To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

[northernstar0412]

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

I've been in a situation before where I chose not to let people visit because of the state of my home. I was never a naturally tidy person but at some point it got out of control and I couldn't cope. I'd never expect or want anyone to sit amongst my mess if they felt uncomfortable - but if it's really that bad try to think about why that might be. If its just clutter and they are otherwise healthy and happy and don't mind, fair enough but if it's affecting their ability to live normally I would try and tactfully offer some help.

I'm the opposite now - I can cope with a dish or two beside the sink or leaving an extra day between hoovering. I work full time, single parent and I've trained myself to keep on top of things.I still naturally get the fear if an unexpected visitor arrives but generally speaking my home is always clean and pleasant now.

I wouldn't mind visiting someone else with clutter and as long as I knew they were coping with life and it wasnt unhygienic I could see past it.

MayFayre

The opposite. I avoid the ones with spotless houses, white carpets etc. I’m clumsy and I’m terrified that I’ll spill coffee or break something!

I have a friend with a house like this and I never go there. It’s like a really dull show home.
It is minimally decorated, nothing is out of place, uncomfortable modern furniture and it feels like we are sitting very still in a box.
I invite her to come over to me nowadays.
Funnily enough, when she does come over to mine she makes herself very comfortable. She beds down almost! Feet up on the sofa, lots of cushions.
I often wonder how she relaxes in her own home.

You sound a bit crazed, with all the ‘scrubbing my humble abode for hours before visitors’ stuff. Do you not have people in your house very often, if you feel the need for all that palaver?

Interesting to hear how many people don't care that their house is messy, or cluttered, or 'lived in'.

My OH's parents are hoarders and he and his brothers admit that, when they were younger (they're in their 40/50s now), they wouldn't invite friends round, because they were embarrassed by the mess, and it had a real impact on them emotionally and psychologically as children.

I don't mind messy but I would avoid going to a dirty house. I wouldn't want a cup of tea there nor would I want to use the loo.

I grew up in a house that wasn't great. It was reaonably clean, but cluttered and always halfway through being decorated for years. Once all we had in the lounge was a small settee and a rolled up carpet - for years, so I avoided having friends over. My mum was single and worked full time in a low paid job with three teenagers not being particularly tidy in a small council house. She just didn't have the money or time to be as house proud as our friends parents. We did do a lot for ourselves because of this, but teenagers are notoriously hard to motivate, especially with cleaning.

I live in a flat with two kids and we both work full time. So while I clean a lot, space is an issue and it gets cluttered very easily. Kids are both under 5, so the house is just never clean and I'm exhausted keeping on top of it with a busy FT job too. We cook from scratch as well, that takes time.

I find a lot of clean freaks idea of cooking is shoving a pizza or ready meal in the oven, then they lord it up over others that their kitchen is spotless! It's because they don't fucking cook in it. Others tend to have much more time to clean and aren't working many hours, or have lots of space so it is easy to clean. I think maybe it is worth considering her circumstances OP, but if you really can't stomach it, to then invite her to yours.

I can handle mess - such as toys and clothes being piled up everywhere.
But dirt - nope, can't cope with it. I have been to houses where people let cat poo pile up in litter trays. Someone else was potty-training their child and used to leave the potty full to the brim with wee on the living room floor.
I'm very similar to you OP - if I have visitors I make sure my house is clean and tidy.

I can deal with messy - I mean our house is a bit on the cluttered side (I blame lack of storage!) but I can’t deal with really dirty houses. I got friendly with a school mum last year and went to her house and it was the filthiest house I’ve ever seen. I hated being there and when I got home I got a shower and changed - it was that bad. And yes the house was super messy too but it was the filth that I really couldn’t stand. I was invited over again but sort of made excuses (I was busy, etc) but now they’ve moved schools so it’s all sort of tailed off.

It doesn't stop me visiting altogether but it does probably make me visit less often. The friend I have isn't struggling in any way. She just doesn't care. That's some of the reason I like her so much. But I feel uncomfortable in her house really and I am used to dirty houses through work.

I don't mind untidy, I do mind unclean. We clean the place on the weekend so if you come over on a Saturday night, it will be close to spotless. If you come over Friday night, you get whatever level of tidy we managed to maintain over the week.

I hate the insinuation here that being clean and tidy means that there is something wrong with you and you are cold and unwelcoming and never have time to do things with your children.

My house is clean and usually tidy, but it is homely, not a show house. We always make people feel welcome, and when DD is home and sees friends it is usually at our house because they feel so welcome.

I grew up in a messy, very cluttered and dirty house. It was bad enough that people used to comment on it. By the time I was socially aware enough to realise I used to clean and tidy before we had any visitors.

Whoever said a tidy desk is a sign of a sick mind sounds like someone making excuses. DH's desk is chaos. He is always complaining that he can't find stuff. He works chaotically and inefficiently as well, and gets very stressed. Half of the stuff on his desk is on the floor. I couldn't work like that. It would make me feel stressed. My desk has two wide-screen monitors, a mouse mat, mouse, keyboard, headset, catalogue, notepad and pen, and that is it.

If your sister spends all her time cleaning, it sounds as if she has a mental illness and needs help

I think it's really sad to spend hours stressing so much about whether your house is clean enough for visitors. Your house is somewhere where you and your family should feel comfortable, not a show home for other people who won't, frankly, be that impressed. I remember meeting someone who had been fairly obsessive about cleaning, and she said she really regretted the amount of hours she had spent cleaning the same bits of floor instead of playing with her children, talking to them and taking them out, or just creating things with lasting benefits.

@northernstar0412

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

Messy homes I'm not to fussed about, it's if they're dirty that I can't deal with. If I can't avoid going then I just say I've just eaten/drank before I came.

Oh, and we hoover and dust about every 7 to 10 days.

Like others have said, mess doesn't bother me. My house is generally tidy but lived in however it is clean. I have a good friend who's house I can no longer go to as it is so dirty. They have many pets who have basically peed in the house and the last time we visited the smell was enough to make your eyes water. Dirt is ingrained in their floor tiles and a thick sticky layer of dust over everything. I can't eat or drink comfortably and my DH has said he can't go back. So we meet at ours or in a restaurant half way but I feel sad and embarrassed that I'm always making excuses about not going there.

A bit under normal circumstances yes. I do wonder how they can live in such clutter.

I don't think ultra cleanliness or ultra dirty is good a happy medium to me in the best but some people are really disgusting. Basic hygiene appears to have missed them.

Animal smells, unhygienic bathrooms and kitchens are the worst. Obviously if the place is so cluttered moving things is necessary to sit down it's unpleasant. I know some people say you visit the person but I wonder where their very low standards came from.

I don’t mind untidy but don’t like dirty. My house isn’t spotless, there’s a few cobwebs and the odd finger print on light switches but I try and keep it tidy if someone coming over.

I have an ex who has a filthy, messy house. I absolutely hated going there. Theres always muddy bicycles, sports equipment, huge kit bags, a camp bed, building materials, new tyres, new car parts all piled together in the living room because he cant be bothered to put them in the garage, clothes drying next to the radiator for weeks in the same room. Mantelpiece and sofas covered in general rubbish. All at the same time, all the time. Cobwebs everywhere. The curtains are water stained and grey. I changed his net curtains as the old ones were grey and minging, and they just disintegrated when I touched them. I hate going there, its horrible being surrounded by so much stuff. There' shoes piled on every stair. Wallpaper missing/hanging off on the stairs, walls are damp. Empty shampoo/shower gel bottles thrown near the bin in the bathroom and left there for weeks with other rubbish, bathroom never gets cleaned. New bottles piled up on the window ledge (18 at the last count). Bedroom is dusty, cobwebs everywhere, wallpaper hanging off, clothes piled on top of cupboards or taken off and left on the floor. The other 2 bedrooms are inaccesible as theyre full to bursting with other stuff, including a new toilet to replace one thats been broken/wont flush for circa 3 years, a bucket of hardened wallpaper paste from when he "decorated" 2 years ago, by which I mean painted the walls grey to hide the grey mould. The kitchen is too bad for words. Oven is so filthy and greasy its a genuine fire hazard. Same discloth for over 3 years that occasionally gets used to wipe everything - floors, pots, bins, surfaces. He doesnt use any cleaning products other than washing up liquid (once or twice a week when he runs out of pots). Empty beer and whisky bottles piled next to the bin. The place stinks. Conservatory is not useable as its full of broken white goods and furniture. Outside looks like a scrapyard. Cant use the garden as its too overgrown. Yes, I have cleaned and tidied for him in the recent past, but it just reverted immediately despite promises he'd be tidier. He doesnt own a toothbrush, a hairbrush (although he has long hair) or a hoover. A good friend tells me hes currently active on several OLD apps. This is because I refused to move back in there with him, he ended our relationship, telling me told me he'd have no trouble finding someone else who'd be happy to...

@lovelemoncurd

You actually took notice of someone that said ''a tidy desk is a sign of a sick mind' how very odd

A tidy desk is likely an organised worker!

I try and avoid it too where I can op. I can't stand sitter in other peoples mess and clutter. Sometimes there's no choice but I don't like it.

Cluttered but clean - not a problem.
Cluttered and dirty , smelly ect,- nope.

I don't mind messy my home is messy at times.
I'd a friend who's house was filthy, her bath tub was full of broken toys all covered in dust so never moved I didn't wonder how they wash?
I saw her take dirty clothes from wherever wet a corner to clean her DC's filthy faces in the morning.

My DM always says "There is a difference between being untidy/cluttered and being filthy/lazy" in regards to cleaning a home

I like my own home to be clean and tidy and will put a bit of effort in before guests come over but its not 'scared to relax spotless cream carpet territory'.
I couldnt care less about how others choose to present their home unless its really smelly and has fleas/bed bugs.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless

As a guest I do not find this welcoming at all.

The best hosts are relaxed, and trust me to be visiting them without judging them.

So what if somewhere is untidy?

I do say no thank you to offers of cups of coffee from people whose cats walk all over the work tops and bread board, brushing their tails along cups etc. This is a surprisingly invisible activity to many cat owners.