To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

[borntohula]

@rottiemum88

Well what lucky children you have, with one parent who ignores their existence and another who actively wishes they didn’t exist. Yet they’re the only ones in this scenario who are truly innocent, because they had no choice about whether to be born or not.

If you hated parenting so much then you absolutely should have done something about it before consigning a second child to the same fate. On the off chance you are depressed, get some help FGS and try to turn this around before it starts impacting on your children; presuming it hasn’t already.

This. Having children is not shit for all of us. The only thing I agree with you about is the worry. You need to sort yourself out.

[EffYouSeeKaye]

Go to your GP. Health visitor too if your youngest is still 4. Get yourself some help. They need you and that won’t change any time soon. You need some propping up which is absolutely fine.

As for your dh... bloody hell. Have the conversation. Divide up jobs and responsibilities so it is spelled out in black & white for him. You need some breathing space. He can do bath / bed / story / park / homework supervision / laundry etc. Play to his strengths. If you don’t know what they are then just draw up a list that gives you a break and let him figure it out.

[YoungYankee]

@Boredandexhausted

I suppose I knew it would be hard work but I thought I’d enjoy some of it and I don’t. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything at all.
I get to the weekend and I think what am I going to do with them all weekend. Particularly at the moment with covid restrictions. That’s made it harder. And having them since March through to September without a break - I know this was the same for lots of people.

You can’t remember the last time you enjoyed anything at all? That does honestly sound like it could be depression. I don't think everyone who dislikes being a parent is depressed, but it does seem like it could be a possibility in your case.

[CoffeeandKitKat]

If you don't work with children, have no nieces and nephews or you're the first of your friends to have kids I don't think unreasonable to not know how hard it is. I didn't. My parents didn't say, we have a close, positive relationship but from my perspective I had a lovely childhood which only as an adult and with a child of my own, realise my parents worked very hard and sacrificed to achieve.

I have one child, and he will be one by choice. I can't do it again, he too has some SEN and I have a supportive husband but it's not just that. The sleeplessness, the relentlessness, the worry, plus I don't fancy giving birth again, weaning again, teething again, potty training again. He's 4.5 and I'm just scraping myself back up and becoming more 'me' again.

I honestly don't know, when I see families with 3+ kids, how they do it. They are either a much better parent than me or a lot of the stuff I worry about doesn't affect them in the same way and I feel quite envious of that.

[HelplessProcrastinator]

I thought it was common knowledge that parenting was a thankless, relentless grind. That’s why we waited 10 years into our marriage and only did it because I got ridiculously broody. I expected the worst fro parenthood so the good bits were a nice surprise. Both mine are shit sleepers and the oldest has ASD but DH has stepped up massively since they were small so I get time for myself. This is vital for my sanity. I’m not going to comment on the sleeping problem as sometimes you can’t control that. Just because your H (not much of a DH) is working doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be pulling his weight. Hopefully if you can get regular breaks you will feel more positive and find some enjoyment in family life. We’ve been to hell and back with ASD child and school but things are going well now and we have some wonderful family times.

[TheDuchessofMalfy]

In the ancient words of MN - you have a DH problem. I know I’m not the first to say it even on this thread.

If anyone should go away, it’s him.

This is probably all because he isn’t pulling his weight OP. Child rearing is awful and relentless if you’re the only one doing any of it.

My exh was a shit like this. I didn’t feel quite as you do - I always worked out side the home which helped- but it’s much less relentless when they go for contact even occasionally! I was told today by a friend that I have a social life which surprised me as I never used to - that’s the magic of divorce!

[StarCat2020]

Sorry to sound harsh but I think that you have two other problems here -

1. your husband is shit

1. you are depressed

[rainyoutside]

I agree the husband sounds like part of the issue here, but that’s not likely to be solved by ending the marriage. I don’t know what to suggest, tbh.

[Benjispruce2]

As for FB, don’t compare other people’s show reels with your cutting room floor!
Hope things improve

[AbsentmindedWoman]

OP, the reason I think you sound depressed is that from reading your posts I get the impression you don't enjoy anything at the moment. It seems like you feel flat and bleak and can't imagine feeling contentment or joy anytime soon.

In your update you then mention going through some very difficult times between the births of your two children. Relentless, upsetting, wearing life challenges can grind us down, and leave us traumatised and drained and hopeless.

That's why I think there could be depression (or from your update, perhaps ptsd) at play. It is likely that this isn't 'just' about how shit you are finding parenthood. Mental health problems can be a very appropriate human response to an onslaught of shit life circumstances.

[GreekGod]

It's hard, I really feel for you. I felt very similar when the 3 I have were all under 4 years old. But they do get older and then its a lot better. Now they are 17,15 and 13 and its great. However, I changed as well - basically stopped being a doormat and stopped eating constantly. Started going to the gym and going out with friends as my own family (mum and brother) begged me to - DH didn't really care. Lost weight. Just started leaving them with DH when they were younger and just yelled "BYE" as soon as he got in from work - that seemed to do the trick and got a lot more respect for it. You need to set boundaries. When you set boundaries, you will feel a lot better.

[Boredandexhausted]

On the odd occasion I attempt to go out in the evening my youngest won’t settle for dh because he never does bedtime. She howls and cries for me and I end up not going.

[Poppingnostopping]

I think mixing up your current situation with wider questions like 'do I regret having children' as an overall life choice is not helpful.

Plenty of people have times of regret in marriages, being a parent, all kind of situation. Sometimes it's transient, sometimes it isn't.

I think focusing on the regret is not helping as you then beat yourself up more for this taboo thing. Really what has happened is that you have a difficult life, with something traumatic in it, a child with SN and a husband who is not stepping up to the plate which may actually be worse than no partner at all. You are burned out and probably depressed.

I think all this 'regretting having kids' is a diversion which isn't helpful, because you have them now, they need help now, you need help now and the best way to do that is to start working out what you want to change in your life and your children's lives and start working towards that. I do think that anti-depressants could possibly help you temporarily lift up enough to start working on what you want to change- so sleep patterns, getting your husband to engage more (or getting divorced if the marriage is not working) and so on.

Sitting there regretting your life and feeling like not one thing brings you joy, not one, does seem like depression to me, because it's a global negative affect which isn't typical if people regret just one thing. It's called catastrophising and is different than people who like their lives mostly and enjoy bits of it but overall would have chosen not to be parents if they had their time again.

[Howlooseisyourgoose]

Your husband sounds useless, OP, I’m not surprised you’re at the end of your tether.

You need to get tougher and leave DH to it 1 day each week.

[Sear86]

Do you work, it sounds like having a part time job, to give you some time away each week would help. The change in routine and chance to meet new people might do you the world of good. Your DH and youngest child will have to get used to a bedtime routine, if you're working at that time.

[TooManyDogsandChildren]

I remember those years OP as I have a now adult DC with ASD and ADHD who was massively hyperactive when younger. I was permanently knackered and just waded on enduring.

And to the PP who said train your DC to go to bed early and/or play in their rooms - good luck with that! Some children just don't sleep and can't play quietly, particularly common with some types of additional needs, and short of bashing them over the head with a mallet there is not much you can do about it. If you had trainable DC count yourself lucky!

What you need OP is help. If your DH can't provide it then pay for it. If the choice is you having a breakdown or paying for help then find the money. I had a useless H too (now an ex for good reasons).

My salvation was a local mum whose children had grown up. Her health did not allow her to work FT, but she was happy to come and sit with my DC a couple of times a week for a block of time. She was a very calm presence and saved my sanity without a doubt.

Sometimes I used the time to do stuff or to leave the house. Sometimes I just went to bed and I still remember the luxury of crawling into bed knowing she was there and I was off duty and could sleep. She became a family friend and we still keep in touch now years later.

My DC grew up and the hyperactivity waned and he is very easy as an adult, but 12-20+ is too long to carry on without help.

[LG101]

I love having my kids and i would give anything to be a stay at home mum. I have always wanted kids and I genuinely love it.

However I do have a very supportive OH and I must add I felt very similar when I had post natal depression.

[Runningdownthathill]

It’s time he starting doing bedtime then. Right away. This is not fair on you at all. They are both of your children. He’s just leaving you to do his share.

[louderthan]

I'm so sick of reading threads like this about fucking lazy useless men, I'm sorry OP. You've had some good advice here.

[Howlooseisyourgoose]

@LG101

I love having my kids and i would give anything to be a stay at home mum. I have always wanted kids and I genuinely love it.

How does this help, OP? Please be more sensitive!

[SarahG6383]

I have 3 SEN stepchildren and at the age of 26, I have completely been put off having any of my own, even step parenting is hard and I only see a small fraction of them, I love doing things with them and love our movie nights etc but then you have the horrific nights where they’ve flooded the house, broken furniture, up all night screaming and have fought to the point one of them is bleeding.

I’m sorry you’re finding it so hard, this sounds like you need a break and your husband needs to give you that, he can’t give you all the responsibility of the children just cause he works full time cause I’m pretty sure he has time off where he could give you even a nights break to have time to yourself, please talk to your husband love, you need support to be able to get yourself out of this rut and then you’ll be able to enjoy your children again.

[Calabasa]

honestly.. i feel you, on every level.

Parenting is a chore, even more so with kids who have special needs.. trying to leave the sodding house with them both requires a mix of hostage negotiation and miltary style yelling and planning.. including all the forethought of how my ASD kid is going to cope where we're going and what strategies i need to have on hand to deal with him should he go into a meltdown.

In all fucking honesty, since i left their dad and started sharing custody of them, and got 2 weekends a month to myself, i was fucking miserable. Ex wasn't helpful with them, kids are hard work (love em to distraction, but my god) and having those two weekends to visit friends, relax, not stress and please myself have been a godsend.

You really need to address your DH's level of involvement, you NEED time to yourself to go out, or to sit around and do nothing while he takes them out.

[ImSleepingBeauty]

I have 2 DC. Both have (different) medical conditions.
It’s shit. One might get better, one will have to learn to love with it.
I have massive anxiety that something will happen to them. I can’t ‘enjoy’ them because I’m so worried. I’m constantly having to manage my youngest’s medication and my eldest care plan.
It is exhausting.
I know where you are coming from.

The difference is I have a supportive DH who pulls his weight by working full time and letting me have most of the weekend ‘off’. Yes we do some things together as a family but I get the lie ins (both of them). He will get up with the DC during the night. I can head into town for a coffee and a book on a Saturday morning and he’ll find something to do with them.

Tbh if I didn’t have this I’d be on my knees. OP you must get more help from your DH. If you are satisfied that his work means he can’t do anything on the days he is working, then please get him to pull his weight on his days off. It’s the only way your situation will improve.

There is joy in life, even when you have extremely difficult circumstances

[HugeAckmansWife]

I thought I would love it - be making everything from scratch, happily playing board games on rainy nights, homework firm but fair, children would be immaculate for school, tummies full of organic porridge. Even before ex fucked off it wasn't like that - juggling work and childcare, beige freezer food because they'll actually eat it, peppa pig / horrid Henry / whatever on a loop because I'm hiding in the kitchen listening to grown ups on R4, cocopops that they can actually do themselves in the morning. Homework is a horrible stressy emotional battle mired in fear of failure and low self esteem - and no, n o-one told me that.,

[ThePluckOfTheCoward]

I think you should run away for the weekend and leave your lazy, fuckwit of a H to deal with the dear children. Leave some instructions for him if you think he will need them in order to avoid killing them, then pack your bag and go stay in a hotel. Switch your phone off and if you can afford it treat yourself to room service and just relax and sleep.