To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

[Boredandexhausted]

Why does everyone pretend it’s this amazing wonderful thing when actually it’s just relentless boredom and worry and doing things you don’t want to all the time.
I cannot think of one single thing that I like about having children. It’s not their fault and of course I do my best but I hate it. I’d like to walk out and never come back.
Youngest one is now having to isolate for two weeks because of covid in their school so that’s two weeks stuck in the house. Oldest one has SEN. Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception. Oldest one has ASD and is nowhere near as independent as most children their age.
It isn’t relentless, the asking for things, the problems I’m having to solve, I am so bored. All my life is is a series of stuff I don’t want to do with no let up. My youngest doesn’t sleep much and doesn’t go to bed until 10pm and is up again at 6.30. I have had enough.

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me? Is it just me who finds this so thankless and dull? It makes me anxious as well, having two other people demanding things from me and of me all the time.
I wish I’d known. I just wish I’d known.

[lioncitygirl]

You have a husband problem. Your kids have SEN - it’s a lot harder and I totally sympathise. Why is your husband so useless?

[Boredandexhausted]

I thought I’d have easy going children. I do not. For some stupid reason I didn’t really think about them having SEN - maybe because both pregnancies were so difficult and risky. I just got through that and didn’t think about much else.

I thought I’d enjoy teaching them things - I don’t. I thought I’d enjoy bedtime stories - I hate them. Same ones night after night after night.
I thought I’d get pleasure from seeing my children enjoy things. I don’t.
I thought I’d like taking them places. I don’t. They moan. Nothing is enough. There’s always a problem. I am too tired to bother. I just get through the day and wait to go back to bed.

[SandyY2K]

dh does nothing with the children or for them. They will walk past him to ask me something even if I’m in another room. Or if they ask him he just shouts me

This is a large part of the problem you have. Having multiple kids with a very hands off dad is very very difficult. You feel like it's all on you.

When mine always asked me for stuff and if DH deferred to me, I used to tell him he needs to know what to do, as I could die tomorrow and it would be a terrible shame if he didn't know or couldn't do these things. That did the trick.

Kids tend to go to their mums more often than not.

In general...parenting isn't easy and there's no point in anyone telling you it's hard, as that wouldn't stop people.

Everyone copes differently and different children with their individual needs make a big difference.

My main issues was the money they cost and not being able to go out at the drop of a hat without advanced planning. If I was loaded I would have had a live in nanny and a cleaner when they were younger...

My DC are older now (both in Uni) and it got much easier as they became more independent.

[Boredandexhausted]

I suppose I thought my eldest - nearly 12 - would be more independent than they are. I look at others the same age and it’s a world away.

[BowowMttt]

Honestly OP I get it and I don’t even have half the struggles you do. It’s relentless and a lot of it is boring and no I wasn’t warned either, everybody always told me how magic it would be. It just doesn’t suit some people. I love DD dearly but I’m stopping at 1 because I just don’t enjoy it like everybody else does.

[keeprocking]

Then I see fb videos and photos of people with their lovely families and children, enjoying days out, playing with their children etc and I think is it me?

FB is about as real as anything coming out of Hollywood! Who's going to put a video or photo on the web of their family disputes, squabbling children etc.? Take other people's versions of their lives with a very large amount of salt.
Pre social media, a friend would always eulogise about her wonderful children, how perfect they'd been in the car on a long journey, how they never encountered traffic jams, they were first off the ferry etc etc. If you talked to her husband you would think he'd been on a different holiday altogether, fighting kids, horrendous traffic, almost missing the ferry.

[Squirrelblanket]

This probably isn't helpful but I've always thought it looked thankless and dull which is why I've stayed happily childfree.

I know it's a thing because I've discussed it quite honestly with my friends who have children but it genuinely amazes me how many parents go into it apparently without realising it's going to be hard work. Parents literally never stop talking about it!

[Boredandexhausted]

I think I should have stopped at one. I think one was my limit. I just didn’t realise it unfortunately.

[GintyMarlow2]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Apart from getting your husband to contribute more in terms of help, does your 12 year old get involved with helping? I agree that you need a break, just to get things into perspective. A week away sounds ideal, so that your husband would need to step up. If he has them on his own, he might just realise how hard it is for you.

[Babyboomtastic]

The problem here isn't the kids, but that your husband is being useless. And secondly that you seem to be reassigned to that as the norm.

I don't find having kids shit. It's relentless at times, but I expected that. And we share it equally, days and nights. That's the biggest difference.

Why isn't he sharing the cooking, the cleaning, the tidying, bedtime, bath, wake ups? How did he think this is acceptable parenting. I wouldn't go away, I think that's a bit passive aggressive, at least on it's own it is, but I'd site him down, explain that it's not acceptable and then between you, come up with a way of splitting things, even a formal rota ( don't get fined into being the one doing this though, unless it's a one off), so that you have equal free time, and things don't fall solely to you.

[Friendsoftheearth]

Why aren't you doing about your dh??

You keep saying it is hard, but if you can cut your workload by 50% why don't you? Just because he has always been useless doesn't mean he has to stay that way.

You would be better off on your own, then carrying his weight as well as your dc. He is worse than useless, because he happily watches you being run into the ground and does nothing. At best he is heartless.

I don't know why you are not more angry and demanding for better. You do deserve more than this, your dc deserves much more than this!

[Friendsoftheearth]

**anything

[Phineyj]

I'm sorry you feel this way. My DD also has some SEN and is very hard work a lot of the time. I do find her funny and creative though and enjoy being with her when she's not having a fit about something.

You need help and support (and more sleep). Who can you call on? Parents, siblings, friends? DH you can get into when you feel stronger.

[FizzyGreenWater]

It's not the kids, it's him, he's shit.

It's not the kids, it's him, he's shit.

It's not the kids, it's him, he's shit.

It's not the kids, it's him, he's shit.

IT'S HIM.

[DaisyChainsForever]

Please don't take any notice of what others post on social media. Most people only post the good bits. Does ur DH know how unhappy you are?

[Planty13]

It’s no secret that children are hard work? Everyone I know talks about the sleepless nights, the mess, the tantrums, the juggling. In fact I think you’re much more likely to hear people moaning about their kids than talking about how wonderful they are.

It’s really hard

[Boredandexhausted]

Well he works full time to my part time and his job is more pressurised than mine so I don’t feel he can be expected to do much else.
I am very tired. It colours everything I think.
I keep waiting to enjoy things I used to but everything feels flat. I’d very much like an off switch.

[Remona]

It is incredibly hard work. No one tells you that in advance. No one prepares you for it. Usually your hormones are shouting so loudly that you wouldn’t hear anyone else anyway even if they told you.

I have one. It genuinely amazes me that anyone ever has more than one. I am astounded that anyone would contemplate going through all that repeatedly. I love him with every fibre of my being and I’ve never regretted having him for a second, but there’s no way on God’s earth I would be prepared to go through that again. I don’t mean pregnancy and childbirth, I mean everything that comes afterwards for the next 18 years at least.

We’re all different I suppose.

[ViciousJackdaw]

IANAP so I have no idea if I'm talking out of my arse or not but I'd break this down into parts. Firstly, you. You've got a few years of this ahead of you yet so my advice is to give antidepressants a go. OK, you are not depressed - you simply dislike parenting. But as the name suggests, ADs stop you from becoming depressed. I'd hate to think of you feeling any worse than you do already. Now DH. He needs to be read the riot act. Lastly, the DC. Regardless of any SEN, it sounds like their behaviour could be improved in terms of whining, winding each other up, helping out more. Perhaps someone will be able to suggest some books or strategies. Put your own lifejacket on first though.

[OverTheRubicon]

I am sorry you feel this way.

I'm also very very sorry for your children, with a disengaged dad, and a mum who appears to blame her unhappiness on them instead of her DH, or any of her own challenges.

My stbxh had exactly the same attitude you have. It's very hard for the sufferer and in his case it was linked to depression and ASD. However it's also very hard on the children, who never asked to be brought into this world and who need at least one main carer who finds them worthy of time. My DC's dad thought he was covering it up, but kids know these things.

You need to sort yourself out, tell your DH to sort himself out, and if possible maybe get a grandparent or anyone else who can, to come to stay for a bit or even just visit them or video chat with them occasionally, to give you a break and to let them feel enjoyable.

[Boredandexhausted]

I suppose I knew it would be hard work but I thought I’d enjoy some of it and I don’t. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything at all.
I get to the weekend and I think what am I going to do with them all weekend. Particularly at the moment with covid restrictions. That’s made it harder. And having them since March through to September without a break - I know this was the same for lots of people.

[AuntHilda]

Hi OP. You sound burnt out. I get it. My youngest has complex SEN and we never get a break. However DP and I give each other a break and we each have some time to be us. It's easy to lose yourself when you have a kid with SEN. Plus I found being the SAHP so hard and boring quite honestly that we swapped and I now work and DP is a SAHD. It suits us both. And that's the point. It's a partnership and we do what we need to do to get by. As the others have said, it's not the kids...

[Lcats]

OP I am sorry you are having a hard time.

The way you are talking about your kids does indicate something is wrong with you (as in you are depressed and/or have additional challenges in your life beyond the kids. Not that you are a bad person and somehow wrong). Get help it’s bad for you and them.

Parenting is normally an enjoyable experience on the whole. Obviously involving sacrifices and being angry and fed up at times, but feeling the way you describe (like their existence bothers you and you rather not have them) is not normal believe me.

[CarolVordermansBum]

I honestly think if someone told you how shit it was, you wouldn't believe them. You would just think they were over exaggerating. You would most likely go on to have children anyway. Its only after the fact you realise just what you've let yourself in for! I have four and some days its really hard work. On the plus side I've had them really young so by the time I'm 30 I will pretty much have my life back 🤣

[howsicklyarsekissy]

I agree with you Op. My two have ASD & ADHD. Exercise has helped me to find some happiness and is my coping strategy. I went onto sertraline as well & that helped so much & I really started to enjoy life with them more.