To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

It sounds like you need a break.

I completely get where you're coming from OP.
Firstly I'd say try changing your mindset. Do stuff you want to do and the children just have to come too. Forget doing children's stuff if it's boring you silly. Get out yourself more and don't let the threat of youngest screaming stop you. Let DH deal with it.
You've had it pointed out to you that DH is being rubbish so now you change your attitude to him. Expect more from him and just act as if he is going to do it. If he doesn't step up consider splitting-seriously it's not worth the years of drudgery to stay. Splitting means he will have the children on his own some times and you will be child free! Hurrah.
Consider that you may be depressed. I was on sertraline for a couple of years. It really helped and it was the realisation that the depression could affect my children that made me go to my GP.
In the long term it will get easier I promise. Children do get more independent. Mine are teenagers now and I never see them as they are busy in their rooms listening to music, doing homework, watching Gilmore Girls etc.
Good luck and/or

What's more annoying is when people suggest you have depression when you say you don't enjoy being a parent. It really grinds my gears, it's okay and quite normal to dislike being a parent.

It's not just that though, OP has mentioned other things that sometimes are signs of depression such as not being able to take an interest in anything, not being able to recall the last time she enjoyed anything, and feeling drained and low energy all the time.

She also clearly is having a stressful and difficult parenting experience and a DP problem but that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't also have depression.

I remember and sitting down bawling, just thinking 'I can't believe this is my life' but honestly if you give yourself a break and allow yourself to have more fun it is amazing (not all the time). There's times I decide I'll only do small amounts of cleaning and instead just sit and play or watch a cartoon making sure I get the same goodies they do. And forget about where your 4 year old is, they all get there in one way or another, celebrate his wins with him and have fun doing it. And give yourself a break and make sure you find a way to get some sleep, fresh air and time to yourself, even if that's just a pampery shower at 10 when they're in bed. Look after yourself and remember how to enjoy life and include your kids, once a week my two oldest stay up to watch something I like too, and we eat rubbish and have a laugh. Hugs op, we've all been there, oh and social media lies. People put up their best days, not the shit ones where you have to clean pee from around the toilet, have kids bickering at each other and the water gets turned off when you haven't had a shower in 3 days and one is sick!!

My eldest doesn’t always make it reliably to the toilet on time. I didn’t think I’d still be dealing with that at his age. Dh shouts me - Bored! Ds has made a mess in the bathroom again!
Yes. I know my place.

Think this is a DH problem.
One of mine has autism and I’d like to say it gets easier but it doesn’t. I was like you - struggling wonder wtf had I done, then I made DH get off his lazy arse and parent.

That said - keep promoting their independence, even if it’s just learning to pour themselves a drink. The more you do it - the less draining it is.

I am not a 'natural' Mum and have often felt bad for not enjoying motherhood. I felt almost suffocated, most of the time and often monotonous. I am a single parent (have been almost all DC life) and still do feel this way from time to time. Less so now DD is older, but when little, it was an constant battle to muster the will to continue.

Not everyone enjoys parenting and that is ok. It's a bloody hard job. Your DH needs to step up and give you a regular break / share parenting. There is no reason you have to do the lion's share.

I’m in a team (very helpful DH who pulls his weight) and I still hate it most days. I have young children (5 and 2) and I find it the most difficult, most stressful and on some days the most depressing thing I’ve ever done in my life. I love them, would die for them but the constant need for me to do something for them at the expense of my own life and enjoyment is just too much some days. I have the deepest respect for single parents and those with SEN children. That doesn’t help you OP in anyway I know

The Facebook stuff is just bullshit, so just ignore. I remember seeing a centre parcs advert of a family riding through the woods all smiling and happy. In reality our bike rides included my dh zooming off, my kids falling out with each other about who wanted to go in front, my youngest then being tired and wanting to stop and my eldest moaning about getting dirty, all whilst I was knackered and dreaming of escaping for two weeks to a hotel on my own.

It's shit op. Mine are now getting older, I'm divorced (so my ex has our kids some of the time) so it's starting to get easier. I dream of the days they are old enough to live in their own.

Oh lovely, you do sound at the end of your tether. And you have had a real mixed bag of responses here.

This is not just about the stress of having two children through lockdown, with a husband who does little, although that would be stressful enough. This is about you managing a child - possibly two children - with additional needs and no apparent support.

You have done the right thing in posting. It's the start of reaching out for help. Keep reaching.

Your GP needs to know how you are feeling. They can help you to look after yourself.

Post again on the Special/Additional Needs Board here - get advice and help on managing your family, from others who have been there.

Reach out to others who can help you too. There may be groups online/advice lines/or just family and friends. Tell them how you are feeling and draw on their support.

Thinking of you.

I hear you. What would happen if you disapeared for a week? Obviously leave a note. Have a holiday. Think things through and make a plan. Just go.

3 issues
1- SEN- that’s hard, nothing u can do but that’s why you shouldn’t compare to fb video crap, you have extra to deal with
2- bedtime: 10pm?! No no no, an evening keeps most parents sane
3- husband, either give more to do or get rid and he can share custody

What's more annoying is when people suggest you have depression when you say you don't enjoy being a parent. It really grinds my gears, it's okay and quite normal to dislike being a parent.

The way the op is speaking about not being able to enjoy anything is a little different than someone saying only they overall dislike being a parent. She's also said a few times that it isn't the kids fault, but not that she loves them which you still usually hear mentioned by parents who just don't enjoy parenting.

It sounds like depression to me, though very much as a response to lack of sleep and other elements of her situation.

SarahG6383 Are you an actual step parent as in living with the father of these 3 SEN children? If so why are you only seeing them a fraction of the time? Is their father not pulling his weight?

You sound depressed OP and your DH just sounds pathetic. He needs to step up.

Of course I love them. If I didn’t I’d have left by now. I feel a huge draining miserable sense of responsibility towards them. Having them makes me extremely unhappy but I love them.

I never get people asking this question. 5 minutes on a site like this makes it blindingly obvious it's no picnic as does innumerable articles in magazines, newspapers etc. I never got the impression that having children would be fun or exciting or life enhancing. In fact, I always thought it looked and sounded utterly unappealing - dull, boring, full of responsibility and worry, endless financial and emotional demands. No amount of cuddles could make up for all of that.

I have never heard anyone describe it as a "beautiful, amazing thing", not ever.

I feel for you.

You need to sit DH down and tell him how you feel. Tell him that if he doesn't man up and be a more hands on father you will break under the strain. Tell him what you need from him.

If children don't settle for him, tell him the best way for him to get them to settle and go for a walk and leave him to try it. He will appreciate you more when he has to do it for himself. He cannot be allowed to just opt out and leave it all to you.

If he doesn't help then you might as well be a single parent since you are doing it all anyway. Then when he has the children stay will you - you have a break.

Otherwise, I this is typical of most families with children with SEN they do struggle on, unless others have a SEN child it is difficult to understand.

FB posts - ummmm hand selected to show the perfect family - try to ignore them, often far from the truth

Dh goes on about now happy he is.
I’m like 😬

"I thought I’d enjoy teaching them things - I don’t. I thought I’d enjoy bedtime stories - I hate them. Same ones night after night after night.
I thought I’d get pleasure from seeing my children enjoy things. I don’t.
I thought I’d like taking them places. I don’t. They moan. Nothing is enough. There’s always a problem. I am too tired to bother. I just get through the day and wait to go back to bed."

"I keep waiting to enjoy things I used to but everything feels flat."

"I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything at all."

OP, you have depression. It is absolutely textbook. Being unable to get pleasure from anything is a key symptom. Please please talk to your GP, ask about antidepressants and/or CBT. It won't change your DH or children or your life, but it will help you to feel better and hopefully help motivate you to make some changes for your own benefit.

This year has been shit for pretty much everyone and it's been particularly hard for parents, especially single parents (I know you're not but it sounds as if you carry the load pretty much single handedly) and parents of disabled children.

Talk to your GP and prioritise yourself for once. Do what you need to do to feel ok and to feel like yourself again.

(Btw, i agree with you that parenting is relentless and hard work and shit, and it's not "just" because you're depressed that you see it that way, it's just that the depression is preventing you from also seeing and enjoying the positives. I get it because I feel similar atm.)

You need to pack a bag and take yourself of to a spa for a couple of nights. Seriously. You need a break.

@Boredandexhausted

Dh goes on about now happy he is. I’m like 😬

Er, it’s not funny, OP. Sounds like you’re an enabler.

If you leave DH, he'll be forced to have them some of the time, even if he's a shit dad and it's once a year you'll get a break. Honestly, parenthood is not meant to be done by one person alone. These kids are supposed to have a father and some extended family too. My mum loved being a mum but she did not take care of me 100% of the time. My grandma was a SAHM and even she didn't have the kids 100% of the time!!

You are not just a mum. You are a woman with wants and needs and you need to start putting yourself first. So what if they scream when you leave the house? It won't kill them and they're safe, in their own home, with a parent. Just leave. Go for a walk, a movie, the gym, shopping, restaurant, whatever.

And why do you have to read to them every night? That sounds so tedious. Either they're old enough to read themselves or put a CD on. That's what my parents did and I ended up a lawyer so my literacy skills weren't exactly harmed.

If you don't work with children, have no nieces and nephews or you're the first of your friends to have kids I don't think unreasonable to not know how hard it is. I didn't. My parents didn't say,

Did you ask?

I am not a single parent but dh does nothing with the children or for them. They will walk past him to ask me something even if I’m in another room.
This is down to you for allowing his behaviour from day 1. So what if he has a pressured job, he chose to be a parent presumably.
Stop being available.
I have three DC and an involved DH and, most of the time, my family are a complete blessing in my life.