To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

[northernstar0412]

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

I have one friend who lives in a massive bit of a sty.

I don't avoid visiting. I do avoid eating, drinking or using the bathroom.

I can't go to my in laws as it makes me so stressed and anxious. It's filthy. When i get home i end up scrubbing my home to compensate. I recognise this is all my issue.

@SnackBitch2020

I'm sorry to hear this. My grandma was just the same as your friend, and people were very unkind to her without really understand she had a mental illness.

That’s exactly why I never brought it up with her. She really was one of the loveliest, kindest people I knew. She was super smart too!, highly educated and very well read. She came from a very dysfunctional family though with a lot of abuse including sexual abuse. Her story was horrible. However I have my own backstory including traumatic childhood abuse (a whole other thread!), which has caused me to be the opposite. I get extremely anxious in disordered environments. I have to have order and cleanliness. I guess it’s my way of feeling in control. I’m aware it’s an issue and have had lots of counselling over the years but it hasn’t really helped. It is difficult to find a balance between accepting the person for who they are, warts and all, and caring for your own MH.

I find extremely houseproud people hard to understand. During lockdown I bumped into a neighbour out shopping and she invited me back for tea in her garden. I sat out there (remember the gorgeous weather in the spring? ) and she brought out the tea. But she didn't sit down, she started taking her washing off the line! I said "do you have to do that now?" cos I know what she's like and she said "yes, I just have to. I can't relax if the garden looks untidy because of my washing".

It wouldn't occur to me to take washing in if a friend was sitting in my garden. It's when you realise that people DO do those things that you feel judged.

One of my friends has a messy house but I always have the best time there. Feel totally relaxed. We have a cuppa and a laugh and we always have the best time.

Yanbu at all! Just can't do it.