To ask if you avoid visiting friends whose homes are like a pigsty?

[northernstar0412]

I have a lovely friend but I hate her house. She is always trying to get me over to her place. The last time I went I was really shocked.

It was just a mess. There was piles of stuff, including clothes, and clutter everywhere, to the point where her DH had to move stuff so that I could sit down. I am not trying to appear superior, I just can't stand being in an environment like that.

When visitors come to my humble abode, I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless. I wouldn't dream of inviting someone over when the place is a pigsty. I just think it's inconsiderate.

My sister has a very untidy friend who lives at the other end of the country so she does have to stay overnight in that town. I think she stays in a hotel, telling her friend that she wants her own space etc.

I almost admire messy folks who don't care what others think about their home - it must be quite liberating.

If you ARE like me, what excuse do you use to avoid visiting such places without giving offence? I hate lying but I don't think there is any polite way to say: "I can't visit your house because it's a disgusting tip" is there?

Please vote:
YABU - to avoid messy homes
YANBU - to avoid them at all costs

If it's just a bit untidy I don't care. It's only when it gets in the way of the visit (or the place seems unsafe) that I would avoid. I wouldn't avoid at all cost, but I would try and find alternative venues. It's awkward and unwelcoming if your host has to tidy up to allow you to sit down or to put your cup on a table or if you can't get to the loo without tripping over stuff. And, in any case, I have no more wish to sit around in a home that's a pigsty than I would in a cafe or pub that was a pigsty if there are nicer places that we can be, then obviously I'd rather be there.

I'm with you on this op particularly now I had a toddler. I was invited to a house of someone in our nct group and it was a shit hole. Very cluttered with literally zero floor space, the kitchen was dirty and smelled. Later on she said that they had an infestation of mice which she seemed very casual about and not really dealing with for months until they wanted to sell the house. I havent ever gone back. She has been to my house, we've met parks/soft play and mutual friends. My house isn't spotless with a toddler, a very hairy cat and some outside work but its always hygienic and I always have a clean of the loo, a tidy and a hoover before visitors come because I think it shows I care about their comfort and welfare. It doesn't mean I spend hours cleaning or don't spend time with my child but no I wouldn't take my child back to the very messy house.

As long as its just messy & not filthy like the TV show Filthy House SOS, I'm ok. But i do love a tidy, so my fingers itch to do a whip round whenever I visit messy people. I once upset a friend by tidying the kitchen when I babysat. Its so automatic for me, I didn't realise I had done a whip round while the kettle boiled, tbh. I felt really awful.

I don't like it. It really is just lazy to have a messy house. I've been a single parent since DS was 10 months old and I've always managed to keep my house clean, you just have to fit in cleaning when you can.

I have one friend whose house is filthy and smelly - I meet her at my house or the pub on a rare occasion I go for a coffee. My own house has its moments - I’m not a clean freak but when we have people come around I like it to clean enough for them and me to feel comfortable

My house isn't dirty ( I have a cleaner) but I do have the odd pile of things. I really avoid people like yourself coming round I'm afraid because as someone once said to me 'a tidy desk is a sign of a sick mind'.

I am the person in the messy house.

I can still remember the impact of one person who said in RL "stop being silly, I've come to see you".

Some people are just lovely

Doesn’t bother me at all. As long as I can sit down somewhere and find a clean cup for a brew, I’m only interested in seeing my friends.

"I will scrub and tidy for hours so that it's spotless"

That's a bit weird.

That sounds as is your default level is pretty messy. Or you have a bit of an obsession. But if cleaning is your hobby, fair enough.

I wonder if there's any topic that cannot be polarised to a ridiculous extent?

My house is clean and relatively tidy most of the time. We have a cleaner and I need to ensure it is tidy enough to be able to clean. Before having dd, I used to live in a show home standard house.

Messy I can handle. Dirty is a no no. I find control freaks, who keep their houses constantly spotless equally difficult to visit. You’re afraid of squashing a cushion or doing the wrong thing. Some people are so welcoming and look after you very well. Others don’t even think about basic comfort.

Having to clear a space to sit down or not making a bed for a guest when one of the home owners is able bodied and doesn’t work or have children is rude. When I was mid 20s dh and I were invited to spend the night at someone’s house. They only had a single spare bed and left us to it. Just why?? They could have told us to bring a duvet and dh could have kipped on the sofa. Another time we were invited and had to sleep on the floor. If people told us the arrangements we would have bought a blow up mattress....

So happy medium and most of us fall into that category although I am aware I am a very considerate host.

As for bedrooms. I regret not giving dd an ensuite when we did the house up. There would have been room to have 2 small ensuites but we have one large one. As is the spare bedroom has one. Her room is a far better shape so we’ve kitted it out well with a double bed and little sofa bed for friends to stay.

I can cope with messy but not dirty and unclean. There are houses I would avoid visiting and some I wouldn’t dream of sleeping over

I used to worry about how my home looked but these days I think "my friends love me, they don't care about how today my home is" FWIW my home isnt dirty just cluttered

It's funny I used to clean like crazy and Hoover all the floors before a playdate but at some point realised I was hoovering after the playdate too as there were crumbs everywhere so now I just do it after

The opposite. I avoid the ones with spotless houses, white carpets etc. I’m clumsy and I’m terrified that I’ll spill coffee or break something!

All irrelevant at the moment as nine of my friends are having friends over to their houses.

I would prefer a messy house where I can feel relaxed any day over an immaculate house where I don’t feel like I can sit on the sofa or walk on the floor and worry about putting a cup down and leaving a ring.

I'm the same as you OP. I also grew up in the chaotic house, that was cluttered beyond belief. My mum hoards and has OCD (which is not the obsessive cleanliness people seem to think it involves!). I cannot stand my own home being messy and cluttered. I also hate it in other people's. I understand that sinking sense of shame and judgement when people come to visit that comes from growing up in a messy home. I still have it now when people come to my house.

The only people who's houses are messy that I will visit are funny enough family. Out of us four kids, two of us are fastidious with cleanliness and two ended up messy like my parents.

The issue is yours not your friends.

I’d say my house is pretty medium, it’s lived in.

One of my friends is upper middle class, she has a gorgeous Victorian house. She’s a interior designer and has been in several home magazines and the Times including shots of part of the house. What you don’t see if the rest of the house. It’s chaos. You can’t see the floor in some places. The house is like a tardis.

I love going to her house. In fact I get told off by dh if I saying I’m just bobbing round for a cup of tea as the visit usually lasts about five hours. My other friend who is a clean freak won’t even go inside.

I grew up in an untidy but very warm and welcoming house. We always had visitors, many would stay for hours. My DH grew up in a spotless sterile environment- I hate visiting because it’s not somewhere I can be comfortable. Our house is pretty tidy but there is still a small amount of clutter around- it is a bone of contention here and DH gets grouchy about it. Lockdown was especially brutal on the house, being here 24/7 (especially the kids) made it very hard to keep clean. I have a few slightly untidy friends and I really like visiting their houses, they’re warm and busy and lived in. I have a much loved very scatty and untidy friend and I do find her house slightly overwhelming but she is awesome so I don’t really care.

I go to someone's house to see them and enjoy their company. I couldn't care less about the state of their house. Scrubbing and tidying for hours when you are expecting visitors is madness, and I wouldn't feel welcome in such a house in case I made a mess of some sort!

If your house is so clean why do you have to clean and scrub for hours before guests come? Also OP, do you have a ‘Monica closet’?

Surely cleaner than many other places you could meet? Parks, soft play, farm, zoo, whatever are far more likely to be a problem. I honestly don’t care. I have one friend who’s cups always smell odd. I tend not to have a drink there and the kids bring their own to most places. I think it’s a ridiculous thing to have a hang up about and you are missing some lovely relationships by betting your friends like this. If you understand it’s a reaction to your childhood why don’t you try to overcome it? Surely you don’t want those attitudes passed down to your kids?

A bit of mess doesn’t bother me at all in someone else’s home. If it’s dirty that’s different.

I don’t mind visiting cluttered and messy houses, intact, I find it quite interesting, but I don’t like it if it’s dirty. I found it hard in my student days when most of my friends’ houses were really grotty, but now it’s rarely an issue.

DH has a friend who rarely showers (he doesn’t think he needs to!) and also hates spending money, so when he visits our city he insists on coming round instead of going out somewhere. He is such a nice guy, but my word, you can smell his feet with his shoes on. The smell lingers after he has left and I’m ashamed to say, I really dread his visits.

I would happily visit a clean but messy/cluttered home. I would really struggle with a dirty one though.

We are a middle ground. Usually very tidy and no clutter - just a preference. We have the house cleaned top to bottom by a cleaner once a week. I definitely do tidy before people visit and don't appreciate droppers in when the house is messy.

If you have to scrub and tidy for hours before visitors arrive your house must be a bit of a tip before you start. I try and keep ‘visitor tidy’ most of the time. I might put the vac around and polish the sink in the downstairs loo (or nowadays, sanitise it) before someone called but I would never let things get so bad that hours of cleaning were needed.

I dislike visiting properly dirty houses but the sort of mess and clutter you describe doesn’t bother me. I wouldn’t like it in my own house but I genuinely don’t notice it in other peoples. A very good friend recently put her house on the market and when I looked at the pictures on Rightmove it was genuinely unrecognisable. Piles and piles of accumulated clutter and tat had been removed making it look like a different house. However in 20 years of regular visits to her house I had barely registered that it was cluttered. It was just her friendly, welcoming home.

Most of my friends and I have cluttered but basically clean houses. My DM is the queen of clean but has books, newspapers and stuff everywhere.

I'm more comfortable there than in pristine houses where you're scared to squash the cushions.