To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

@TheSunShinesBright

UghZombiethread. Bloody annoying. (Wonder whether OP is still with her useless DH?)

She is. She's got a new thread running about how awful he is. Nothing has changed

@TheSunShinesBright

Because he isn’t parenting- you are. He’s just doing wtf he likes whilst you do all the crap stuff. He needs to sort himself out.

Father’s Day on Sunday. How about he actually becomes a ‘father’ to his DC. You go out for the day.

‘DH, here is your Father’s Day present! You are spending the whole day with your DC! Yes, just you!! I don’t want to get in the way on your special day! ... See ya!’

exactly.

Dh goes on about now happy he is.
I’m like 😬

You don't have to be a martyr, you need to start being honest with your husband about how unhappy you feel.

You're completely burnt out because all of the load is on you. If your DH actually pulled his weight you might actually have a chance of finding some joy from it.

A sad post, but I get it. My world view had set in at a very early age and I knew I would never have children, as I watched my mother suffer and wear herself ragged after us and my father. My memories of family life are of financial struggle, violence and social isolation. I’m in my 40’s now and am a foster parent to two children and I love them and am grateful for them because they have shown me that parenting isn’t all bad and have given me a different perspective on life, however I don’t regret not having biological children. By the time I was mentally and emotionally anywhere near ready, I was physically too old.

I’m sorry that things are so hard for you OP and I hope things improve as the children get older.

You sound so worn down OP. You need to speak to your husband. If you go into hospital or die what would he do. He needs to participate in family life or you don’t carry on like this. Why is it fair you do everything? Equal free time. Agree a split of chores. Agree time for you to have free time - go out for a walk or to sit somewhere with a book etc. Be frank splitting sounds appealing as you’d get child free time when he had them. Are there any support groups for his sen? For you or him.

@TheTuesdayPringle how can I find OPs latest thread, not coming up in search?

Be frank splitting sounds appealing as you’d get child free time when he had them. true.

@Tabitha005. Agree about the double standard, just look at our PM. It is inconceivable that a female politician could be a serial 'maniser' and leave squadrons of children behind with the previous partners, and not become a hate figure.

but then again being a single parent probably wont be any easier, if easier is what you are looking for.

-can be easier because if he had them she can have free time.
-also, no upset of not sharing things and you dont have to do anything for him anymore.

I remember Julie Burchill being absolutely ripped to shreds for YEARS when she walked out on her husband and young son. I was only 10 years old at the time, but even then I knew a man would never have been subjected to the same vitriol. I know Burchill is a divisive woman, but my point is that her treatment upon leaving the family unit was ENTIRELY contra to the treatment that would have been directed towards any man in the same situation. Burchill became sub-human in the eyes of many
Totally.
Mothers (well, the idea of The Mother) are reviled and sanctified in about equal measure and according to a constantly shifting set of rules and goalposts.

@OneAlabamaReturn

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

She changes username but the story is the same. It's called I'm fast approaching the end of my tether

@corythatwas

I had a child with SN (physical disability, chronic pain and MH issues) and one who was always bottom of the class. No help with child-minding or similar: all my family live abroad and dh's were already failing and needed more help from us than they could offer.

Difference was, I had a husband who pulled his weight. And actually, that made all the difference.

When I was comforting a vomiting child at 2 o'clock in the morning, he'd be there cleaning the bed. When I was in hospital with one child, he'd be looking after the other, communicating the school, and running the house. When dc were being particularly difficult we could look at each other over their heads and make a face.

It also made it easier to be firm. Dd was great at clinging to my leg howling when I tried to get out of the house, but dh would be there peeling her off and telling me firmly to GO.

As time went on, I also got better at sorting problems into really big ones and ones that appeared big. Ds struggled at school and eventually had to redo his maths GCSE 4 times, but he is holding down a job and is looking into training for a trade, he has grown into a fine young man, and the time spent worrying that he wasn't university material (or whatever it was I did worry about, I'm not sure I even know) was pretty well time wasted.

I love this description of a two-parent household, such a brilliant snapshot of parenting together.

Your husband sounds wonderful, never let him go.

What annoys me if people spend all your teens and early twenties telling you how hard it is having kids and warning you not to have them, and as soon as you reach late twenties they start nagging you to have them and insisting they’re the best thing to ever happen to you.

I promise you not everybody is having a wonderful time with their kids!! I think you’re being very honest and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I sympathise with this. My son is diagnosed SEN but luckily is rather independent, but not overly Street wise. My oldest, i find her hard, i find she's immature for her age, wind's her brother up ect i suspect she is also SEN. Some day's i hate being around her because she is such hard work. But it's frowned upon to say that lol i obviously love them both dearly

@vanillandhoney

I suspect you'd feel much better if your DH stepped up.

Agree.

It also sounds like you're depressed and need some help both with looking after your children as well as help speaking to a doctor/therapist. It sounds like you never get a break, and that will just burn you out entirely.

Becoming a parent is the hardest thing I've ever done, my child is entirely reliant still and I've chosen to stay at home with him till he at least 4, but I don't hate it. Life is a lot more monotone, my marriage is 5% of what it was, but I love my child. I love spending time with him, and I can't imagine life without him. Do I miss having peace and just being able to sleep or take care of myself, or spend time with my husband just us, yes of course but I also realise he'll grow up one day and I'll get all that back. It's just a phase. As for having a child with SEN I can't comment but you obviously need some more hands on support and time for yourself.

Your directing your anger and frustration at your children which you invite isn't fair. You sound depressed and you need help. Go to your gp and start to get some counselling support. You and your partner should be in this together but you are not. And you need to work through that. Try to get him to engage but if he won't, do it yourself. See what support groups there are out there to help you deal with your kids needs. Being a parent is hard work, but you shouldn't feel like you do all the time. Sometimes I feel life you express but not often. Sometimes I want to murder my ungrateful little cherubs, but then they do something lovely and I remember I love them. And don't look at social media as an indicator of perfect lives it doesn't exist. I always remember going to a pub with my family and seeing my cousin with her alcoholic husband. She didn't know I saw them, but her husband got so drunk he fell into the table and they were asked to leave. Before I could go over they were gone. Later she posted on Facebook a picture of them all at the pub saying something like 'blessed family time. Not real.

I totally agree with you I'm also fed up!!!!!!!!!!! Mindless relentless boring headache...
.

You aren't alone op

Zombie thread. Hope things are better for OP if she’s still here.

Well I love it 🤷‍♀️ my daughter is awesome and I'm super proud of her and she's great company too 🤩

I think parents who hate being parents are either unlucky (ie. children with complex SEN) or are doing this whole thing wrong. I don't spend my life doing things I hate 🤷‍♀️ Even when she was a baby, I just took her with me to things I enjoyed doing so I never felt that I was restricted by having my daughter- quite the opposite. She was what made life so much more fun and worthwhile.

1. RTFT 2) calling parents of children with complex SEN unlucky is nasty and superior.

This right here! There are people who are happy or atleast fine with one child, but it seems that society still puts pressure on couples to have a second child so their first “ will have a playmate and won’t be lonely”, so that may be instilled into the minds of many moms. Then they go on and have more kids and lo and behold, they often become miserable. Thing is as obvious as stated, you cannot just return kids. You are stuck.

I have one child myself, and while my son is not too difficult now and I enjoy parenting much more now that he is nearing 4, I don’t want another child because I know my limit. I fon’t want to repeat the first 3 years because of several reasons. I don’t want to double the workload and have to split my time, spend more money,deal with sibling rivalry, and with all due respect( due to my age) risk having a child with a disablity. Kids don’t need siblings and I know of so many sibs who dont get along.

I won’t bother telling OP what I think she should do because my comment is coming years later and so many have given her advice anyway, But to people who are on the fence about either trying for their first child or may want more, think long and hard about what you think your limit is (especially if you are the mom /woman since more of the load falls on us) because although there is alot of joy with having kids truly are hard work parenting can be relentless and boring. And the amount of kids you have DOES make a difference and can make or break you.

If that's how you read it I'm sorry. It wasn't meant to sound nasty or superior but of course it's terrible luck. What else is it?