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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

505 replies

Boredandexhausted · 13/10/2020 16:54

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

OP posts:
liveitwell · 13/10/2020 16:56

It sounds like you're having a tough time. Are you a single parent? It also sounds like you may have depression.

Do you get much time to do things for yourself outside of being a mum?

Catnuzzle · 13/10/2020 16:57

I love my DDs, but I totally get where you're coming from. Flowers

BoomBoomsCousin · 13/10/2020 16:59

Lots of women find it relentless and dull. Most also find some joy in it too, but not all.

There are a couple of threads on here full of women who’ve regretted having children. Your story would be pretty normal on them.

I don’t have much in the way of comforting words other than to validate the way you feel and to say that time does change things, eventually they’ll get older.

Original poster
Boredandexhausted · 13/10/2020 17:01

I am not a single parent but dh does nothing with the children or for them. They will walk past him to ask me something even if I’m in another room. Or if they ask him he just shouts me.
I just want them to go away. It isn’t their fault, of course it’s not. They are lovely children.
But the fighting and squabbling, the endless moaning - it gets me down. I am bored of all of it, I don’t want to do dinner time, bath time, homework, story time, bedtime. And then by the time they are both in bed - gone 10pm, I’ve had it because I’m up at 6am.

OP posts:
BillywilliamV · 13/10/2020 17:01

But they absolutely do tell you, it’s just that when you are ttc and pregnant you really aren’t listening. It’s a biological thing.

Original poster
Boredandexhausted · 13/10/2020 17:03

It needs to be louder.
I don’t remember anyone telling me. I don’t remember my mother telling me. I suppose i was one of the first to have children amongst my friends, but now everyone appears to love it.
Christmas makes my heart sink. Can’t be bothered with it.

OP posts:
JellyBabiesSaveLives · 13/10/2020 17:04

Well to be fair you won’t get many parents of SEN kids telling you that life is a bed of roses

nearertonature · 13/10/2020 17:04

Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception

Ok, I know this isn't the point of your thread, but your child is NOT ' not very bright' at four or ' struggling in reception.' this is the failure of our unusual education system which starts children in formal education at the ridiculously young age of 4. Your child would be fine in most other countries in the world where her/his kindergarden provision would be developmentally appropriate.

As for the rest of your thread, I have often felt like this. All I can say if that feeling like that comes and goes. A lot of parenting is relentless and is a huge anxiety inducing responsibility.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 13/10/2020 17:05

What does dh do for you?

QforCucumber · 13/10/2020 17:05

Personally I dont find it shit so would never tell anyone it was if that makes sense? I do however still work full time and have as much of my own life outside of being mum as possible. Maternity leave I found shit as I completely lost my identity and sense of self.

vanillandhoney · 13/10/2020 17:06

I suspect you'd feel much better if your DH stepped up.

copperoliver · 13/10/2020 17:06

I think with your children having additional needs life is extra hard for you, having children usually is a joy most of the time.
You do sound a little depressed maybe pop to the dr for a chat, you are probably over tired too.
Is there any chance you can afford childcare so you can have a break. X

Friendsoftheearth · 13/10/2020 17:08

This is not fair op - your dh needs to help you - can you not speak up and tell him what he needs to do? A morning or afternoon at the weekend he takes them out to do something together whilst you have a break, he gets involved.

You sound burnt out op. Completely burnt out with it all.

You need much more help, and then maybe you start enjoying your dc again when you have the energy to do fun things again. I know I need a break when I sound like you. Get some proper support in place so you have time to relax and rest. You risk getting depression if things stay as they are with you doing it all. Flowers

31133004Taff · 13/10/2020 17:08

Yep! It’s tough. Wish I’d actively sought more advice, help and intervention.

EternalOptimist7 · 13/10/2020 17:10

And there’s the answer - you are in effect a single parent. Why does your DH do nothing? That’s shocking! He created those children too! Can you talk to him about his behaviour? Did he want kids in the first place? DH & I have gone through some God awful times but when we work as a team, family life is so much better. DD is adopted & parenting her is a rollercoaster ride to say the least but DH & I are on the same page now. Can you talk to your DH?

UsedUpUsername · 13/10/2020 17:10

Frankly you have a DH problem.

But more on topic, all I ever heard was how shit life would become once you had kids. So YABU as many of us get warned off.

lazylinguist · 13/10/2020 17:11

Sorry you are having a hard time OP, and it must be harder with a child with ASD. Presumably you were expecting to have to do dinner time, bath time, homework time, story time, bedtime etc every day when you decided to have children,so it's not unexpected? If someone had asked you beforehand whether you were expecting to enjoy all those daily kids' routine bits, what would you have said?

However, I guess you were expecting your dh to share the load? Or was he always like this? He needs to be reminded they're his children too, not just yours.

I never found all the daily stuff a grind tbh, so I'm afraid I was one of the ones saying "Yeah have kids, it's great!" to my friends before they had dc.

Original poster
Boredandexhausted · 13/10/2020 17:13

No, dh has always been the same.
He doesn’t even know what year the eldest is in at school 😂
I am fed up of being last all the time. I am fed up of the effort it requires to get the children out of the house. That even when it’s somewhere they want to go not only do they not help they actively hinder. I am fed up with my older one winding up and being unpleasant to my younger one.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 13/10/2020 17:13

dh does nothing with the children or for them

You need to go away. Seriously - it sounds like you are on the edge, you have a particular difficulty in that one of your children at least requires extra help and the other is still very young. And the pressure is on you, and you alone, because your useless other parent is happy to sit back and cream off the effort from you.

So go. Their other parent is there, and he needs a really harsh lesson. Pack a bag and go to visit family or to a hotel/b&b. For at least a week - not some overnight flit so you come back to utter chaos that you then have to clean up. (To be honest, I'd advise a month, so that he's forced to learn how to run the house and properly care for the children).

WearyandBleary · 13/10/2020 17:13

YANBU. It can be pretty grim. It’s just really hard to say it in case they hear. :(

Livpool · 13/10/2020 17:13

You seem to have it especially hard OP and it seems made 10 times harder by your useless DH

HoneyBee03 · 13/10/2020 17:13

I've had women thank me for my honesty about birth and being a parent and how difficult it can be. I find it VERY hard and if I could go back I would definitely remain childless and DH agrees, despite the fact that we love our son to pieces.

What's more annoying is when people suggest you have depression when you say you don't enjoy being a parent. It really grinds my gears, it's okay and quite normal to dislike being a parent.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/10/2020 17:15

One of my friends when she got pregnant told me most people told her it was shit until she got pregnant and then told her they all secretly love it. I suppose it depends on your circumstances. My dh does his fair share and they're in bed by 7pm and no SEN, so it's like a different planet here.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/10/2020 17:15

And just to say - I have loved having mine. I wouldn't change a thing. A major difference? - I have a partner who cares about me, the kids, our family. And does his bit.

You are not in a team. You're basically being mugged off. Change it. REALLY change it. Go. For as long as you can.

They won't die. They will really be ok. But it should kick start a change.

PicklePorkPie · 13/10/2020 17:15

But lots of people don't find it shit, so they won't tell you.
Sounds like you are depressed.
I think a big game changer is deciding what you want to do that day and taking dc along. Not always what dc want.

It creates a shift which makes life for you a lot better