Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

281 replies

northernstar0412 · 14/10/2020 02:45

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

OP posts:
Pikachubaby · 16/10/2020 12:48

I get really stressed out by people’s houses if it’s spotless Grin

Localocal · 16/10/2020 12:55

I have a high tolerance for clutter and mess and would not normally be bothered, but I do have one friend who is a genuine hoarder. I love her, but I can't be in her house anymore. The last time I was there I stayed over and felt slightly ill, even though I know she had made an effort with the area I slept in. The evidence of her mental health problem was just overwheling - the house was filthy as well as incredibly cluttered. I'm a little surprised social services didn't get involved, though her kids are amazing, well-loved, meticulously raised and happy.

saussaggessandmasshh · 16/10/2020 12:58

I don't avoid them but i do feel uncomfortable.

I think there's a difference for me. Untidy and unclean. They are two different things and I have different tolerance levels for them.

My house is very clean.

Kitchen and bathroom cleaned thoroughly every 2-3 days, same with mopping hard floors.

Hoover daily.

Dust/antibacterial spray weekly

Bath towels washed every couple of days.

Bedding changed weekly.

No clutter. Everything has a place.

It always smells clean too.

But. It's not 'tidy' during the day ever.

Toys come out and cover the living room. The kids play with whatever they want, I'm not a neat freak.

They can paint, play doh, aqua beads, kinetic sand. They make sense using blankets and furniture. Whatever. As long as it all gets tidied up before bath time.

I just can't stand uncleanliness.

Dirty sinks. Piss on the toilet. Shit stains in the toilet. Hairs all over the bathroom. Greasy kitchen. Crumbs all over the furniture and floor. It's stuff like that that makes my skin crawl and I don't know how people can live in a dirty home.

saussaggessandmasshh · 16/10/2020 13:00

Make dens* not sense Grin

Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 16/10/2020 13:51

I'm with you OP I couldn't bear to sit in such an untidy house with clutter everywhere. As part of my job I used to visit untidy and dirty houses, I'd try not to let it affect me and would sit on the edge of a seat having the conversation I needed to have but would I choose to go to a house like that? never.

Mmpip · 16/10/2020 15:56

I'm definitely more of a clean 'freak' being raised by a crazy mother who couldn't tolerate any mess or disorder, but my lovely sister was shocking. She took a boyfriend home with her and he thought she'd been burgled....😆 Everytime I visited I'd spend a couple of hours cleaning and tidying but it'd be back to a shambolic mess within a couple of days.... I still loved to visit though. We're all made different i suppose....!!!!

user1471538283 · 16/10/2020 16:34

I used to be ok with mess or a bit of clutter when I was younger and I was find with DSs toys as long as they were in a corner. But the older I get the less I can stand it as it makes me anxious. I recognise this is me though and it wouldn't stop me visiting a friend unless it was really bad

Linguaphile · 16/10/2020 16:51

A lived-in bit of mess is okay I think. It’s virtually impossible to keep a house pristine with children unless you are constantly cleaning or have live-in help, especially if there are pets around. However, really dirty is off-putting. I’ve one friend in particular whose house (in addition to being really full of clutter and mess) smells very strongly of damp and cat wee and body odour. There is not a single square foot of clear floor space in the children’s bedrooms; it’s just a sea of things like toys and laundry and papers. There have got to be spiders living in there. I won’t lie, it’s not very pleasant to stay longer than an hour or so as the smell is overpowering, even though she herself is absolutely lovely.

I admit we have a cleaner to make sure the floors and surfaces/loos/windows/linens get done regularly (and the clutter stays in check as I do a tidy before she comes), but it always gets messy the minute the children arrive home from school. We do some maintenance between visits and I’ll do a whip round before someone comes, but I’ve given up making the house spotless before every visit. I think a bit of scruffy hospitality can be quite welcoming.

mammy28 · 16/10/2020 17:24

I love to clean but I stay alone so basically it doesn’t get messed up. I could go into any house and hardly even notice as long as I get a chat n a cuppa. Acquaintance who is never out of mine has told me quite bluntly “ I can’t have you in my house , ur too tidy” so never get invited with others. “ I need my kitchen done first “ it’s all done “ oh I need to paint my lounge and get a new suite “ it’s one thing after another. Never in my life have I EVER made anybody uncomfortable in my home in fact she txt me to say that I am the perfect hostess ( bearing in mind it’s just a cuppa tea). Takes a phone call in front of me for 10 mins ( height of really bad manners). Until lockdown going on for mths bloody at a loss as to what to think.

Nonamesavail · 16/10/2020 17:27

I dont clean before friends come. Why? And I don't care if their house is messy.

Violinist64 · 16/10/2020 17:32

I am with sausageseggsandchips. I have a cleaner and similar general cleaning regime but hoover only when necessary. I wouldn't let it get dirty, though. My children are grown up so I can be tidier now. I become very squeamish with dirt and smells. We have a small dog and he is bathed once a month (any more would be bad for his coat and skin) and l have room diffusers to avert any odour. He is a breed that does not moult.l know mental health problems can make motivation difficult and people have different tolerance levels when it comes to health and hygiene as demonstrated by this thread. There comes a point where it is beyond different comfort zones and a matter of health. If there is grease, grime and smells this is probably a good indicator that heath hazard territory has been entered.

Violinist64 · 16/10/2020 17:32

I meant clutter and hygiene.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 16/10/2020 17:42

This thread is funny. I have a friend whose house is absolutely immaculate and I do mean it could be a show home.

Mine is always untidy and I feel self conscious if she comes here.

But I was at her house recently and used the downstairs loo and washed my hands. When I sat back down and picked up my tea cup I could smell that rank smell of mildewy unwashed towel on my hands! Revolting! My house might be untidy but my towels would never get in that state.

Made me feel less inferior, that did, but couldn't wait to get home and wash my hands again.

LakieLady · 16/10/2020 19:14

@Mmpip

I'm definitely more of a clean 'freak' being raised by a crazy mother who couldn't tolerate any mess or disorder, but my lovely sister was shocking. She took a boyfriend home with her and he thought she'd been burgled....😆 Everytime I visited I'd spend a couple of hours cleaning and tidying but it'd be back to a shambolic mess within a couple of days.... I still loved to visit though. We're all made different i suppose....!!!!
A friend of mine was burgled, and as she lived alone, she was scared to go in when she got home to find the front door had been forced open (she was only 20 and had never lived alone before, she wasn't just a complete wuss), so she waited for the police to arrive before she went in.

A nice young copper went in and had a look around, then came out and said that it was safe to go in, but he was afraid the burglar had left the place in a terrible mess.

She went in to find it was exactly as she'd left it! Clothes and shoes everywhere, drawers open with stuff hanging out, dirty dishes and glasses and towels all over the place - she was mortified!

But I guess there are advantages to leaving it like - nothing had been stolen. Grin

YellowBeryl1 · 16/10/2020 19:31

Yabu, untidy is ok, they may be busy with work etc. Dirty isn't OK, I visited an old friend who let her dog crap over the garden, never cleaned it up, dirty walls, smelly dusty dirty living room. I couldn't wait to leave!

TheOneWhoWalksInTheSun · 16/10/2020 19:41

There has to be a middle ground.
Obvious dirt doesn't make me feel comfortable.
But scrubbing for hours for fear of being judged can't be a happy life, can it?

TheOneWhoWalksInTheSun · 16/10/2020 19:41

And yes I've had the police comment on theess tee burglar left.😂

TheOneWhoWalksInTheSun · 16/10/2020 19:42

..the mess that the

TheOneWhoWalksInTheSun · 16/10/2020 19:43

The tidy housemate had her stuff nicked!

Mangofandangoo · 16/10/2020 19:52

I am very clean and tidy and like you, I am house proud. But I wouldn't judge someone else based on this. As long as it's clean then it's all good.

MrsRogerLima · 16/10/2020 19:58

I have two friends that fit this category. The first is cluttered and messy but clean underneath it all. The other is disgustingly filthy messy and cluttered.

Both friends I love, both I love to spend time with. But I avoid meeting friend number 2 at her home.

Heatherjayne1972 · 16/10/2020 20:04

I can’t deal with houseproud people. It’s too stressful when they can’t cope with a bit of clutter. They make me anxious
My house isn’t tidy but tough I don’t have time for endless cleaning
If people come round and judge my untidiness then they’re not really friends are they

Wrenna · 16/10/2020 20:09

Messy and cluttered is different from downright dirty. Yanbu as far as dirty is concerned. I’ve been to such horrific smelling friends (one friend) house my dh and I both started to gag. She simply couldn’t smell it because she was used to it. I’d never go there again, and no there were no underlying issues, she quite often said she had better things to do.

RonaCor · 16/10/2020 20:12

all of us clean freaks who hate disorder.

That in itself could be disordered thinking.

Porridgeoat · 16/10/2020 20:18

I don’t go round friends houses and judge cleanliness. I go to see my amazing friends. They could be sat in a pool of pig shit and I wouldn’t give a toss.

I’m in the middle tidiness and cleanliness wise. Deep clean once a week, beds changed once a week, some clutter but that’s all homed once a week. Dishes washed daily or alternate days if busy. The worst houses I visit belong to the people who obsessively clean. Very difficult to relax

Swipe left for the next trending thread