To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

[northernstar0412]

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

Not bothered about messy really as I have an extremely small house and a child so it gets messy quickly. I can't stand greasy grime. Im not even bothered about a bit of dust. We were friends with my neighbours who have now moved house, they have hearts of gold and loved my son to pieces however they also smoke like chimneys and their house was grubby to say the least. They invited use to their new flat after they moved and we went it smelt lile BO, dog and fags. I also stank when I came out. They turned up last Christmas to give my son some presents so I had to let them in so my house stank. I hate unannounced visiting as well. I also had to chuck the presents beacuse they reeked of fags. Its awful really because they are lovely, kind people. I just don't think that they realise how pongy they are.

I much prefer visiting a lived in house. I visit the person, not the home. People with messy houses themselves are much more welcome at mine as I don't have to stress about my own imperfections.

There's a spectrum, everyone has their comfort zone. Our house is cluttered because I have a job and two kids and I would have to either nag my husband a lot or pick up the slack to keep it clean and tidy.

To be honest, I'm not comfortable in a spotless house because it makes me feel scruffy and as if I'm making the place untidy if I put my bag down or leave a cup out. I'm also uncomfortable in a hosue with encrusted dirt, sticky surfaces etc. I prefer a light scattering of clutter and some dusty corners!

Each to her own!

I'm not comfortable in a spotless home either I'm clumsy I feel like Hyacinths neighbour Elizabeth when I visit Dsis.
Mine is definitely clean/tidy but not perfect I think it is comfortable.
Sometimes the floor is covered in toys and cushions. DS goes from one thing to another in minutes.

I once visited a friend of my husband's and the smell of pets when they opened the door was eye watering.

They had dogs, cats, mice, rabbits, hamsters - you name it.
If it was a small, furry mammal, then they kept it as a pet.

I gave my husband 'the look' that said 'one cup of tea and that's it'.

Nice enough people, but there was no reason why they couldn't get some Jif and keep the bloody house clean.

I'm comfortable with clutter. I hate it when BiL literally sweeps under your feet at the table while ypu're still finishing desert. Not relaxing.

I have different levels of clean-up for various friends/ family.
Tier 1, close cluttery friends, last minute load the fisheasher, whizz the vacuum around the middle of the floor, check seating is free.
Tier 2, my family, generally tidy and cleared surfaces but not worry about decluttering everything peripheral.
Tier 3, In-Law level, a week purging the house.

I might grumble and rant about an in-law level clean up, but 2020 has proved that it is useful if they visit a few times a year as it it hard to motivate to more occasional low priority jobs without them

A fisheasher is actually a dishwasher

well, I sort of agree with you. I find it hard to feel comfortable in a very messy house, more so if it is also dirty.

But then you said you scrub and clean for hours before anyone comes over. that is really not normal.

Assuming you house is within normal range of clean and tidy, and you know someone is coming over, then a quick tidy up, straighten cushions and maybe (if it REALLY needs doing) run the hoover round is normal. Doing hours of cleaning is extreme.

My house is not perfect, there is a level of family lived in which I am comfortable with, I would do a quick whip round if you are coming, BUT and this is also important, if you dropped in, I would not be worried that I hadn't hoovered that day, and would not worry that my house is not perfect. The person has not come to do a house inspection, they have come to see you.

Spotless houses aren't actually very welcoming. Especially if you are coming with kids.

I hate the idea that friends are coming to my house and judging me on how tidy it is. It really doesn't bother me what someone else's house looks like, it's not my house.

@BogRollBOGOF

A fisheasher is actually a dishwasher

Don't knock the fisheaser! 😉

When you need to ease a fish, what else are you going to use??

How messy are we talking? Do you mean like all surfaces covered, piles of clothes and papers everywhere, no floor space etc.? Or do you mean like a bit of clutter around? And do you mean dirty, as in your be afraid to have a drink or use the loo? If so then YANBU but from your description of scrubbing for hours before visitors I suspect your standards might be too high (either that or your house is normally very untidy/dirty )

My Aunt lives in a very big country house in the countryside. She has lots of animals that roam the house. Yes her home is not up to my standard and I don't understand how a house can be quite dirty and untidy but I love my Aunt so much that I turn a blind eye. I enjoy her company and my children love the countryside and the animals when we visit. I would much rather visit my Aunts house than my mother's show house tbh.

*you'd be afraid

Mumsnetters would probably judge my house, there is usually cat fur around. I do sweep but I have a very fluffy cat and it's pretty hard to eliminate. I even found a bit of fur in the freezer once (God knows how she did that!)

I don’t mind mess, unfolded washing or dust. Musty animal smells and grime is a different matter.

My ex sister in laws house is a bit like this. Not so much messy but dirty, greasy residue in the kitchen, toilet bowl is stained below the water line etc. She used to have leather sofas which were always sticky when you sat down. The bathroom . I do love her to bits and despite her no longer being with my brother we still see each other from time to time but I do avoid staying the night. I do think this kind of thing is almost hereditary. Her mums house is exactly the same but with the added bonus of an old incontinent dog.

My MIL has a lot of clutter but her house is clean, so to dust the mantelpiece would take ages as so much stuff would have to be moved but that’s fine. I do have a friend whose house is not just cluttered its stepping through piles of stuff on the floor and it’s really quite dirty. She does have issues and I have when she has said she needs help offered to give her a hand but it never comes to anything. Visiting her house is stressful as so dirty.

My friends job meant home visits to clients. She said the range of tidiness and cleanliness was huge. She had to turn down cups of tea in some homes because they were genuinely filthy.

Clutter wouldn't bother me I'm chilled but
If the countertop was covered in filth, clothes dirty/clean dishes with dried food, thick layers of grease, buried sink, shoes sticking to the floor, over flowing bin it is a dirty house IMO not acceptable for DC but not a crime.
There was a child discovered in the UK with his zombie dog. his pet dogs carcass The home was deplorable how the neighbours didn't notice, thankfully his teacher noticed.

I was brought up that a house is more for the comfort of other people than the occupants. So biggest bedroom put aside as spare room etc.

That seems to me like a very skewed way to live your life. Like you're putting on a performance for an audience.

So long as I’m not picking up dirt on my clothes from where I sat, the messier the better as it makes me feel better about my own (very slightly untidy) house.
I would I have a bit of a tidy before people come round, but nothing major if it was just for a cup of tea. Big tidy if doing fancy entertaining.

I am afraid I am the same - don’t know how people function in mess - can’t find things - that would definitely up my stress levels ! Sorry no excuse to be messy!

Messy fine , a little dirty even ok
Really filthy then yes i would avoid
My house is in the middle one day you could arrive and its spotless another day and its washing everywhere etc and generally clean on the surface ( wouldnt want someone to look closely at the skirtings or under the sofa)

www.thesun.co.uk/news/11903213/schoolboy-living-dead-dog-piles-garbage/
Apologies for the Sun link

No. I'm actually much more uncomfortable in extremely tidy houses. But a house would have to be a death trap to put me off visiting it.

It totally depends. When you say pigsty I’m imagining a dirty house and there is a huge difference between a dirty and messy house. A dirty house will smell rancid, have dirty dishes lying around, filthy bathrooms, overflowing bins, perhaps dirty nappies lying around and even in some instances faeces from pets. An untidy home just appears a little cluttered probably because young children live there.

I can deal with untidy, I really can’t deal with dirty and smelly.