To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

[AbsentmindedWoman]

Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception.

I know you are struggling, but please be careful with how you talk about your child. Please don't dismiss them as not very bright at the age of 5 or whatever.

I think how you speak about them points to really needing some help with depression. It really isn't fair to write off a small kid like this.

I am sorry you are struggling but your kids need you to believe in them, and reception age is far too little to have a narrative built around a child that they "aren't very bright"

[Suzi888]

Sorry your having a tough time. I understand how you feel, it can be relentless and tiring at times. I agree your husband could do more to help, do you have any other family that could baby sit for you occasionally? After school clubs? You sound exhausted! No wonder your feeling down and miserable.

Keep in mind that no-one is going to post videos on Facebook of them at their worst with their children though. It’s all smiles and rainbows for the camera, it’s not always like that.
Do you think you could be depressed? Might be worth having a word with your G.P.

[Runningdownthathill]

There are two problems here that jump out at me. Your partner is a lazy arsehole. Why are you tolerating it? Why is your child going to bed at 20 pm and getting up at 6 pm.? Get the bedtime down to a reasonable time. 7 to 8 pm. I’m not sure of their age but make it age appropriate. 10 pm is far too late. Train them to play in their room until at least 7 am. Get them an alarm clock and train them not to wake you until it goes off. Promise a treat at the end of one week of doing this. No wonder you are absolutely worn out and depressed.

[Runningdownthathill]

Sorry 10 pm

[Justwingingmotherhood]

I totally get where you are coming from. I often think this. If someone had to told me the amount of anxiety I would be feeling I wouldn't of had one. Then I think about my life without my little girl and I just couldn't bare to live without her now. She struggles with some minor health issues but it really gets me down i look at others and think why arent your kids going through what mine is? Why are you enjoying life when I'm fucking miserable and stuck in this same rut. I also often find myself wishing she would just hurry up and grow up. I'm not cut out to be a mom but shes everything I need and more. I love her dearly. We all struggle and we all have dark times. Your not alone xxx

[Whosthatgirlitsjess]

There was a long thread about this not so long ago, lots of parents do regret their children. If it would help to read others stories and how they cope and make things better just googling 'I regret my children' will bring up many articles. There is also a subreddit called regretful parents which gives a lot of good advice.

[Ylvamoon]

speak to your DH about how you feel... think about how he can help you out. (He is a man after all and might not be aware of your struggles!)

As generally having kids, they are incredibly complex little humans. They look up to you for guidance as well as wanting to be independent! Which quite rightly can turn them into little s*!

Celebrate the small things... both DC are at school & they cope with being in a classroom, they can dress themselves, have an opinion .... and so much more!

[rottiemum88]

Well what lucky children you have, with one parent who ignores their existence and another who actively wishes they didn’t exist. Yet they’re the only ones in this scenario who are truly innocent, because they had no choice about whether to be born or not.

If you hated parenting so much then you absolutely should have done something about it before consigning a second child to the same fate. On the off chance you are depressed, get some help FGS and try to turn this around before it starts impacting on your children; presuming it hasn’t already.

[queenofknives]

Do it. Go away for a week, two weeks even. Go and stay somewhere by yourself, let your DH sort the kids, and just take a break from it all. I expect it will put everything into perspective for your DH if not for yourself.

[EmmetEmma]

Do you think you’re maybe doing too much things for them all? Not at reception but later on there comes a time when it’s up to them to remember their coat, their bag. What kind of things are you doing with them weekend? Do whatever you can to make your life easier - take them for a walk maybe and then kick your husband downstairs to supervise them while you chill out in your room for a bit - in fact you should have one weekend day when you do what you want and he can have the other.

It does get easier, it does get more fun - I have found it does anyway - but cut every corner you can and offload every job you can

[Boredandexhausted]

I managed ok after one dc. Then some awful stuff happened between dc1 and dc2 that I hadn’t really processed and dc2 almost died when they were born.
It feels like I have no resilience or energy left.

[IcedPurple]

I have to say, as a childfree person I'm always a bit puzzled by these 'Why did nobody tell me how hard having children is?" questions.

An afternoon spent in the company of parents of young children makes it obvious that parenting is mostly relentless drudgery - being constantly interrupted to pick little fingers out of electrical outlets, changing stinky nappies, being unable to have an adult conversation due to the constant noise and demands on your attention. Plus, having to plan any social event as though it were a military expedition, and the generally all-consuming nature of parenthood. I could see all that - in addition to seeing the joys that my friends experience from their children - and decided it very much wasn't for me.

So I really disagree that the downsides of parenthood are hidden away. They are very much there on display, every time you go to a supermarket and see a frazzled mum with a screaming kid. But people tend to see what they want to see, and hear what they want to hear. If a friend had told you "Look, I know you're considering having a kid, but my strong advice is don't do it as it's just endless drudgery!" would you have believed them? Or decided that it might be like that for her, but that it would be different for you?

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

'D'H Problem, not a children problem.

Obviously the oldest having ASD and being less independent than typical for age makes it harder, and having a 4 year old and an older child with ASD and a waste of oxygen for a "partner" will have made your lockdown harder than most and jaded you - your only human, and no mental space in the lockdown period jaded most parents somewhat.

"They" do tell you though - 90% of MN parenting related posts are about the bad/ hard side of parenting.

It would be a different experience if your children's father wasn't behaving as a passenger/ lodger. It will also get easier - the people who tell you it gets harder endlessly are arseholes who love nothing better than Schadenfreude and adding to the worries of those already struggling to try to push them over the edge. Generally parents have phases theyre good at and phases they struggle with, which are about the parent's personality as well as the children. Some people sail through things others struggle with (small baby no sleep stage for example, but then struggle with a pretty average teen because they as a parent are suited to the baby stage and unable to adjust as their child changes.)

Working outside the home no matter what you do also gives you a mental change of scene and should be used to force your useless excuse for a coparent into pulling his weight.

Good luck - give your waste of space husband a wake up call!

[Friendsoftheearth]

You need to go and see your GP and tell her/him what you have told us op.

[Esspee]

I’m with you 100% OP. I had this rosy idea of motherhood and was shocked by the 25 years of having to put my children first.

I had a husband who helped and enjoyed his children, they were well behaved and educationally high achievers but nothing prepared me for the relentlessness of motherhood.

Yes there was joy, I love them dearly BUT if I had known pre children what I know now I would have kept taking the pill.

[RedPandaFluff]

Echoing PPs - your DH is a big part of the problem. He might well have a high-pressure job, but so do you, in looking after kids. When he's not working, it needs to be 50-50 with some give and take.

Thing is though, you're letting him away with this. I'm not saying it's your fault (it categorically isn't) but if you carry on like this, you're choosing to accept it.

You need a break. Regularly and completely (not just in another room for a while). Do you have family or friends you can stay with for a few hours occasionally? If I knew a friend was in your position, I'd be handing her a house key and tell her the spare room is made up, there's wine and chocolate in the fridge, knock yourself out.

And if your DH doesn't like it, tell him you're leaving. He'll find 50-50 custody a lot harder than doing his fair share now.

[bluCoconutty]

I’ve got 6
I’ve just realised this myself. It’s hard, hard work and with little to no recognition
I just want a hot cup of tea and a hot bath and 12 hours sleep I feel totally overwhelmed

[Onxob]

I chuckled reading this - these are exactly the kind of rants I have from time to time! I blame my mum (doesn't the mother always gets blamed ) she was one of those annoying people who truly, madly, deeply loved motherhood from bloody conception. She had me brainwashed into thinking NOTHING could compare to the amazingness of children. With a lifetime of buildup like that you can imagine my disappointment

It's shit OP! Really shit for some more than others. Is there any tangible plans you could put in place to improve anything on a day to day? Any extra money for a regular babysitter/cleaner or meal delivery service?

[Crayolo]

Lots of people moan about having children, so I'm not sure I agree that no one tells you. It seems a lot of your problems stem from not having the support you need, and that's a DH issue. Of course some people genuinely just hate it, and I think it's not actually overwhelmingly uncommon, but from what you've said it's understandable you feel as you do.

[IveGotFrills]

It's been a particularly tough year op - cut yourself some slack. But you've got to try and get a handle on things. Dig deep & find some energy to whip them into shape. Channel Supernanny and get a timetable in place with rewards and sanctions. They must learn there is a time for them but a time for you. No guilt allowed. Only allowed out of their bedroom at X o'clock. In bed at X o'clock. Make them more independent and resilient - sort problems themselves. It'll get harder before it improves but it will improve. I ruled my children - they did not rule me. They are young men now and great. YOU CAN DO THIS!

[category12]

@Boredandexhausted

I managed ok after one dc. Then some awful stuff happened between dc1 and dc2 that I hadn’t really processed and dc2 almost died when they were born.
It feels like I have no resilience or energy left.

Firstly, it sounds like you could do with some support mental-health-wise after what you went through. Speak to your GP.

Secondly, your dh is pointless. It's supposed to be a partnership. If you're tied to a bloke who won't do his share, it's worse than being on your own.

[AnxiousPixie]

@HoneyBee03

I've had women thank me for my honesty about birth and being a parent and how difficult it can be. I find it VERY hard and if I could go back I would definitely remain childless and DH agrees, despite the fact that we love our son to pieces.

What's more annoying is when people suggest you have depression when you say you don't enjoy being a parent. It really grinds my gears, it's okay and quite normal to dislike being a parent.

This exactly, I hate being accused of having depression too. I love my kids but I find most of parenting mind numbing. I could have written your post OP. I'm going we can start to have more fun as they get older but then they probably won't want to spend any time with me

[Twigletfairy]

Do you ever do anything for yourself? Do you have anything you enjoy doing at all?

You sound completely burnt out. I have 2, both without additional needs and a husband that does a lot both with the children and around the house, and it's still really shit at times.

You can expect your husband to do more and you should. It doesn't matter how pressurised his job his, it was a joint decision to have children, so it should be a joint effort to care for them

He needs to take the children so you can have some time to yourself. You need to get out the house so they can't ask for you even while he is there. I appreciate it's not easy, but I do believe in the saying 'you can't pour from an empty cup'

[rainyoutside]

I do wonder why the people who say it’s shit always have more than one child.

[grapewine]

What's more annoying is when people suggest you have depression when you say you don't enjoy being a parent. It really grinds my gears, it's okay and quite normal to dislike being a parent. Agreed. This always pops up as one of the first responses.

Having said that, I agree with this as well: An afternoon spent in the company of parents of young children makes it obvious that parenting is mostly relentless drudgery - being constantly interrupted to pick little fingers out of electrical outlets, changing stinky nappies, being unable to have an adult conversation due to the constant noise and demands on your attention. It's why I didn't have children.

OP, I'm so sorry you're struggling. It sounds so hard. You sound burned out for sure, and I'm not surprised, with being left to deal with everything on your own. Your husband need to step up - you didn't have these children on your own.