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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

281 replies

northernstar0412 · 14/10/2020 02:45

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

OP posts:
DaisyandRoses · 14/10/2020 08:51

Ahh this reminds me of the other week. We are moving soon and had a visit from a removal company. DH forgot to remind me and I had to show him around our house, it was an absolute state. Our toddler had trashed it that morning and there was just clothes/ junk everywhere. I was mortified as I’m a really house proud person! I apologised for the mess but DH got very told off on that one.

Angelina82 · 14/10/2020 08:52

I’m surprised that you’re not embarrassed to admit you have to tidy and scrub your house for hours before it’s presentable for guests. Do you care more for visitors than the people who actually have to live in it?

Emmapeeler2 · 14/10/2020 08:52

I am also the friend with the messy house. This does not appear to stop friends suggesting we meet at mine with their kids, who untidy it even more!

AyDeeAitchDee · 14/10/2020 08:53

"Our lovely mum had severe mental health issues and it wasn't her fault. Dad wouldn't help around the house."

So you're completely aware of what can cause a house to be messy.

And yet are still judging/blaming your friend?

DaisyandRoses · 14/10/2020 08:53

Oh and I agree houses with cats are generally really unhygienic and smelly unless the owners keep on top of it daily.

ddl1 · 14/10/2020 08:55

If I think that their house is so dirty as to be unhygienic, then I would avoid visting, especially at the present time. Messiness as such wouldn't bother me.

I certainly wouldn't scrub or clean for hours before a visitor came - I might tidy up slightly. They're coming to see me, not my home.

AGoatAteIt · 14/10/2020 08:57

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

How filthy and messy is your house usually that it takes hours to make it clean and tidy enough for someone to come round for a cuppa and a chat?

Snowpaw · 14/10/2020 08:57

I do feel better when my house is neat and tidy. But. I am not prepared to have the lifestyle of a person with an immaculate house. I have a friend with an immaculate white carpet type house and most of the time when we talk about what we’ve done at the weekend she will have said “I did a mad cleaning mission all morning then cut the grass in afternoon then got a takeaway etc”. Whereas I might have used the same day to go on a big walk outdoors, come home and cooked a dinner from scratch, played dressing up / painting etc with my kid and then enjoyed some tv in the evening. I want to use my time for things I enjoy. I do not want to spend my weekends cleaning. I like cooking and that makes a mess. Yes I could have an immaculate kitchen but I don’t want to eat takeaway 3 times a week. I also have another immaculate friend that doesn’t seem to enjoy relaxing - doesn’t watch films, doesn’t really do a right lot besides cleaning and working. Doesn’t read books etc.

I have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight and does all the floors / deep clean of kitchen and bathroom etc. I keep on top of things in between. The kitchen / toilet I always clean properly every few days. I wipe up spills etc / obvious dirt. I put laundry away once a week. But other than that I have a rather “lived in” house with a fair bit of stuff around. It’s the balance that works for me.

Bloomburger · 14/10/2020 08:58

Yes visiting dirty houses makes me very very anxious. I think it's the least someone can do knowing you're visiting to make the environment clean and tidy. I do have a diagnosed OCD though.

Janevaljane · 14/10/2020 08:58

@northernstar0412

Anordinarymum, of course that is the right answer, and very noble. I wish I could be the same.

It's interesting that my sisters and me and exactly the same - all of us clean freaks who hate disorder. I think it's because we grew up in a house that was chaotic and dirty. Our lovely mum had severe mental health issues and it wasn't her fault. Dad wouldn't help around the house.

Then this is why you hate it.
Vikinglightning · 14/10/2020 09:01

No, I’m afraid I cannot relax in a messy/ dirty home.

I can’t live like it (big clean/ tidy freak) and definitely wouldn’t subject guests to it. I’m like you OP, if I have guests coming over I clean / tidy for a couple of hours before. Though it is a bit silly as my house is never THAT bad, purely because I keep on top of it each day/ week.

If someone has a grim house I will avoid visiting if I can. There’s no point if you can’t relax and it’s not comfortable.

Now guests that come into MY home and make a mess give me the Angry I’ve had a few of them over the years. To be fair their own houses are awful so I don’t know why I expect them to be tidy in mine, but it’s awful, bags, coats flung everywhere, cups, wrappers left lying around, if they make themselves breakfast if they’re staying for a few days or whatever there will be buttery knives left smeared on the worktops, crumbs everywhere, bread/ cereals left out etc. I’ve honestly had a few weekend guests like this over the years and it’s really shocked me. I just couldn’t be like that in other people’s houses. I’ve even had used sanitary products just put in bedroom bins, totally unwrapped Envy (not envy) grim.

AyDeeAitchDee · 14/10/2020 09:03

@DaisyandRoses

Oh and I agree houses with cats are generally really unhygienic and smelly unless the owners keep on top of it daily.
Blanket statement there!

My cats litter tray is completely out of the way.

We do take out the poo as soon as they've done it. But if we didn't it would in no way affect the living areas of the house.

Don't see how it's any worse than dogs or kids.

Noidea2114 · 14/10/2020 09:06

My DD had the messiest home when her children were young. I used to go and try to help her into tidying up.
One day she said 'my children are only young once, my house will still be here when they have grown'.
Those children are now teenagers and her house is spotless.
That taught me a lesson.

IdblowJonSnow · 14/10/2020 09:06

I dont like mess or dirt in my own home but when visiting others I'd only dodge if dirty or very messy, like nowhere to walk or sit.
My parents are neat freaks and its rubbed off on me.

Imissmoominmama · 14/10/2020 09:07

I couldn’t care less whether your house is untidy when I’m visiting. I think there are only two houses I’ve ever visited that I felt really uncomfortable in; one had dog poo on the floor and the other was full of flies and the smell of cigarette smoke. The first was an acquaintance whose other dog I had found wandering; the second someone I had to visit through work, so neither were actual friends.

I quite like slightly chaotic homes because they make me feel normal.

Janevaljane · 14/10/2020 09:10

Don't see how it's any worse than dogs or kids

Kids don't smell as bad as cats do.

Pickypolly · 14/10/2020 09:10

I do I’m afraid.
It makes me feel anxious and very uncomfortable.

I have a lovely friend who has SS involved due to the state of her home.
Her poor poor children have to live and breath it. They can’t have friends round to play or for tea.
She told me that the fella from SS was visibly shocked when he walked into the house.
I meet with her out of the home because value her friendship very very much.

NeonGenesis · 14/10/2020 09:10

It depends. If the place is infested with pests, stinks, and is a general health hazard, then it is a problem and I wouldn't want to spend anytime there.

If the problem is that they left some craft project stuff on the table, they didn't hoover the dog hair off the rug, and there are dirty dishes in the sink, then I don't really give a shit. Those things would bother me in my own home, but not in other people's homes.

SD1978 · 14/10/2020 09:12

Somewhere in the middle seems reasonable. There's a difference between cluttered and dirty. Dirty would bother me, but that's all. I couldn't and wouldn't scrub for friends to come round. Tidy up, yes, but not show home standards.

TableFlowerss · 14/10/2020 09:13

There’s a million other things that affect me far more than a friends messy house. If they’re a good friend then that’s more important imo.

I also think the opposite could be said. Visiting a house where everything is immaculate and your terrified to drop a crumb, is no fun either.

squashyhat · 14/10/2020 09:19

You can't liken a messy home to a pig sty. They are usually dry, warm and full of straw and sleeping pigs. The mud wallow outside however...Grin

IntermittentParps · 14/10/2020 09:26

Dirt and squalor is one thing, but mess and clutter don't bother me.
When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless
I don't think that's really normal. A quick tidy-up and a check that the loo is clean and stocked, sure, but anything else is OTT IMO.

formerbabe · 14/10/2020 09:27

I don't understand why visiting a messy house would make you stressed. I feel stressed when my own house is a mess but I'm entirely unbothered by others people's houses...it's their mess not mine, I don't have to clean it. Obviously it's different if something is hazardous.

TatianaBis · 14/10/2020 09:31

Wouldn’t bother me personally. I like to have a clean, tidy house but I don’t clean it myself. I hate cleaning.

queenofknives · 14/10/2020 09:31

I'll do at least a quick whizz round if I know people are coming over. I think it's part of being a good host, to make your guests feel comfortable. It's nice to be in a calm and pleasant space. In general my home is relatively clean and tidy, but on a couple of occasions when people have turned up unexpectedly and everything's a mess I've made an excuse not to let them in! In terms of other people's homes, I accept that people have different standards and priorities to me, but if I am invited round and there's nowhere even to sit down, or everything is covered in cat hair or whatever, I don't feel especially welcome or comfortable, and with those friends I would usually invite them to mine or meet somewhere else.

My mum was very controlling and in some ways abusive and she had very strict ideas about how a home should be presented. She thought the house should be like a show home and she would cry and threaten to commit suicide if we made a mess in the kitchen after school, for example. I do think there's a comfortable middle ground, where a home can be pleasant and comfy without having to look like a photo from Ideal Homes.