To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

[Goosefoot]

@Boredandexhausted

Of course I love them. If I didn’t I’d have left by now. I feel a huge draining miserable sense of responsibility towards them. Having them makes me extremely unhappy but I love them.

Sorryy - I wasn't suggesting that you don't ! But that not mentioning it, which people often do in similar discussions, reflects a generally low mental state. It's hard to think about love when you are so low energy and things seem colourless.

But you should plan to go out and let your dh put them to bed. Leave before, don't wait to see if it works. He will figure it out, it takes practice, but at worst they won't get to bed on time the first few attempts.

I'd try and find something to do regularly on a weekly basis, a sports group or book club or class. Even something banal like First Aid training.

[Plussizejumpsuit]

Sounds like you are having a really hard time. But I do think people don't share how hard it is. I don't have children because I'm aware of how hard it is.

[AnotherEmma]

I don't want my parents to tell me how hard it was having me and my siblings and that they regret it, even if that's how they feel.

I would never tell my children that either, I'll tell them it was hard but worth it even if I don't feel that way all the time.

It's not their fault I chose to bring them into the world.

[AnotherEmma]

Some cross posts, I was responding to previous posts with comments about parents not telling their (adult) children how hard parenting is.

[ViciousJackdaw]

@Boredandexhausted

My eldest doesn’t always make it reliably to the toilet on time. I didn’t think I’d still be dealing with that at his age. Dh shouts me - Bored! Ds has made a mess in the bathroom again!
Yes. I know my place.

Why is this? Is it down to a genuine inability to recognise the signals that he needs to go or is it laziness? Does it happen at school too?

Is there a reason why he cannot clean his own mess up? What would happen if you responded to your husband's calls with 'Well clean it up then'?

[Zofloramummy]

@Boredandexhausted completely agree with @AnotherEmma you are (completely understandably) expressing symptoms of depression.

It isn’t a weakness or a failure to feel the way you do. It’s an illness and is often brought about by continuous external stress. I’ve been there myself and it was a lonely place to be. I felt numb and emotionally removed from everyone. Please speak to your GP.

As an aside, your DH working full time does not give him a get out of jail card for basic parenting. You need to be a team, no wonder you are drained.

[Candyfloss99]

Lots of people told me this and I also witnessed it. Hence why I've never had children.

[Sceptre86]

You don't sound in the best place mentally, seek help and speak to your gp.

You only get one life, so if you are unhappy make changes. Your household doesn't sound happy or fun for anyone, least of all the kids who might pick up on your feelings. Appreciate this is easier said than done but things won't change on their own.

Yes, not all women enjoy being parents but what can you do they aren't a parcel you can just return. It is not their fault they were brought into the world. Parenting is hard, often thankless and different stages have their challenges but a lot of people do enjoy it and it isn't up to other people to tell you how good or bad it is. Everyone has different circumstances and some people may find parenting more challenging that others, especially if a child has more complicated needs or one parent is a lazy fucker. Why do you let your dh get away with being so shit? Has he always been this way? He is adding to your woes and a partner should lessen the load not add to it.

I would not leave them in his care alone because I do not think that would be in the kids best interests however you do need to start thinking about your own happiness and how you can achieve it.

Is there help you can access for support with your eldest to encourage independence? Are both kids school age? Do you work or are you at home? Can you rest during the day?

[Elephantspalaces]

He needs to take some days of holiday and you leave the house and go out for the entire day. You need support as it's not fair on you or the children.

[tobee]

@Howlooseisyourgoose I don't think that's a laughing emoji; I think it's gritted teeth.

[NorthernBirdAtHeart]

@Boredandexhausted

Dh goes on about now happy he is.
I’m like 😬

And have you told him how you feel? I really feel for you OP, but you’re going to need to raise this with him sooner rather than later.
I agree with PP, can you get away? Even for just a few days? Your useless DH needs to learn to parent his own children, and unless you force the issue by confronting this with him, or just leave him to cope with the children for week, nothing will change.
Please also consider a chat with your GP, you need support right now. Take good care x

[Boredandexhausted]

It’s not all the time - maybe once a week? He just doesn’t seem to bother, waits too long and then is covered and it’s disgusting.
All over the toilet, the sink, the floor. Sometimes the door. It’s worse if he’s tried to clear up himself - it actually makes more of a mess. Dh will be all ‘Bored, ds has got poo everywhere again!’ then go back to lying on the sofa.

[NewYearNewTwatName]

Howlooseisyourgoose
that's not a grinning emoji, that's a gritted teeth emoji

[MintyMabel]

But they absolutely do tell you

No, they don’t. Not what the OP is dealing with.

Raising children with disabilities is nothing like what they tell you. That’s what makes it harder.

No once did any book, or well meaning relative /friend, HCP warn you what it might be like if you have a disabled child.

Of course, they are all fucking experts now, when they want to tell me what I’m doing wrong.

[2019user44]

Hi Op one thing that struck me about your post is bedtime. 10pm . That is so late and it’s no wonder you are exhausted. The kids probably behave worse too . I really think if you could consistently get them to bed earlier you’d feel so much better in yourself as you would have time for you. I think you should get some help with the children’s sleep. Tell your DH he has to step up but access the support regardless as if he’s not stepping up you will start to feel better if the children sleep regardless of Dh. Also tell him you are going to say Pilates once a week. Go to Pilates if you want . If not sit in the car and read a book and chill! X

[SnackSizeRaisin]

It sounds terrible. You need regular time to yourself and your husband needs to ensure you get that.
It sounds like he doesn't care about you at all. Any decent husband would take his turn at cleaning up the mess in the bathroom regardless of whether you asked them to or not. Any normal wife would not be afraid to tell them to take their turn - at least some of the time. Division of labour does not have to be equal but he should respect and care about you. If not then get out. Or pay for extra help if that's an alternative.

[AnotherEmma]

Probably not helpful, but I don't know why you haven't murdered left your DH by now.

I get annoyed enough with mine and he more than pulls his weight.

Has he always left all the parenting to you or has it got worse over time?

What would he say if you told him you're at breaking point and he has to do significantly more or you'll leave him?

[Revealall]

@Aria999

What's more annoying is when people suggest you have depression when you say you don't enjoy being a parent. It really grinds my gears, it's okay and quite normal to dislike being a parent.

It's not just that though, OP has mentioned other things that sometimes are signs of depression such as not being able to take an interest in anything, not being able to recall the last time she enjoyed anything, and feeling drained and low energy all the time.

She also clearly is having a stressful and difficult parenting experience and a DP problem but that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't also have depression.

But surely they are a symptom of what is an overstretched,
and stressed lifestyle. If the situation changed - winning millions of the lottery so she’d have paid childcare and a house in the sun - it woukd stop immediately. That’s not depression.

I know how you feel and love kids- mine and other peoples. You’ve got 6 years until the youngest and you’ll get some freedom back. Unless the ASD is severe, my experience is that they can be pretty mature by 15/16. They often suddenly “ grow up” even if they don’t grow out of it.

Definitely get DH to help more and any other friends and family you can rope in. I missed if you said you worked. It’s a game changer.

[Boredandexhausted]

Pre lockdown I was going to yoga once a week, because there was a late class and I could usually get dc2 in bed before I went - but obviously that has stopped. Lockdown has been relentless and I think over winter it’ll happen again.
I just feel like giving up.

[mouseistrapped]

I'm sorry to hear you are finding it so hard and it can be v v hard I agree. I chose
To only have 2 for this reason which I can cope with and have the happy / stress balance in general but I'm wondering how you went on to have 3 ?
I have heard from friends with 3 that the third absolutely rips the balance and it's much much harder.

It will get easier - but your DH I think is a big problem here. It's
Not roses all The time with my DH but he's my partner and we can eye roll to each other privately when they are being impossible. Sounds minor but that really helps me knowing we are in it together x

[GirlInterrupted]

OP, I am not sure anybody can say anything to make you feel better.

Having children is definitely not all sunshine and lollipops. I do think people don't want to talk about family issues, I certainly don't, because maybe we are ashamed of our feelings or what is happening, or maybe that people might think we are failures? I just don't know. We all act like things are just perfect, but secretly inside, we are just a little more broken each day. You are exhausted and frustrated and deflated and much more, it is clear from your posts. I really think you need some me time, when is the last time that you did something YOU wanted to do? Have you got anybody other than your DH that can help out? You NEED help ASAP as you sound like you are heading for more trouble. There is no shame in speaking to your GP, not necessarily for medication, but to see if there are some resources available to you. But you have to be brutally honest and tell GP everything. They are there for you to help you cope with the mental as well as physical.

Sending you loads of hugs and remember it WILL get better

[InflamatoryWrit]

No one tells you. DH and I used to joke that it was a conspiracy, to keep the human race going "don't tell them what it is really like!!"

And only sort of a joke. For a time it was really grim. It gets better, really it does.

[UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme]

Boredandexhausted I'm confused about the way you talk about your husband's utter uselessness and disrespect for you and your children. Is that gallows humour.

In families where both parents work full time in high pressure roles, do you think that means neither parent knows which school years the children are in or cleans up their toilet accidents.

There are aunts, uncles, parent's friends and next door neighbors who play a more active role in children's lives than xour children's father does in theirs.

He's a horrible little man who treats you as a nanny/ maid and ignores and doesn't know his children. He is your problem.

[Boredandexhausted]

I only work part time. And it’s not an important job. Where both parents work full time then I suppose the caring for the children has to be more equal.
My parents used to sometimes have the dc for me but won’t now because of covid.

[BertiesLanding]

OP, I'm so sorry about what you're up against. It sounds unrelenting. It also doesn't seem to me to be a one-solution problem - it's complex, and I think it's worth separating out a few strands (and there may be more):

1. I do believe you are depressed. This is not because you think it's shit having children, but because there is a quality and edge to your words that suggests that you've dipped into territory that could be assisted by antidepressants and, yes, some counselling - the latter of which will help you with the other points.

1. Your DH is adding to the problem significantly. I can say with almost absolute certainty that if he weren't around, and (better still) you had help from another source, you would be coping more. Life may even feel better.

1. Your kids, and you, need specialist - or at least focused - support.

Can you deal with just one of these first? Maybe point 1? It will not be a panacea, but it will be a step. And this will take a series of steps, and right now all you have to take is one.

The moment my life started to change was the moment I realised and accepted no one else was going to help me: I had to do that myself. And that was the first of many small steps.