don’t want it to end up like my sisters house! My sister is 15yrs older than me and as such we had different upbringings, when I was born our family life became chaotic which is why I think I am so OCD, whereas she had a pretty standard upbringing from our parents. My brother who is older also, is the same and lives in a tip! I think a bit of clutter is fine, but literal dirt and mess everywhere surely signals a bigger problem?

Messy - Meh!
Dirty - avoid.

If it's just untidy with clutter everywhere then that's fine. If it's more like a hoarders place then I would probably still go for a courtesy visit but struggle through it. Depends how much I enjoy the company of the inviter oc course.

I like clean and tidy. I don't enjoy going to friends messy houses, but I understand that this is my issue. I draw the line at dirty.

I don't mind clutter but I don't like very dusty or dirty houses that smell. Dirty nappies, neglected pet care and incontinence are my pet hates. I use a strongly fragranced salve up my nostrils sometimes. I try to be understanding and not judgmental.

I tend to be more suspicious of pristine show homes. I think they can potentially indicate hidden issues. A cesspit of a home is screaming outright that the inhabitants are struggling in some way.

My friend's ex went to prison and she faced a lot of judgement - that she was aware of and accepted his behaviour. Her house and children have now become immaculate. It's maybe her way of regaining control or an attempt to avoid providing any ammunition for the judgmental people that surround her.

I've been in houses where toys are staged and obviously never played with. Children are not allowed to make a mess and the parent's sole focus is on keeping the house and people presented in a perfect state. The children grow up with either identical houses or very relaxed, cluttered homes.

I'm the friend with the messy house! I don't know anyone with a place so messy I wouldn't go there - I mean when I was younger I knew people who lived in squats which were always pretty grim, but didn't mind.

Clutter is fine, I would be put off by smelly clothes and congealing plates left around.

I'll tidy a bit for friends, but I wouldn't feel I had to make the place spotless.

I keep my house like a pigsty. I find it's useful for repelling judgey fuckers

We have avoided visiting or staying with friends who whose house was as you described. It was uncomfortably messy and chaotic. Those friends are lovely, cheerful and welcoming but so laid back when it came to housework that even I felt a bit icky - and I'm not exactly pristine.